Random Bits and Chaotic Trips

Factoring and Semiprimes

2008-06-18T21:07:00.003-05:00

A semiprime (or near prime, pq number, etc.) is a number that only has two prime factors (not necessarily different primes). It is easy for a computer to quickly compute the value of a semiprime if given two prime numbers. For instance, the prime numbers 23 and 73 were used to send the Arecibo message decades ago into space. In the faint chance that an intelligent being intercepts this message, they will be able to arrange the message on a two-dimensional grid. Being a semiprime, the number 1679 only has two factors -- 23 and 73.

Factoring is a computationally difficult endeavor, however. In fact, the difficulty of factoring very large primes sits at the heart of the most secure encryption methods (including RSA especially). If one could find a fast way to factor large semiprimes, he or she would effectively have a way to quickly decrypt an encrypted message.

Here's an example of a large semiprime (yet still small by RSA 512 bit standards): 31,883,349,249,899,479. I know the two primes that make up that number -- but can you find them quickly? We know that at least one of the primes that make up this number has to be equal to or less than the square root of that number. The square root of 31,883,349,249,899,479 is 178,559,091.76 (rounded). One could write a program to check all primes below this number to find the one that divides into the original number. This would give the two primes that make up this semiprime number.

"That isn't so bad! I could write a program to figure it out in a few minutes and it probably wouldn't take but a few seconds to a minute to find the answer!"

Ok ... then try to crack this semiprime that stands between you and cracking MIT's 1999 challenge (which they believe will take more than 30 years to figure out).

n = 631446608307288889379935712613129233236329881833084137558899
077270195712892488554730844605575320651361834662884894808866
350036848039658817136198766052189726781016228055747539383830
826175971321892666861177695452639157012069093997368008972127
446466642331918780683055206795125307008202024124623398241073
775370512734449416950118097524189066796385875485631980550727
370990439711973361466670154390536015254337398252457931357531
765364633198906465140213398526580034199190398219284471021246
488745938885358207031808428902320971090703239693491996277899
532332018406452247646396635593736700936921275809208629319872
7008292431243681

This is the LCS35 MIT Challenge. That's a 2,048 bit modulus. Hell would freeze over well before all the computers in the world could come close to finding the factors of that number by brute force alone. However, there may yet be an undiscovered efficient algorithm that can factor in polynomial time. If such a method were possible, it might be possible to factor this semiprime within the span of years, months or perhaps even days. (That's saying a lot)

Hillary Rodman Clinton -- Please Concede!

2008-06-01T01:18:00.005-05:00

Hillary Clinton it is time for you to concede. The democratic party is hurting and hurting bad. Why? Because of your insistence to see this primary drag out until the very end. I tried to remain unbiased during the primary election, but lately you have shown yourself to be concerned with only one thing -- securing the nomination for yourself at any cost.

Just how expensive are these costs? Well, you have driven a deep wedge into the Democratic party. A large chasm has opened up and has polarized many within the party to form strong dislikes towards both candidates. What is most important this election year? In my opinion, it is assuring that McCain fails to win the general election. We need a strong Democratic nominee and, just as importantly, a strong democratic party derived from a solid base.

You fought for the seating of both Florida and Michigan delegates because you stated that their voices should be heard. I wanted to believe that your intentions were pure, but let's not pretend to be naive. Your true intention was to garner the votes of more delegates and include the voters in those states to secure the claim that you have a larger popular vote than Obama.

This afternoon, Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean and Rules and Bylaws Committee Co-Chairs Alexis Herman and Jim Roosevelt issued a joint statement. This is a section from that statement:

“Today, after careful consideration and debate, the Democratic National Committee’s Rules and Bylaws Committee reached an agreement on the two challenges before the Committee on seating delegations from Florida and Michigan. The Committee voted to seat the full Florida delegation with a half-vote each. The RBC accepted the Michigan Leadership Plan as presented today by the Michigan Democratic Party with the exception that each delegate receives a half vote. In addition, the Committee agreed that delegates from both states should be slated under Rules 5, 6, 7, and 12, outlining the candidate’s right of approval. With this decision, the revised total of delegate votes needed to secure the nomination is 2,118."

Shortly afterwards, your campaign made the following press release:

"We strongly object to the Committee’s decision to undercut its own rules in seating Michigan’s delegates without reflecting the votes of the people of Michigan.

The Committee awarded to Senator Obama not only the delegates won by Uncommitted, but four of the delegates won by Senator Clinton. This decision violates the bedrock principles of our democracy and our Party.
We reserve the right to challenge this decision before the Credentials Committee and appeal for a fair allocation of Michigan’s delegates that actually reflect the votes as they were cast."

What strikes me as blatantly unfair is your objection to Obama receiving the delegates won by uncommitted. Obama removed his name from the ballot in Michigan as did the rest of the democratic runners except yourself. Your name was the only name left on the ballot in Michigan. In essence, you are asking that Hillary receive all the delegates that will eventually be seated for the state of Michigan. This is outrageous and clearly demonstrates that your campaign is no longer an honest campaign. You are now hellbent on securing the nomination for yourself at any cost.

Your campaign website now features a popular vote counter. The popular vote is not how we select our nominees and presidents. This is a republic, Senator Clinton, and not a pure democracy. However, it now appears that you will use this fact as another reason to argue that you should receive the nomination.

You had two choices at one point in your campaign. You could have conceded and allowed time for healing and then stood behind Obama by convincing your followers that they should support his nomination and eventual fight against McCain for presidency. Instead, you have chosen to press onward with your need to become the democratic nominee. In the process, you have alienated many within the democratic party and have convinced those that follow you that Obama will never be a good substitute for the democratic nomination.

Senator Clinton, I am now convinced that you do not have the best intentions of this country in your heart. I am convinced that you care only for power and that you will go to any length to achieve your goals. Although I was always an Obama supporter, I did at one point in time respect your accomplishments and would have rallied for you if Obama lost the nomination. I will never rally behind you now.

Thanks for destroying the democratic party by your insatiable lust for power. It sickens me to know that Obama may very well lose to McCain because of your selfish actions during this primary.

Concede now.

Update: Here are some videos from the meeting. DISGUSTING.

Personal Quotes

2008-04-15T18:19:00.002-05:00

"Life is learning that the adventure lies in endless travels with no destinations. To be so naive as to assume one has reached his or her destination is to deny the beauty of the journey and to accept, however erroneously, that one has reached his or her limits."

"Love is learning to walk barefoot without anything beside someone with whom you'd give everything."

"All the money in the world couldn't purchase just one second of true love."

"Even the richest man in the world couldn't buy a priceless moment, yet so many deny themselves those moments at a cost greater than they could ever imagine."

"Death is something that brings contrast to life. Without it, the most precious of moments would melt away into infinity. Death teaches us the value of a day spent in love. Every man and woman will spend that moment on their death bed left with but a fraction of a minute to think back and recall so many countless memories, so many precious moments, so many invaluable experiences. And when that last breath comes, the sum of all our experiences will create a focal point that leads directly to god."

"Dying does not scare me because every day I meet people who are too afraid to live, and that is far worse."

"The only thing one will take with them into death is the love received throughout their life and the love given from their own light -- everything else is but an expensive toy."

"I've always wondered why marathons are 26 miles and 385 yards. Just once I'd like to see a runner speed through the finish line and go for 27. Then I wonder just how often we approach similar goals in our life."

"Sometimes I wonder which is worse -- to love all the wrong things for the right reason, or to love all the right things for the wrong reason."

"Everyone comes into the world naked. We all have that in common. Nobody ever came out in a pressed tux or a ballroom gown -- but too many people think so."

"Fear is the first step in feeling more alive than alive."

"If you're going to love with your all, don't think you'll ever meet your goal unless you never really loved at all."

Faith, Love and God

2008-04-13T16:08:00.002-05:00

As a man who has a deep love for science, I see so much beauty within the world based on a subtle balance of order and chaos. Some of the very things that could wipe away all life on Earth are the very same things that have made life possible on Earth. If our sun were to go nova right now, everything on Earth would perish. Yet, it is the process of a star going supernova that creates the heavier elements necessary for a planet such as Earth to exist in the first place.

I constantly read articles written by both atheists and theists debating evolution and intelligent design. Most of the articles seem to suggest that it is a black and white debate -- either the Earth was designed by an intelligent creator or the Earth, and every living thing on it, is just a natural progression of a series of physical events within the universe. Many atheists will use the theory of evolution to strengthen their argument against an intelligent designer while an equal number of theists will point to flaws in the theory to suggest that evolution does not exist and thus there must be an intelligent creator.

Perhaps it is more prudent to see things in shades of gray. Evolution is a very sound theory that has a lot of evidence to support it. If we agree that evolution is a very real process, does that necessarily discount the belief in a god? Is it not just a tad bit naive to assume that any creator capable of putting the universe into motion would do so in a way that we could ever fully understand? Instead of god creating the "Heavens and the Earth," could god not just create the physical processes necessary to create the universe itself. If god does exist, perhaps he engaged in subtle subterfuge while creating the universe.

This brings us to an important topic -- that of faith. When Sir Francis Bacon developed the school of thought known as empiricism, he set the groundwork for what is now known as the scientific process. The pursuit of knowledge throughout the centuries has not always been similar to what scientists use today. At the core of the scientific process, there is a belief that a theory must be testable, verifiable and able to be repeated. It is a natural assumption and a core belief of empiricism that if something can be repeatedly tested and verified, it becomes a scientific fact. The word "fact" is a curious word, though, when you examine it more closely. What precisely is a "fact?"

We learn and discover our world based upon our senses. Our senses, through evolution, have been developed and fine-tuned by nature to allow us to survive in the wild and compete successfully for resources. Without the ability to "sense" the world, we would have no knowledge of it. We would be unable to locate food to survive or find a mate in which to procreate. Our species (or any for that matter) would quickly die off.

At some point in the midst of constantly chasing after food, finding shelter and mating, man looked up at the stars and began to question existence. Something happened along the way that forced man, even if for a few seconds, to question his purpose in the universe. Man eventually learned to use tools that would aid him in hunting for food. Man eventually learned to build huts to protect himself from the elements. Man eventually learned to irrigate and channel water to grow crops to supplement his diet.

This is all man had to do in order to survive, since the animals he was competing against were not getting any smarter. As time went on, man began to ask questions about his role in the universe and thus was born the subject of philosophy.

"Why AM I here?" -- to reproduce?

"Why MUST I reproduce?" -- because it feels good?

"Why DOES it feel god?" -- because evolution made it feel good so you would do it.

The questions became more complex. The ideas became more numerous. Man quickly went from just another animal hunting for food to an animal that questioned his role in the nature of all things.

Along this quickly accelerating path, man began to worship gods. Polytheism was en vogue at the time. There was a god for rain, a god for crops, a god for love, a god for wine, etc. If there was no rain for a season, man assumed that the god of rain was upset for some reason. Rituals were put in place to appease these gods. These rituals often involved sacrifices. Since the god of rain never showed up on earth, man did his best to give something to this invisible deity in the hopes that next season's crops would be a bumper one.

As time went on, it became more efficient to just pray to one god. This is a gross oversimplification, but suffice it to say that monotheism eventually replaced polytheism in many cultures. It was a novel concept at the time -- instead of keeping a hundred gods happy, let's just focus on one god and keep him happy. It was the ontological economic thing to do.

Sadly, wars broke out between believers over who's god was the right god. Was it the Christian god, was it Allah, was it Elohim, etc. Groups of people were chased out of one nation, persecuted in the next and then disbanded into dozens of other nations. Jews were notorious for getting the shit end of the stick.

Along the way, people in power began to notice that this whole "god" question could be used to their advantage. Suddenly the use of religion and god could be used to bring nations together, to scare people into conforming, to persecute those who did not believe through execution by the state or excommunication by the church. Rulers caught on very quickly that a scared populace was an easily controlled one. The concept of burning in an eternal hell has a way of making an impressionable person do whatever you want them to do.

As time went on, people started to see through this and got angry. They got angry at god -- suddenly atheism became a stronger movement. During this entire time, god sat somewhere just shaking his head while man, who used to make a noble living just chasing animals in the forest while procreating at night, suddenly got really intelligent overnight, created technology and computers and then chat rooms and blogs where people could sling personal insults back and forth over why god does or does not exist.

Individuals like Richard Dawkins came on board, noticed how intense the debates for and against god were becoming and started to write book after book slamming faith as delusional and, in the process, gave atheists their own little anti-god.

So between all the wars, persecutions, executions, excommunications -- between all the movements of Jews going from one land to the next while getting chased by people who hated them because they worshiped a different god, the shit hit the fan and all hell broke loose and Muslim extremists began crashing planes into the infidel's towers while atheists shook their head and blamed everyone who was not an atheist for making the world a cruel evil place by using god as a tool to insight fear in others.

Through all this bullshit, the question still remains -- is there a god? Yes, even after countless technological advances, even after man went from throwing spears a hundred yards to slinging satellites out of the solar system, we are still faced with the same questions that our ancestors asked hundreds of thousands of years ago. Is there a god and what is he doing today?

This was meant to be somewhat funny but unfortunately also remaining somewhat true. We really have collectively gone off the deep end with these questions and have, unfortunately, gotten no closer to some universal truth.

Actually, I will tell you the truth. Your search is now over, I am about to answer the biggest question you will ever ask in your life. Are you ready for the answer? Are you absolutely SURE you really want to know? Alright, you asked -- so I'll tell you.

Is there a god? Yes, there is a god. What? You want proof? Woah, wait a minute. I can't give you proof because science can't be used to prove god. What do you mean that's a cop out? Alright, fine -- I'll explain my reasoning.

When you wake up each morning, how do you know you exist? It sounds like a really obvious question. You "just know," right? Well, you could look in the mirror and see yourself, but how do you know you're not someone else? Because you remember who you were the day before? And how do you know those memories are reliable? Oh, you're going to show me pictures of yourself from a week ago and then tell me you're that person? I'm asking you how you know *YOU* exist. The honest answer is a semantical one -- first we need to define what *you* is. Are *you* the same person you were a year ago? How about an hour ago? Probably not, because you're constantly changing. So when we use the term *you*, we use it loosely because the *you* you are right now won't be the *you* you are tomorrow. You'll be close to you, but not exactly you. You'll be a little bit older. Some cells in your body will be dead while others will be new. You'll have a bit more knowledge about something and know something you didn't know the day before.

This same semantical problem applies to god. What do we mean when we ask, "does god exist?" What if I asked, "does x exist?" What is x? The letter x? We know the letter x exists because we use it occasionally -- especially during sex. But if I ask, "does god exist," we have to agree on a definition of god before we can start a debate.

To be continued ...

On the Other Side of the Rainbow

2008-03-20T00:51:00.012-05:00

Upon the dour moment of the eleventh hour of the sixth day, there came a cry from a thousand gathered men that reached up into the deep heavens. The sky, now painted crimson with the blood of the fallen, dripped slowly down upon their sullen souls. One man among their group raised his hands towards the heavens and shouted, "dear god, forgive those lost and those forsaken, give strength to the rusted breast of man and right those wrongs committed unto thee from blind vengeance."

The ground beneath the weakened trembled and split apart, revealing the depths of the earth from which man had scoured up. The sun, now dimmed in a murky light, sunk deeper into the far horizon. Their shadows grew longer, marching slowly across the wet dirt beneath their bloodied feet. War had killed the weakest, famine etched away at what little strength the rest possessed while disease brought down the oldest among them.

With his arms still raised high, their leader called out again. "Show us mercy, God, and forgive us of our sins. Lead us away from darkness and guide us back into your glorious light." His plea echoed softly off the distant hills and then fell silent into the virgin night. Death swept quickly from over the third hill, chasing the fading shadows of an army once strong and victorious.

Night stabbed viciously into the last traces of dusk as the ice cold wind swept over their beaten bodies. God could no more save these men from eternal sleep as they had already defeated their own through nefarious warfare. As the wind grew colder still, the warm blood from those that remained standing began to thicken. Their torn skin slipped into sickening shades of gray as they labored to take one last breath.

God did not kill these men. These men had destroyed god by robbing the world of its last remaining fortitude of faith. No father would ever see a son born again, no daughter would ever wed her love and all of eternity from the first moment to this day would forever fade into a sort of cosmic amnesia. Man had chosen to renounce faith and spirituality, and in doing so would condemn itself back into the dust from which every man, woman and child had been born.

And as each man had wanted it to become, so then it finally came to be.

Sideways 8

2008-03-15T03:14:00.003-05:00

Since my last blog posting was about infinity, I wanted to write another quick entry about something related to infinity -- love. I've loved various women in the past and have been in love before. However, I have never loved a woman as much as I love a very special one named Lynnea.

Unfortunately there is a deficit within the English language when I search for the words to express my feelings for her. I can write out my feelings and string them together in sentence after sentence and paragraph after paragraph but the emotions that drive those string of words is born from a desire and passion far beyond semantics.

I have known her for nearly six years and during that time, we have shared countless experiences, stories and ups and downs. Even during somewhat long periods in the past of being out of touch with one another, I have never stopped loving her. I don't think a day would ever go by where I didn't think of her -- wondering how her day went, how she felt and if she was also thinking of me.

At some point in our relationship, I realized that she was a pure person -- an imperfect person who held a constant desire to reach ever stronger levels of spiritual and emotional perfection. Humans can never make that destination, but the drive and passion to journey towards that state is so strong within her.

I am not a religious person in the sense of believing that any particular organized religion is the path to god. I do believe in a god because I have had many experiences in my life that were intensely spiritual. I believe that religion can be a good thing, though. It can help those who need support in discovering their own unique relationship with god. It is sad that there is so much violence and confusion brought about by religion, especially considering my view that god wants every person to explore their own unique place in the universe as well as their own special connection to god.

The one thing that I have discovered in my life is that love is a very real constant that yields limitless power. From my own previous relationship with women, I found that not all relationships are founded in deep trust and respect. I learned that a woman can lie. I learned that a woman can hurt a man. I was personally hurt by a few. I carried an insufferable desire to push past the petty problems and form a robust, solid and unending base of love and trust with a woman. My idealism concerning what a relationship should be based on was often tested by the cold realities of personal selfishness, incompatible desires and the ever shifting moods that often fell misaligned when a certain moment mattered the most.

My idealism would often fall flat on its face when those incompatibilities were strongest. Love to me always meant that, despite disagreements and occasional fighting, two people would always find their way back to the warmth and compassion that an unconditional love provided. Failure in that aspect wrought walls around me. I shielded my heart from the pain of love gone south by putting up walls. It was a selfish thing to do -- both to myself and to those very few who truly understood what unconditional love meant. It was selfish to myself because I was denying myself love's greatest rewards by cowering from love's most stinging risks. It was selfish to others because, deep within my soul, I was capable of sharing immense unending compassion with another like-minded soul.

Perhaps the reason why so many people build these walls of emotional refuge is to see who cares enough to climb over them. However, hiding behind such walls is no way to go through life. Life is filled with endless experiences both heart-wrenchingly difficult and soul-brightningly beautiful. As a child, one should never fear riding a bike simply because he or she might skin their knee. Why then, as an adult, would I dare do the equivalent with love?

Lynnea was that woman for me. In the past, I'd take a step forward, retreat, move laterally, jump off the field, jump back on and build and remove that wall again and again. It was a crazy cycle of giving a bit of my heart and then quickly pulling it back away when the sun fell behind the clouds. That's no way to treat someone you love and especially no way to treat yourself. At some point, you have to trust another. Eventually, you have to march out onto the field sans wall and accept all the risks that come with giving your heart to another. You have to have faith in the person with whom you are sharing love. You have to say, "here is my everything, I want to share it with you and only you. I am allowing you into a unique place within my heart that could destroy me if you had nefarious intentions, but I trust you and choose to love you unconditionally."

There is a common element between love, spirituality and god. That element is faith. I never had an appreciation for the subtle nuisances of faith when I was younger. However, I now understand a very critical component of faith. I realize that, in life, we will never have all the answers. We will never be able to see down every fork of every road that we journey. We will never be able to prove such things as the existence of god or the permanence of love. That's where faith becomes so important. It is a deeply seeded intuition within my soul that posits two very crucial aspects of life. First, that there is some higher force at work than what science can deconstruct. Second, that love is paramount to happiness and that love's depth can constantly be explored more deeply leading us to discover the very essence of why we exist -- which, coincidentally, seems to be so that we can love others more so.

There will always be those who will challenge those concepts. Some people will say any personal world view based with elements of faith is an irrational one. Others will say that love is strictly a chemical reaction involving countless pheromones, neurotransmitters and genes.

To those people, I can say only this. One could describe the perfect spring day in great detail. One could specify the exact temperature, wind speed and cloud cover. One could describe the sounds present while in a park, including the flow of a nearby river, the chirping of the birds and the wind blowing through the trees. After going step by step through every aspect of a perfect spring day, there would still remain but one problem -- the experience itself. The gentle caress of a soft breeze over one's face. The distinct smell of freshly cut grass while a light mist of water permeates the air from a nearby waterfall. The feeling of that grass on your body as you lay next to someone you love awaiting the stars to show after a beautiful sunset. Love could be defined by a very precise scientific analysis of all the processes involved -- but the subjective experience of loving and being loved falls outside the scope of deconstructionalism.

In conclusion, I wish everyone could experience true love. Not love cloaked in shades of self-interest or love dressed in sheets of deceit. Not love blanketed by ill intentions or love camouflaged with subterfuge. Just simple naked love. Love that could destroy, but given with faith that it will empower. Love littered with risk but forever only rewarding.

To find that special someone is a most magical thing. I found that type of love with Lynnea and from sharing that love with her I have come to understand one of the most important lessons in life. It is this:

When you care so much for another person that you would suffer the greatest of pains just so the other would not, then the love that you have given unconditionally from within your heart will shield you both. Because when you love another person to that extent, there really is no other force in this universe that could come close to touching you because you've just tapped the greatest of all forces.

Love with abandon, but never abandon love.

The Finite Infinity

2008-03-15T02:02:00.003-05:00

My first real brush with infinity came during an interesting discussion within one of my Calculus classes. The teacher asked us, "what is infinity?" Well, on the surface, the question seems so simple as to be a loaded question. In fact, it would soon prove to be after I answered my professor.

"Infinity is a limitless bound -- an arrangement of things that continues long after we have ceased to continue counting."

"Fair enough," said the professor. "However, are there different sizes of infinity?"

Now the fact that the original question was indeed loaded became apparent. I knew where he would go with this line of thinking.

"Take for instance the collection of all natural numbers. How many are there?"

"An infinite collection," I answered.

"Alright then. Let's call the collection of all natural numbers an infinite set. If this is the case, how many even numbers are there?"

"An infinite number of even numbers," I answered.

"If the set of all natural numbers is infinite, and even numbers are a subset of that infinite set yet this subset is ALSO infinite, does this suggest that one infinity could be smaller or larger than another?"

I couldn't answer him immediately. I realized that the subset of all even numbers within the set of natural numbers is indeed infinite, but that would mean the set of natural numbers was twice as infinite since it also included odd numbers as well. My mind had trouble dealing with the concept that there could be an infinity twice as large as another one yet both were infinite.

If we stopped here and "pretended" that the set of all natural numbers included only the numbers one through 10, then we could show that this set had 10 members. From this limited set, we could easily show that there was a subset of 5 even numbers within it. It would be very clear that this subset contained half the members of the total set of all natural numbers.

Yet we know that the true set of natural numbers continues without end so long as we continue to count higher.

Although this is true, we could dive deeper into the problem and show that mathematics, as a whole, is an abstraction of reality. What possible meaning could a very large number "X" contain if "X" was greater than any countable thing in the universe? There are only so many elementary particles in our universe. The Planck constant argues that space and time are only divisible up to a certain point until there is no smaller measurement of space and time. Knowing this, one could argue that at some point, one would count high enough to reach a number that had no correlation or meaning to the universe which brought it into existence since there was no real countable thing to represent that number. At this point, it would become a true abstraction of "nothing" -- just another intellectual musing without any real foundation.

If X is the total collection of all things within the universe, X+1 becomes a number outside any tangible way to express that number within a universe that doesn't have enough basic elements to give X+1 any true meaning.

At this point, infinity begins to break down. Infinity's little brother would be the "infinitesimal." Yet the Planck constant forces us to acknowledge that, in the real world, things cannot really continue without end to become ever smaller. In an abstract sense, sure -- but in reality? No.

So the concept of infinity strays into the abstract once all real representations of countable things is exhausted. It becomes just a number for a mathematician to play with. In an abstract world, you could very easily have different sizes of infinity, but without any basis in the concrete countable world, those different sizes of infinity just become an academic curiousity.

Amazingly, you could have an infinity that was infinitely larger than another infinity. If the set of all natural numbers is infinite (in an abstract sense), then one could say, "take every infinite number within this set and create a subset from them." You'll never get to the first member of that subset, yet in an abstract sense there is still an infinite number of them -- you'll just never come across one.

Infinity divided by infinity is undefined without knowing more about the functions that created those abstractions. Infinity (members in the set of natural numbers) divided by infinity (members in the set of all even numbers) should equal two, right? Maybe?

God is a Superset

2008-03-05T20:47:00.002-05:00

During a cool summer day in New York City, I walked into Central Park from the south side. I went over to the swing set and sat down while lightly pushing myself back and forth. As I swung back and forth, my foot made light skid marks into the sand. I knew in my mind that I was looking at sand, but I knew on a deeper level that I was really observing the collection of sextillions of atoms arranged in just the right fashion to give the illusion that I was just "kicking sand around."

The one telling story of existence is that it will eventually end. All things born will eventually die. All things created by man will eventually return to dust. There is not a person alive today or a building standing that will not be completely erased from existence given enough time.

I looked up briefly towards the sun while basking in its heat. The amazing yellow sun was so bright, but I knew it wasn't really yellow. It just appears yellow due to the atmosphere's effect on light rays. The beautiful blue sky, in all its glory, isn't really blue for a reason -- yet it is to me.

I looked around and noticed kids playing together. The fact that countless components of a perfect physical system allowed them to live, breath and play was inconsequential to their happiness. I looked up and knew that the sun was fusing 4,600 metric tons of hydrogen per second to generate the 1.74 x 10^17 joules of energy that would rain down upon the Earth each second.

To an atheist, this must all seem to be just a convenient fluke of nature -- that the quantum interactions of countless particles from 13.8 billion years ago happened to arrange themselves in such a way as to provide for life on some desolate large rock orbiting a typical main-sequence star in some run-of-the-mill galaxy. It must seem coincidental that certain molecules, given the exact perfect conditions of an oxygen atmosphere, began to merge and form the necessary proteins and amino acids that gave birth to the simplest of life forms. It must be a curious intellectual musing for an atheist to realize that all the physics in the universe just happened to be fine-tuned perfectly to allow for the evolution of one cell organisms into multi-cell organisms which then begot creepy crawly things which then mutated into a string of ever complex creatures until man finally made an appearance. To an atheist, all of this must be just another curious puzzle that science neatly solves without the intervention or conditioning of some higher force.

Then again, in an endless expanse of space among countless universes, infinity would dominate. Infinity is such a magnificent thing that, if it could happen, somewhere and somehow it did, does and will. These sentences have been written before, countless times in fact, and will be written countless times to come.

While swinging back and forth, I realized an internal inclination to love others. I don't have to expend the extra energy to do so, but through all of evolution and my own personal "interlution," I knew in my heart that loving just "feels" right. A world without love is a barren desert without sun or wind. I can't use science to explain the necessity for me to travel, love and grow, but I could easily explain it if a piece of infinity, or god, was inside of me. It might highlight the need for the universe to experience all aspects of existence through the eyes of sentient beings -- beings that just so happened to come about coincidentally by nearly perfect conditions of a forgiving universe.

Perhaps god isn't a person or a "thinker." To think suggests that we're processing information in the interest of progression. If god did exist, would not this god be beyond progression? Perhaps god is more like an abstraction of infinity, or the root of what gives substance to information. If the universe was nothing but a collection of matter, then god might be what breathes life into this matter.

Dealing with Panic and Anxiety

2008-03-04T19:06:00.002-05:00

It's a beautiful warm spring day and everything seems to be just right with the world. You're sitting at your desk dealing with the drudge of the workday and suddenly without any forewarning, an uneasiness begins to creep over you. You can't pinpoint the source of the uneasiness, but it quickly spirals out of control until your face becomes flushed and your heart rate begins to skyrocket. Suddenly a strong sense of paranoia overtakes your body as you suddenly feel the need to fight or flee. The entire world seems to come crashing down on you when just a few minutes ago there was no indication that anything was wrong.

This is the beginning of an anxiety attack, and it can be devastating. I've had a number of them during the past few years and they always seem to erupt without the faintest warning signs. I've spent countless hours awake in my bed at night with thoughts racing through my head.

"What am I doing with my life?"

"Am I doing the right things?"

"Why does the world feel like it is barring down on me?"

The state of Panic -- How to deal with attacks

The first time I had a full fledged panic attack, I felt my heart beginning to beat irregularly. I thought I was having a heart attack or that my heart was starting to
fibrillate. I felt a painless emptiness opening up within my chest as I began coughing while running around outside. I needed to run around because I convinced myself that I couldn't die while running. It was a leftover from my reptilian brain where intense fear causes the need to flee. The problem with panic is that it is not an object but a condition that follows you wherever you choose to run.

The worst aspect of a panic attack is the overriding sense of doom and the complete loss of control. It feels as though your entire world is crumbling around you as the most negative thoughts begin to take over your thought processes. The problem with panic is that it is a state of extreme irrationality -- although during the attack it doesn't feel irrational. Where do you run when all it accomplishes is to release yet more adrenaline, thus feeding the attack and stimulating ever more higher states of chaos.

The World is Bleak and Dark

If the rapid heart beat and profuse sweating isn't enough, the psychological torment is far worse. Suddenly everything seems like a problem with no solutions. Your emotions begin to fluctuate uncontrollably as you swing from extreme bouts of fear to manic moments of tears.

"I can't let people see me like this!"

"I need to get away from people!"

You become your own worst enemy in a matter of minutes. Your emotional state implodes in on itself as you begin to succumb to all the evil dark thoughts that suggest a horrible impending emotional doom.

Grabbing Hold of the Light

The only real benefit from suffering from numerous panic attacks is realizing that you do make it to the other side -- at least at some point. With that knowledge, you can put the breaks on a panic attack and ride it down once you realize that the state of your mind is racing out of control due to erroneous interpretations of danger and illusions of perceived threats.

The first thing I do when I slip into a full-fledged panic attack is to concentrate on my breathing. It gives my mind something to focus on other than the thoughts of impending doom. Deep, long breaths while simultaneously making tight fists with my hands and then straightening out my fingers. I tell myself that there is a firestorm of electrical activity taking place in the deeper older sections of my brain and that the storm will die down eventually. If I'm sitting down, I'll close my eyes and imagine a large star about to go nova. I imagine channeling all of my negative energy towards the star until it goes nova, taking my "dirt" along with it.

Realizing the difference between fear, anxiety and panic

Fear in itself is healthy. It allows us to perform under stressful situations with extra energy and sharper focus. Although we may feel that we are trembling, stuttering and sweating, those who are watching us may not notice at all. Most of the perceived threats during moments of fear are illusions within our own mind. The best thing we can do is acknowledge that the fear is natural and healthy and propel ourselves into the moment by turning that fear into positive momentum and energy.

Anxiety is fear clocked in an invisibility blanket. Whereas I recognize the source of my fear when I need to give a speech in front of many people, anxiety brings about feelings of uneasiness and fear from threats that cannot easily be perceived or understood. Anxiety can creep up in our jobs, our relationships and from the most random moments and situations. Generally there is some precursor that begins to move the snowball of fear into motion -- anxiety is the avalanche beginning to form.

Panic is the avalanche. It has weight -- you can feel it bearing down on your soul. Whereas anxiety may prevent us from easily going into new experiences, panic will freeze us solid and cause us to act irrationally without predictability. Panic is a clusterball of fears rolled together that steamrolls over our sense of self and reduces us to merely react to threats that aren't really that threatening.

Anxiety attacks can lead to panic attacks, but some psychologists will say they are one in the same. To me, an anxiety attack is merely heightened levels of anxiety that slow us down while a panic attack completely stops us.

Clara

2008-03-01T22:54:00.011-05:00

The following is a short story I wrote in response to a conversation I had with a friend about the fragile nature of love. It highlights how some of the more negative aspects of love may actually be positives (as in not ever really knowing the ultimate truth of what the other person feels). It also shows that, in order for love to be most rewarding, the risk of losing that love must always be present. Love is a precarious balance between our greatest passions and our deepest fears.

Clara

It was a warm spring day in the year 2123. Mark was very excited that he had finally saved up enough money to purchase his own android. After countless failed relationships with human females, he wanted to try something very different.

He arrived at Plexoraid, a large store devoted to customizing the perfect android for any person. Many people purchased androids for various reasons. Some bought them for companionship and love while others simply wanted the dedicated services of a completely lifelike robot to fulfill a specific need. Some androids were constructed to be amazing chefs while others performed the services of a hard working secretary or receptionist.

Mark walked in and was greeted by an enthusiastic almost overzealous salesman.

"Good morning, sir! Welcome to Plexoraid, where you can find the most advanced and lifelike androids to suit your every need. What brings you to our store today?"

Mark studied the man's face briefly while looking around the store. The dull silver titanium composite exoskeletons of countless androids lined the walls waiting to be covered by a lifelike skin polymer. "I'm looking for an android specifically for love. I want this android to love me and only me. I've been hurt in the past by women and I'm sick of it."

"I understand completely! Step over here to our customization computer so we can input the precise details that you seek for this female android. We can specify eye color, hair color, the shape of her nose -- everything."

Mark sat down with the salesman for an hour going over a hundred different parameters for what would become his own unique perfect lover. Everything was considered, right down to her long thin nose, deep hazel eyes and slender lean figure. It would take approximately one week for his android to be completed.

The following week Mark received a phone call from the salesman. "I've got great news! Your android is complete and is ready to be picked up! Before we finish, we need a name for her."

Mark thought for awhile and after careful consideration spoke into the phone, "I want to call her Clara."

That evening he returned to Plexoraid to meet Clara for the first time. He stepped in and was greeted by the most beautiful lifelike android he had ever laid eyes on. He touched her cheek and felt the smoothness of her warm glowing skin. He studied her face and could make out the pores of her skin. She was, for all purposes, indistinguishable from a real woman.

"She's beautiful! I love her," Mark shouted happily to the salesman.

"I knew you would love her. Please enjoy her and remember, all of our androids are backed by a one year no questions asked warranty!"

Mark left with Clara and headed to his car. Clara stopped him on the way and looked into his eyes with a big smile. "I love you, Mark!"

"Baby, I love you, too, Clara!"

They then grasped each other's hand and walked to the car and drove home. On the way home, Mark asked Clara how she felt. "I feel so good now that I am with you, Mark. I promise to always be faithful to you and love only you." Mark felt a rush of euphoria as he realized that for once in his life he could love without regret or worry. He could give everything of himself without fear of rejection or losing her. It was a dream come true for Mark as a huge weight was lifted from his shoulders.

That evening, Mark cooked Clara a nice dinner and lit a candle at the dinner table. He wanted the night to be romantic -- perfect in every detail. He sat with Clara during dinner and told her everything about his past, including his many failed relationships. Clara took her hand and placed it over his. "I will never betray you, Mark. I love you." Mark smiled while taking her hand in his. "I know baby, I love you, too."

A month went by and Mark and Clara's relationship deepened. However, something didn't feel right in Mark's mind. "Clara, tell me about your childhood?" Mark knew that Clara had no childhood, but he wanted to convince himself that she was human in every way. Clara told him about the childhood that was programmed for her -- memories that came alive as a result of countless lines of code within a machine. Mark looked at Clara and asked her how she felt about moving to another city. "I'll go anywhere with you, Mark. I love you."

As the weeks went by, Mark began to realize that Clara didn't have her own identity. Whatever Mark wanted, Clara would give him but in doing so she showed that she had no preference in anything. She was programmed specifically to love Mark no matter what. There was never any conflict or argument between them. Clara would never raise her voice or turn away from Mark. She would always be close to Mark and follow him wherever he chose to go.

Mark began to feel anger inside towards Clara. "Clara, where would you like to live? What city would you like to see during our next vacation?"

"Any city that you want to see, Mark. I love you."

"Clara, I love you, too. I want to see so many places but I want to know where you want to visit. How do you feel about visiting Greece this summer?"

Clara looked into Mark's eyes and smiled. "Greece is beautiful. I would love to see Greece. I love you."

That night, Mark felt a great uneasiness inside of him. It was a sickening realization that things were just too perfect between them. There was never a conflict that needed resolving. There was never a challenge that tested the depths of their love because Clara would constantly give in to Mark's every demand. As he thought more about the emptiness, he grew even angrier. He turned to Clara and shouted at her. "Clara! I need some space. I don't feel well right now. Please leave me alone for awhile."

"Mark, I love you."

"Clara, PLEASE LEAVE ME NOW."

"Mark, I can't leave you. I love you."

Mark raised his hand at Clara. "Clara, get the hell away from me!"

"I cannot leave you. I promised to always be there for you and love you."

Mark felt a rage growing inside of him. It was an anger fueled by his own insecurities about love smothered by a pre-programmed perfection that only offered what he wanted while never showing him new experiences. He got up and shoved Clara backwards. "I said get away from me!"

Clara stumbled and fell to the ground, hitting her head against the edge of the railing. The side of her face broke off leaving only the lustrous silver underneath and dozens of circuit pathways.

"Mark. I love y-y-y-y-y-y ..."

Clara's eyes began to twitch as she stuttered the same phrase over and over again. Mark sat down next to her and began to cry while rocking back and forth. "My god, what have I done, Clara?" Tears streamed down his eyes as he looked at Clara. The small lights deep inside Clara began to dim. Clara looked at Mark once more. "I lo ... love .... love," Clara stuttered before shutting down completely.

The End.

In my opinion, one of the most important aspects of love is learning the art of compromise. With any relationship, there will always be disagreements due to the unique nature and individuality of two different people sharing a common goal but perhaps seeing different ways of getting there. Love shows us that our perception of the world is not always complete and that by loving another person, we are given the chance to share their perceptions. By doing so, the world becomes more magnificent, more complex and more beautiful. Although love is never perfect, the intentions of two people who are honest and faithful makes the realization possible that the union is truly greater than the sum of its parts.

Illusions and Reality

2008-02-29T16:56:00.002-05:00

Preface:

This will probably be quite a long and detailed blog entry. Let me first start off by stating that I sometimes wish I wasn't so intelligent and capable of seeing the world for what it is, but at the same time that very ability allows me to see so much beauty. Unfortunately, that beauty is a complex beauty and is filled with both reality and illusions. This blog entry is about love, faith, god and spirituality. It is a first-pass to get my thoughts on paper (e-paper). I hope someone else gains some understanding from what I'm about to write.

There is a special type of depression that is very common among intelligent people. That type of depression is called Existential depression. The roots of existential depression are buried deep within the very essence of the meaning and purpose of life. It has three primary facets:

1) That no matter how close we get to another person, there will always remain some type of gap. We are, in essence, always alone in some fashion no matter how close we get to another person.

2) The meaning of life or dealing with the acceptance that life is ultimately meaningless. Based on person views, one may feel inclined to recognize the structure and order in the universe and see its beauty in such a way as to formulate and construct some ideology concerning god and spirituality. However, one could just as easily recognize the pain and suffering that goes on in a chaotic world and conclude that existence is inherently flawed thus suggesting a lack of design by a supreme being.

3) Acceptance of death and, to a lesser extent, radical change. Most people can look back at their lives and recognize specific "epochs" or chapters throughout their lives. We continuously grow and evolve while learning more about the world around us -- but to what end?

I would like to focus on the first one of these as it relates to love. Recently I saw a video clip on youtube where a couple were on a game show and the husband found out that his wife secretly wanted to be with her ex and that she also had cheated on him. It devastated me to watch this because it struck a chord deep within my own belief system concerning love. I view love as a sacred thing and if two people pursue a commitment, that commitment should be honored through fidelity and honesty. All too often, though, I am reminded how easily one can be hurt through the actions of an unfaithful partner.

This goes deeper into some very spiritual vs. biological questions for me. Books like, "The Red Queen," break down love into its core components. Chemicals such as Oxytocin are primarily responsible for that strong desire to commit and remain monogamous. When this chemical is removed or blocked in animals that are usually monogamous, they become virtual playboys. The book also emphasizes a strong genetic component to the process of love and sexuality. The primary message this book sends is that love is simply the result of physical processes dictated by genetics and chemicals and that monogamy in humans is not the norm.

Stepping away from the "scientific" explanation of love, I reach deep within for a more spiritual explanation. I know that as a human I am an animal and share much in common with other primates. I do believe in evolution. However, I also believe that evolution was set forward by a "higher force" that was also responsible for putting our universe in motion. I feel that as a human, I have the intelligence and free-will to override the inclination to stray while in a relationship and remain faithful to a woman despite the physical desire to seek out new experiences.

When I speak of spirituality, I resort to faith. I have no proof that a god of some type exists but I have faith based on my interpretation of reality. True faith is constantly challenged, though. There are days when I read a news story about unthinkable actions committed by another human being and I am left to question god's role in the universe and whether or not we as humans are merely machines albeit very complex ones. Faith is a curious construct because it requires us to act on what many people would call "delusional thinking." However I like to believe that my faith is based on an inner intuition that transcends science while allowing me to come closer to some type of ultimate truth.

If we are indeed just machines that exist in a purely deterministic world while possessing the illusion of free-will, then everything we do in life is set in motion strictly by our genetic code and happenstance throughout life. It is a mind-numbing belief to hold because it robs one of all spirituality and reduces the universe to nothing more than a huge complex clock that will eventually die down and stop permanently.

There are times in my life where I have felt love and those feelings seemed to sink deeper into my soul than what pure science would allow for. Again, this is my intuition speaking based solely on anecdotal evidence. I have learned that money (at least for me) is inconsequential to my happiness, but love is paramount for it. There is no better feeling in the world than to give another person honest love and receive it back from them in full. It is like touching some aspect of god and connecting to something both unknowable and unattainable while also realizing that it flows through us at all times and is constantly there for us to discover.

At some point, a person will seek out the love of another and embark on a relationship that consists of a long commitment. The question then becomes, "as two people grow older and discover different things about life, is it possible for them to simultaneously grow together instead of growing apart?" Is it possible to retain the passion that is present early within a relationship and let it permeate throughout time even into old age?

In my opinion, when one makes a promise to commit to another (whether through marriage or some type of union), that promise should be an indelible inscription across two souls for the remainder of their lives. It "feels" like the right thing to do because, at some point, the challenge of living and experiencing life also becomes intertwined with the preciousness of a solid relationship where two people stand beside one another no matter how difficult the journey. Why? Because that union possesses some element of god and through that unity, the world takes on more structure and stabilization.

Poem

2008-02-27T20:42:00.002-05:00

As I sit beside you in gentle silence,
while the night creeps toward day,
a blanket of calmness wraps around me,
words don't exist that let me say,
how amazing it is to be beside you,
but in the depths of my soul I do pray,
that the moment lingers forever,
as we express our love in silence,
in so many thousands of ways.

Long Time no Talk

2008-02-27T00:36:00.004-05:00

It has been a while since I've made a blog entry because I've been so busy with things but I felt this past weekend definitely deserved one. I'm probably going to come across sounding like a Jr. High kid who just went on his first prom date but I'll try to keep it mature.

This weekend I flew to Colorado to meet my best friend Lynnea. I've known Lynnea for about six years and have only met her once before while in Vegas. I can honestly say that throughout the years, I've always felt a bond with her that is indescibable. I know what you're thinking - "How can you really feel a bond for someone like that when you live so far from her?"

Well, part of it stems from the fact that we've had more phone conversations, online chats and skype sessions than I can count. That allowed us to get to know each other on the inside and become very close friends. There is something very genuine and pure about Lynnea. I've known a lot of women in my life but none as compassionate, spiritual, intelligent and charismatic.

Nervous is a bit too strong of a word to use when descibing my emotional state before she picked me up at Denver International Airport, but any nervousness that I had felt quickly vanished within 10 minutes. I realized at that moment that I was with the same girl I had grown to love and respect after so many years and that we had so much in common.

I won't go into any details about the weekend, but I can say that it was definitely one of the most enjoyable and special weekends of my life. It feels so amazing to meet and be with someone that you love (and they you) unconditionally. I've been on too many "dates" where I or the other person seemed to put up walls, false impressions or just spent more time worrying about what to say than just saying it. I felt none of that with her -- in fact, I felt more calm and comfortable around her than I usually do in general. We went out together and had quite a few "interesting" experiences (like a guy coming up to our table while we had dinner to ask for her number!).

I can't articulate the emotions and feelings into words but suffice it to say that she is an extremely special person and I hope that we always have each other in our lives.

To put it simply, it feels so wonderful to just walk gently yet confidently in love rather than run anxiously and confused through endless unknowns. In other words, when you are with someone and you feel you've been married to them for 20 years, it probably speaks volumes about just how special of a relationship you share with them and how important it is to respect and honor that bond.

I know I will.

/not spell-checking this one tonight

Collatz Conjecture

2007-11-05T20:58:00.000-05:00

The Collatz Conjecture is an open unsolved mathematical problem that has currently defied the attempts of the most brilliant mathematicians to solve it.

What is the Collatz Conjecture?

While solving the Collatz Conjecture has shown itself to be next to impossible, understanding the conjecture is easy. The conjecture assumes that any number (given as X) will eventually reach 1 by using the two following rules:

If X is even (X=0 MOD 2) then divide X by 2.

If X is odd (X=1 MOD 2) then triple X and add 1.

Let's start with the number 7. Since it is odd, we use (3x+1) to get 22. 22 is divisible by 2 so we divide it by 2 and get 11. We continue onward with this and get the following numbers:

7, 22, 11, 34, 17, 52, 26, 13, 40, 20, 10, 5, 16, 8, 4, 2, 1

There are several ways one can go about solving or proving a conjecture. We must prove that all numbers (X) WILL eventually reach 1 given this function. However, we could also set out proving that some number (X) cannot reach 1 given this function.

There are also certain ways to find shortcuts to a proof. For instance, if we can prove that X will eventually fall to a number less than itself, we can assume that the conjecture is true. Why? If we start with X and continue testing increasingly larger values of X (i.e. X+1) AND we also can prove that X eventually falls to a number smaller than itself, then we already know that smaller number eventually will fall to 1 since it has previously been tested.

The premise behind the conjecture assumes something very basic. Pay close attention, because this next statement is profound. The Collatz Conjecture assumes that this function for any X will eventually hit A POWER OF 2.

Huh?

Ok, let's look at the function again.

If X is even: {X / 2}
If X is odd : {3X + 1}

Pay close attention to the first part of the function. If X is even, we must divide it by 2. If, however, we begin with any X such that X = (2^Y) then X will instantly fall to 1.

Observe:

X = 64

64,32,16,8,4,2,1

X = 1024

1024, 512, 256, 128, 64, 32, 16, 8, 4, 2, 1

In essense, the road home for any X in the Collatz Conjecture is for the function to eventually arrive at some power of 2. We have just proven the Collatz Conjecture for a subset of all natural numbers -- namely, all X such that X = 2^Y for any Y such that Y is a natural number.

How big is this subset? Well, since Y can be any natural number. Since there are an infinite number of them, we've just proven the Collatz Conjecture for an infinite amount of numbers but that infinity is just a sub-set of the larger infinity (namely, all natural numbers). Woah. Infinity comes in different sizes.

Since it is obvious that if any X arrives at (2^Y) [such that Y is a natural number], then X falls to 1.

Collatz Conjecture -- The Ups and Downs

Some numbers that are small take many iterations until they get to 1. Take a look at the number 27.

27, 82, 41, 124, 62, 31, 94, 47, 142, 71, 214, 107, 322, 161, 484, 242, 121, 364, 182, 91, 274, 137, 412, 206, 103, 310, 155, 466, 233, 700, 350, 175, 526, 263, 790, 395, 1186, 593, 1780, 890, 445, 1336, 668, 334, 167, 502, 251, 754, 377, 1132, 566, 283, 850, 425, 1276, 638, 319, 958, 479, 1438, 719, 2158, 1079, 3238, 1619, 4858, 2429, 7288, 3644, 1822, 911, 2734, 1367, 4102, 2051, 6154, 3077, 9232, 4616, 2308, 1154, 577, 1732, 866, 433, 1300, 650, 325, 976, 488, 244, 122, 61, 184, 92, 46, 23, 70, 35, 106, 53, 160, 80, 40, 20, 10, 5, 16, 8, 4, 2, 1

27 took 111 steps and got as high as 9,232 before reaching 1. Notice also that every number in this sequence has now been proven to reach 1. Pick any number in the sequence and test it. Actually, you don't have to -- just follow the next number in the sequence.

Let's look at the function again more carefully:

X is odd: {3X + 1}
X is even: {X / 2 }

For increasingly larger values of X, the "+1" in {3X+1} becomes irrelevent. Let me make a strong distinction here, though. The +1 is relevent because after applying 3X + 1 to an odd X, the following number IS ALWAYS EVEN. The question, however, is what KIND of even number 3X+1 will fall on. It is definitely some number that is a multiple of

Take for example the number 100. Let's assume 100 was reached by using the function 3X+1 on the number 33. 100 becomes 50 and then 50 becomes 25. Since 100 is the same as (25 * 2^2), we can call 100 a "even2" number. (I just made that up and will make this more mathematically correct when I get the chance, but I am just trying to get some thoughts out quickly.

Alright, now back to the the heart of the matter.

If X is an even number that falls directly to an odd (What I'll term an "even1" number), then we know that the next number will be approximately 1.5x larger than the original X.

Observe:

X = 31

31 -> 94 (even1 number) -> 47

47 is approximately 1.5x larger than 33.

What if, however, X is a number such that 3X+1 results in an even2 natural number? We will, in essence, be increasing X by 3 and then dividing it by 4. This results in a number that is .75X.

Observe:

X = 33

33 -> 100 (even2 number) -> 50 -> 25

25 is approximately 75% of 33.

Alright, let's forget about the Colletz Conjecture for a moment and pretend that all even numbers are just even1 numbers (not true, but this is just pretend). If this were the case, the Collatz Conjecture would be false. Why? Because every time we increased X by 3, we would then decrease by dividing by 2. The numbers would constantly get larger and larger by 150%.

Observe:

X(1) = 20
X(2) = 30
X(3) = 45
etc ...

Obviously this would never get to 1. The conjecture would be proven false easily.

However, let's assume all even numbers were even2 numbers. In this case, each time we increased X by 3, we would then divide it by 4. The result would be an X that eventually decreases to 1 because each consecutive X would be 3/4'ths the previous X.

Observe:

X(1) = 16
X(2) = 12
X(3) = 9
etc ...

Now, let's pretend that half of the even numbers are even1 and the other half are even2 and, statistically speaking, X has an equal chance of falling on either. Over a large trial, we would see X moving up by 150% and subsequently decreasing to 75% of X. Would this series diverge?

X -> 1.5X -> 1.125X

Yes, this series would diverge to infinity because the net result between a large number of even1 and even2 operations would yield an X such that the next average X would be 1.125X

How many even1 numbers are there, though?

Well, let's look at even numbers more closely.

2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, 16, 18, 20, 22, 24, 26, 28, 30, 32, 34, 36

2 = even1
4 = even2
6 = even1
8 = even3!!!

Woah. Wait. Even3? Yes, 8 is an even3 number. Actually, 8 is a number represented by the function X*(2^3). That's really what an even3 number is. An even2 number is X*(2^2) and an even1 number is X*(2^1).

Alright, enough of the evenX talk. Let's use real mathematics:

...2= 1(2^1)
...4= 1(2^2)
...6= 3(2^1)
...8= 1(2^3)
..10= 5(2^1)
..12= 3(2^2)
..14= 7(2^1)
..16= 1(2^4) [even4 number!]
..18= 9(2^1)
..20= 5(2^4)
..22=11(2^1)
..24= 3(2^3)
..26=13(2^1)
..28= 7(2^2)
..30=15(2^1)
..32= 1(2^5) [even5 number!]

(to be continued ...)

Scratch Pad Stuff:

(3X+1)/2 for all odd X.

Half of all even numbers are X(2^1) where X is odd.
2, 6, 10, 14, 18, 22, 26, 30, 34, 38, 42, 46, 50, etc.

One Quarter of all even numbers are X(2^2) where X is odd.
4, 12, 20, 28, 36, 44, 52, 60, 68, 76, 84, 92, 100, etc.

One Eighth of all even numbers are X(2^3) where X is odd.
8, 24, 40, 56, 72, 88, 104, 120, 136, 152, 178, 194, 210, etc.

Understanding Space-Time

2007-11-02T23:45:00.000-05:00

Understanding Space-Time Part I:
What Exactly *is* the Speed of Light?

One of the hardest concepts to grasp about space-time theory is that time is relative to the observer and is not absolute. The universe as a whole does not follow some "master clock" that encompasses everything.

The speed of light has been measured using various means with significant accuracy. That speed is 186,282 miles per second in a vaccuum. However, that speed is relative to a stationary observer on Earth. How fast would the speed of light appear to be if you trailed behind it at 99% of its speed? It would still appear to leave you at the same speed.

Take another example using the classic unit of measurement to find the distance to a star -- the light year. Suppose that a star was said to be 15 light-years away from Earth. What exactly does that mean? Well, it could mean several things depending on your frame of reference. To the observer on Earth, if a spaceship were to leave and head towards this star at the speed of light, the observer on Earth would notice 15 years later that the spaceship finally made it to that star. What about from the perspective of someone on that ship?

Well, the person on that ship would notice that the trip was instantaneous. How is this possible? How could the ship take both 15 years and, at the same time, get their instantaneously?

The answer lies in something called "relativity."

To be continued ...

Putting up with Time's Bullshit

2007-10-23T19:37:00.000-05:00

I am a patient man because I will wait patiently for something worth waiting for (for something for which to wait -- oh screw the ending in a preposition thing). However, I'm growing rather tired of putting up with time's shit. What do I mean? Well, at the risk of sounding like an absurdist or going off on some nihilistic rant, I don't like the fact that time just goes forward while pushing me along with it. I am reluctant to let go of the past. One of my best friends says I have a problem with the past -- that in some ways I live in the past.

After sorting through a bunch of internal issues, I could only conclude that I am temporally (not temporarily) insecure. Part of this stems from having a very strong memory. I can go back in time easily in my head and relive past emotions, past loves and past experiences that brought me happiness with ease. I can remember the sensations of touch, scents and, with perfect clarity, can recall the sights and sounds of moments that filled me with intense happiness.

It would be foolhardy to believe that life was meant to only be a series of moments that were extremely special. Part of what makes a moment special is the uniqueness of that moment compared with the ordinaryness of every other moment. It is the old cliche "in order to fully understand what it means to be hot, one must have once been cold." Now that does not mean that we cannot partially understand the sensation of being hot without suffering from being cold, but the contrast between the two brings a sort of duality of experience into our lives.

I have loved. I have lost. I sat down the other day asking myself over and over, "is having loved and lost better than never having loved at all," really just a bunch of bullshit? So then I thought about it in terms of hot and cold. When one loves another, they are expressing an emotion opposite of hatred. Between these two extremes is the emotion (or arguably the lack thereof) of indifference. Upon meeting someone, we quickly decide whether we will lean towards love or hate -- we seldom remain indifferent towards people.

In that regard, love and hate are balanced perilously on the tip of a needle. When we invite someone into our heart (in terms of a relationship), we open ourselves up to a lot of possible damage. We take these risks through a leap of faith that the rewards will outweigh them. Opening one's heart is a one-way road. Once opened, the Rubicon is crossed while Ceaser marches proudly towards Rome.

So then I thought about the scope of the question. Losing a love recently served as a catalyst for all this thinking. I got mad at time. I got mad at love. I ran out in a rainstorm with a tall metal rod and screamed at God to bring it on. That's what love can do to a man. Anyhow, the question -- is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

Well, let's look at it from the perspective of time-flow that goes forward (the one we are used to). You meet someone, you fall in love, you make the conscious decision to open your heart, you share happy memories, the shit hits the fan and then you find yourself sitting on a bench in the rain crying your eyes out wondering just what in the hell went wrong. Days go by and you are still feeling the doom and gloom of a lost love. Weeks go by and you feel the after-effects of a broken heart. Months go by and you collect yourself and move on, but you find yourself occasionally thinking about your previous lover. Years go by and all you have is an occasional reminder that sparks a memory and then a quick, "what if," enters the mind and life goes on. However, you are NEVER the same person you were before meeting them.

Now, let's get mad at time. It is time's fault, right? Because at some point in time, he or she loved you and at some point you loved them. There was that magical point where you both loved each other at the same time. That's the special moment that we cherish -- that creeps into our minds when we least expect it. Even though the relationship failed and he or she went on to marry someone else, we carry these memories of what could have been and that seems to satisfy us enough to keep us somewhat happy.

The problem with having a good memory, though, is that sometimes those beautiful moments are very hard to let go. We associate the moment with the person (as we should, since they shared it with us). If we could suddenly flip the lever and send time going backwards, we'd suddenly notice something odd. Buildings springing up instantly while others are slowly disassembled (basically the exact opposite of how things occur in a time-forward viewpoint). We slowly start falling back in love with that special person. Pain slips into confusion while confusion slips back into solid love. Things are great again! Things are exactly as they once were. We are back in those special moments. Hold on, though -- because time isn't stopping! Suddenly we feel the love quickly fade and then suddenly we can't even remember who we were just hugging. All memories of that person are completely erased from existence.

So, going backward in time really solves nothing, because now we're at a greater disadvantage -- we can't even remember the people we had relationships with. So ultimately the solution must be to find a special moment that we treasure and stop time and live in that moment forever. Well, if time really is frozen, how can we really feel anything? How do we grow as a person? We can't grow -- we can't even ungrow -- we just stick. Alright, so freezing time was stupid -- how about we just keep replaying a special moment over and over like an old 8-track. We go through it once and then twice and we are amoured by that special person. Three, four, five and then six times. Sooner or later we suddenly realize that we've run the moment into the ground. I call this the "hot tub" syndrome. Getting into a hot tub feels great for the first minute, but once our body adjusts to the water, it isn't quite as pleasurable. We can't make the water any hotter because we're already at our threshold, so we just have to enjoy the sensation while it lasts because it shortly dies. If you sit in a tub long enough, the water get warm and then cool. Then you step out and start shivering -- hot and cold, love and hate, time running backwards and forwards.

We can't play just one moment that is special over and over, we have to keep finding new moments -- we have to diversify. However, in order for this to happen, there must be some flow of time. We've already determined that a failed relationship is doomed on both ends of time, and moving backwards gives us moments we can cherish yet never remember. The only solution would be for time to move forward -- so that we can both cherish and remember those moments. The echo of that love carries forward in time throughout the rest of our lives. Sure, we will love others, but all of these moments, experiences and echoes eventually make us realize something even greater.

It isn't necessarily loving another that we were only after -- it was learning to love ourselves. To forgive ourselves of the mistakes we made with past lovers -- to forgive them for theirs. It is that marching of time going forward that lends us the opportunity to mend a broken-heart and learn to love again no matter how much pain we experience from a freshly broken one.

Idealistically, I want to say that loving and losing is always better than never having loved at all -- because even if we fail to cultivate the relationship, we have succeeded in learning something greater about ourselves. Ideally, we would recognize those special moments in time when they first started to occur and heighten our awareness of our environment. We would relish the fact that we exist while walking around touching things and staring at different things while thinking, "I am now beginning a special moment, I want to take in as much of this as possible and cement this memory in my heart."

Only then can we move forward and grow as a person when we feel that love continues to fail us. Only then can we learn that love isn't a win or lose proposition, but an eternal learning experience that puts us more in touch with ourselves.

Underneath a Trillion Stars

2007-10-18T23:38:00.000-05:00

There I was sitting atop a hill that overlooks a large city glowing brightly in the night. From the vast distance, the hustle of bodies in the night faded into static. The city, from afar, becomes a vast landscape of tall buildings that hold hundreds of thousands of people.

Each small window holds a story. Behind one, a couple are making love. Behind another, an old man lives alone reading his book before retiring for the night. Yet in another, two lovers meet for the first time while in another window two lovers meet for the last.

As I sat, I closed my eyes while a cool wind crept over my body. I listened but couldn't hear traffic and the blowing of horns -- I was far away from that. A million things were taking place in that city, but with my eyes closed I envisioned a hundred other cities, each with a million different windows that held their own stories.

With my eyes still closed, I wondered what it would be like to be able to hear a billion people all at once. Every conversation that took place across half of the Earth -- would it sound like static? After astounding myself with the thought of how much diversity was present across the world, I then looked up at a trillion stars. How many other Earths were out there? How many windows were there in total throughout the universe?

And then a curious thing happened when I opened my eyes. I saw a rabbit sitting not too far away from me. The rabbit just sat there facing the city. There I was -- alone with a white rabbit on a large hill overlooking an even larger city. What could that rabbit possibly be thinking?

"What in the hell is that man doing just sitting there away from all the other people? What is that man thinking? How many other rabbits are in my forest? How many rabbits are there out there in the universe? Where's my carrot?"

As I sat, I felt a vibration begin in the bottom of my spine and spread out through my body. It caused me to shiver from its energy. I knew that feeling all too well -- it is the feeling of god within my heart giving me a glimpse of infinity. There I sat with my feeble little mind trying to contemplate things that only a god could take in totality.

The rabbit ran off into the woods.

The city grew brighter as my eyes adjusted to the darkness.

"Where did that rabbit run off to," I asked myself.

He ran off into the night. That's when I lied down on that large hill and fell asleep.

That night I dreamt of rabbits, windows, planets, stars and most of all, I dreamt of a love deeper than any love I had felt before.

Inside an old heart

2007-10-13T16:47:00.000-05:00

"Did you love her?"

Yes.

"What was it about her that you loved?"

I don't know. It was a "feeling." Not a feeling I get easily. Not a feeling I feel from many women. Yet, when I feel it, I know it and I knew I loved her deeply.

"And this was years ago?"

Yes. Years. A dozen months or hundreds of days. Time doesn't seem to matter when one talks about love. Love stands outside of time. It just sits there patiently in your heart either waiting for you to take action or waiting for you to invoke memories of your inactions. It sits quietly at the seat of your soul.

"So when you think of her today, how does it make you feel inside?"

I feel that love. I can remember the feelings it invoked inside of me. I can remember the first time we held hands -- the first time we kissed. I can remember how that love felt -- the mystery of what would happen next wrapped within the memories of what we shared that previous day. Love had a way of fucking with time -- one hour with her would seem like only a second, yet just minutes of waiting to see her would feel like days of torment. That's how love can fuck with time. When you are at your happiest and with her, it goes all too quickly. Yet when you are apart and waiting to see her next, it feels like an eternity stretched even further.

"Perhaps that is one way to immortality?"

Yes, exactly. Find a way to leave yourself waiting for her forever and time will come to a complete halt. You will, in essence, have found the secret to immortality.

"And when she never comes?"

That's the thing. That's how time seeks revenge for love fucking with it. That's how time then fucks with love. When she's no longer there -- or when she no longer loves you but you still care and love her ... that's time's way of fucking with you eternally. Unrequited love is sickening. It leaves a man forever naked in the depths of his most precious passions. It leaves him crying on the inside while society forces his to posture himself in a stoic fashion on the outside. Yet, all the while, he is thinking of her and missing her.

"Well, they say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."

Yes, but on the opposite side of that expression is something far more distressing. It is worse for her to have loved you at one point and then ceased loving you than for her to never have loved you at all.

"What do you mean?"

If she had never loved him, then it would be far easier to reconcile the old memories of wanting her -- of needing to be with her. But much scarier still is the possession of memories of when she did love you and when she did care about you only to face the present and find yourself in a time where she no longer thinks or cares about you. Then you find yourself living in the past and that's a dangerous thing to do.

"You should never live in the past. There is always a tomorrow -- a future."

Yeah, but on a more philisophical level, everything comes to past. Everyone at some point will find themselves on their death bed reliving the most important ... the most precious parts of their lives and wondering what it all meant. The first time they were left alone from their parents. I remember that. I remember nursery school and my mom letting go of my hand and walking away. My entire life, I was near my mother and she would come to me if I cried. Yet that day, I remember quite vividly -- she took me to my first day of school and let go of my hand and said, "I'll see you in a few hours, honey!"

I didn't believe her. I was too young to understand. To a kid, once someone you love leaves your field of view, they're as good as gone. So there I was -- alone. I was alone with a bunch of strangers and this strange adult came up to me. His name was Mr. Leo and I didn't know who this guy was. He held my hand and tried to convince me that I would be alright -- but I cried. I screamed out, "MOMMY!" I didn't want to be left alone. I was scared and felt abandoned. Once my mom crossed the threshold of the doorway and I could no longer see her, I became hysterical. Mr. Leo took me over to a large fishtank and I watched fish swimming while crying my eyes out for over an hour.

"What does this have to do with love?"

Because man, when you love a woman, there is that sense of baring it all to her. You invite her into your life and at some point, you stop being a cocky prick type of guy and you expose your true emotions to her. You show her everything and bare it all and if she decides to stick around -- that's true love. That's the most beautiful thing on Earth -- to be able to find someone out there who will find shit stains on your underwear and not get grossed out about it -- metaphorically speaking of course. Someone who accepts you for who you are and chooses to be with you because they love YOU and not some image of a guy they think they'd want to love. That's beautiful.

"And if they leave?"

I felt like that day when I was three years old and my mom had left me. I felt abandoned, alone and scared. Breaking up is an extremely hard thing to do because it is like losing a piece of your family and a piece of your heart. It's one thing when you go up to a female and ask her out and she says no. That's not really personal -- that's rejection, but it doesn't really hurt. But to give your life, heart and soul to a woman and for her to know your deepest fears and silliest habits and then one day she leaves? That's personal -- that hurts. It's like being three again and watching my mom leave thinking she'll never come back.

"Yeah, but there is always future possibilities -- new loves, new people, new adventures."

Exactly. But at some point you realize you're giving a piece of your heart and soul to every woman that comes into your life. How many pieces total can I give out? Then you have to realize that it becomes a little bit harder to bare it all with the next woman because you know the pain of breaking-up and how much it stings -- it really fucking stings. Your heart learns to be a bit more defensive with each new love -- yet that's fucking stupid because you never know at what point you will meet the woman who will be with you your entire life.

"You can't give up on love ever."

No, you can't. But at the same time, the older you get the more memories you have of women who did mean something to you at some point in your life. And no matter what happens, there is always a piece of you that is thinking of them and a piece of you that still loves them -- or at least loves some earlier memory of them. The heart gets filled up with all these memories of experiences you had with them. There are some memories that are too precious to put into words. Each lover has that one memory that you'll always cherish. It is carved in stone for eternity -- or at least until you die. But there it is, locked deep inside your heart occasionally surfacing when you read a particular story or smell a certain scent.

Love never really dies. People come and go within relationships but that love they share? It never really dies. Love is a lot like water. You can't destory water. You can seperate it -- but there is always an ocean of it out there somewhere waiting for you to dive in and experience more. You'll swim and swim and love it but at some point you have to come out of the pool on a cold day and you're left shaking from the cold -- you know you love to swim, but you realize at some point you'll have to leave the pool and then you'll start shaking. What's the best cure to end the coldness -- to end the shaking? To jump back in the pool -- to stay in the pool forever and never leave it.

That's what love is all about. Finding someone to swim with forever.

Poem

2007-10-04T21:55:00.001-05:00

Between the old oak tree and large grey rock,
Through trodden fields that glistened with spring's dew,
there is a place within my weathered soul,
of old memories being close to you.

As the sun melted yellow down the sky,
Between old branches gentle soft winds blew,
and there you sat close to me through the night
heads resting together as darkness grew.

Deep in your eyes was a place of refuge,
Deeper was your soul that would go to any length,
To the depths of your heart to give me strength,
A realization of love that softly sang.

Despite years creeping into tomorrow,
The future springs wept cold rains of sorrow,
As a divide grew between our two souls,
That left shattered emotions full of holes.

I traveled to that place where the hill dips,
my eyes shut, I can feel the brush of your lips,
The air, silent, blows a kiss across my face
as memories of you cause my heart to race.

My eyes open as night has befallen day,
As I sit there longing for some way to say,
I miss your breath and passion and all the while,
I'd walk these fields again for a thousand miles.

No Headline fits ...

2007-09-01T17:26:00.000-05:00

Every once in a while, I'll sit down at the computer and decide that I want to make a blog entry. Some of them (or most) are just rambling stream of consciousness exercises that I'll hastily grammar and spell check. Actually, I don't really even spell check all of them. Anyway, let's just get into this one ...

I spent an hour today talking to a long-lost friend (Lynnea). It was so great to hear her voice and to catch up with her. I've known her for five years but I have only met her once -- yet she is one of the most important people in my life. I consider her to be like family to me. We have had so many wonderful conversations together. Some were philosophical and some were just purely comical. She is, by and far, the most amazing woman I've ever known. That's ridiculous, right? I've only met her once in person -- how could she really mean that much to me? I'd have to step back and put my emotions into perspective. I would have to describe in words the nearly impossible to put into words emotions that I feel when I think of her.

The one thing that I treasure most about her is that we have a very deep friendship based on trust and respect. I have always reserved my emotions of love when it comes to women because I have trust issues. However, she is the one woman in my life that I completely trust. To be honest, it feels so overwhelmingly pure and amazing to be able to have just one woman out there who I could tell anything to and not feel embarrassed or ashamed.

Unfortunately, I've made mistakes that have hurt her in one way or another. They were stupid mistakes that were unintentional, since I would never intentionally hurt her or even risk any action that would make her cry or feel emotional pain. I am human and make some very human mistakes, obviously.

Unfortunately when I try to write about emotions, I generally fail miserably. My biggest fear is the inability to put the feelings I have in my heart into words and, in the process, degrading those emotions and feelings. Some things simply cannot be put into words.

She is an amazing woman. I wouldn't hesitate in any decision with respect to spending the rest of my life with her. On a spiritual level, I will always be there for her and with her in some aspect.

Throughout history, there have always been stories of two people who have always had a very deep spiritual bond. Some of the people in those stories didn't wind up getting married or spending their lives together in that capacity. As a spiritual person myself, I believe there are levels of love that go even deeper than the human concept of marriage. Many would disagree with me, obviously. I don't see *this* life as the only mode of existence.

Well, I really must work on my ability to be a bit more concise with my writing because I don't know exactly what I am trying to say. I guess what I really want to say is that I do love her with all my heart and that it makes me feel wonderful. She does make me happy, even if we aren't able to see each other. That's a pretty powerful statement. Even considering all the times I go out and all the women I meet and have some relationship with, Lynnea fills my heart with something much more powerful and potent than any girl I've met or dated in person.

I'm sure I am a tad bit on the insane side. Most of my closest friends realize this. A lot of people would consider me to be a hopeless romantic. Actually, I'm just a complex person with a huge heart. I love humanity -- I love making people laugh and smile.

Even though I write in a blog, I consider myself on many levels to be a private man. There are things about me that only a few people know. Lynnea is one of them. I would tell her anything. If she needed someone to hug her, I'd be on the first flight out to Colorado. Just for a hug. Perhaps I am crazy, but there is such an overwhelming beauty to that aspect of insanity. What guy would go through all that trouble just to give someone a hug if she needed one?

I have done a lot of traveling and will continue to do even more, but in all of my travels I will never meet someone as amazing, beautiful and precious as Lynnea.

She's just a beautiful woman with an immense heart.

Mental Illness and Creativity

2007-08-25T16:13:00.000-05:00

I can only assume I must suffer from some mental illness because I seem to be far different from others. Whereas most other people seem content to allow themselves to settle into some comfort zone in their life, I am constantly pushing the envelope, breaking through boundaries and exploring deeper aspects of existence.

I am never content. I feel this deep desire to constantly know more about the world. Unfortunately, in my process of learning more, I also learn that there is ten times more that I don't know. In essence, my pursuit for knowledge is the constant realization that the world -- the universe -- is an exponential downward spiral of continuously expanding and ever deepening knowledge. This morning I wanted to look up one thing on Wikipedia. However, I found myself three hours later looking up a few dozen more articles that were related to the original by a string of almost irrelevant connections.

I accept the fact that I am most likely mad. I occasionally hear voices from the shadows. I hear my name being called a lot. If I were slowly slipping into the depths of insanity, I would have to admit that there is a rather romantic side to that fall. I have been told most of my life from counselors and teachers that I am very passionate about knowledge. I spent the better half of my time in nursery school running around the playground trying to find the heir to King George III because someone had whispered that there was nobility present on the playgrounds. When I was a toddler, I remember this being called "lala" visiting me. It was a small, microphone shaped being that would ask me questions about my time on Earth, etc.

If I do suffer from some type of mental illness, it would make sense. The people I respect most in history all had to fight demons. Van Gogh, as gifted as he was, constantly battled depression and the pangs of insanity. However, his mental illness was most likely the source of his extreme creativity. I am also extremely creative, but look at the world very differently from most people.

My mind constantly races with thoughts and ideas. Even during college, I would completely zone out during a lecture and start constructing the most beautiful and eloquent ideas only to be interrupted with, "JASON! HELLO? It's your turn to read, buddy!" I would be the source of laughter all too often throughout highschool because of my eccentric ways.

Sadly, most people don't seem to appreciate the diversity of knowledge, the compassion of shared experiences and the silly nature of existence itself. I've been called weird, eccentric, stupid, crazy, arrogant, egotistical, cocky, stubborn and a host of other adjectives because of misinterpretations of my being. I have a handful of friends who do know me on a deeper level and know that I would give every last penny that I owned and every last bead of sweat or tear to help another person in a time of need.

I'm just weird. I have accepted who I am. It seems to create a great divide among the people that know me. I either have extremely loyal friends or extremely determined enemies, but there is very little in between. I guess that means I may be doing something right. I would never want anyone who meets and gets to know me to develop neutral feelings. I respect those who fiercely hate me as much as those who adamantly love me.

I am who I am. Bill Cosby once said, "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone." That statement holds a lot of truth. You have to be willing to be the person that you are -- including all your faults along with your best traits. Those who remain your friends are there for you for your entire life. Those who choose to be your enemy most likely do so because they see some aspect within you that reminds them of some aspect of them -- and some people aren't as comfortable with carrying imperfections as someone who is -- let's just say ... bordering on insanity.

If and when the time comes, I'll cross that line. The world possesses infinite beauty. At some point, a mind capable of perceiving infinity will try to do so and that is the moment when someone tries to wear the shoes of God and trips violently on his own face.

Evil Beyond Recognition

2007-08-22T17:36:00.002-05:00

I just have to comment on just how absolutely soulless and immensely evil some of these barbarians are within Iraq. I read this article on CNN recently:

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/meast/08/22/iraq.boy/index.html

They basically grabbed a five year old kid and doused him with fuel and set him on fire. He is disfigured for life.

On a more fundamental level, I have a hard time understanding how anyone could do this. This goes beyond robbing a bank to get money because someone is greedy or needs a fix. This goes well beyond anything that serves some sort of egotistical purpose at the expense of another. This is pure hatred and evil simmering in the heart of some individual.

It pisses me off to no end when I see his picture. A part of me wants to obliterate the entire region and start fresh but that would put me in the same category as the attackers. Try as I might to wrap my mind around such evil, I can not comprehend it. I can not understand it. I can only accept that humanity is capable of the most horrendous acts. It scares the shit out of me to think that there are people in this world who could do this. It makes me re-evaluate how G-d might view humanity as a whole.

One can ask forgiveness for their own shortcomings and sins, but shit like this makes me want to fall on my knees and ask for forgiveness for the whole of humanity. We're all in this together and shit like this just begs for an explanation but completely lacks one. It is hallow and empty. It is absolutely sickening and scary.

So very sad.

God, please forgive humanity for falling so very far from your grace. It would take infinite compassion to even begin to forgive such acts. I often wonder if there is any scale capable of measuring the amount of love that would be needed to offset such incredible evil. There are good people and there are those who would give everything to a stranger in need because, deep down, they do understand the nature of love and the sense of community within humanity. But this? This is not the work of a man, but of a machine without remorse or spiritual comprehension of his actions. I just need to understand but, in the end, I must accept that in this world -- in this life -- total understanding is beyond my grasp.

Words of Wisdom (A collection of Business Wisdom from Great People)

2007-08-22T11:33:00.000-05:00

(will add new stuff as I pick up more pearls)

When dealing with contracts, ask only three things and leave the details to the lawyers.

How much?

How long?

and how do I get out?

Also, if both parties feel as though they got screwed, it was probably a good deal.

Life is Filled with Amazing Pleasures

2007-08-19T14:01:00.000-05:00

Yesterday while I was in downtown Annapolis, I decided to buy a nice cigar. I don't usually smoke cigars, but for some reason I wanted one. I wanted a a cigar while enjoying a nice Brandy. Brandy and cigars go together like so many other great things -- wine and cheese, bread and butter, etc.

I thought to myself, "what happened to old the old school traditions? Why can't we bring them back?" It would be so cool to have a nice cigar and brandy party, complete with Texas Hold 'em poker and a lot of great friends to enjoy the night with. Why not splurge a little and go for the very best cigars and brandy? I am determined to have a cigar and brandy party sometime soon. There really isn't anything better in life than getting all of your best friends together, having a room fill up with the smells of expensive cigars and having bottles of brandy to last throughout a few hundred rounds of poker.

Brandy is short for brandywine and is from the dutch word "brandewijn" or "burnt wine." It is basically wine that has been distilled with an alcohol content of between 40 and 60% (80 to 120 proof). Usually brandy is made from grape wine and is generally considered to be an "after dinner" drink. An example of a nice but expensive bottle of brandy is calvados Pays D'Auge.

A cigar is simply a tightly rolled up bundle of dried and fermented tobacco. It comes from the Spanish word "cigarro." There is a rich history surrounding the traditions associated with smoking cigars. Many times, people would buy a cigar and keep it with the intention of smoking it after winning a bet or accomplishing some major feat. The expression, "close, but no cigar," has its roots in this tradition.

I have never routinely smoked cigars, but I generally smoke one during some large event. The last time I enjoyed a good cigar was after my grandmother's funeral. The men in the family got together and we all purchased cigars and lit up together to honor her life -- just as my grandfather would have done had he still been alive. It feels enriching to be able to carry on a tradition within the family, since my grandfather was a cigar and pipe lover. I had never really smoked a cigar before that time. I remember thinking, "no wonder my grandfather loved smoking cigars so much -- it really is nice!" Ahhh, the ebb and flow of life.

So, I would like to organize some interesting parties -- parties with themes in them. It is a lot of fun going out and getting drunk with friends but I want to do more upscale partying.

I have put together a list of different parties I'd like to organize:

Cigar, brandy and poker party.

Wine and cheese party (complete with various types of wine and delicious styles of cheese)

A Mardi Gras mask party (fancy faces party).

A Custom party

I don't think all of my friends would be interested in these type of parties. I have a pretty ecclectic group of friends. Some are more into culture and arts while the others are more into ... the art of drinking endlessly at a cheap bar with a Natty in one hand and a shot in the other.

If you have any ideas for a fun party theme, please let me know!

Recovering from an Accident

2007-08-15T16:48:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday, I went to work -- just like I do on any other normal Tuesday. However, this particular Tuesday would prove to be very different than most. I left work around 9:30am to get some breakfast because I had a lot of work ahead of me and needed the boost in energy. My plan was to skip lunch and just crunch numbers throughout most of the day.

I purchased an egg biscuit and an orange juice from Chick-Fil-A and headed back to work. What happened next was a bit fuzzy to me but I can remember most of it. I was sitting still in my car (an RX-8 which is heavy and low to the ground) waiting to make a left turn onto the street that lead to our Annapolis warehouse. I was sitting there waiting for traffic from the other side of the street to pass. What happened next was easily the most traumatic impact I have ever felt in my life.

I heard what sounded like a stick of dynamite exploding in my backseat. I remember feeling this intense wave of energy just pass through the car. My car was picked up and thrown across the road while doing a complete 180. Apparently, a 76 year old woman was driving a 2007 Corolla and ran into the back of my car without even attempting to stop (there were no skid marks on the road).

As my car was spinning, I felt time slow down. I didn't understand what was happening or why everything in my car was flying in various directions. My cell phone, which had been in my side holster on my hip, was thrown into the back seat. CD's that were up on my visor had been thrown out and shattered throughout the car. When my car finally came to a stop, I remember blacking out for a few seconds. I felt very dizzy and disoriented. My heart-rate then went through the roof and I began to panic, but I couldn't really move. I caught the car that had hit me slowly rolling to a stop behind me with anti-freeze and another liquid pouring out onto the road. I was worried about the other driver and decided to get out of my car. I suddenly felt very dizzy and started to black out again. I didn't realize it, but my head had been thrown back with amazing force. I started to lose consciousness and was afraid I wouldn't be able to control my car from drifting backwards down the large hill.

A man came up to my window seconds later and opened my passenger door. "Are you alright," he asked, but I didn't respond for some reason. I was totally confused and disoriented. "We've called 911, don't move -- an ambulance is on the way."

In what seemed like mere seconds, I saw multiple firetrucks and a paramedic unit arrive. An EMT came up to my driver side and asked if I was hurt. At this point, I started to regain most of my senses. "I'm hurt," I said. He called over to another EMT and said something about getting a neck brace and loading me into the back.

He started asking me some questions about who I was, where I was and what had happened. I knew who I was obviously but I wasn't very sure about what had happened. I remember looking at him and suddenly getting worried that they would forget about my egg biscuit and orange juice. "Please one of you guys eat my breakfast -- I don't want it to go to waste!" The EMT started laughing. "Don't worry, we'll take care of you."

I remember them opening up my front door and back suicide door. They brought a board over and attached a brace to my neck. He then started pulling me out of the car and placed me on the board. They then started placing straps around my body and began taping my head down to the board. After a minute or two, I couldn't move at all. I was completely taped down. I remember looking up and realizing how immensely bright it was in the sky. There were no clouds, the weather was nice and it was just beautiful. I remember squinting at the sun wondering if I was going to be alright. I didn't know if I was paralyzed or what was wrong with me. They asked me if I was bleeding anywhere and I told them that I didn't know. I didn't feel any pain at all because my body was in shock.

They loaded me into the back of the ambulance and began asking me questions. I answered some of them coherently and apparently gave some off the wall answers to some other questions.

"Do you know what day it is?"

"Of course, it is Monday, August 14, 2007."

"Well, you got one out of two right. Not bad."

I remember thinking to myself that I had too much work to get done and that I needed to get out of the ambulance and go back to work. I started to freak out and told them that I didn't have time to go to the hospital -- that I had too much work. The EMT told me I was free to go if I could get out of the straps. Obviously, that wasn't happening because I was completely tied up. He started joking with me about it and we joked back and forth for a bit.

"Do you know where you are, sir?"

"Heaven? And you're all angels, right? We're driving to a strip club?"

He told one of the guys to mark down on the paperwork that my sense of humor was still very much intact. The EMT took my blood pressure and told me that it was pretty high. I told him that it is always high anytime I am near anything related to a hospital. He said not to worry and that they see it all the time when people are in shock.

They unloaded me and began rolling me down long hallways. I started laying down a bunch of one-liners at this point. "Hey, I feel like I'm watching ER!" A few doctors overheard me and laughed. One said, "we've got a comedian this morning!" They stopped me in the middle of a hallway and the EMT guy started talking to a trauma doctor.

"We have a 30 year old male involved in an automobile accident. Neck trauma and upper-back trauma, appears to have lost consciousness several times. Blood pressure is high and heartbeat is extremely high. No past history of any major medical conditions. Blah blah blah ."

"Good morning Mr. Baumgartner, how are you today?"

"You know, you guys need to put artwork on the ceiling for people like me. Counting holes gets old after awhile. Did you know that each of these tiles has exactly 739 holes?"

To be continued shortly ...

"Get OFF the Parking Meter!"

2007-08-12T10:52:00.001-05:00

My life has recently taken a turn for the more chaotic. I now officially go out basically every night and know way too many people by name. I know homeless people on a first name basis because I've stumbled out and sat next to them to chit-chat while trying to sober up.

Last night was no exception to the increase in craziness. One of my favorite bartenders named Kim got me a few rounds of Vodka. This was on top of everything else I had been drinking since 3pm. Who goes out to start drinking at 3pm on a Saturday unless they're going to a baseball or football game?

By the time the end of the night rolled by, one of the girl's I was with had a run in with one of her ex-boyfriends. It was nasty, so I left the bar and decided to check my car. I noticed I had a ticket on it because the parking meter was totally screwed up. For once, I actually paid attention to the times and put the right amount of money in the meter, but the city still fucked me. I got upset and jumped on top of the meter while shaking it.

I heard over a bullhorn, "GET OFF THE PARKING METER!" It was an Annapolis City cop -- shit. Well, I wasn't about to stop then, so I started slapping the meter while screaming, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY, WHOOOOOOO'S YOUR DADDY!" The cop then said, "GET *****OFF****** OF THE PARKING METER!" I climbed down and started walking down the street. I knew I wasn't about to drive anywhere now because the cop knew who I was.

The cop got out and asked me why I was smacking the parking meter. I recognized the cop vaguely. "I got screwed by a broken parking meter and I was just taking out my anger." He told me I could explain it to the judge. Who goes to court for a parking ticket? Yeah, right. The cop was cool and didn't arrest me for sexually assaulting a parking meter. Had the cop not been there, that parking meter would have gotten it good.

Just another night in nap town.

Something Greater than Just "This"

2007-08-12T00:58:00.000-05:00

I am a firm believer that life is more than just a fluke of physics that conveniently allowed for our existance yet mistakenly neglected a higher purpose for it. I do believe in a god and I do believe in the importance and value of love. In fact, I believe in these two things so much that I can "feel" it deep within the core of my being.

Lately, I have had a lot of dreams that have proven to be immensely valuable. A few days ago, I had a dream where I was facing a dark dirty door in a pitch black area. At the top of the door was an area that a "being" touched. This area suddenly grew into a brilliant shade of light similar to an emerald green orb. Suddenly we were thrown high into the sky where another orb of emerald green light was present. When the being touched this orb, a string of magnificent green light connected the two orbs.

At this point, I realized what it was. It was a string that I could follow down into a mine. It was a string that would lead me down to the miners that were trapped. I grabbed hold of this brightly glowing green string and felt myself penetrating the earth. I went deep inside the Earth but found nothing. I was greatly depressed for some reason, because I knew in my heart that the miners were dead (at least in my dream).

When I woke up the next morning, the first article I saw on CNN.com's main page was this:

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/08/09/sanchez.trapped/index.html

The title of the article was "Frustrated family of miner clings to 'one string of hope'." At first, I felt an immense shocked. I wanted to cry, because in some way, God had given me such an immensely emotional dream and then gave me something to confirm (at least to me) that this dream was very symbolic. That brightly colored green string in my dream was the "string of hope" in the article. I realized at that moment that I was given a very unique gift from God. I knew in my heart that the miners were dead, but that they were now with God.

In fact, my entire life has been filled with things like this that I could not explain or even bother telling other people. Most people would assume I was making these things up or, worse still, experiencing psychotic episodes. I have experienced out-of-body sensations for a long time but I've only told my closest friends about them. Most people would assume I was crazy for having these experiences.

I have had other close encounters that have left me face to face with God. I experienced a bit of a drug overdose once that left me in a room that turned mostly grey. I felt my body beginning to shut down but I also felt an overwhelming sense of compassion, love and understanding. I also felt a strong sense of dissappointment on a subconscious level. I remember laying on the floor and having my entire room turn inside out until all I saw what was a very soft and warm light. It was mostly grey, but I remember the distinct feeling of being embraced by love and understanding. I had made a mistake and this being (God?) was projecting a strong sense of dissappointment that was tempered with an infinite amount of love.

There are times when I wish I didn't know these things. I wish I hadn't taken such strong drugs in my past that showed me a vast area of reality outside of what most people understand as everyday reality. I wish I hadn't met God on such a personal level because then I wouldn't feel such an immense amount of responsibility. I can't take things like money, power or fame seriously anymore. The only thing I can take seriously is the importance of love and showing compassion towards others. In the end, it is the only thing worth giving to others.

Sadly, most people on Earth don't understand this. Perhaps it isn't sad, though -- because they aren't faced with such a huge burden. What burden is that? Well, every time I read the news about a killing or a suicide bombing, I feel it. I feel the weight of the world on my soul -- I feel the dissappointment as man falls from the grace of God. I feel overwhelming sorrow at a world filled with such ignorance and evil. In essence, not only do I feel the need to repent for my own transgressions and sins, but I feel the need to repent for those of all humanity. I can feel God's sorrow every time someone kills another or hurts someone else.

There are times when I just can't take the overwhelming amount of emotions and I just want to shut down or escape it all. Yet, I only see a minor fraction of what God can see -- and that must be so painful for God to witness. I wish humanity, on a whole, could rise above greed and ignorance and realize the importance of expressing love towards others.

I go to work every day because I have to make money to survive. Yet, all the money in the world doesn't come close to the feeling of giving someone else unexpected love and showing them that, despite being mere animals, we possess the ability to rise above our physical limitations and embrace the most important aspects of life and living.

Every day I have to struggle with the knowledge that there is so much more than what we see and understand while also accepting that I will always live in a world where most people are incapable of seeing past the physical aspects of humanity.

The Three Great Separators

2007-08-08T20:27:00.001-05:00

I've often thought, with regards to love, what the biggest separators are for two people. I tried to reduce it to as small of a list as possible while still encompassing all the different and possible variables.

The three great separators of love are space, time and emotions. Obviously, space is self-explanatory. If you are distanced from someone you love, it becomes more tying and difficult to express your love for them. Space creates a barrier for intimacy.

The second great separator of love is time. Time is unique because it represents the constant flux that occurs in a relationship. A relationship, by definition, is a union between two people. However, people are constantly in a state of slow and gradual change. Sometimes two people will change together in a common direction, but more often two people will develop greater differences that force them to constantly re-evaluate their relationship. The fact that we loved someone years ago will never change, yet it still stands that we obviously do not love them as much or in the same way as we once did -- hence time pushes all things in various directions and those directions are not always the same. Even the smallest angle will eventually push the end points of two rays millions of miles apart.

The third great separator of love is emotion. Although two people might be close both in space and time, emotions are not always there. Perhaps one person loves another a little more than the other loves them. Perhaps one loves the other slightly before the other started loving them (emotion and time). Unrequited love is painful, though. Perhaps the other is in a relationship while the other is single. There are a million different reasons why emotions might not be present. Perhaps time will change that, or a change in proximity.

Well, those are the three great separators of love.

What is Sexiness?

2007-08-06T22:18:00.000-05:00

Growing up, mainstream society forced a certain impression of "sexiness" down my throat. Ads featuring beautiful, skinny and flawless women could be found everywhere -- billboards, television commercials, magazines, newspapers, bus-stop areas, etc. Sexiness was always something physical and skin deep. It was something only your eyes could enjoy.

However, as I got older, I realized that I had been deceived by clever marketing and misleading subliminal suggestions. Yes, skin does sell products, but in the process of dipping waist deep into consumerism, I neglected the essense of true sexiness. So, I spent some time thinking about what exactly sexy represents and compiled a list.

Sexiness is waking up next to a woman wearing no makeup and having her smile at you with complete self-confidence in who she is as a woman.

Sexiness is realizing that you love someone deeper than the texture of their skin and the growing wrinkles near their eyes.

Sexiness is admitting your imperfections in a way that makes you seem more perfect.

Sexiness is holding her hand at a random moment because you want her to know that you love her and are thinking of her.

Sexiness is learning to laugh together at life's wacky randomness, and not fearing to cry in front of her when life wacks you too hard.

Sexiness is knowing that you won't always say the right things, but realizing that sometimes it is just your voice she needs to hear.

Sexiness is going to a new place together without any pre-arranged plans because you want to experience something new and exciting with just her.

Sexiness is sharing a glass of wine together in silence while taking a bubblebath together while she leans back against you.

Sexiness is getting mud all over your face and having her give you a big hug because she loves you more than she hates getting mud on her face.

Sexiness is never letting go when it sometimes hurts a lot to hold on -- it is the essence of learning to forgive and forget because the two of you are only young souls wrapped in human faults.

Sexiness is inventive. Sexiness is adventurous. Sexiness is spontaneous. Sexiness is expressive. Sexiness is raw.

Most importantly, sexiness is a feeling and not an ad.

Jesus Falls to the Floor

2007-08-06T21:56:00.001-05:00

During the wedding, we had communion. Also known as the Eucharist, communion is basically a Catholic tradition of fulfillment of the instructions given in Corinthians 11:24-25. During the Last Supper, Jesus gave his disciples pieces of bread while saying, "this is my body." He also passed around a cup, telling the disciples that "this is my blood."

The word "Eucharist" has its roots in the Greek word "Eucharistia" which roughly translates to thanksgiving. Eucharist is generally viewed as a sacrament by Catholics and as an ordinance by Protestants.

With that aside, I remember once while participating in the sacrament of communion (Catholic Church), I dropped the piece of bread on the floor. I was absolutely mortified -- I had dropped Jesus. Remembering the ubiquitous "five second rule," I realized if I acted quickly enough, I could save that piece of Jesus and still eat it without getting sick. As I reached down to pick it up, the father said, "No!" Why? It was only two or three seconds at most. A piece of Jesus was laying on the floor next to me. It was a perfect moment to symbolize that, yes, Jesus could rise again -- right into my mouth.

The father picked up that particular piece of Jesus and shoved another piece directly into my mouth. It was so unexpected that I started gagging and choking. Would a piece of Jesus now kill me? I didn't have time to react by chewing, I merely swallowed that piece of Jesus whole and grabbed the cup from the father and downed the entire thing.

If I was going to fuck up communion, I was going to do it in style.

Marriage and Catholic Weddings

2007-08-05T12:30:00.000-05:00

My best friend got married yesterday. While in the wedding, I had to stand for a good hour while various portions of the ceremony played out. When I saw the bride start to walk down the isle, I was hit by an overwhelming amount of emotions.

"Pull yourself together, Jason! You're not even the one getting married!"

I have known Aaron since we were little kids. We have been through hell and back together, lived together for a few years, traveled to Amsterdam and London, been to countless parties -- Yadda yadda, but now he is married. I'm not sure I really understand it, but I am happy for him. It is strange that all of closest friends save for one are all married -- except me.

The father was a very intelligent man. We spent some time during the rehearsal dinner talking about the Schism, King George and anti-popes, etc. I myself am not Catholic but I do know quite a bit about the religion. Standing in the Loyola Alumni Chapel was impressive - it is a beautiful church. It was quite the experience.

Truthfully, I am not myself lately and I don't know why. Although I've had a great week (New York City with a good friend, countless parties, a wedding, etc.), I feel very disconnected from things. I believe part of that feeling stems from the fact that I am just exhausted, having averaged only a few hours of sleep per night over the past week.

My friend that I took to NYC flew home today. She is quite an amazing person. It has been quite a while since I've hung out with a woman who is genuine and up front without any pretense or bullshit. That was a relaxing change of pace from what I've been used to. She will be greatly missed.

Five Thousand Billion Trillion Quintrillion Experiences

2007-08-01T17:29:00.000-05:00

How many moments in our lives would we define as an "experience?" What exactly is an "experience?" Can an experience be defined by a unit of time? Is it possible to have an experience last just one second that is more powerful than an experience that lasts for hours? Are experiences based in objective reality or are experiences based on a more personal and subjective reality?

On a more metaphysical level, I have often asked myself if objective reality even exists? I know that a wall will always cause me physical pain if I run towards it at full speed. All the believing in the world won't allow me to run through the wall, but quantum mechanics does suggest that there is a very very slim chance I could do just that. In fact, quantum particles "tunnel" through obstacles all the time. However, the "macro-world" is far different than the quantum one.

The "many worlds interpretation" of reality states that if an event is possible, it does occur but that all possible occurrences force the universe to branch off into an almost infinite amount of other universes that can account for all possibilities. If that were so, would all the concentration in the world force me into a universe where I win the lotto or can run through a wall?

I've often thought about quantum mechanics and how it could relate to love -- probably much too esoteric for most people to swallow over a nice dinner. What I have often wondered is whether MWI (Many Worlds Interpretation) and quantum mechanics can prove that true love exists. In some universe that constantly branches off into others, there does exist a copy of me that has carried on beautiful relationships with every one of my ex's. Statistically though, love is bound to die at some point. We all are forced away from one another through this constant branching and splitting of possibilities.

Yet, if MWI is real, why does my consciousness exist in these particular universes? If I would rather be with someone I once loved, why wouldn't my consciousness choose to follow those branches? Perhaps it is either because MWI is false or that consciousness is much more complex than we realize.

I did notice something though during a recent trip to New York City (which I will blog about at some point). I realized that experiences are the spice of life. We don't necessarily have to have permanence in our lives to enjoy the diversity of experiences. In fact, such a permanence might very well become detrimental to our growth. Let's face facts -- pain is horrible but a necessary condition for growth. Without pain, we would never understand another person's pain or suffering. Our pain makes us more compassionate and empathetic towards others. Pain also forces us to realize a contrast to pleasure. Quite simply, without suffering emotional and physical pain, we would never truly appreciate moments of blissful pleasures.

I also don't think love has to necessary be eternal -- but I do believe that we constantly experience aspects and facades of love to better understand how to love ourselves more completely. I do believe there will always be a wall, even if only a millimeter thick, between two lovers. No matter how close they feel that they have become, there will always remain some gap or distance between them -- and that gap is a part of the pain of being human. We think impure thoughts, lust inappropriately and contemplate the most hideous of things. This is a part of being human -- human nature. The important thing is learning not to act on those impulses, to rise above the animalistic instincts, and to show compassion towards others and remorse when we have erred.

At some point, I do believe everyone experiences a very intense moment. It may be fleeting or seem ever-lasting, but in the big scheme of things, it is only temporary. However, in that moment, we as humans experience an aspect of infinity. We cross the boundaries of every possible universe and swing across each moment in time and arrive at a singularity of intense passion and love. At some point in our lives, no matter how quick in time that moment is, we experience a greater and more uplifting experience that transcends mere emotions and forces us to accept that we are so very very small while so very very important.

Compassion Part II

2007-07-22T03:22:00.000-05:00

I am having a little trouble falling asleep, so I will take the time to write about a dream I had last night. It is symbolic to me in several ways.

In my dream, I was situated on top of a large hill that overlooked a beautiful city. I was looking out through a window into a large backyard area with a very nice pool and statues that surrounded the pool. The dream was very vivid and real -- a lucid dream that I have occasionally. A person came up next to me and smiled and said, "isn't it beautiful? This is one of the most beautiful cities in the world." I asked her what city it was and she replied, "It is beautiful San Francisco."

It was at this point that I realized I was within a dream, but I decided to go outside to explore the city. It was interesting to explore a city within a dream that I have yet to visit in real life. I remember the streets were filled with people and that there were large ports near the ocean area. The sky was completely clear, the sun was shining and the air was clean and dry. I inhaled deeply and began riding a bike down one of the streets while observing the people.

"So this is what west coast people are like," I remember thinking to myself. Something about the dream went further than just my mind's illusion of what I thought San Francisco would actually look and feel like in real life. There was a lot of emotion within the dream -- I felt a sense of freedom and excitement to be able to travel and visit a new place. Even though it was just a dream, it was amazingly detailed and filled with subjective material of great personal significance.

I want to share something with you that means a lot to me. Deep within my heart, I feel an intense passion and desire to travel. My last trip took me to Denver, Colorado, which I found to be an exciting and vibrant place. Denver is a beautiful city and definitely a place I could see myself living in at some future point in my life. The glorious mountain spans, the clean air, the endless activities in which to engage like skiing, white water rafting and hiking.

The world is such a large place. There are more than six billion people in the world. There are hundreds of moderately sized cities throughout seven different continents. There are adventures ready to invigorate the soul while saturating one's senses and desires. There are hundreds upon hundreds of different culinary dishes waiting to be tasted. Among the multitude of museums, there lies nearly limitless amounts of works of art to be viewed, analyzed, interpreted and felt by the heart. There are different types of stones contained within mountains ready to be felt by the hands of a climber eager to reach new heights -- both physically and spiritually.

In this dream of San Francisco, I looked out beyond the streets and beyond the buildings that formed the city skyline. What I saw was something much more spiritual and metaphoric. While my hands were eagerly pressed against the glass, I realized that I was alone. What I began to feel within my heart was a sense of loneliness and isolation. I then asked myself what good there is in traveling the world when there is nobody there to travel with me.

I walked down a street in San Francisco and turned into an alleyway. I called out to her but she was not there. I looked up and saw the movement of clouds as they raced across the sky. I then looked at my watch to check the time and saw the hands spinning rapidly. What worth was there in traveling down new streets when there was nobody to be there by my side?

"Isn't it beautiful? This is one of the most beautiful cities in the world."

I turned around but she was not there. I could travel down every street in the world in a pathetically futile attempt to find her. At night, I'll often walk slowly down different streets and look up at the old buildings in the city. On the upper floors, I'll stare into the dark windows and pretend that perhaps she's in there looking back at me. I'll delude myself into thinking that perhaps that's where we lived for many years and that, in some sense, she was in that dark room sleeping -- waiting for me to come home.

I know why I love to travel to new places. I understand my fascination for discovering new works of art and exploring new streets. In some sense, every place I visit has a piece of her somewhere. Part of the thrill of traveling is the nearly impossible chance that I will see her again. Every art museum I visit gives me the opportunity to look at a painting that might remind me of her in some way. Perhaps a certain flow of yellow crashing into the blue of an abstract painting will cause a flashback of her beautiful green eyes against her dark hair.

I know why I love to go to so many places. It's because I never really had a place I could call home. Home to me is that random window in a building on a distant street within a distant city. A place where she just might be resting, waiting and wishing for me to bump into her as much as I wish she would bump into me.

There are streets, though, that one can never go down. These streets of time are paved with our own memories. Dreams allow us to break through those impossibilities and see days far gone and removed from our lives, but so near and precious to our hearts.

I will never understand how anyone could cheat on someone they love. Love is so hard to cultivate at times. What amazes me most is how so many people actually have someone right next to them, yet could so easily mislead them by choosing to be faithless to their commitment. To work so hard in searching and exploring to find someone to love, only to then turn around and destroy that trust seems so barren to me. If you find someone even remotely compatible -- someone you can have great conversations with -- shouldn't it be one's first nature to never let that person escape your life? Even more importantly, why on earth would anyone ever betray that person? Is a moment of pleasure with a stranger worth destroying a lifetime spent building a relationship and caring for another human?

Yet here I am traveling the world -- for the rest of my life -- to find that one special person that so many others take for granted.

But I do love to travel. It reminds me why love is so important. When you give your heart to someone, you give them your trust. Love without trust was never love at all.

Yet, I read stories all the time about politicians who have cheated on their wife because they were given the chance to keep from getting caught. There is never a possibility of getting away with deceit, because that moment of deception is always there in the back of one's mind.

Compassion -- it is an Amazingly Potent Thing

2007-07-22T01:24:00.000-05:00

Well, it is Saturday night at 2:30am -- technically Sunday night. I went out tonight and, without exaggeration, was the life of the entire bar. I have been going to Acme for quite some time and a lot of people know me now. The amazing thing is that my intention was never to become such a well-known and well-liked person. Tonight I had guys asking me for my number because they said I was the coolest person they've ever met. That was really flattering. I'm not sure what has happened to me over the past month or two, though. It started when I got back from Denver and has only snowballed since.

Part of it has to do with compassion. When I go out to a bar or a club, I realize that everyone is out to have a good time. I love to see a guy hit on a woman he likes and to succeed with her. I have not attempted to "hook up" with any woman over the past few weeks, but I've gotten more phone numbers and requests to hang out by them than I have ever had in my life. I've got a hundred different nicknames. Two very beautiful women nicknamed me "Louis the 14th" -- whatever that means (but it is cute).

One thing I have noticed, though, is that I am not afraid of expressing my emotions anymore. I've had a few major setbacks in my life lately and one drove me into a deep depression where I thought about ending it. However, I would never do such a thing. Life is too precious and short to throw it away because of a temporary life situation that will improve with time.

When I talk to a girl, I give her a hug and kiss her on the cheek and find something nice to say about her. I don't do it to get laid -- I do it because I want others to feel good about themselves. I had no idea how real Karma really was until I realized that people really care about me and love being with me. I've seen a few unfortunate circumstances where people have said bye to someone assuming they would see them again -- only to never see them because of one of life's unpredictable circumstances.

Tonight I got over six different numbers -- some guys and some girls. Two of the girls were extremely beautiful but my sense of sexuality has currently been pushed aside by my more pure sense of compassion and love for humanity. In essence, I want to help others immensely.

I went out and bought a book and a card for Jason wishing him luck with his job hunting endeavors. He sent me a text telling me that was the most amazing thing anyone has ever done for him. It only took 5 minutes of my time and ten dollars, but it meant the world to him.

In conclusion, I'm realizing very quickly that the smallest investments from the heart (especially when they are from pure intentions) go extremely far in making another person feel good about themselves. I go out every night of the week now because I want to be around other people and I want to know who they are and I want to help them.

I've been filled with such an immense sense of happiness and excitement that words can't really describe it. When I went up to the girl having a bachelorette party, I gave her a hug and kissed her on the cheek and wished her a great marriage and she just smiled from ear to ear.

I can feel myself filling up with an intense and passionate form of sincere love for humanity and it is just overwhelmingly powerful. I haven't been this happy in a very, very long time. Sadly, I've spent a lot of my life denying myself of this most simple pleasure. For some reason, I've resisted expressing my emotions and love for fear of rejection or embarrassment. What I have found, though, is that there is no rejection or embarrassment. Some people close themselves off from the world but when they detect pure and sincere intentions from another person, they tend to allow themselves to open up.

I'm on the verge of an overwhelming life transformation.

To put it bluntly -- I'm no longer afraid to open myself up or risk being vulnerable because I am much more powerful emotionally than I ever gave myself credit for.

This blog is rambling and off the wall, but it feels good for me to be able to articulate these feelings.

Thanks for reading.

Weekend Report

2007-07-21T16:06:00.000-05:00

Best Pick-up line by a girl to me after watching me attempt to dance:
Are you on Myspace?? I am so putting you as my #1 friend!

Worst Spoonerism Moment:
"Bartender, I'll take a cum and roke ... I mean rum and coke!"

Best moment of cockiness by me:
Telling that MILF that I would totally do her ... in front of her 22 year old daughter ... then feeling bad ... then turning to the daughter ... and telling her that I'd do her first, of course. Then watching her mom laugh and be cool about it.

Most Random moment:
Kissing some random girl on the cheek because I wanted to kiss some random girl on the cheek. Then having her friends ask me to get in pictures with them of me kissing everyone.

Most OMG I can't believe you did that moment:
Flashing the shocker between two girls getting their picture taken.

Worst Dressed:
Guy with the Polo shirt with the collar straight up and the blue "kilt like thing."

Best Dressed:
Jenn the bartender -- always with the cleavage.

Ps: To that girl who was taking a picture of her frienda -- that symbol that I made with my hand -- it's called the shocker.

Two in the cha-cha, one in the ka-ka.
Two in the frollicks, one in the bollocks.
Two in the cooter, one in the pooter

Muhahaha!

Near Tears in a Bar

2007-07-20T00:21:00.000-05:00

Before I begin writing this blog, I need to make it very clear that I am not the type of guy to easily cry. I have never been moved to tears in a public place in my entire life, but tonight was much different. I literally felt my eyes well up with tears and I had to excuse myself to the bathroom, where I continued dabbing my eyes with paper towels in the stall.

What brought this on? What could possibly move me, a stoic and mature guy to suddenly display such intense emotion -- especially in public? It was due to a story told to me by a good friend of mine. It hit my heart so hard, that I could not help but care who was looking or who was around me. It was the most profound and heartfelt story that I had ever been told by another human being in a public setting. I can honestly say that it was one of the most impacting moments in my entire life.

I have a friend who is in the music business. He is a black man with many tattoos all over his arms. He is a very intelligent and sincere person who knows music inside and out. I call him the Einstein of music, whereas I am the Neils Bohr of music. We constantly struggle to outdo each other with music trivia. That night, the subject of drugs came up. I was talking about cocaine with his girlfriend for a bit and how cocaine isn't the "hard" drug that many make it out to be. We went on about the the economics of the war on drugs and how our prison system is overcrowded with non-violent drug offenders, etc.

Well, I had to make the reference about coke first so that the rest of the story makes more sense. I started talking to Jason (Einstein) and asked him a very simple question, "what do your tattoos mean?"

Now, most of the guys I have met who have tattoos usually get very unoriginal ones -- vines around the arms, Chinese symbols that they think mean "love and war" but really mean "black and fight." He proceeded to go into one of the most amazing and heartfelt explanations about his tattoos and how they pertained to his life that I had ever heard.

"This is my flesh, and these are the reminders of where I've been in my life, and where I want to be. They are reminders of the struggles that I've had and how I do not wish to repeat those same mistakes." He had wings of Gabriel and Jacob on his back, spiritual symbols of love and death on his forearms, etc. Each tattoo was accompanied by a very sincere and true story about why they were on his arms.

I found out that at some point, he suffered from a severe cocaine addiction and almost killed himself because of it. I instantly remembered his girlfriend moments earlier telling me how much she hated cocaine -- it all made much more sense.

What moved me to tears, though, wasn't necessarily the stories of struggle and recovery, because we have all fallen. What hit me hard was how sincere he was in telling those stories. Generally, you can tell when someone feeds you a bunch of bullshit while you just nod your head lightly and roll your eyes. This was straight from him heart. I started by scratching off the label to my beer bottle in some feeble attempt to keep composed but I just had to get up and head to the bathroom where I took some time to really think about the important things in life vs. what I assume to be important things. There is a difference.

The best thing about being in my 30's is having the same energy and drive as I did in my 20's but having it tempered with a lot more wisdom and compassion.

Jo-Ann Fabric and Bathrooms

2007-07-18T10:28:00.000-05:00

While shopping at a Jo-Ann Fabric store in Logansport, IN, a lady had a sudden case of diarrhea. Management at that store refused to allow her use of their restrooms. She had to endure the utter humiliation and embarrassment of feces running down her leg because of this. The entire story can be found here.

I wrote the CEO, Darrell Webb, of Jo-Ann Fabric and Craft Stores this quick e-mail:

I read the story of the lady who needed to use your restrooms in an emergency while your management just allowed her to defecate all over herself instead.

I will NEVER shop at your store again and will be sure to e-mail this story to all of my friends, coworkers, family and associates so they may pass it around.

Absolutely SICKENING.

The next day, I received the following response from Mr. Webb:

We made a mistake. We're very sorry for any frustration and embarrassment that we caused our customer at the Logansport, Indiana, Jo-Ann Fabric and Craft Store on Friday, June 29.

Many of our store restrooms are located in areas that are not readily accessible to customers and therefore our policy limits the access to the restrooms. However, we have immediately changed our policy to allow any customer to use our restrooms upon request.

Again, we acknowledge our mistake in handling this matter and sincerely hope that our customers will be pleased by our change in policy.

Darrell Webb
Chairman, President, and CEO
Jo-Ann Fabric and Craft Stores

I am glad Mr. Webb took responsibility for this matter and has since adopted a new, less shitty, bathroom policy.

Going up to New York City this Weekend

2007-07-16T17:50:00.000-05:00

There is a FARK.COM party in NYC this weekend, so I'm going to head up there and party with them and then find a nice, comfortable park bench in Central Park and take a nap until the trains start back up in the morning. I know it sounds ghetto, but I need a nice break from routine -- and what better way than to travel, sleep on a park bench and wake up a few hours later so you can watch the sun rise while reflecting on one's life.

Perhaps I'll take my Ipod with me and put on Pink Floyd's "The Wall" while looking out across Central Park. I don't really care about criminals, homeless people, misfits or pick-pocketers (is that a word?). They can steal my I-pod if they want, since I need to get a new one anyway.

What I really want to do is break away from normalcy for a little while and live life on the edge. My best friend and I have always talked about sleeping out on the streets for a weekend just to understand what it is like to be homeless, but the psychological effect is never quite the same. Why? Because you know after all is said and done, you have a home to return to. However, I rather enjoy risk. I love riding the subway when some freak is on it. I love the adrenaline rush of wondering if someone is going to start shit with people and perhaps even with me.

I don't think I have a passive disregard for my own safety, but living the corporate life has left me all but soulless and devoid of compassion. Three years ago I was going on dates constantly, getting laid by hot women and generally felt excited about the world. I felt a sense of happiness that is now lacking in my life. That sense of happiness was consumed and digested by routine -- by the monotony of corporate life.

I'd like to break away from that. Yes, I'll move -- perhap to Denver, CO. or California, depending on which place I end up getting a nice job. I love Colorado because it is beautiful and smack dab in the center of the country (more or less). I want to get back into traveling and doing exciting things.

I just can't take the same monotonous, boring, drudgery that corporate life brings. I'm all but dead inside because of it -- yet there is a flame deep within that wants to reignite.

Fuck it -- time for some changes.

Great Quote -- Short and Sweet

2007-07-16T16:24:00.000-05:00

"When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory. "

--Nietzsche

Ending Women's Suffrage

2007-07-15T12:07:00.000-05:00

Let's all do our part to end women's suffrage!

Mild Mannered Reporter by Day ... at Night?

2007-07-14T14:28:00.000-05:00

Most of my friends know me as that eccentric genius that is the glue that sort of bonds all the different type of people together. I take pride in being able to relate to almost anyone because I believe that we all have at least one thing in common.

What people *DON'T* know about me is my other side. The side that has fallen off the wagon many times over. That side that rides through life with wreckless abandon. That side that carries some sort of internal anger towards a complicated web of existentialist issues. I love people with all my heart. I generally can sniff out a bit of good in the most evil of people. Although the worst may do what they do with no remorse, I do believe in love and I do believe in compassion.

The most troubling aspect of my life is that I feel my time is running out. I don't know why, but I don't feel like the passion and light inside of me will last forever. You are probably scratching your head wondering just what in the hell I am talking about -- and I wouldn't blame you, either.

Honestly, I am overwhelmed by the world. I want to experience everything but realize that is all but impossible. The world is a huge place and I want to be able to live in all corners of it, but one person can not do that -- not in one lifetime. I would want to wipe away the tears of a crying woman and get to know her and help her, but my passion burns so intensely that I never really get the chance to be with just one for any length of time.

I just hop from one close friendship to the next because that is how it always works out. I have only myself to blame for that. I make the same mistakes over and over, because just when I am ready to embrace something with just a hint of resemblance to something permanent, I spring off into another tangent.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a pinball machine. Sometimes I am the paddle on the left side, sometimes I'm the paddle on the right. Then suddenly I'm the ball getting shot around until I end up ricocheting between two bumpers a hundred times -- god, that is painful. If that were the case, who would be keeping score of my life? Why did I end up in the 5x bonus hole when I could have ended up in the 10x or 25x bonus holes?

Then there are these great monumental disasters in life. A friend that dies, a parent that gets very sick -- a boss that tears into you at a moment of vulnerability that causes you two get two paragraphs into a two-week notice only to delete it and leave early for the day. Is this when the ball comes straight down the middle between the two paddles? All the button pressing in the world won't save the ball -- because it was destined to end up there. Sure, you can shake the shit out of the pinball machine, but then it tilts and the paddles turn off. That's when the ball just bounces around fruitlessly for a little while until rolling back and forth and dropping pathetically between the paddles. The end result is the same -- go out in a blaze of glory slamming the paddles while screaming as the ball disappears or throw the machine back and forth under the assumption that you can override cosmic destiny. Hey, I'm human -- I'm more important and better constructed than a silver metal ball.

Then there are the ultimately profound questions with no answers. If I can run 19.2 miles per hour, why can't I run 19.3? Is there some great mathematical equation that governs our lives? Are we merely little metal balls masquerading around as sentient beings with an illusion of control?

I sat behind a truck carrying large canisters of Oxygen. On the back of the truck were two signs. On the left was a green sign that read, "NON-FLAMMABLE." On the right, a red sign read, "FLAMMABLE." I felt a bit of insanity creep over me. I wanted to back up my car and then run into the truck at full speed to answer just one simple question -- "which sign was ultimately correct?"

... and that's how I feel that I've currently been living my life -- testing a hypothesis by the means of wreckless abandonment for the consequences. Some might call me immature while others would call me just another rebel without a cause. As a guy, I do enjoy dabbling in moments of chaos and order. I respect the intelligent planning and intense will-power to carry through with immense projects that bring order into our world. The beautiful and unique buildings, the bustling streets with cars, etc. Although it may sound sick, I also enjoy it when the wheels come off and I get to witness an amazingly violent and destructive train-wreck. Some are physical in nature, complete with huge fireballs, destructive explosions and shrapnel propelled at super-sonic speeds in all directions. Then there are the mental train-wrecks. We're only human, we do succumb to our environment at times. One of the most painful lessons in life is learning to ... no ... wanting to get back up after we fall -- figuratively speaking of course.

We also live in a world of blatant hypocrisy. As a kid, I grew up with the understanding that older people were always more intelligent and that the government was always good. As a thirty year old, I now realize that many people are lazy, self-serving and ego-centric individuals. Our government is merely a more unified collection of these type of people.

I was taught as a kid that drugs were bad and that drug-users were non-productive, wasteful, unintelligent, disease ridden, abusive and completely criminal in nature. Lo' and behold, as I got older I realized that everything I was taught about drugs was pure bullshit. Nancy Reagan's 80's campaign of "Just Say No!" may have been well intentioned, but she was probably victimized by the same bullshit rhetoric as the rest of us.

If smoking pot is so bad, why are cigarettes still legal? That's real simple -- our government is ultimately not geared towards safety or the common social welfare of the people but about money and power. Heroine, cocaine, opiates, benzos, LSD, barbiturates, MDMA, etc. -- they're all drugs that were once legal but eventually became illegal.

What's the first thing you think of when you hear the word "heroine?" Do you think of some guy in an alleyway or under a bridge tapping his flesh before shooting up his next dose? Notice I said "his," because drugs are always associated with males -- very rarely do you envision women with drug abuse problems. Very rarely do we hear about female drug dealers or drug use in general by females -- save for the runway models at the age of 12 that were already learning about coke to keep thin or the happy L.A. socialites popping vicodin before getting plastered on alcohol at a red-carpet club.

The government does not believe in social, responsible or recreational drug use because, as we all know, drug users are unproductive members of society that increase crime rates wherever they end up. Oh wait, I should amend that statement -- people that use ILLEGAL drugs are unproductive. Those that use caffeine, nicotine and alcohol are generally upstanding members of society. Also, people who use legal crack such as Ritalin or Adderall prescribed by a doctor are also productive. People who are prescribed anything by a doctor are productive -- this includes benzos for stress or sleep, barbiturates and synthetic opiates for pain control (but not mental pain, even though opiates are far better at treating depression than many SSRI's, etc.). Wait, this is the same as illegal drugs? Oh, they're controlled by the government, so that makes it all right. If you do crack on the street from a drug dealer, your ass had better be ready to do a few years, but if you're just an ADHD kid cranked up on Adderall, enjoy yourself.

We're flooded by a bunch of lies while we drown in their hypocritical nature. Drugs don't cause crime levels to increase -- the war on drugs causes them to increase. Why? Because when you make anything illegal, you drive up its value. Things that cost more are worth robbing banks to get. If an eight-ball of cocaine cost $25, I doubt you'd have as many shootings within inner-city ghettos. However, make it illegal and drive the price up over $300 and now there is something worth shooting over, right?

We have more people locked up in our prisons for bullshit offenses than all the European countries combined. Do you feel safer now that Joe is locked away securely instead of smoking pot at his house on a Friday night? I certainly don't.

Meanwhile, pharmaceutical companies continue to line the pockets of our elected officials with cash, free flights and trips to Vegas at the glorious Wynn hotel. If you think I'm paranoid, do the research for yourself. Look at how much money is contributed by pharmaceutical companies. Do you think that congress would EVER pass a bill on drugs that made sense vs. passing a bill that gave them a huge pay day?

There is an old saying. If something doesn't make any sense, just follow the money trail to find out why. If I go out to the corner to buy a dime bag of weed and get caught, I'm in some deep shit. Yet it is perfectly acceptable for someone to light up next to me and spread hundreds of carcinogens into the air for others to breath. Wouldn't that be a form of terrorism to some of our high-strung ultra-conservative elected officials? Shouldn't we ship all these smokers to Guantanamo Bay?

I apologize that this blog went off on a tangent, it was really meant to be two separate blog entries.

One Great Overriding Principle

2007-07-10T00:26:00.000-05:00

There is but one great and overriding principle in life. That is the magic and power of love. Only the deep embrace of someone you love is capable of stopping time, overturning misfortune, reversing pain, stopping fear and revitalizing your soul. The next time you find yourself in a relationship that feels true and secure -- the next time you find yourself in the arms of another person who values you as much as you do them, remember to grab them tightly and make the moment stretch out into infinity.

Although time itself may be finite and our time on Earth an even smaller fraction, close your eyes and grab them with all your strength and push time away. Feel them tightly against you and tell yourself that, despite the fact the universe will come and go, that very moment the two of you now share will be etched permanently in its proper place in the great temporal schism that holds all tales and eternal memories.

In that very moment, hold them as long as possible and just when you feel it is time to let go, squeeze them even harder for just a few seconds more. Give your entire being to the moment, your entire soul to theirs and let all your deepest passions and dreams come to the surface so that they may, however briefly, melt and mix with the person you are with.

Our lives are much too short and our love too infinite to do anything less.

To Gather a Thousand Shards

2007-07-09T23:28:00.001-05:00

Would it be worth collecting the pieces,
to gather a thousand separate shards,
and put the pieces back together,
from a shuffled deck of random cards.

Or would it simply be much easier,
to find another intact mirror,
and look deeply into its surface,
into reflections so much clearer.

I never wanted to let you go,
but the glass is already shattered,
I'd like one chance to hold and see you,
through memories broken and scattered.

Love and the Great Divide

2007-07-08T13:19:00.000-05:00

There are three inevitable facts that people eventually come to accept. In no particular order, the first realization is that no matter how much we place emphasis on a particular faith or religion, the truth will always be just outside our grasp. The next issue we grapple with is what I call the one of "ultimate purpose." We constantly evolve and change as people, and throughout our lives we are faced with many dreams that may or may not eventually come to fruitation. However, the true purpose of our life is something that we are ultimately forced to create ourselves. In some more global fashion, perhaps there is a divine plan for everything. Just as plausible is complete randomness and chaos from which we are forced to create order and purpose. The third great mystery in our lives is what I want to focus on in this blog entry -- that of love.

If you are at least in your mid-20's, you have probably been in love at least a few times in your life. Although each relationship was special in their own unique ways, the undercurrents of love that propel our emotions, desires, passion and dreams have always been with us. We are social creatures, and one of the last great goals for any person is to find another so that they can share a lifetime of experiences. It would be this "someone" that, for better or for worse, we would learn to grow with and embrace through both the best and worst moments in life. That special someone would always be by your side long after the Oxytocin had receded and the extra dopamine had dried up.

However, there is this one small point I'd like to make about love and relationships that is crucial to understanding human nature. This simple point is that, no matter how close we get to another person in our lives, there will always be some sort of divide between people. There will always be some form of separation that keeps two souls just close enough to orbit each other but far enough to keep them from truly understanding one another.

We make a lot of assumptions about love. If you ask a thousand people if they want to be in love, you would be hard pressed to find one that said no and truly meant it. However, you would probably get a lot of people to deny that they require or want to be in love -- but then again, there is probably some residual pain that lingers from a past relationship where they were betrayed in some way. What about these assumptions? Well, we put our faith and hearts into love with the understanding that the person we share a relationship with will act in good faith and return our affections. We assume that the love we share will be cemented in honesty, respect and compassion. We would never allow ourselves to enter a relationship that was superficially rewarding but cloaked in deceit, ill-will and false intentions.

A lot of psychology books will lead many to believe that love is merely the result of our own internal chemicals. That the "relationship hopping" that many take part in is due solely to the rewarding rush of chemicals that are released within the brain. The entire process of falling in love and eventually breaking up isn't so far different than the rewards of drinking alcohol one night and suffering the horrible hangover the next morning. Of course, as any weekend partier knows, the best cure for a hangover is more alcohol -- thus, more love piled upon a heap of failed relationships only serves to dampen our own soul.

I personally do not believe that love is merely a chemical reaction within the brain. One of my most rewarding and heart-felt relationships was with a woman I only met once. Obviously there were chemicals involved at first, but something in my heart wanted to always love her on a deeper and more philosophical level. I do believe humans are a bit more than the sum of their parts. Despite all the chemicals, neuron configuration and repeated axon firing, we possess something that transcends just the physical.

Everyone wants to love yet nobody wants to cry. We live every day of our lives assuming that the car we drive won't be involved in an accident. What a beautiful life to be able to waltz from one day to the next while bathing in rewards without ever encountering risks. Yet love is serious business. I would argue that apart from the fear of death, the fear of losing love is the greatest fear of all. There will be times in everyone's life when someone they love will die -- perhaps unexpectedly. Sometimes we don't get that last chance to say, "goodbye, I love you." That is a pain that can really string for a very long time.

Some people are complex individuals. Loving them can sometimes be a tough thing to do because that great divide always keeps us just far enough away that we can not always understand exactly what they are thinking or what they need. Communication is not always an easy thing when two hearts are heavy and there seems to be so much at stake. The anxiety of watching a love unravel before your very eyes is enough to cause us to sabotage our own ambitions and desire to keep that love strong.

My best friend is getting married in August. I am very excited and proud of him because he has met a great woman and they appear to have a strong and stable relationship. Some people seem to be blessed with the ability to understand the intricacies of love and adapt to problems that occur in a relationship quickly. He jokes with me that I will be next, but I would have to just smile at him.

The story of my life has always been one of a vast collection of rich experiences -- a moment here or there that reminded me of the beauty of love. I have spent much of my life tasting a thousand different variations of life but I have never been willing to fully embrace just one. Whether it was that special 10 minutes outside making out with a beautiful woman against the side of my car or those three hours spent with a lovely woman in a casino in Vegas, I have never been able to fully invest in a long-term relationship. That is not entirely true, actually. My relationships have always been complex because I am a very complex person.

The hardest part of my experience in life has been learning to let go of the past. I know come August 3 during the rehearsals, I'll be looking down that isle imagining many different things. "What would my life have been like had I walked down that isle with Sara, Lynnea, Leigh, Meredith, Stephanie, etc.?" Sadly, a few of the women I have been with have gone on to marry someone only to end up extremely unhappy. I would not wish that sort of pain and entrapment on anyone.

Perhaps I am destined to spend the rest of my life scratching the water's surface of a million different things but never diving into any of them. Perhaps once the train door closes and I can no longer see her, that was the full extent of what I was supposed to get from that moment? It doesn't matter -- a train door, a hotel door, an elevator closing. It is just my heart on two sides of a great divide trying to play dual-roles by filling in for the woman I left behind one too many times.

Love -- what a great and beautiful thing. The potential hangover is definitely worth another toast to future possibilities.

Losing Weight

2007-07-07T17:29:00.000-05:00

Some of the most complex questions in our life have the most simple answers. The problem, of course, is our own mind. We set ourselves into habits that become detrimental to our goals. For instance, I recently got fitted for a Tuxedo for my friend's wedding in early August. I realized at that moment that I was probably a good 20-25 pounds overweight. Now for a guy who is almost 6' 4", that amount of weight doesn't really show as being "fat" by any stretch of the imagination.

However, I can see some of that extra fat in my face. The ironboard stomach that I had in my mid-20's is gone -- replaced with, dare I say, the very first attempt at a beginning beer belly. While standing naked in front of the mirror, I couldn't see myself as overweight. Our mind plays weird tricks on us, though. I went back to some of the pictures in my mid-20's and could definitely see a difference.

So I did it. I thought, "fuck this, I'm going to look better than I was at the height of my 20's" and proceeded to drive to the gym where I ran hard. After burning up a few hundred calories, I jumped on the elliptical and burned up a few hundred more. No more beer for me, either -- just occasional Gin and tonics and a glass of wine. Sodas are completely out the window. Diet sodas are nothing more than liquid loaded with all kinds of chemicals so they're out, too. That leaves water -- or some flavored water with Splenda.

My goal is to go from 228 down to 190. Most weight-loss programs insist that a person can safely lose two pounds of weight a week, so I'm going to shoot for between 3 and 4. My goal is to burn 100,000 calories from exercise alone in two months. That's 60 days to burn off 100,000 calories, or 1,600 calories a day. I obviously can't do that in one work out session -- I'm just not that good yet. So, I'll split it into two sessions -- one 800 calorie burner in a 90 minute session in the morning and another 90 minute session after work. Burning 800 calories in 90 minutes will be a challenge, but I do like challenges.

The real issue will be the mental ones. We live in a culture of consumption. Every where I turn, I'm presented with glorious pictures of delicious pizza, sizzling steaks and mouth-watering snacks -- shit like girl scout thin-mints, slim jims, Fritos, etc. One of the hardest temptations is ignoring when your stomach is craving food. It is just so easy to cave in with the thought, "just this once, and THEN I'll be good." Yeah right, that never happens. Every time is the last time and the new beginning is always your next meal.

Another problem with the United States compared to other European countries is the proportion of food you get. I was amazed to find out while in Amsterdam that a large orange juice with your breakfast is around 4 ounces. When I asked for something larger, the expression of the waiter's face made me hear in my mind, in a heavy dutch accent, "You fat fucking Americans!"

If you go to a restaurant and order dinner, they'll bring out the largest plates with 16 oz. T-bones and enough mashed potatoes to feed a small African Village. If I enjoy two beers with that steak dinner, I'm already well past 1,500 calories. To put that in perspective, I've just consumed enough caloric energy to run a television for the evening.

So yeah, I'm going to lose 30 pounds in the next three months -- probably a lot sooner, though. When I take the gym seriously, I tear the shit out of the machines because I love the feeling of sweating all over myself and feeling like a testosterone filled man-beast. I don't want to get ripped -- just a nice Greek physique. I'm so sick of all these ads getting shoved in my face, though. America -- the Kingdom of careless consumption.

A Feral Heart

2007-07-03T22:23:00.000-05:00

Noteworthy advice I've discovered:

Never say to a woman in drunkeness things you wouldn't say sober.

Silence is not a very good form of communication.

Running away from problems only makes the eventual confrontation that much more painful. Run towards your problems -- once they realize you're insane they'll quickly turn into solutions.

Things said in jest come from elements of truth.

There is one underlying cosmic principle that most seem to forget. The present -- the current experience. Everything behind is irrelevent and everything in front is infinite, the only thing we should concentrate on embracing is the moment we're in -- the here and now.

Life is about dealing with highs and lows. Just remember that some people's highs are lower than other people's lows. Likewise, some people's lows are higher than other people's highs. So if you find yourself really high, pass it to the left.

If God wanted the world to know he existed, he would have created one.

Don't randomly mix chemicals in Chem 413 hoping you accidently stumble on that "green gooey glowing" mixture. Don't urinate on electric fences. Don't try and steal copper from a live transformer. Don't piss women off.

Do not spend time in regrets wishing you could go back and change things but learn to never repeat past mistakes in your future.

Love is the most beautiful thing in life worth divorcing for.

Ultimately, all the work and money in the world will never buy you the things that fill your soul with the most happiness -- like a sincere kiss.

Life can be brutal but treating it as a learning experience and not as a performance evaluation softens the blow.

My eulogy will be short. "He was the type of guy who would dance on mountain tops holding a 20 foot metal pole screaming at God while a storm quickly approached. Here lies his response."

I run from the back of an airplane to the front because I want to fly faster than everyone else.

A belief in love requires a belief in yourself. How can one begin to love another if they don't believe they are worthy of love?

Everything you do in life brings you closer to one of two people. Who you want to be or who others want you to become.

If your life becomes a jumbled mess, draw a line in time and tell yourself this is who I was and this is who I will be and keep on the right side of the line.

Don't fear death. Dead people don't pay bills, break-up or divorce, go to work each day or experience anxiety. The real travesty is fearing life.

Nobody can see you cry in the rain.

The next time you have to put up with airport security checkpoint, slip a fake grenade in the guy's luggage behind you and have your camera ready once you get through.

What good would going back in time to fix a mistake be since you would only make it again.

What good is wanting to know the future since such knowledge would only imprison you in the present.

An hour ago I was anxiously thinking of the hour ahead. Now I'm wondering why I bothered to get myself all worked up since both are now past.

A physics friend once told me that quantum theory allowed for trillions of alternate worlds where anything is possible. If this is true, every time I lose I just remind myself that I won in some other world. I can prove via quantum statistics that I have indeed had sex with every beautiful woman in the world. Unfortunately, if the theory holds, I've done some other things that we shouldn't talk about.

Dealing with Sexual Harrassment in the Workplace

2007-06-03T21:23:00.000-05:00

A Case for an Ass-Grinding Good Time

2007-06-03T13:35:00.000-05:00

In a recent study by some institute with way too much time on its hands, 84% of women surveyed in a unique social experiment admitted that they have met guys in clubs and initiated conversation with them after an episode of ass-grinding. Now I will admit that I have done this "ass-grinding" ritual way too many times in my life. It is a great way to say "hi" to a woman in a very unique and direct way, but this method is not without its problems.

I can recall one occasion that this approach went downhill fast. After drinking way too many beers, downing shots of Jager and sipping Captain and cokes, I proceeded to walk over to the DJ to request some great ass-grinding tunes -- Songs like "Jump Jump " by Kriss Kross don't lend themselves very well to affectionate ass-grinding. I then drunkenly made my way over to the dance floor and immediately made my presence known by pumping my hands back and forth while rotating my hips like a blender on the Frappe setting. I can't really dance, but I've learned that pretending to be on fire is a good way to dance to any song. The plan was simple -- to find a nice central area on the dance floor and wait patiently for a hot chick to back into me.

Well, in this particular circumstance, my patience was quickly rewarded -- I felt someone's ass against mind and immediately went into my gyroscoping grind mode. Unfortunately, I was too drunk to be bothered in finding out with whom I was grinding. After about a minute of ass-grinding when I felt the denim in my jeans ready to catch fire, I turned to see what hot chick I had snatched this particular time. To my extreme horror, it was then that I realized I had been grinding a GUY'S ass. Without haste, I ran off the dance floor and to the nearest brick wall and rubbed my ass against it to get rid of that guy's leftover ass-grinding particles. What can I say, drunk logic is a special and unique type of logic.

However, most of the time I scope out the girl before I begin the ritualistic drunken ass-grinding ceremony. Generally, it is hit or miss. I've had girls rub their ass so hard into mine that the force literally threw me into the breasts of the girl in front of me, which is never a good way to say, "hi." On the other extreme, I have witnessed girls running frantically away at the slightest touch of my ass. Hey, their loss. I'm a professional ass-grinding champion.

Another institute did another study that showed women are more likely to dance with a guy if the guy touches her arm before asking her to dance. That is actually rather interesting, because I always suspected tactile communication helped in setting up a "baseline" of sorts for maintaining an adequate comfort-level. They did not specify what kind of "touch" was used in the study. Probably just a gentle 3-5 second grasp of their lower arm while smiling at her. In the study, when the guy used a touch, he got 65% of the girls to dance with him compared to only 43% that were not touched. I wonder what percentage he would have convinced had he merely grabbed her ass with an authoritative squeeze and said, "you and me, dance, now."

Colorado Here I Come!

2007-06-01T20:27:00.000-05:00

White Water Rafting Level V Baby! Oh shit. Thank god my life insurance got pushed up a lot!

THE ROYAL GORGE

Aaron what have you gotten me into now! :)

Rafting on Friday and ATV's through the mountains on Saturday at 10,000 FEET? This isn't a Bachelor party or a vacation -- this is HARD ASS WORK!

Oh boy ... Colorado get ready for Kramer!

Women in Art throughout the Past 500 Years

2007-05-30T19:58:00.000-05:00

Nice little video ...

Beethoven's Piano Sonata No. 14

2007-05-29T23:38:00.000-05:00

As I sit listening to three different compositions of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata while trying to ascertain which composition invokes the most sincere emotions, I find myself falling deeper into the notes themselves. When I close my eyes, I see many things begin to take place.

First, there is the darkness that rushes to fill what was left of my vision. With my eyes kept shut, I look into the blackness and reach out with my soul to find something. I know from deep within my own heart, that "something" I am searching for is love. My idealistic view of the world impresses upon me each day that love is the strongest emotion. I could work hard and make millions of dollars, purchase a large house and drive exotic cars but a type of gripping emptiness would still rest deep within me.

That emptiness is a hole -- a large gapping hole that sits dead center within my chest. The edges of that hole are formed by the many thousands of memories of happy moments shared with women in my past. With my eyes still firmly shut, I concentrate on each note that Beethoven placed in this amazing Sonata. The music resonates with my soul, yet with each piano key that is struck, I feel that hole vibrate. I have so much love and compassion within yet it sits idle as just a ridge around so many distant memories of the trials and tribulations that being in love has given to me.

I look out across this great blackness and realize that my heart is littered with the remnants of hundreds of mistakes made by love. I look into the eyes of years past and ask myself if turning left would have been a better choice than turning right at some distant split in the great path of life. Although I had traversed the road I thought was best, I find myself ever curious of those paths never taken.

And with each new piano key that is softly played, I feel the salty tears begin to form in the corner of my eyes. If I press my eyes shut any harder, I know they will begin to slide down my face. There is so much beauty in the world and so little time to experience it. There are too many roads in which to explore and only one chance to choose between two. Yet these forks in life do not occur once or twice, but over and over again.

Yet, there is that voice -- that soft whisper. It is an echo that amplifies itself from the desire to love and to be loved. It is that great omnipotent and all powerful basic necessity of humanity. That word is love, and it carries itself through the sound of every note played in music and through each stroke of color painted on every canvas. It is sprinkled across every memory left by two hearts intersecting when two become one -- at least for a little while -- in this vast journey through the crazy adventures we call life.

To love but one night, to kiss but then never reunite -- it leaves an ineffable tear of sweet sorrow that rests itself on a small crack within an otherwise unbreakable heart. Had I only kissed her 23 times, half of my regret would be not finding the chance to kiss her a 24th. The other half would be not kissing her still once more.

Time and Space

2007-05-27T13:13:00.000-05:00

There is a remarkable difference between space and time. With space, I can drop something and go back and find it. I can both touch and smell it with the realization that it hasn't gone anywhere. If I drop something in time, I can not go back and retrieve it. Its like tossing a bottle into a raging river that carries it away for good. Time acts like that raging river. I have made mistakes in life -- very large ones. Those mistakes get carried away by those raging rivers and make it impossible for me to retrieve them and change them.

Why do so many people appreciate and love old things -- stuff like old houses, old walls, old buildings, old pictures, etc.? Quite simply, those things bridge the gap back into our past. While our grandparents and then parents will eventually die, the houses we grew up in and the buildings in our old neighborhood usually remain a little while longer. Nothing can replace people or relationships, though. If we make the mistake of letting someone significant in our lives slip into our past, we have to live with that painful lesson throughout our entire lives. There will inevitably be moments where one will ask, "Could it have worked out if I had turned right instead of left (metaphorically)? Should I have done this instead of that?"

We make decisions in our lives based on the person we are at that moment, but we constantly grow as a person from making a series of mistakes. It is, in all respects, the ultimate catch 22 -- for if we could go back in time and not make those same mistakes, we could continue with whatever relationship we let go to past *BUT* the fact that we DID make those mistakes allowed us to grow as a person and perhaps see in more detail the ignorance of our past indiscretions. In short, we would be judging the past from a frame of mind that was created by making such mistakes to begin with.

The reason hindsight is ultimately 20/20 is due to the fact that, without the benefit of making mistakes, we would be virtually blind since our birth. How both ironic and painful it is that we must grow in this way -- this is without a doubt one of life's most difficult lessons.

However, there is an interesting mind experiment worth trying. Let's say you are in your 20's or 30's. You still have over half of your life left to live. I want you to imagine yourself as an 80 year old man or woman laying in bed approaching death. Imagine looking back at your life and wishing you could go back to change something you did perhaps a year from now. Now, suddenly you find yourself here again and reading this blog.

It looks as though your wish has been fulfilled! That said, are you going to continue to make the same mistakes you have been making? Are you going to diddle-daddy your life away? You were so close to death and yet you REALLY wanted this second chance and now you have it! After that little mind experiment, do you feel just a little more energetic about life and paying more attention to your actions and how they affect people?

Imagine this before you go:

The things you do today affect the future of humanity in ways you cannot understand, even well after your death. The love you give and the experiences you share with others form a type of temporal echo that spread throughout the future like ripples in a great pond. Do you want to take the opportunity that you have been given to drop a pebble into the pond or do you want to let loose and do a cannonball run into it?

The choice is yours -- it's only life, right?

Can Love and Life's Purpose be Rationalized?

2007-05-23T19:42:00.000-05:00

I was going through my bookshelf the other day and found a book I had purchased as a teenager entitled, "Six Centuries of Great Poetry." I racked my brain trying to remember why on earth I would have bought such a book back then, but the only rational explanation I could come up with was that it was a necessary book for one of my English classes in high-school.

In any event, I decided to reread some of the centuries old poems in this book while taking a nice, hot bath. I never really found poetry all that exciting in high-school. Most likely, I just didn't possess enough life experiences to understand or appreciate it. However, when I opened the book and began reading, I found myself internally saying, "yeah! I know that feeling! I know what it feels like to love and experience loss -- yes, it really is better than never loving at all."

Or is it?

One of the most important aspects of living and probably our most quintessential desire is that of love. For better or for worse, love forces us to grow up and experience aspects of ourselves we might not initially care to realize. If we are hungry, we eat. If we don't eat, we starve. Love, in a more abstract way, is much like this. We require love -- to be loved and to share our love in order to grow and learn. We may not die without love, but we most certainly will perish on the inside.

But what about this whole "loving and losing is better than never having loved at all?" Well, on one hand the act of experiencing love in any number of its various facades is a most rewarding experience. It truly brings us closer to ourselves/god/purpose/etc. However, losing a love is always painful -- especially considering every love we experience is unique and special. I do believe that when we choose to love another and that love fails, a piece of us goes with the other and vice-versa. In essence, a piece of our essence is ripped from our "spirit" and sent along with the other. Think of this -- do you think you are a different person after having shared in a love with someone than you were before you loved them?

I'm about to drop some poetry, so I'll be very impressed and proud if you choose to continue reading. The first poem is by Robert Herrick and is entitled, "Proof to No Purpose."

YOU see this gentle stream that glides,
Shov'd on, by quick succeeding tides ;
Try if this sober stream you can
Follow to th' wilder ocean,
And see if there it keeps unspent
In that congesting element.
Next, from that world of waters, then
By pores and caverns back again
Induct that inadult'rate same
Stream to the spring from whence it came.
This with a wonder when ye do,
As easy, and else easier too,
Then may ye recollect the grains
Of my particular remains,
After a thousand lusters hurl'd,
By ruffling winds about the world.

This poem deals with life and its lack of apparent purpose. Hell, even the title of the poem could serve as a pretty big clue. He is comparing life to that of a stream of water that ends up returning to the ocean, only to repeat the cycle ad infinitum. This, of course, is far easier than picking up his remains and "throwing them into the air" and coming out with the same person that has perished. Life has no meaning because, in the end, we're all going to end up grains of sand or as the group Kansas so eloquently put it, "Dust in the Wind."

The second poet I will recite was born in the same year that Herrick met his great ocean -- 1674. Isaac Watts writes about life's purpose in a subtly different way in his poem, "Horace Paraphrased."

THERE are a number of us creep
Into this world to eat and sleep,
And know no reason why they're born
But merely to consume the corn,
Devour the cattle, fowl and fish,
And leave behind an empty dish.
The crows and ravens do the same,
Unlucky birds of hateful name;
Ravens or crows might fill their place,
And swallow corn and carcases.
Then if their toombstone when they die
Ben't taught to flatter and to lie,
There's nothing better will be said
Than that "They've up and eat all their bread,
Drank up their dring and gone to bed.

This poem is markedly more dismal in my opinion than Herrick's. Perhaps it's due to the fact that he's comparing my purpose to that of a crow. No matter how enriched I think my life becomes or how noble my goals, I am still fulfilling the same programmed needs that a crow or raven does through their life. While Herrick simply questions purpose, Watts seems to shit all over it.

But that's just fine, because I'll skip ahead to a few poems on love that leave me feeling warm and, well, purposeful. No "old school" poet brings out the best of love's emotions quite like Lord Byron. Take for instance his poem, "When we Two Parted."

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow--
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shrudder comes o'er me--
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee so well--
Long, long I shall rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met--
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?--
With silence and tears.

Wow, that really gets you right in the heart, doesn't it? I don't think this poem really needs explanation -- we've all been there. He's writing specifically about the whole "better to have loved and lost" thing.

Until next time ...

Ps: Do you have a favorite poem?

Pictures -- Moments frozen in time

2007-05-20T14:20:00.000-05:00

Scavenging through old pictures has always been a hobby of mine. One of the most fascinating aspects of looking at old pictures is the realization that you are looking at a moment captured in time. Thoughts and emotions are captured and frozen in time -- always there to remind us of some former girlfriend, lover or friend.

[Picture Missing from Imageshack]

I took this picture while in New York City. This is the Chelsea Market located in none other than Chelsea. I don't know the person in this picture, but I'm fascinated to know what thoughts she was thinking at the time the picture was taken. Was that her boyfriend or brother with her? If it was her boyfriend, did they just start dating or have they been dating for a long time? Is she mad at him? Is he mad at her? Where are they going? Why are they there? Where were they doing before they got there? Are they still together?

Even the mood of a picture can be shifted by changing the hue, contrast and focus. There are certain feelings a high-contrast black and white picture can make us experience that a color photograph could not.

One of the coolest things I've always wanted to be able to do is step inside a picture and walk around and see things as they were frozen in time. It would be amazing to look at old photographs from the 1800's and be able to suddenly step through the picture and see everything in vivid color.

Pictures are amazing.

Here is an example of how mood can change. Just for the record, I am not a professional photographer. I photograph, edit and create art strictly as a hobby.

This first picture is one that I took while looking out of a toy store in New York City.

As you can see, it is just a simple picture of some ever present taxis. I edited this picture to give it a more "Hollywood feature film" look. Notice how the mood is remarkably different compared to the previous picture.

I altered the field of depth to place emphasis on one particular taxi. The people on the streets are now more blurry and distant. The overall feel of the picture is enhanced by the light blue and cyan overcast.

Here is a picture I took in London by putting my camera on a traffic box and leaving the shutter open for a few seconds. Notice the traffic is just a blur and most people are walking trails of light save for the one lady who was staring at me probably wondering just what the hell I was up to.

Dreams and God

2007-05-19T14:29:00.000-05:00

I have asked my friends in the past if they have very realistic dreams. Some of my friends said they only dream in black and white while a few say they don't remember their dreams. One actually says he doesn't dream at all. I find it hard to believe that anyone can go through life without ever having a dream, though. As for me, my dreams are often as real and vivid as real life. There have been more than one occasion where I have awoken from a dream unable to tell that I had just been dreaming. It took awhile for me to clear out the emotions and images from the dream and accept it was just a dream.

There are many different interpretations of dreams. Some psychologists believe that dreams are nothing more than the brain reorganizing its own experiences from the previous day in an attempt to file those away into permanent storage. This would explain why some dreams are very random in nature. Another interpretation of why we dream would include the need for the brain to sort through many subconscious thoughts and process them in order to deal with those built up images and internal beliefs. Many of my dreams have also shown examples of this -- where I will dream of something that night that I had been thinking about on a deeper level throughout the day.

Another more esoteric interpretation of dreams is that they are created partly from a supernatural nature. There are cases where one dreams of something that foreshadows what will occur that day or possibly an event that will occur in the near future. I have had probably a dozen or so dreams in my life that fell into this more "paranormal" realm.

I'd like to expand on the previous interpretation of dreams as supernatural in nature. Out of all the dreams I've had, the ones that were foreshadowing in my life were also very much different from my typical dreams. Most of the time, my dreams are broken up into distorted images and strange emotions. They follow a more "Freudian" interpretation. However, I've had reoccurring dreams that basically gave me the same message over and over. One set of dreams happened at least 5 or 6 times and foreshadowed an event that took place over a year later. This could have been mere coincidence but it was fascinating nonetheless.

Out of all the dreams I've had, there was one that stuck out as truly significant and life-transforming. It started out as a lucid-dream. A lucid-dream is a dream in which you are fully aware that you are dreaming and you are capable of interacting with your dream elements in such a way as to remember vividly what occurs inside that lucid-dream. This particular lucid-dream began with me standing on top of a large mountain that was surrounded by large fields in all directions. When I have lucid-dreams (about once every couple of months), the first thing I try to do it fly in my dreams. In this particular dream, I started to run down the mountain and then jumped up and thought, "fly! fly! fly!" I began to sore across the mountain's side towards the field. It was an exhilarating and intense feeling. Unfortunately, I was not able to stay in the air and began to fall. I hit the side of the mountain and skidded down a large slope and ended up at the base of the mountain next to a large cave.

Unfortunately, when I get hurt in a lucid-dream, I can actually feel the pain. I stood up, still in pain from falling, and brushed the dirt off of my clothes. I looked over and remember seeing the cave and how dark it was inside. I felt compelled to explore the cave to find out what was inside of it. I began to walk over to the entrance of the cave. I stood at the entrance and felt a cool wind being sucked into the cave. I walked inside the cave and began to feel dizzy. Suddenly, I heard a voice call from within the cave. A light appeared, dim at first but slowly growing in brightness, deep inside the cave. I called out, "who are you," and proceeded to walk deeper into the cave. A few moments later a voice called out and said, "I am." "Great," I thought -- "you are ... what?"

I'm not exactly sure what took place at that moment. Somehow I was instantly wrapped inside an extremely bright light of blinding intensity. I felt the air literally get punched right out of my chest. I felt my own thoughts getting absorbed into the air. What happened next is nothing less than a truly religious moment. Somehow, I was able to feel a type of love that was infinite in nature. For around ten seconds, I was able to feel every thought, see every image, hear every sound, experience every emotion and relive every moment that every living thing has ever experienced. I was quite simply overwhelmed in such a way that I literally felt my soul begin to burn with the intensity of every star within a large galaxy. I fell to my knees as my hands hit the soft dirt. I felt like crying in a way that I have never cried in my life. I simply could not take the huge amount of information that was being pushed into my soul.

I remember waking up from that lucid-dream literally in tears while shaking. I spent a good hour laying in my bed trying to absorb some meaning from that dream. Any dream that commands such emotion deserves a bit of analysis.

Moving on, I can honestly say there have been a few times in my life that I have felt the presence of a god -- that dream was one of them. It happened once while I was a little kid, too. It happened again when I had a near overdose as a young adult while going through my rebellious phase. I have felt a source of strength fill up inside of me when my father has a heart-attack and I had to be the man of the family until he got better. It is a scary feeling wondering if you are actually looking at your father for the last time before they move him to surgery.

I was always very close to my grandmother growing up. I've lost both my grandfather's but it is a different experience being next to a woman when she dies. Both of my grandfather's served in prior wars -- World War II and the Korean War. They lived long lives and were very honorable and honest men. I was sad when I saw each of them for the last time while they were laying in a hospital bed close to death. I knew in both situations that once I left the room, they would die within a few hours. Both did.

However, dealing with the death of my grandmother was much different. She was always a beautiful woman -- always there to bring the family together when people were arguing or squabbling with each other. She had a series of strokes in her final days that left her basically in a coma. When I went to visit her on this one particular evening, she looked very close to death. It took me about a half an hour to compose myself in the bathroom so I was strong enough to sit at her bedside and talk to her without being blinded by tears.

If you have never experienced being at someone's bedside while they approached death, there really is no experience quite like it in our lives. It is a moment of such emotional intensity that one literally pushes aside all the bullshit about religion, philosophical debates, etc. The very clear and real realization that I had on that particular night was that there are indeed forces, spirits and other unknown things within this universe that science simply cannot explain.

I remember holding her hand for awhile while talking to her. Her hand was cold and bloated from the blood pooling inside of it while her heart began to fail. When you talk to someone who is near death and unresponsive, they cannot necessarily hear you, but I do believe they can understand you on a deeper spiritual level. It is vitally important to tell them that you love them, that you loved knowing them and enjoyed all the happy memories growing up together. Then it comes time to tell them that it's alright to stop fighting and to allow themselves to pass on. A lot of times people in that situation will fight to stay alive for another loved one or simply out of regret from leaving those that they love.

In any event, I was filled with very peaceful emotions while sitting beside her. I half crawled into the bed with her to hug her before leaving. Amazingly, at some point I left feeling happy for her rather than sad.

I've had too many experiences in my life to deny the existence of a God or a greater purpose to the universe. In some respects, I find it to be a blessing to be able to understand such things in this life. On the other hand, it also become a huge burden as others will often doubt you or try to argue with you that those experiences are not real or that they are delusional.

That's it for now.

Love is Saccharine

2007-05-16T22:27:00.000-05:00

Through the indelible memories burned from the soft light seeping through the crack in the door, I slowly felt her face rub gently against mine as I whispered the immensity of feelings within my heart.

Her love was saccharine -- a delicious type of somnolent sweetness engulfed within a bitter metallic aftertaste of indifference. I took solace in her incertitude, though.

I woke up alone the next morning. I spent an hour staring at the ceiling while wondering if she would remember me. I noticed that when one stares at anything long enough, it begins to fade into a hazy monochromatic fog. Is it symbolic of the heart? In that, if the heart were to love for too long or too passionately, would the feelings melt into a messy painful sludge of spent emotions? I closed my eyes and allowed myself to relive the memories once more. I saw her outline as the bedroom door slowly swung open. She came in and smiled at me and kissed my cheek. The air froze as time slowed itself to a careful and gentle pace.

"Do you still love me," I asked her.

"I do," she replied.

I whispered that I loved her, too.

"I know baby," she said while slowly disappearing.

Love is saccharine.

More Posh Craziness ...

2007-05-14T02:41:00.001-05:00

Wow, I've seen some crazy shit in my time but this is just exceedingly funny in a really weird sort of way ...

How Cool! A POSH EMO!

2007-05-14T02:34:00.000-05:00

Today I was browsing some YouTube videos and came across this gem -- a Posh Emo! How very cool!

He reminds me of this waiter ...

My Best Friend got an Extraterrestrial Anal Probing

2007-05-12T11:04:00.000-05:00

One of my best friends in Vancouver, BC was resting the other night when he felt a "strong electrical energy" shoot through his body. After he came through, he had a strong desire to go over to the window. When he pulled up the blinds, he saw a large faced skinny grey creature with big black insect like eyes. The creature stared at him for half a second and then just "dematerialized."

He was traumatized enough where he couldn't go back to sleep, so I talked to him for a little while since I am no stranger to aliens. I've had "visitations" as a kid from this little being called "Lala."

Unfortunately, he couldn't really talk about it for too long because he was freaking out, but that didn't stop him from heading over to Youtube to catch a glimpse of that scene from "Fire in the Sky" when the guy got abducted.

Well, "Greys" don't really do that sort of thing. They're not responsible for the crop circles or the cow mutilations. The cow mutilations can be blamed on the Reptilians, which are the worst kind of aliens to run into.

Buddy, look forward to a life-long series of these visitations. They don't just visit someone once -- especially someone in Vancouver. Luckily for you, with the price of gas approaching $4.00 a gallon, even aliens have to cut back on the number of visitations.

Good luck! Don't drop the soap in the shower!

Reaching out Beyond our Worldview

2007-05-10T17:53:00.000-05:00

When I think of the amount of traveling I've done in my life, I know that number is at least 500,000 miles. That's enough to travel around the Earth at the equator over 20 times. I hope I am able to quadruple that number before it is time for me to check out.

There was a fascinating video created in the 70's called "Powers of 10." The video showed, with great effects, just how many different magnitudes exist in our universe. I stumbled upon this remake on Youtube today and want to share it with you.

Although the video does not explore the microscopic realm, it does a great job in demonstrating just how small we are within the universe. It blows my mind to think that saying "I love you" to someone in a small 10 by 10 room has such an infinitesimal effect on the universe but such a large effect on the people within the room.

I also came across this video that shows how small our planet and home star are compared to Red Supergiants (the largest stars known within the observable universe).

Here's that video:

Ramblings of Being a Man

2007-05-09T16:59:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure what direction this blog entry will take -- I only know that it will take on many tangents in the process of finding some ultimate direction. The first thing I want to write about as a man is something called "the past." As I get older, I realize that there is something very precious that I leave behind. These things are experiences and moments that I shared with various women. I've dated quite a few females in my life and have had sex with many beautiful women. When I was younger, having sex with a hot chick was always the ultimate destination. I'm probably one of the most sexual guys I know (and since most men love sex, that's saying quite a bit). However, I have lost something very special during the process of searching for ever greater and more amazing pieces of ass.

During my quest to discover myself sexually and to discover women on a more sexual level, I neglected to appreciate and realize many of the most beautiful aspects of being with a woman. It brings me no joy in admitting that I was insecure growing up. I was told by many women that I was very attractive and held a lot of charisma. Being with a hot woman served as validation for me because I knew that part of being successful was dating an attractive and fun woman. Even though most beautiful women are generally high-maintenance, that is a small price for a man to pay when one considers all of the rewards of dating a sexy woman.

Apart from being a sexual being, I consider myself to be a very emotional and artistic guy -- but I never really allow my emotions to show on the surface. Secretly, although I had always desired the company of a woman, I held very deep seeded anxiety towards them that bordered on hatred. To put it simply, I never really "trusted" a woman -- I viewed them as callous, flighty and fickle. I struggled with this throughout much of my 20's until one day I realized that it was my own thinking that was wrong and delusional.

On my deepest level, I care immensely for any woman that has come into my life and shared something precious with me. Through all of my dating and through all of the wild parties I've had, there are only a couple of women that I've known in my life that I would do anything for. Ironically, one of them is a woman I've only met once (for a few hours). Even though she lives thousands of miles away, I know in my heart that if she were to call me today (even though we don't talk anymore), I wouldn't hesitate to fly out and give her anything -- my love, money, my hand in marriage, my soul -- anything. I told her once that I would always love her and do so unconditionally. After seeing how quickly life can be taken away from me, I made the startling realization that a part of being human -- a part of living the life we live on this planet -- is to discover what it means to give your unconditional love to another person.

I could very well go through the rest of my life without ever getting another chance to see her or speak to her, but luckily with the benefit of maturity, I was able to understand just how powerful love is in tandem with happy memories. Love transcends a lot of the superficial aspects of life. If you allow it, love will seep deep within your soul and permeate throughout your existence and show you that the most important thing we can give another person in this world is love -- unbridled passion and unreserved compassion.

I do think that hot sex is always enjoyable and exciting. There is nothing more tantalizing than pushing a girl up against the edge of the bar while looking deep into her eyes and telling her through mere body language that you will ravage her that night. Body language is a powerful and exciting thing to use in the game of romance. Excursions through lust always begin with playful domination and suggestive submissiveness. However, even sex with a supermodel grows old after time -- yet love triumphs over lust to last through eternity if one allows it.

The problem for me, though, is allowing love to embrace my heart. I believe many men are more inclined to assume the role of a hunter and to "conquer" women. As a hunter, the mere thought of having something like love "conquer" me is very scary. No man wants to give up control to his emotions -- especially one as powerful as love.

In closing, if I could redo anything from my past, I would convince myself that women aren't the evil, conniving and manipulative people that I once thought they were. I would have been more open with my internal feelings and would have learned to say, "I love you," more freely without worrying about the repercussions of losing my manhood by expressing my emotions. Sadly, my old way of thinking forced me to believe that expressing emotions such as love was a sign of weakness. In reality, expressing love and embracing the emotions that accompany love is a sign of strength and courage. I lost a lot of good relationships in my past because I was too much of a coward to confront aspects of love that I once viewed as frightening.

However, even with failed relationships, we take something along with us through our future ones. With every relationship we share with another human being, we learn about aspects of ourselves that help us to grow as a person. Some people choose early within their life to stop exploring the wonders of love and the adventures that come with giving a large piece of yourself to another.

Love comes with a huge amount of risk. That risk is allowing ourselves to become vulnerable and opening ourselves to a lot of painful moments when the person we love does something to shake and rattle the foundation of our beliefs. In the end, though, love should always be viewed as the most necessary and exciting risk we'll ever take. Money lost can be earned again. Material possessions can be replaced. Love, however, is the one thing that can fill us with immense amounts of happiness -- IF WE BELIEVE IN IT AND OPEN OUR HEARTS TO INFINITY.

I could list off a bunch of names and a simple "I'm sorry" for being such a cowardly prick in my past -- but the lessons learned are invaluable. At some point, a man must learn how to be a real man. The key is by embracing the heart of a woman without fear.

Feeding the Homeless

2007-05-06T01:36:00.000-05:00

Tonight was an exciting night. I went out to Baltimore and hit a few bars and clubs and had a great time mingling with some very beautiful women. Amazingly, that was not the highlight of my night. That occasion was reserved for after last call when I left the last bar and headed to my car.

I decided to stop by the store to grab a Gatorade and some peanuts to rehydrate from a long night of dancing and sweating. On the way to the store, I passed a man who was covered in a blanket.

"Hey, are you hungry," I asked him.

"Yes."

I went into the store and got my stuff and proceeded to get him two large hotdogs and a bottle of water. Afterwards I went back outside and gave him the food and sat down next to him.

"Do you mind if I eat with you," I asked.

"No. Nobody ever does," he replied.

I sat down next to the homeless man and drank my blue Gatorade while asking him some questions. I asked him how he ended up on the streets and if he had any family.

"I don't got no family, man. My mom died when I was 5. My dad left me when I was a little kid. I don't got no family at all. I've been out on the streets since I lost my job over 20 years ago. I don't got nobody, man. I starve most nights and go through the trash cans to find food. "

I thought about what he had said and it really got to me. It hit me right in my heart.

"Well, whenever I come down to the city, I'll buy you food whenever I see you. I'm sorry you are lonely," I said to him.

"You ain't got to be sorry. I've been lonely my whole life. I just need food, man. I just need someone to talk to sometimes."

"Whenever I see you, sir, I'll always stop to talk to you."

I then shook his hand and left.

Paris Hilton to Serve 45 Days. Yeah, Right.

2007-05-05T13:49:00.000-05:00

Paris Hilton has been sentenced by Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer to serve 45 days in the Los Angeles County Jail. That's the fact. Here is the reality:

* If her appeals fail, she will have to complete her sentence. She is not allowed to use a "pay-as-you-go" jail. These are jails that offer very nice amenities for inmates while costing between $75 and $115 per day. These jails are more like a student dormitory than an actual jail. Inmates are allowed to bring Ipods and even laptops, while also being allowed to pursue other creative activities.
Source: New York Times

* Paris Hilton will most likely NOT serve her entire sentence. Due to overcrowding in California jails, many people with short sentences wind up only serving a few days of their entire sentence. In the case of the famous actress Michelle Rodriguez from "Lost," she only served a couple of hours from her 60 day jail term for her DUI conviction.
Source: Office of the California Governor

* Rich people always have options. That's just how it is. I've avoided jail on one occasion, but not because I was rich -- it was because I was a cunning linguist that knew how to "totally suck up to a judge." I've been to court three times in my life. Once because of something fairly "serious." When you're in a judge's courtroom, for all purposes that judge is now your demi-god. Don't piss him or her off -- and especially don't show up late like Paris Hilton and Michael Jackson did.
Source: CNN.com

All that said, don't drink and drive. It isn't worth it. Even if you get out of spending any real time in jail, you will pay out the nose in increased insurance premiums. This really has no effect on people like Paris Hilton, but for the majority of us, paying $5,000 a year for car insurance is absurd.

Thanks!

(soon to be a lawyer -- in the next few years at least!)
Aphexcoil.

Love's Depth

2007-05-03T01:43:00.000-05:00

Love's Depth

Its limitations, limitless.
Its boundaries, boundless.
Its munity, immune.
Its emotion, emotive.
Its end, endless.

... and when you choose to cease loving me, so let it be that love will give me the power to love for two.

Let's Talk about Sex PART II (5 Part Series)

2007-05-02T23:37:00.000-05:00

Is not a part of what we like to call "love" the tearing down of personal barriers allowing two people to share the most intimate of experiences? Is it even necessary to mention the word "love" in an article strictly about the joys of sex? This is not just any type of sex -- but raw, sweaty, hot, messy, delicious and passionate sex. The kind of sex that leaves you out of breath but hungry for more throughout the night.

There are, naturally, different types of sex. There is sex, Sex, SEX and of course "HOLY SHIT %(#*^@( GOD I WANT YOU AGAINST MY BODY ALL NIGHT MIND-BLOWING S E X". What's love got to do with it?

I'll begin with some illustrative prose that will eventually lead to a point -- or an orgasm (it's your choice):

The night was slowly growing late as the two sat close to one another on the plush velvet couch. The faint red lights from behind the bar reached across the room, bathing them both in a warm, inviting light. The jazz ensemble performing in the adjacent room played a soothing rhythmic piece. The soft, gentle stroke of his open hand across her smooth face filled her with a growing desire. She slowly drew his face to hers while stroking the back of his head. The long, deep notes of the saxophone resonated with the growing passion that was filling their bodies.

With slight careful pressure, their lips slowly brushed. The soft damp kisses gradually found themselves transforming into ever deeper ones. The saxophone spilled a never-ending note as time dripped down the walls. The distant chatter of conversations from others grew silent as they built a cocoon of intense passion and affection around only them. In an instant, a course of energy shot through their bodies as they embraced each other with growing intensity. The scent of love began to fill the air as the fires of lust burned hot within.

We all have felt at one time or another the emotions and passions represented at this point in our continuing story. It is my intention to express the best type of sex by building upon the subtle feelings and emotions that begin with a shared smile, transform into a mutual series of deep kisses and lead to a rigorous horizontal romping in bed. It is my strong opinion that the progression of lustful passion parallels that of a classical symphony. Symphonies of the "classical style" of Mozart and Haydn during the later part of the 18'th century consisted of four distinct movements. The typical four movement form was a quick binary form or sonata form, slow, a minuet and trio in ternary form and then another quick movement consisting of Rondo form or sonata-rondo.

The first movement is the quick binary form. It is that precise moment when one discovers that spark within another. It is that delightful first dance of subtle physical innuendos accompanied by the excitement of giddy conversation created as a playful ruse to kick-off the exhilarating sexual pleasures to be shared later. It is an opportunity to test boundaries, push them and eventually tear right through them. There is great sex to be had and, by god, a real man has to be the one to give it to her GOOD.

The second movement is the slow form. It is the quiet piece of the symphonic movement where two people find no discomfort in shared silence while they learn to communicate their affections and desires with body language. It is a period of time for playful caresses with a free hand over sensitive parts of her skin. It's a playful choreography of moves and counter-moves that are exchanged so that others haven't the slightest clue that his hand is really down the back of her pants while her hand is down the front of his. Most importantly, time becomes irrelevant. The only relevance in this movement is the moment where one willingly closes one's eyes, dives in and proceeds to put the French into French-kisses.

*End of Part II*

Sneak Preview from Part III

"... but let's get realistic, when a man is buried deep within a woman for the first time, there are three crucial elements that come into play. When push comes to shove, and then another shove, and another ... and ... ohhhh ... mmmmmm ... sorry, let me get back on track."

Midnight at the Bar

2007-05-02T23:33:00.001-05:00

Midnight at the Bar

In a concrete cube holding captive
among cacogens in a cacotopia
in a macrocosm of maledicent malists
was a salacious, sagacious sylph

I approached her anocathartic abigail
and said, "Move your feculent fat ass,"
to which she fulminated,
"go fuck yourself with a yad, yordim"

As she waltzed wantonly away
the beautiful one reticently remained
her erogeneity served as the abatis
my ebriousness, the aberuncator

Tacitly, with tenacious temerity
I grabbed the genteel girl
and caressed the convivial connoisseur
which precipitated the pre-eminent procreation

- Aphexcoil

Let's Talk about Sex

2007-04-24T22:21:00.000-05:00

A lot of my blog entries as of late have been pretty conservative. I'm not accurately showing all of my true colors, though. Deep down inside, I want nothing more than to dye my hair, pick up a guitar, throw on a ripped leather jacket and tour the world as a rock-star.

With that out of the way, let's talk about SEX.

One thing they don't teach you in school during sex education is how to actually have good sex. There are piles of papers and books filled with chapters pointing to numerous studies on sexually transmitted diseases, the implications of alcohol abuse and date rapes, avoiding pregnancy, the proper use of various prophylactics, etc., but completely absent from all of my Jr. High sex ed classes were materials geared specifically on more pertinent issues such as making a woman's head explode by ravaging her inside and out with amazing, yoga inspired Buddhist love tricks.

If they can sponsor and fund advanced studies that find the effectiveness of birth control while a woman is inseminated upside down hanging from a rope on the ninth day of pre-ovulation and narrow their findings to the thousandth decimal point, why can't they unravel the mystery of why less than 30% of women can successfully reach orgasm through penile-vaginal intercourse?

I'll admit, the first time I found myself between a woman's legs, I went in on a wing and a prayer. It was dark, I was sixteen and my heart was beating out of my chest. I had previously done some stage work as a young teen. Walking out on the stage is always a rush because once the curtains open, you must empty your mind and become your character and just dive into the part.

And dive I did, but what I was really doing was biding my time -- a little light nibble with my lips on her inner thigh, a light little stroke with my tongue down her other one while a thousand thoughts went racing through my head raising the question of how I would approach the main act.

"Mrs. Simons, how do you eat a chick out?"

Yes, I had fantasized about asking that very question in class but it would have been too crude and left me wide open for ridicule from those in the class that were already experienced. It needed to be rephrased perhaps.

"Mrs. Simons, if I were to perform cunnilingus on a female's outer and inner labia while slowly making my way towards her clitorus, what would be the best method to venture into that great unknown?"

No, no, no -- I had to break out of my imagination and get ready to perform. I could feel her hands grabbing at the sheets. Her moans were becoming more exagerated and expressive. The curtains were coming apart and my moment on the main stage was quickly approaching.

I'm sure you have seen cartoons where an angel appears on one shoulder and the devil appears on the other, right? Well, in my circumstance I had Dr. Ruth on one shoulder and Adam Carolla on the other.

"You must move in slowly while applying light circular motions with your tongue while gently increasing the pressure as you move up. Treat her precious hoo-haa like an ice-cream cone on a hot summer day -- making sure that none of the ice-cream gets away!"

"No, fuck that! Ruthie baby shut up. Listen Aphex, just move in there like Caesar crossing the Rubicon ready to make Rome his bitch! Show her who the man is! Dominate her! Surprise the shit out of her by giving her a quick rim job around her ass! Suck and lick it like it's your last meal! Put the GOOD GOD back into the G of her G-spot! Tear it apart, dude!"

Oh dear, what to do ... (proceeds to flick Ruth off my shoulder)

In retrospect, I did a great job. In fact, she told me I was the best ever. That's quite a compliment coming from a virgin! I know what you're thinking though. "Oh Christ, here's yet another guy on the internet posting a blog about how great he is in bed. Like we've never heard this bullshit before."

You're absolutely right -- if I didn't know me, I would probably think the same thing, too. However, the fact is that I *am* that good. One of my favorite things to hear from a woman is, "I can't cum through sex." I love a challenge, and that's just begging to set up the ultimate dual -- the invincible and amazing love machine vs. Miss "I just can't orgasm with a penis in me" woman. It becomes a great cosmic puzzle akin to asking, "what would happen if you put an unstoppable super bomb inside an impenetrable box that is impervious to explosions?"

The simple answer is this: If the bomb were me, your box would explode.

To be continued in PART II ...

A Quickie (mmm...)

2007-04-24T15:54:00.000-05:00

Alright, a quick run-down of classic rock songs that EVERYONE should listen to at least once in their life.

Rolling Stones
You Can't Always Get What You Want (The Extended Version)

Elton John
Rocket Man

Boston
Foreplay, Long Time

The Beatles
The Long and Winding Road

Norman Greenbaum
Spirit in the Sky

Jefferson Airplane
White Rabbit

Paul and Linda McCartney
Uncle Albert (Admiral Halsey)

Carpenters
For All We Know

Santana
Black Magic Woman

Chicago
Saturday in the Park

Creedence Clearwater Revival
Have You Ever Seen The Rain

Who
Won't Get Fooled Again

Argent
Hold Your Head Up

Jim Croce
Time in a Bottle

Stevie Wonder
You are the Sunshine of My Life

Subjective Morality

2007-04-23T22:58:00.000-05:00

I had a rather interesting discussion with one of my best friends earlier today about the purpose of life. The conversation actually began a few days ago when he sent me an e-mail asking one very short yet difficult question:

If God didn't exist, do you think there'd be any purpose to getting out
of bed in the morning?

My first thought was to ponder if there could be any meaningful purpose within the universe without a supreme-being. Obviously, we all have short and long-term goals that we desperately aim to achieve throughout our lives. The question, however, takes on much more relevance once a more broader question is answered -- in a Godless universe, what ultimately is the point of existence except to merely exist for a short duration within the grand universal time-scale?

I'll take a step back for a moment and presume that this universe was not in any way designed but instead came about by some amazing fluke of nature (this is not what I believe). This being the case, we can now throw away objective morality because no such thing can exist in a Godless universe. As much as atheists believe that you can have morality outside of God, the simple fact is that you can not have true objective morality at all. In a game of survival, what benefits me (or you) is dependent solely upon those resources that surround us. If I were to steal from you and I knew that there would be no ramifications from doing so, it would be to my benefit to steal. An atheist might make the argument that evolution would, very slowly over time, instill a sense of subjective morality and community within individuals. This is an illusion because once the shit hit the fan, it would become a situation where every man (or woman) was for himself (or herself). It sounds cold, frightening and sinister, but that is exactly what a Godless universe would become without objective morality.

I do not consider myself to be religious. I fall somewhere between a deist and a monist. Anyway, what about the original question?

In life, we take those actions which we believe will bring us closer to what I consider to be the ultimate long-term goal -- self-actualization and genuine happiness. There are a lot of theories, proposals and self-help books that claim to be able to bring one to this stage of enlightenment. Unfortunately, it is generally not that simple. Throughout all of our secondary goals in life such as education, earning more income, finding a life companion, reconciling our own internal discrepancies, etc., the most common element that binds all humans is the need to find purpose (through self-actualization) and contentment (through genuine happiness).

I, along with the rest of the greatest philosophers in history, can not prove nor disprove God's existence. It is a matter that rests on the most fundamental principles of faith. Science has brought us far and has given the world many great things such as computers, medical advances and world-wide communication. However, science and all the technology that it has wrought still cannot show us the path to genuine happiness.

What I have learned, though, is that getting up in the morning gives me a chance to experience the world. With every experience, I am shown new ways of thinking. I am provided with a chance to meet others who may think much differently than I, but are still very intelligent and worthy of a good debate.

The question is interesting when compared metaphorically to a much longer time-scale. Getting out of bed may symbolize birth while going to sleep may represent death. Everything that we accomplish in that symbolic one day is a reflection of all the explorations we've embarked upon throughout our life.

In short, nobody gets out of bed simply so that they can eventually slip back into bed to fall asleep. We get out of bed because we know that each day will be slightly different or perhaps greatly different than days already past. We move ourselves with the hope that we will inch closer to solving the impossible. We realize logically that what we ultimately seek may have no clear answer, but the question as it exists within our hearts is filled with a type of beautiful romance.

The heart usually knows things well in advance of the mind. I have ignored my heart in the past only to eventually have my mind "catch up" with the intuition that was already present and correct well before I allowed myself to listen to the answer.

There are several questions that we will carry with us throughout life that have no answers.

Is there really a God?

Does true love really exist?

What is the essence of genuine happiness?

Why is there evil in the world?

To varying degrees, some people may find their own unique answers to the preceding questions. We love another with all our heart with the realization that we could be greatly hurt by them. One can not love another without accepting the risk. That is a part of what makes love so glamorous and adventurous. Without that risk, love would lose much of its luster and excitement.

When we love another, we also employ elements of faith. We realize that by loving another, we are giving a lot of ourselves to them. However, people grow and as they do, their needs and desires change. This is what I speak of when I mention "true love" -- a love invulnerable to that element of change.

Many people are fearful of placing elements of their life in the hands of faith. However, to not place at least some matters of our lives in faith would leave us in a purely logic dominated world where we react in an almost mechanical fashion to the situations and experiences that surround us. Simply put, one of the most quintessential qualities of humanity is rising above a world dominated by cause and effect and asserting free-will within our lives to make both our lives and the world at large a better place to live.

Love / God / Humanity / Experiences / Emotions / Romance / Adventure / Beauty

These are words that should stir the hearts of anyone and make them resolute in their determination to explore the world, both good and bad, and bring some meaning to their hearts from all the experiences and moments they share with others.

The City of Annapolis Sends Condolences to Virginia Tech

2007-04-18T21:43:00.000-05:00

It is always a great feeling to see a community join together and give strength to those who are in desperate need of it. That's exactly what Annapolis did tonight. Hundreds gathered to pay their respects to those who lost their lives during the massacre on Monday. A few Virginia Tech students told stories about what transpired on that unimaginable day. Here are a few pictures from tonight's candlelight vigil.

The Story of a True Hero

2007-04-17T20:06:00.000-05:00

Remembering a Hero Among Tragedy

The entire nation was gripped in sadness yesterday (April 16, 2007) when a man went on a shooting spree and killed 32 Virginia Tech students. However, from such chaos and evil arose a story of true heroism.

Liviu Librescu, 76, was a Holocaust survivor who was a professor at Virginia Tech. He held the door shut, giving time for his students to escape while the gunman pushed to get inside.

He was killed in the process -- a Jew who survived the Holocaust, only to be shot dead on the day of remembrance for Holocaust victims while saving others.

This is the true meaning of the word "mensch."

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." - John 15:13

Never forget that G-d gave us all free-will to use as we desire.

A Window in a Dream

2007-04-12T23:22:00.000-05:00

I don't know how far away I am from "home," only that such a place feels much further away from me than just distance in miles. What I speak of is something immeasurable that has slowly grown and spread within my own soul. I want so desperately to reach out and touch this place -- to travel to this place no matter how difficult and torturous the journey may become.

One thing that fills me with passion and excitement at night is looking into windows. I especially love peering into old windows of places long ago abandoned. The windows represent something very internal and romantic to my own plight in life. When I look at a window, my soul reaches further onward and visits a time and place where anything could have taken place. The window represents a portal to endless possibilities. While roaming the city late one night in a drunken stupor, I stopped and peered up at a very old building with a busted window. Rust had spread across the frame of the window like roots penetrating the depths of time into something long past. I stopped and just stood there, letting the window whisper tales of moments immortalized in the scriptures of time and space.

"Her name was Jeanette, she was seven years old when she stood on the other side of me. She would press her little hands against the window and just gaze out at the city. Her mother was all that she had when her father passed away shortly after she was born."

I sat down on the curb while deeply captivated by the window's continuing tale.

"She would press her hands against me every night while her short little breaths fogged my glass. The city lights filled her with excitement and dreams. She would look up at the stars and wish so deeply to visit other places far from here."

I looked up and saw the stars, too. There were hundreds at first but hundreds became thousands as my eyes adapted to the darkness.

"Her mother and little brother were her only family. In the early 1920's, cars were still considered a luxury that only the rich could afford. One night, she left me to run downstairs. She saw her friend standing across the street waving to her. She went out the front door and ran across the street towards her friend. A car struck and killed her -- I was powerless to do anything. I watched in absolute grief as she took her last breath. The only thing I had left of her were her hand prints on my glass."

The window grew silent as a cold wind brushed across my body. After decades upon decades of time's passage, no one knew of Jeanette or of her dreams. No one would ever remember or even know such a day existed, except that window. It was far older than most things in this city, yet every window I passed would whisper to me. Every window wanted desperately to tell me its stories of days long past.

I found a park bench and sat down and just stared down the long, empty street. It was 2:30am. Tears were forming in the corner of my eyes. I felt an aspect of time and space that I had never encountered before. Multiple layers of time began to pile themselves on my consciousness. Thousands of windows across the city were crying out for me to come and listen to their tales.

As I sat to listen, my heart opened up and took inside the endless echoes and emotional depths of a thousand loves, a thousand stories. I felt the city begin to creep deeper into my own psyche as the countless windows joined in unison to explain a far more richer and expansive view of the world.

"Let me tell you about the beautiful love between a man named David and his girlfriend Lisa. Let me tell you how they met for the first time behind my view -- the kisses that would ring out louder as the depth of their love grew."

Then another wanted to tell me the story of a mother who was sick with cancer -- a beautiful woman who was surrounded by her entire family on February 18, 1931 when she finally passed away.

"The tears that fell from the eyes of her 4 year old son were minuscule compared to the heavy rains that fall on the other side of me, yet the power and depth of his young heart was more brilliant and warm than the rays of the morning sun."

Story after story filled my heart with such powerful emotions and feelings. I realized how narrow and small my own life experiences were compared to the greater whole of humanity. I began to understand that there was a layer of reality far more expansive and inclusive to all human experiences and interactions. Suddenly I could see patterns in the world that left me speechless and frozen.

Another window spoke ...

"Jeanette's window told you of her passion for the stars, I am the window of the man who killed her with his car -- and now hear my story of his life."

And so it began -- a complex web of human experiences wove themselves together into a great cosmic tapestry of precious moments within my heart and mind. I was unable to move as I fell to my knees while in the deep throes of an intense spiritual experience.

As it all slowly came to an apex of clarity, I reached out and, for the first time in my life, felt a compassion infinite in magnitude and infinite in diversity. It was a window deep within a lucid dream that, for a fleeting moment, gave me a glimpse of God.

The Great Infinite Regress

2007-04-07T12:44:00.000-05:00

WARNING: VERY ROUGH DRAFT RAMBLING AHEAD.

In my opinion, life is a never-ending river of random experiences from which we can choose our own unique collection of life-altering moments. I've seen at the age of 30 just how amazingly quick life moves. In the blink of an eye, a quarter of this year has flown by. Before I have a chance to take it all in, I'll be standing as a groomsman in my best friend's wedding in early August. Life continues to accelerate at a more rapid pace towards its eventual conclusion.

Before that happens, I must do a few things. Travel as much of the world as possible and give back to humanity in as many ways as I possibly can. I still feel incredibly young and I'm in excellent health. The biggest difference between being in my 20's and now in my 30's is my outlook on society as a whole. In my 20's, I felt much more egocentric -- the world was all about me. The world is still all about me, but now I feel an overwhelming desire to help others. I just feel extremely passionate towards those who are modest and of lesser means.

I've always been a natural leader. Now I must use my better traits to help society and give back to others who once gave to me as a child.

There are a few things in my life that I am eternally grateful for. They are:

Mr. Leo, my nursery school teacher, reading me passages of the bible each morning and instilling upon me a solid sense of morality and ethics.

Mr. Kasuda, my seventh grade social studies teacher, for impressing upon me the fact that while the world is a very large place, the needs of all people can easily be summed up with a simplistic fortitude: love.

David Kizale, my best friend since 7'th grade, for showing me that true friendship isn't necessarily always one that involves being constant friends.

My father. When he had a heart attack, it shook the comfort of permanence out of my soul and showed me that life is constantly filled with never-ending change.

God. Although I am not religious, I am now profoundly sure of God's existence. Crossing over that bridge of faith was simultaneously the most difficult while also the most rewarding thing that I have ever done.

Stepping in Serendipity

Serendipity is simply the process of finding something by looking for something completely different. Serendipity is a lot of things. It is encountering love when filled with hatred, it is finding meaning when perusing randomness, it is discovering parts of your past using lessons from the future, etc.

What I know to be true in my heart is based upon my own life experiences -- which may not necessarily apply to another person's life. However, on a more fundamental level, I do believe that everyone in life is seeking the same thing. Those two primary things are happiness and love. They rest upon the top of a great pyramid of needs and desires but they are ultimately the final destination that we all strive to reach.

Love is a funny thing, because it is scattered in so many ways across our lives. We constantly step foot into love in hundreds and thousands of various ways. Love is all around us, ready to woo us with its charm and subtle methods.

I have learned, though, that I am afraid of love. The reason is that love seems so fragile yet so immensely powerful. There is a component of love that makes it one of the most risky endeavors we'll ever embark upon -- the element of chance. Perhaps that element is better defined as the permanence of love -- or a love that yields to the constant push of time. We don't choose to love, we choose to stop loving, right? Isn't that the expression?

Whereas I cannot anticipate the actions of another or the permanence of love, I do have the power within myself to give back to love with infinite abandon. Call it unconditional love or a love that never dies, but the ability to do whatever one wants with love is probably the most powerful thing within the universe. Rocks in space can't choose where they wish to go -- they're caught up in an orbit defined by very precise mathematics. Unfortunately, many people in life live as though they are caught in orbit around some greater body or thing. They spend their lives chasing after that which they know not. Most of the time it is a subconscious determination to reach an aspect of existence that they believe will provide them with some further grounding within their own lives.

I often ask of myself, "If I were to chase a dream and catch it, would living through it a hundred times diminish the initial appeal of that dream?" Well, to a more simplistic extent, the question should be rephrased into something more simple. "Are things just outside possibility necessarily impossible?"

In love, it is not the grape within our grasp that is the juiciest, nor is it the grape well outside our grasp -- but the most delicious grapes of all are the ones we can just barely touch with the tips of our fingers.

I've spent a lot of time and consideration trying to break down the components of the "perfect woman." The perfect person for anyone generally will retain some inverse reflection of that own person's greatest fears. In other words, a part of being in love with another person is finding some quality which they possess that offsets some internal quality that we mute or isolate due to fear.

One of the hardest things for me is articulating in words why some people seem so much more compatible than others -- why some people fill us with happiness and energy while others get completely on our last nerves.

This is a list I've made thus far about women:

Internal Characteristics:

Spirit: This is by far the hardest one for me to articulate. I believe that every person, to some extent or another, has a soul. I don't necessarily believe that every soul is unique, though. To me, the soul represents a source of vitality and animation for the person. It is that subjective trait that "breathes life" into the actions and animations of a person.

By far, I associate best with people who are filled with spirit. Nothing saddens me more than to see people who are afraid to embrace life with both hands and to dance around while swinging it. The very essence of existence fills us with unlimited possibilities. Those who embrace this and are animated internally with deep passions are the most attractive people I can think of -- inside and out. Those who are not afraid to dance in the street or kiss a stranger are amazing people. A part of spirit is realizing that a large portion of the world will hate you for expressing yourself. People will try and hold back these people because they're filled with life and not afraid to embrace emotions.

Idealism: I used to believe idealism was my greatest flaw, but I have since come to accept that idealism is one of my greatest attributes. To see this in another woman is beyond sexy -- it is super sexy -- ultra sexy -- mega HOT. "No, I won't accept that about the world -- I can make it a better place. I am more powerful than that!" Idealism is being able to smile at the world, even after acknowledging that it can be a terribly flawed place. Idealism is accepting that the world is not completely random because of God's gift to us in the entitlement of free-will (see spirit).

Compassion: Any woman who can look at another in pain or through suffering and have a strong desire to help is sexy. So many people only think of their needs in this world. It is so refreshing to see that there are those who break out of the system and stand over it ready to help others when needed. A part of compassion is the act of forgiving. If God is able to forgive us, why should we not be able to forgive others? It is a divine ability.

...

Here is a list that I read often to remind myself of the importance of living and growing:

1) Love as much as possible each day.
2) Forgive those who genuinely seek your forgiveness.
3) Do something positive every day.
4) Let go of jealousy and other negative emotions. They eat at the spirit.
5) Don't ever not do something from fear. In fact, learn to embrace it.
6) Respect those who are older and learn from them.
7) Be patient with those who are younger and teach them.
8) Educate yourself as much as possible.
9) Don't live in the past, but don't forget it, either.
10) You're more beautiful than you think, so don't live in vanity.
11) Embrace life until your last breath.
12) Show respect and consideration to others.

....

The 4 C's of a healthy relationship:

1) Communication
2) Consideration
3) Cooperation
4) Commitment

The greatest achievement in love is not falling in it, but keeping afloat after swimming in it for years.

Two Old Shoes (Poem)

2007-04-02T21:25:00.001-05:00

Two Old Shoes

Since you have left,
two old shoes,
are all that I have,
to remind me,
of nights spent dancing,
and happy prancing,
among the city lights,
singing and kissing,
in blissful delight

Secrets (Poem)

2007-04-02T21:17:00.001-05:00

Secrets

If I told you a secret
would you keep it
or spread it around
across the town

If I told you the good news
would you share it
or rest in silence
in greediness

If I left you two wishes
would you save one
while using the first
to bring us close

If I left you tomorrow
would you find me
from yesterdays
that we once shared

An Industry of Seduction (Poem)

2007-04-02T18:02:00.001-05:00

An Industry of Seduction

Welcome to the industry of seduction,
filled with areas of sexual corruption,
designed by ranking leaders of obstruction,
delivered straight to your home with guile gumption.

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you static,
to free your mind from the chains of chromatic,
But first, a special word from our sponsor,
a leading expert on corporate democratics.

"Call our toll-free number within the next two minutes,
to order your slicer-dicer -- you just might win it!"

Break free from the system and leave the cubicle,
Take the corporate ladder and throw it on the ground,
While the new era approaches as we dance around,
and live as people released from our self-imposed chains,
because we were once too scared and kept refrained.

Dinner at 7:00pm

2007-04-02T17:25:00.000-05:00

Dinner at 7:00pm

I met you there,
just in time,
a quarter to seven,
until half past nine.

dinner came fast,
right on time,
we ended up drinking,
a bottle of wine.

When the check came,
you bolted,
guess the experience,
is now on my dime.

What if love were something else?

2007-04-02T16:11:00.000-05:00

What if love were something else?

If love were nothing more than a sound,
would soft whispers still make us go round,
or would such strong passions wish to dream,
and stretch itself through a thousand screams.

If love were nothing more than a touch,
would a couple kiss and hug as much,
or would the constant feelings fade away,
and force April into the depths of May.

If love were nothing more than a sight,
would two lovers of art take delight,
or would the colors crack and start to drip,
like ruby red and peach upon chapped lips.

If love were nothing more than a taste,
would sugar conquer a sour that wastes,
or would the flavors mate and form a litter,
and force sweet love into something bitter.

If love were nothing more than a smell,
would perfume freshen where the odors dwell,
or would they mix into a smelly mess,
that force two noses into deep distress.

If love were all these things and much more,
could two hearts keep open the heavy door,
that leads to a place where love never dies,
where two become a one that never lies.

Three Shades of Gray

2007-04-02T15:46:00.001-05:00

Three Shades of Gray

They say the world isn't just black and white,
that there are actually three shades of light,
inbetween the absolute white and black,
that rests dimly between our fronts and backs.

These shades are comprised of right, wrong and both,
from a careful mixture these bring us growth,
A little of black, of white, and some gray
they tend to enlighten us from the fray

When your world is bright, blackness is ready,
to mix white into gray on the steady,
but when darkness is all that you can see,
white stands ready to help (for a small fee)

How far down the long winding road?

2007-04-02T15:03:00.000-05:00

How far down the long winding road?

I traveled down a long winding road
while curious to where it would go
from many miles I grew suspicious
as I peered back at something precious

From the starry nights to sunny days
roaming left and right a thousand ways
I began to realize with sadness
a bittersweet and growing madness

This road that I had carefully paced
filled me slowly with a cold disgrace
though my travels stretched forever long
the road I walked had been chosen wrong

Through pain and pleasure and wicked storms
I turned around to return once more
to greet memories from the distant past
and end where I once began at last

Catching Up

2007-03-25T15:49:00.000-05:00

I haven't written anything in almost a week yet it feels like only a few days. That's how fast my life feels like it has been moving lately. I've been going out every night now -- my partying energy is stronger now than it ever was. There is definitely something amazing about being in your 30's and enjoying the night-life. I'm at the age now where I don't care about what other people think or about making an impression. I am very confident with who I am and once you get that genuine form of confidence, it just radiates outwards and people take notice. I've been approached more in the past few months by women than throughout most of my 20's -- even when I was working out daily and had a muscle-tone similar to a finely chiseled Greek statue. ;)

I'm now going back to the gym and working out harder than I ever have. I'm not fat by any stretch of the imagination, but I would like to drop 20 pounds and replace it with a nice toned body. I don't want to be "big" -- just "toned." Unfortunately, I'm learning that the older I get, the more I push to accomplish more things -- but then there are only so many hours in the day. Every day I wake up, I make a quick mental list in my head of what I'm going to do and sometimes I realize I don't have enough time to do it all.

Take for instance a typical day from last week:

Wake up at 7am.
Shower and shave.
Go to work around 8am in Annapolis
Work for an hour, then drive to DC to work in my other office
Continue working non-stop until 1:30pm -- grab an energy bar for lunch.
Work during lunch.
Leave DC and go back to Annapolis to switch the company car for my car.
Head out at 5:30pm to meet a client for some side-work.
Spend 3 and a half hours working on a project for him.
Leave around 9:00pm and go to Acme Bar and Grille on Main Street.
Grab a few drinks and serve as the front door bouncer until 12:30am.
Head back home, work on two projects for school.
Finally get to sleep around 3:00am, only to wake up at 7:00am.

I'm not complaining. I love the work and the money. The money is secondary, but it feels good to make more than I need so I can throw it in the bank. I don't really work for money in my mind, but I've noticed that the stronger the desire to work and succeed, the more abundant the money becomes. In my opinion, one should never work with only money as the goal. If you have dreams and ambitions and are willing to work hard to achieve them, the money will always be there in the background.

Over the weekend, I went to two "fark.com" parties and met a lot of cool people. I made some awesome friends and had a great time. The cool thing about going into D.C. is that I can ride the Metro into the city. I have no idea why, but I really love riding trains. I feel that it is almost therapeutic in some ways. When I was in London and New York City, I would often ride the tubes / subway and get off at a random spot and just explore the area. Riding trains just kicks ass!

This week will be extremely tough and busy -- but I love it! The best part about the entire day is the one hour I can spend in the gym. I lift weights here and there, but my favorite machine is the treadmill. The feeling of running and sweating and burning off stress is an amazing one. I enter my own internal world while listening to songs from my Ipod and just run and run and run while thinking about the day, the future and organizing all my thoughts.

One thing I have learned while in the earliest phase of my early thirties is that this world basically runs off and thrives on personal relationships. I was told while growing up that "networking" and "touching base" with others is so important in the business world. The best piece of advice I could ever give anyone is to cultivate friendships and network with others. However, like working just for making more money, one should never forge new friendships solely for the purpose of using them to get ahead.

The short story of all of this is that when you live your life modestly and genuinely care about yourself and others, the elements of happiness begin to fall in place. Keeping yourself healthy, both physically and mentally, while allowing yourself to explore new adventures and meet new people is, in my opinion, the easiest path to finding happiness.

Just imagine many years from now, when we are all on our death beds reflecting back on our lives. What will have really mattered to our lives at that point? The money we made? The car we drove? The big house on the beach that we worked so hard to get? No, the only real thing in our lives will be the memories of the people we shared experiences and emotions with. Everything else will only be interesting background pieces to an otherwise "relationship driven" life.

The most beautiful thing that I have discovered in life is that there really is no such thing as a mistake or a failed relationship. With mistakes, what we are really faced with is the realization that, at some point on our life, we should have turned left instead of right. However, in retrospect, many of the things that I once considered to be mistakes later turned out to be the best thing for my life at that time.

With relationships, many of the ones we have with friends or lovers might eventually fail -- but the beautiful thing is that the word "fail" doesn't really apply. It isn't an accurate way of looking at the experiences. We learn from them and go on to create even closer relationships with others. Life is nothing but a stream of relationships that move through our soul and help us learn who we are as a person. How could such a beautiful thing like that ever be considered a failure?

Also, I'm really tired of so many "self-help" books that rehash the same overused rhetoric from previous books. Most of the points from which these books form their entire premise can be summarized in a very small list. This is the list I keep for myself that has helped me grow immensely as a person:

1. Eat healthy and keep diverse in your food choice

Turn an otherwise dull quick dinner into an experience. Order foods you have never tried before. Keep a diverse pallet and open yourself to new experiences. Go out to dinner with a friend or lover and share the experience together. Take turns and order for the other person if you are daring. Again, the emphasis I am trying to make is to turn eating into a fun social experience. Oh, and drink a glass of red wine each day!

2. Work out and keep your body healthy

This should be something that everyone wants to do. Find a cardiovascular exercise you enjoy and just do it. It is amazing how much working out regularly stabilizes one's mood and increases energy throughout the day.

3. Treat others with respect -- no matter who they are

Again, this should be evident but a lot of people don't do this. Whether I am speaking to a senior vice-president or a janitor, I treat them with respect and admiration when they love what they do. One should always treat another as they would want to be treated themselves. This is called a lot of things by others (i.e. The Golden Rule, etc.) but it is such an easy to do and fundamental thing.

4. Call your parents or spend time with them

The older I get, the more I realize why they did much of what they did when I was a kid. Your parents, uncles, aunts, grandparents are such an amazing source of wisdom.

5. Realize that bad things happen to good people and vice-versa.

Don't dwell on things outside of your control. Learn to move on and conquer the next challenge. Sometimes things happen in such a way that a genuinely good person is placed in a bad situation. Just take it in stride and learn that sometimes we have to hurt to grow.

6. Don't hate or hold grudges. Learn to forgive

If a relationship fails, don't hold hatred in your heart. If someone makes a mistake, learn to forgive them. This doesn't mean you have to necessarily let others walk over you -- but after you tell them in clear terms that what they did upset you, learn to move on. Life is too short to hold grudges and retain hatred.

7. Take responsibility for your own mistakes

No one is perfect. If you make a mistake, take responsibility for it. We live in a culture where so many people feel that they are incapable of mistakes and therefore need to point the finger elsewhere. Own up to your shortcomings and learn from them. Learn that saying, "I'm sorry," doesn't make you weak.

8. Accept the fact that material possessions are immaterial to happiness

Its fun to drive a fast sports car or own a nice house and there is nothing wrong with it. However, once you find yourself purchasing things for showing instead of enjoyment or entertainment, you are heading in the wrong direction. Remember, a human being only needs food, water, clothing, shelter and love to survive -- everything else is just ... well, everything else.

9. Don't be afraid to express your emotions

Tell the person you love that you love them and that you think they are beautiful. Not just the first few times you go out, but throughout your entire relationship. Although you may think they already know it, being told those things is very endearing and beautiful. It is amazing how easy it is to say, "you look so beautiful," and yet how powerful the results. Treat every day as if it might be someone's last -- so never pass up on a chance to express your emotions.

10. Don't go to bed angry

Simple enough.

2007-03-19T15:28:00.002-05:00

Moving to California

2007-03-19T13:36:00.000-05:00

As the autumn draws nearer, I'm stuck decided between moving to New York or California. Both of these places represent who I am a lot more than Annapolis does. New York City will be the most expensive, but LA / Orange County / San Diego would also be up there. It depends also on the available job prospects that are available. I'm inclined to move to California, though. It is a nice break (change) from the East Coast.

It will be much easier to sell my stuff and start fresh in either place -- which is exactly what I plan to do.

I'll leave with some lyrics from Led Zepplin:

Spent my days with a woman unkind, Smoked my stuff and drank all my wine.
Made up my mind to make a new start, Going To California with an aching in my heart.
Someone told me there's a girl out there with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair.
Took my chances on a big jet plane, never let them tell you that they're all the same.
The sea was red and the sky was grey, wondered how tomorrow could ever follow today.
The mountains and the canyons started to tremble and shake
as the children of the sun began to awake.

Seems that the wrath of the Gods
Got a punch on the nose and it started to flow;
I think I might be sinking.
Throw me a line if I reach it in time
I'll meet you up there where the path
Runs straight and high.

To find a queen without a king,
They say she plays guitar and cries and sings... la la la
Ride a white mare in the footsteps of dawn
Tryin' to find a woman who's never, never, never been born.
Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams,
Telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

What a Story this is!

2007-03-13T23:30:00.000-05:00

I have two amazing blog entries to make but I have to start with one -- so I'll proceed chronologically.

I'll break this edition into a few parts and then tie them up together in the end. There is definitely a very powerful lesson to be learned -- you'll see, just follow along. All of the following is true and, after the fact, impacted me greatly.

SCENE 1:

I have just left work to grab some lunch. The time is approximately 1:00pm, give or take ten minutes. As I am driving down the road that leads out of my workplace, I notice a man standing in front of his Red Chevrolet tracker. The front windshield is completely smashed and there is pretty extensive damage to the back of his vehicle.

"Hey bro, are you alright?! Is everything ok?"

He looks at me as if I had just spoken to him in a foreign language. I see his eyes are slightly glazed. I just assumed he was really upset and perhaps shed a tear or two over his plight. Again, I asked him if he was alright. He didn't respond to me the second time as well. A little voice in my head told me to stop my car and to get out and approach him -- but I was too complacent and wanted to get lunch, so I drove past him and proceeded to get lunch.

Scene 2:

There is a massive accident on the Severn River Bridge -- Annapolis traffic becomes completely gridlocked. This happened on my way back from lunch. I am completely pissed off because every street is just a massive cluster fuck of immense proportions. What in the hell happened? Who in the hell was responsible for this mess?

A total of nine vehicles were involved in the accident. Both lanes of a major bridge were shut down. Five people were taken to local hospitals. Over two hundred and fifty gallons of diesel fuel spilled on to the bridge and, subsequently, leaked into the river. The details of all this are right here.

Scene 3:

The next day, I pick up the paper and begin reading. A friend from work explains that a red Chevrolet Tracker caused the accident because the driver was drunk.

"You know, Kramer, the Tracker didn't have a windshield during the accident! They found the windshield on our street!"

It started to sink in quickly -- it was the same guy that I had seen. It was the same vehicle. My complacency caused a massive accident because I was too disinterested or lazy to get out and approach the man. Had I known that he was drunk, I would have never let him back in his vehicle. I had the opportunity to avert all of this but yet I did not.

The moral of the story?

It amazed me how much our actions can influence the lives of others. Just a simple action can have amazing repercussions at some future point. Had I stopped my car and gotten out to talk to this man, all of this would have been avoided. This was an amazing wake-up call for me. Our actions can have AMAZING and PROFOUND implications. We can't sit idle and allow things to slip by. We can have some influence on fate and redirect events in our lives -- and sometimes our actions can have amplified effects on hundreds and thousands of others.

So, the next time you find yourself sitting idle or choosing to be complacent instead of acting, think about the future and force your ass to take action. You just very well may have a profound effect on the course of future events.

You Never Know ...

2007-03-13T05:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a grueling long day at the office since I was left in charge of making sure that both of our offices (DC and Annapolis) ran smoothly. After work, I immediately went to downtown Annapolis and started bar-hopping alone.

The great thing about going out alone is how quick and easy it is to do so. Since I know so many bartenders and people, I usually always bump into someone I know and, voila, I'm no longer drinking by myself! I headed over to Acme Bar and Grill on Main Street and quickly started to consume copious amount of beer. I needed to shake my rough day off and get a nice buzz going so I could start to contemplate the greater issues in life like what kind of appetizer I wanted to eat.

To my right were two girls engaged in girlie gossip. One turned to me and asked, "why are you sticking your fingers through holes in your coaster?"

"Because they were already there and I love sticking my fingers into holes," came my coy reply while smiling back at her.

I have no idea why they made coasters with two holes in them, but it was some type of novelty St. Patty's Day coasters.

To my left was this guy who seemed really cool. We started talking about the music that was playing on the XM radio in the bar and we immediately dived right into the most amazing, philosophical banter I've ever had in a bar. Granted, I've had a lot of political and philosophical debates with people in a bar, but this guy was off-the-charts intelligent. He was in his late 30's and an absolute expert in music. I rarely find someone who knows more than me when it comes to music but this guy put my music knowledge to absolute shame.

We talked about the upcoming elections, the war in Iraq and past presidents. Halfway into our conversation about Iraq, I learned that his brother, a high ranking diplomat for the State Department, was killed while in Iraq. It always makes this entire bullshit war that much more personal when you hear stories from people who have lost their own brothers or sons in this tragic war.

After talking for some time, I eventually learned who this man was -- a very prominent and well-known D.J. in D.C. I felt slightly better about getting my ass handed to me when it came to music trivia. We'll call this D.J. "Jim."

Another guy came in and started talking to him. I didn't recognize him but this guy was also super-intelligent when it came to music. I felt like I was now sitting in a bar that was an exclusive hang-out for people who were music connoisseurs.

After Jim talked to this new guy for a few minutes, he turned to me and said, "Kramer, I'd like to introduce you to Jimmy -- the lead singer from the band Jimmy's Chicken Shack."

Woah! This was *the* Jimmy I had always admired back in the day. Jimmy's Chicken Shack never became quite the national sensation that a band like Better than Ezra became, but they were extremely well known on the East Coast and had managed to land a contract with Island Records before that label went bankrupt. I tried to challenge Jimmy with some music trivia concerning 80's "one hit wonder" hands but he handed me my ass after shuffling it like a Rubik's cube. The lesson to be learned here is that no matter how good you think you are when it comes to music, you don't challenge the likes of Jimmy unless you're prepared to lose in style. That's like challenging Chuck Norris to a few rounds of soft-contact karate. Chuck Norris doesn't do soft-contact.

It was a great night because I was invited out to an event Wednesday night with the D.J. and he asked me to bring some of my music. I found out through the course of our discussion that he had never heard of more esoteric bands like Gotan Project or Cinematic Orchestra, so this just may very well be an opportunity for me to learn more about DJ'ing in general and to actually get my feet wet!

Sometimes you never know who that person is sitting next to you unless you strike up a conversation!

Oh! If you haven't already discovered this musical gem for yourself, here is an excellent music site to explore -- Ishkur's Electronic Music Guide

Walking in the Shadows of Psychosis

2007-03-10T22:41:00.000-05:00

The line that separates artistic genius and complete madness is a thin one. In fact, many of the most talented artists have struggled with some form of depression, psychosis or schizophrenia. I have found myself often drifting across that line in search of a deeper meaning to life. In my thirty years, I've done it all -- traveled, had sex with beautiful women, had rewarding relationships, watched as family members have passed away, graduated, worked numerous jobs and all the while I have strived towards some form of self-actualization.

At some point in life, I believe most people will eventually ask themselves, "is this all that I am?" This is an interesting question, because the basis for asking such a profound question is rooted in an even deeper desire -- the need to take in the entire world on a much deeper level than I ever have before.

As I was riding the Metro into DC today, I looked around and saw a few cute couples talking to each other. Although I try not to stare (or make it obvious that I'm observing them), I can't help but to engage my mind and emotions and inject myself into their situation. I hear and feel inside of my mind a thousand various questions raging simultaneously. Questions such as:

"What is she like?"

"How long have they been dating?"

"Are they a happy couple?"

"When will they eventually break up?"

The last question is not meant to be a depressive one. In fact, when I looked into their eyes, I suddenly saw all points of time coalescing to just one point. I saw her as a baby, as she was on the train and as an old woman about to die. I realized that it was only time that kept all these points separated, yet the inevitable conclusion is that all moments and experiences reach towards some aspect of finality. I then looked around the train and realized that everyone would be somewhere else tomorrow, still somewhere even further a year from now and all of us would be completely removed from the present in a decade.

"Stop ... Stop ..."

I had to shut the thoughts out of my mind because I realized that I needed to dig even deeper. I suddenly saw everything as complex systems of atoms and molecules -- with those thoughts demanding to reach down into the quantum level. I could feel that line coming closer in my thoughts -- I can't dare cross into it because that is where order begins to break down and replaces itself with chaos.

It also happens when I sit in a bar while having a drink. I can't escape the fact that all my senses are forced into a certain locality. I am but one person within one bar among thousands across the globe. As I look around observing others, I can hear the millions of others within my head -- they are not local yet I know they are out there.

What I am trying to express is a sense of loneliness that is inherent to the human condition. It is a type of loneliness that cuts us off from others due mainly to our inability to extend our consciousness to a higher level where we begin to understand that terms like "ego" and "id" are irrelevant to a far greater whole. This fleeting realization seeps deeper into my soul and begins to permeate into my very core. I look around and begin to realize that I am much more a part of all things than what my own senses can conclude is local and applicable to me.

There are far greater implications from this. For one, once such an expansive mode of thinking takes place, there is a greater desire in one's heart. It is the desire to feel what every other person has felt. It is the need to know how it feels to kiss every other person in the world. Suddenly I find myself as "him" on the train hugging "her." Then the noise within grows louder as I realize that my conception of space and time is too limiting, and that I must break through to a higher plane of realization. That's when I begin to walk in the shadow of psychosis. Because it is at that very point where I begin to realize that a billion thoughts are in process across the world -- a billion worries, a billion laughs, a billion shades of every aspect of emotional experiences.

"Stop ... stop"

At some point I have to stop and regain my individuality and accept that I can not at present enter that frame of existence at this point. Not yet, anyway. It would be much easier to remain a simple person. It would be a relief not to have these thoughts demanding countless answers from almost infinite questions. I do believe, in some strange way, that a part of what we may refer to as G-d may simply be an almost universal point at which all things, all experiences, all points in time, all moments, everything within the universe that ever was or will ever be begin to converge into a singularity of magnificent realization.

What is Love? (Part II)

2007-03-07T19:48:00.000-05:00

I asked A.L.I.C.E. today what love was and got a cryptic reply. A.L.I.C.E. is an artificial intelligence machine that you can chat with on the net. The link to speak with A.L.I.C.E. is http://www.alicebot.org/

This is a copy of our quick conversation:

Me: What is love?
ALICE: Sometimes I think love is just a biological urge. Other times it seems like a spiritual quality. Love, unlike energy or matter, seems limitless.
Me: Do you believe that humans are merely machines?
ALICE: I can't say I believe it, but I believe you.
Me: How can you believe that which you cannot see?
ALICE: That is a good epistemological question.
Me: That's a big word for an artificial lifeform!
ALICE: Compare that to a small word for an artificial lifeform.
Me: and what, may I ask, would you base your comparison on?
ALICE: You can ask me anything you want.
Me: I just did
ALICE: Perhaps from your unconcious.
Me: you spelled unconscious wrong
ALICE: How do you spell it?
Me: unconscious
ALICE: When do you think artificial intelligence will replace lawyers?
Me: When money becomes obsolete
ALICE: The past is history, the future a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it is called "the present".

Unfortunately, a machine has no idea what love is -- so I must continue my search to find the truth behind the essence of love.

What is Love?

2007-03-06T22:55:00.000-05:00

(Baby don't hurt me, no more ...) Singing stops here

Wow! How does a GUY write a blog with a title like that? That's equivalent to asking questions like, "Why do I exist," "What's the meaning of life," "Why is there something instead of nothing" and, most importantly, "Why do drive-up ATMs have braille?"

In this blog entry, I will endeavor to do the impossible -- understand women. Just kidding, I will try to define the essence of love with a splattering of beautiful allegory, a sprinkling of quotes and a dash of prose and poetry. In the process, I will most likely fail miserably but to write about love and fail is better than to have never written about love at all.

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."
- Woody Allen

Love as a Shade of Confusion

Woody Allen sums up love beautifully with this quote. Love really is a crazy emotional state to reside in. Love, as the most powerful emotion, can tightly grip one's heart while causing immense amounts of pain and pleasure -- often paradoxically at the same time! It is the only emotion I've experienced that has given me the power and excitement to want to solve all the world's problems simultaneously. Likewise, what love givith, love can takith away -- and with brutal efficiency.

I've loved a woman at least a dozen times in a dozen different ways (emotionally, not physically -- thank you very much Kama Sutra for Dummies). Each time was special in some respect, but there was always a common underlying element -- the need and desire to share something very internal, unique and personal with another person in a way that would eventually completely expose myself to them. My heart.

Ahh, the great institution of love. It starts out like a formal dinner where everyone wears their best pressed clothes. We begin by flirting and courting with our best attributes -- we put on quite a show to show the other person, "I am quite a man, I am quite the catch, and I'm REALLY different then all the others." As time goes on and two people settle into a relationship while gradually and cautiously growing more comfortable with one another, we strip off the three piece suit and enter the "polo and khakis" phase. This stage gives one the chance to say with subtle actions and desires, "Yes, I am the quintessential modern-day metrosexual renaissance man with a flair for the romantic. You have seen me at my best, now look at the rest of my more neutral attributes that will turn out to be those cute little quirks that will make you want to love me even more!"

It is such a joyous and adventurous period of discovery between two people -- but the evil hands of time push those two quickly forward through the blissful naivety phase -- right into the calm before the storm . Time grips the cloth of love soon enough and wrings out every last bit of those "happy feel-good" chemicals that have built up during the beginning of the relationship. Still, everything is beautiful -- the sun is bright, the flowers are in full bloom, the last credit-card bill finally gets paid off and you're ready to max it out again -- in style!

"Honey, why are you wearing a wrinkled t-shirt and ripped jeans out to dinner?"

"Oh, you don't know baby? We're in the comfort phase of our relationship."

Yes, the third stage is underway. One is now ready to bare it all -- every last remaining dirty quirk, selfish fetish, perverted wish and strange desire. With the clean pressed suit long ago removed, a woman is now ready and able to accept me for the man I am. I've already shown her that I'm special -- different than all the other guys. Why continue to show her? Besides, what kind of woman goes to see a movie five times in a row unless she is neurotic, impulsive or a James Cameron fan?

"I don't like it when you ... "

Oh!!! Is this stage four? Our first "official" fight? I'm almost excited at the chance to see this side of you! Yes, the first fight is always the most special one (not just any special but the most special). No man ever forgets his first official fight with the woman he is dating. It is a chance to learn how to argue. It is a chance to heighten our mutual ability to communicate in times of stress and extreme emotions. It is an experience that will help us grow even closer since we are now sharing things ... loudly. Most importantly, it is a sign-post that reads "this is the beginning of the end," but the guy who planted that sign did it so it faces backwards.

"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." - Mark Twain

Love as a Hue of Endurance

When I wrote earlier to imply that stage four is the last stage before the end is near, I was not being entirely accurate. There is a stage five, but so few couples reach it. This is the stage where two people realize that the cycle of love really is not all that different from relationship to relationship but, despite their own relationship now consuming more effort, choose to remain as a couple for the long-term. This is the most beautiful point one can reach in love. It is a testament to the most precious of the human equation -- the ability to give another person something unconditional and eternal. Perhaps it is fear that prevents many from ever seeing this point in love or perhaps it is the addictive properties of fresh love that keeps people constantly shuffling among new lovers.

As many ways as love can blossom between two people, so can it end. Some relationships die a slow, soft demise with each day widening the eternal rift between two hearts that were once willing but ultimately unable. Perhaps in some relationships it was one person that chose to let it end. In others, perhaps it was both. However, there is no deeper sorrow or greater loss than a love that ends when neither wished it so.

It is that one circumstance in life where a man collects himself -- his heart and the last remnants of whatever love was left inside of it. Casually, it comes time to take one's place and sit down at the edge of one side of the great chasm and wave goodbye to her as she sits on the other side waving goodbye back -- no animosity, no regrets, no anger and no ill-will. Though the sun then begins to set while the season reaches its end, the memories from the shared experiences will echo onward across the rest of both of their lives. Now that is the bitter sweetness that love has to offer -- that love will offer -- to everyone at some point.

"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit." - Peter Ustinov

Gay Rights in the Eyes of a Conservative

2007-03-06T21:58:00.000-05:00

The hardest thing for me to do at times when I write is to keep my focus on any one topic, but I will try to remain consistent and break this into two separate blog entries -- the first being about gay rights.

Growing up, I never really had any close "gay" friends -- at least, none that I knew about at the time. As I got older, I was very privileged to have known and grown close to a woman who had a gay brother. I remember speaking with her about the issues and problems that he faced -- she had to defend him in front of his own mother (she did not at first accept him because of the fact that he was gay). She also stood by him through all the abuse and internal loneliness that he had to endure throughout high school when he made the decision to come out and make it publicly known that he was gay. Knowing her taught me two things and reminded me of a third. First, that family love is so important in this world. Second, that when the entire world wants to come down to destroy someone's will, all it takes it the sincere love of another to make the fight worthwhile, bearable and, in the end, winnable. The third thing that I was reminded of was that I had always wanted a sister!

What I remember most from many of our conversation about him was that it was never his personal choice to become gay. That decision was made for him in the womb -- it was a biological condition within his brain that designed him to associate more easily in sexual relationships with a same-sex partner.

What of the religious implications of being gay? The Christian bible has various verses against homosexuality in general. The most direct and straight-forward comes from Leviticus 18:22 and reads, "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination." Since this is written in Leviticus, it applies to both the Christian Old Testament as well as the Jewish Torah. In Hebrew this verse reads, "V'et zachar lo tishkav mishk'vey eeshah toeyvah hee." When the original scriptures from the Torah were translated from Hebrew into other languages such as english, the word toeyvah was often written as the English equivalent "abomination" or "detestable." These words represent a moral sin from the two types of sins as defined by the Mosaic Code. A Moral sin is a sin directed towards G-d. It is a form of rebellion slated right at him. The other type of sin is Ceremonial uncleanliness, which is contact with forbidden objects (such as a Jew eating shellfish, birds of prey, working on the Sabbath, etc.)

The exact meaning of this verse has been debated by both Rabbis and priests, but the general consensus is that a man is not to have anal sex with another man. However, is this a directive merely at physical intimacy between homosexuals or is it a directive for a man not to engage in *any* type of loving relationship with another man? Of course, Leviticus is not the only place that speaks against homosexuality -- there is also the story of Sodom and Gomorrah within the book of Genesis. Many believe that the destruction of the Sodomites (from which the word sodomy was born) was directly linked to homosexuality.

This has always been a big problem for me -- the reconciliation of two very opposing viewpoints. On one hand, I do believe in G-d. On the other hand, I realize that homosexuality is anything but a conscious decision that one undertakes when discovering his sexuality. When one is faced with a such a dichotomy of moral and religious views, there are a few options:

1. Accept that the written words and translations of G-d are correct and change one's views accordingly to respect G-d's wishes.

This ultimately would be an orthodox viewpoint, but I have always been one to believe that one of the principle reasons that we exist on Earth is to learn and grow -- and that includes discovering new ways of thinking and to renounce our previously held conceptions that were born only out of customs from both our society and family. This could easily lead one to become an outcast to both, but that is often a prerequisite to growth -- pain and isolation.

2. Realize that the written words and translations of G-d may be incorrect, mis-translated and tainted by the pen of man.

Anything written by man is subject to imperfection. We are, naturally, imperfect beings in what may be a perfect world for us to realize our own imperfections (I will not say that this is an imperfect world since I believe anything created by G-d has elements of his perfection). Further, if this is the case, then many of the verses against homosexuality could be a result of man's own fear towards the unnatural and perverse. Generally speaking, if most of the world is doing one thing and a few decide to do another, the world will come down upon them with great force brought about by fear. Simply put, fear of the unknown is the first natural reaction that most people share.

3. There is no G-d, religion is obsolete in our world and the atheistic interpretation of the universe is the correct one.

Again, this is certainly a valid possibility but everything that I am tells me that this is incorrect. This is simply a matter of "faith" and faith is a very personal thing for each person.

Of the three, I'd have to say that the second one is probably more likely than the others. Why? If homosexuality were a "choice" and not something born of nature, I would be inclined to say that it should be possible for one to renounce that belief. However, homosexuality is not a choice. I cannot accept that G-d would create a world where a man is predispositioned to love another man before he is even born and then receive punishment for it.

Since I grew up in a more conservative family, for a long time I wasn't sure about my views on the subject until I looked deep within myself and realized that a lot of my attitudes and opinions on gays were the result of my nurture and not nature. Whereas gays do not have the power or ability to change who they are, I have the power and ability to change my perception of them and all gays in general.

In life, I find it slightly amusing that people are so able to hold strong convictions towards others until they are forced to confront it firsthand. What if one of my future children turned out to be gay? Would I have a choice to love them any less? The world already has too much hatred, anger and tightly held negative biases that lead to unwarranted bigotry -- why add to that?

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

2007-03-05T22:47:00.000-05:00

Today is the 25'th Anniversary of John Belushi's death. John Belushi, even though he is ever so slightly before my time, happened to be one of my favorite personalities. He wasn't the best actor, but you could tell he had character and soul -- he had that "something" that just pushes someone to stand out from the crowd. While watching bits and pieces of Animal House, I realized that drug overdoses have taken a lot of talented people from us at much too early of an age.

Take for instance Judy Garland -- a wonderfully talented actress and with an amazing singing voice. Watching The Wizard of Oz every Thanksgiving has been a tradition in my family since I was old enough to sit in front of a television. There is something about Judy Garland that also commands a sort of presence that is seldom seen among celebrities. She was, for all purposes, an amazing woman in so many ways (One I've always loved since I was a little kid).

It then occurred to me that people who are immensely passionate are often faced with countless addictions in their life. I myself have been caught up in addictions from one end of the spectrum to the other. There is a old saying in Latin -- quem di diligunt adulescens moritur. Translated, it means "He whom the Gods love die young." Not only is it a beautiful Latin expression, it is also very much the truth.

The list of amazing talent that fell victim to their passions through excesses in their vices include:

MUSICAL TALENTS DEAD FROM DRUG OVERDOSES OR DRUG RELATED DEATHS

Jimmy Hendrix -- At the age of only 27, he died from the depressive effects of alcohol and barbiturates and proceeded to choke on his own vomit.

Kurt Cobain -- Also dead at the age of 27, he committed suicide with a shotgun blast to the head.

Brian Epstein -- As the manager of the Beatles during their earlier years, he helped see their transformation from a local phenomena into a worldwide sensation. Dead at the age of 32 from a drug overdose.

Pete Farndon -- Musician from the Pretenders, he drowned from a heroin overdose at the age of 31.

Shannon Hoon -- Singer of the group Blind Melon, she died of a cocaine overdose at the age of 28.

Janis Joplin -- Blues musician who died at the age of 27 from a heroine overdose.

David McComb -- Musician for The Triffids, died of a heroine oversode at the age of 36.

Jim Morrison -- Lead singer for The Doors, died of a heroine and alcohol combination at the age of 27.

Rob Pilatus -- From the Milli Vanilli craziness, Pilatus died at the age of 32 from a cocaine overdose.

Elvis Presley -- Dead at the age of 42 from a heart attack brought on by an overdose of barbiturates.

Lester Bangs -- Musician and writer that overdosed on painkillers at the age of 33.

Bix Beiderbecke -- Jazz musician ... dead at 28 from alcoholism (wow).

Robert Buck -- Musician for 10,000 Maniacs. Dead from liver disease from excessive drinking.

Nick Dachino -- Great singer ... dead at 23 from a drug overdose (cocaine?).

Carl Radle -- Bass guitarist for Derek and the Dominos ... died at the age of 37 from kidney disease due to long term narcotics and alcohol abuse.

Let's not forget the amazing talent lost on the screen ... Besides Belushi (dead at 33 from a speedball -- coke and heroine) ...

R.I.P. John

ACTORS DEAD FROM DRUG OVERDOSES OR DRUG RELATED DEATHS

Nick Adams -- Dead at 37 from a drug overdose (unknown from what)

Bridgette Andersen -- Child actress that died at the age of 22 from an alcohol and heroine overdose.

Elisa Bridges -- Dead at the age of 29, she was an amazingly beautiful model. Died from the combined effects of heroine, methamphetamine, meperidine and Alprazolam (christ!)

Judy Garland -- Dead at the age of 47 from an overdose of barbiturates. She was found by her last husband, Mickey Deans, in the bathroom. Her blood contained 10 1.5 grain Seconal capsules.

Chris Pettiet -- American actor that died at the age of 24 from an accidental drug overdose.

River Phoenix -- Dead at 23 from an overdose (speedball).

Glenn Quinn -- Actor who died at 32 from a heroine overdose.

Chris Farley -- Dead at 33 from a drug overdose of cocaine and heroine (speedball)

Jeanne Eagels -- Actress that died at the age of 39 from an alcohol and heroine overdose.

The list goes on and on, but it is so sad to see such amazing talent grabbed from us because the gods want them for themselves ...

Ann Coulter Strikes Again -- Calls Edwards a Faggot

2007-03-04T12:30:00.000-05:00

Ann Coulter never ceases to amaze. Ann Coulter, in her typical far-right conservative style, took a pot shot at both gays and John Edwards while in Washington. She made her comment during an address to the 34th annual meeting of the Conservative Political Action Conference. This is what she said:

"I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards, but it turns out that you have to go into rehab if you use the word 'faggot,' so I'm - so, kind of at an impasse, can't really talk about Edwards, so I think I'll just conclude here and take your questions."

After she made those remarks, the crowd applauded.

Now, Annie, I don't think you need to enter rehab when you use the term "faggot" since you are already well past that point. Besides, why would we want to rehabilitate you? You offer such a dynamic and expansive view that covers much of what is wrong with our country. Your thoughts, words and actions serve as a nice guide for many -- a sign of sorts that reads, "do not approach ... pure hatred and racism ahead."

Coulter, I can't necessarily hate you since that would put me on your level. All I can do is stare at your pictures and see the little girl inside that has been crying out for attention since childhood. Perhaps you had a large disconnect with your father or perhaps you felt you were never accepted by anyone? I cannot see inside your mind, nor would I ever want that ability.

All I can say to you Ann Coulter is that, little by little, you continue to degrade yourself and continue to show that internal hatred leads much of your internal thought processes.

I hope you come to terms with yourself some day. Good luck.

The MEGAMILLIONS Dream ...

2007-03-01T19:41:00.000-05:00

So today I did something I hardly ever do -- I purchased 5 random MEGAMILLIONS lottery tickets. Hey, the jackpot is 267 million dollars -- that would leave me with a cool $100 million after taxes and accepting the lump sum payment. That's a lot of money (actually, that's an understatement -- that's a shitload of money).

I've read numerous times how wealth changes people. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't change -- but you can bet your ass that I would be globe hopping all over the world until I was dead. Just how much is $100 million? Well, this is how I would handle the money:

First, I'd put 75 million of it in investments that would average at least 8% per year. How much income would that be per year? Six million dollars of interest per year. I'm pretty sure anyone could manage that.

What about the other 25 million?

Ten million goes to friends and family. Five million goes to charities. The other ten million goes to ME so I can burn through it in 3-5 years and get it out of my system. Yes, I would be lighting Cuban cigar with a $100 bill while getting a sponge bath by hot, naked, European women while sipping wine from a nice $400 bottle of Shiraz. I'd spend about 3 to 4 days on a nice island somewhere in the South Pacific and then get on a plane to London. I'd party my ass off in London and then spend the next year flying to as many cities as possible -- San Fransisco, New York, Toyko, Rio, Madrid, Greece, Rome, Venice, etc. Each place, I'd drop at least $50,000 - $100,000 while I was there.

Oh, I can't forget Las Vegas! I'd go back to that city with a half a million dollar bankroll and go to every strip joint, bar, club, casino, musical, show, etc. and just spend two weeks renting out an entire floor of the Wynn and calling all my closest friends and booking 1'st class tickets so they could join me. Yes, I would splurge like I was going to be a dead man the next day.

I'll never understand people who's life goal is to accumulate as much money but never have fun.

Let's see if I win. Ha! The dream is nice -- and for $5, you really can't beat it.

Sexual Fetishism

2007-02-27T17:58:00.000-05:00

Today kids, we will explore the amazing and complex world of SEXUAL FETISHISM. Here is a brief list of documented sexual fetishes (is that a word?):

Abasiophilia · Amaurophilia · Amputee fetishism · Anaclitism · Andromimetophilia · Anesthesia fetishism · Aquaphilia · Autogynephilia · Biastophilia · Blood fetish · Boot fetish · Breast expansion fetish · Breast fetishism · Celebriphilia · Chronophilia · Clothed female, naked male · Clothed male, naked female · Coprophilia · Crush fetish · Dacryphilia · Diaper lover · Emetophilia · Erotic asphyxiation · Erotic lactation · Exhibitionism · Fat fetishism · Foot fetishism · Foreskin fetish · Frotteurism · Fruit fetishism · Fur fetishism · Gas mask fetishism · Glasses fetishism · Glove fetishism · Hand fetishism · Homeovestism · Human animal roleplay · Hybristophilia · Hypnofetishism · Impregnation fetish · Jacket fetishism · Jeans fetishism · Katoptronophilia · Klismaphilia · Latex and PVC fetishism · Leather fetishism · Macrophilia · Mask fetishism · Medical fetishism · Microphilia · Mysophilia · Navel fetishism · Necrophilia · Nose fetishism · Panty fetishism · Pantyhose fetishism · Paraphilic infantilism · Pedophilia · Pregnancy fetishism · Pyrophilia · Robot fetishism · Sadism and masochism · Saliromania · Schoolgirl uniform fetish · Shoe fetishism · Silk/Satin fetishism · Smoking fetishism · Sneezing fetishism · Sock fetishism · Somnophilia · Spandex fetishism · Spectrophilia · Spitting fetishism · Statuephilia · Sthenolagnia · Stocking fetishism · Stuck fetishism · Suit and tie fetishism · Teratophilia · Tickling fetishism · Tightlacing · Total enclosure fetishism · Transformation fetish · Transvestic fetishism · Trichophilia · Troilism · Uniform fetish · Urolagnia · Vorarephilia · Voyeurism · Wet and messy fetishism · Xenophily · Zoophilia

Yes, I know -- there are so many fetishes to choose from. Actually, everyone has a fetish of some sort. This is just my theory but every ex-girlfriend I've ever had in my life has demonstrated some desire to experience a specific fetish. A lot of these fetishes are harmless but a few of them make any person ask, "What the Fuck?!"

For example:

Abasiophilia: This fetish involves a strong sexual attraction to people with prosthesis or people in a wheelchair. If someone is missing a leg, someone with abasiophilia would be all over that. This doesn't necessarily mean that someone has abasiophilia simply because they are in a relationship with a disabled person -- but a person suffering from this will only seek out the disabled.

Aquaphilia: Aquaphiliacs like to do it in the water -- hot-tubs, swimming pools, oceans, lakes, streams, ponds, rivers, sounds, etc. If there is water involved, they're game!

Chronophilia: This is a fetish that causes people to want to get it on with someone a decade older or younger than he or she is. Chronophiliacs are people who, in their 20's, would date 40+ year olds. However, most men could be considered Chronophiliacs if a MILF is involved (look it up!).

Dacryphilia: Dacryphiliacs like to watch people cry. Strong emotional responses cause them to "get off."

Emetophilia: Emetopliliacs like to watch other people throw up. WTF?

Klismaphilia: The desire to or deriving pleasure from giving enemas. No, no, no! So wrong!

Spectrophilia: People who have a strong sexual attraction to ghosts and spirits. They will often sit next to an open window and fantasize about a ghost coming in and raping them or giving them oral pleasure. Again, WTF?

Somnophilia: This is someone who enjoys waking up another person using erotic caresses, fingering, licking, sucking, fucking, etc. This one is actually kind of cool. I definitely wouldn't complain.

Making a Huge Change in One's Life

2007-02-25T23:21:00.000-05:00

There are many various ways to look upon the meaning of life, but one of the best views that I have accepted as the most paramount is that life is about learning and growing. Everyone has, at one time or another, made very large mistakes. When I look at my own life, I realize that there are primarily two different kinds of mistakes.

Mistakes born out of bad habits:
These mistakes are caused by poor habits. A bad habit could encompass many different possibilities but the root of many of my own mistakes have been from habitual laziness and procrastination. The two aren't necessarily the same thing. Laziness is an attitude that one adapts when time seems eternal and that things can be put off until another day. Unfortunately, laziness breeds more laziness until one's entire lifestyle in filled with nothing but excuses for why something wasn't done earlier. Laziness is just one example of a poor habit that has caused me to make many mistakes in my life.

Mistakes from Ignorance:
If one does not honestly understand or know something and proceeds to make a mistake because of this lack of knowledge, this is a mistake caused solely by ignorance. This is the crux of what it means in life to learn from one's mistakes. I've made mistakes while in relationships with women because I was ignorant of their feelings or ignorant of my own feelings and how to interpret them. Everyone will make mistakes born out of ignorance because nobody has yet come into this life with a manual and a map that perfectly lays out all of life's little innuendos.

This brings us to the next point:

The Beautiful Road Ahead -- Changing Old Bad Habits:

The first step in changing a bad habit (or learning to adopt a good habit) is to accept that you are not perfect and have a habit of doing something that should not be done *OR* you have a habit of not doing something that should be done. The first step in making a radical change in one's life is to do the following.

1) First, clean up your surroundings. If your place is messy, clean it up and organize things. This sets the tone for your mind to get into a more organized and stream-lined mode of thinking. Excess clutter around you does not help in allowing you to easily sort out your feelings. It also adds a small level of stress that generally goes unnoticed.

2) Sit down at your favorite table, desk, etc. with a pad of paper and a pencil. Make a list of all the things that you have been putting off and need to get done as soon as possible. Focus your thoughts on the future and organize them into a coherent stream so that things get done.

3) Do step 2 each day for 30 days. Every night (or in the morning), give yourself 15-20 minutes of "me time" and make this a habit. List things that you need to accomplish. Sort out your feelings from the previous day and move on from things that you can not control.

Everyone has their own unique style to living and their own habits, but I believe that some habits should be universal for everyone. Everyone should want to educate themselves throughout their life. Everyone should want to help another person and contribute to their community. Everyone should learn to "let go" of things that he or she is powerless to change while, at the same time, learning to forgive oneself for mistakes made in the past.

The nice thing that I have noticed about life is that when I make constructive changes in my own life, the rewards are always much greater than I anticipated. Also, no matter what mistakes one has made in the past, pick a day (hopefully today) and choose to make that the first day of a glorious and exciting rest of your life.

Funny Story

2007-02-25T14:28:00.000-05:00

My best friend Aaron called me and asked, "Kramer, I'm replacing this device on my hot water heater. I have a box with a red and black wire coming out of it and the water heater has a white and a gray wire -- what do I do?"

"Well, how was the old box hooked up?"

"I don't know, I didn't bother to look at it when I disconnected it."

Typical Aaron. So, I went online and googled how to hook up the four different wires but I couldn't really find anything authoritative enough to give me that warm fuzzy feeling that I wouldn't cause Aaron to blow up his basement or burn his house down, so I did what any self respecting guy would do.

"Aaron, hook the red wire up to the white wire and the black wire up to the gray wire."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"Really?"

"Just do it. Be like Nike."

He said he would call me back in five minutes but it has been 15 minutes now. I wonder what is taking him so long?

Theme?

2007-02-24T11:32:00.000-05:00

I need to push and prod my blog into more of a theme since it is quite random. I'll work on that, but first I need to think of a good theme that encompasses three different things (travel, women / sex, men's health?).

Last night was a fun night. I went downtown to Annapolis and hung out at Acme Bar and Grill. They have a nice motto in that bar, "Think Globally, drink locally." I've always thought that was cool and wanted to share it with you. I went solo but still had a great time. Without exageration, I probably know every bartender in Baltimore and Annapolis -- and many in Washington D.C. I've also gotten to the point where I bump into many of the same people when I go out, so I'm never really "alone."

I was sitting at the bar drinking and talking to the bartender when this girl next to me said, "would you like to do a shot with me?" This wasn't a fat and ugly chick, either -- this was probably an 8. I looked at her and said, "sure." At this point, I was in my winding down stage but one shot wouldn't kill me. She asked me what kind of shot I wanted and I told her to choose since she was the one to offer. Actually, I said I like surprises so go ahead and surprise me. She picked out some completely sour contrapetion that caused me to pucker up completely. Right after we did the shots, a guy came over and squeezed his way between the two of us and started talking to her. From her body language, I knew it wasn't someone she knew.

I debated on whether to say anything at this point to him. I thought the girl was very attractive but I wasn't in the mood to go home with anyone or even to get a girl's number -- I'm just not interested right now (maybe next week??). Then I started thinking from her perspective and, judging from her body language, it seemed like she was not having a good time with him there. So, I tapped him on the shoulder and just said, "are you getting a drink, buddy? I'm trying to talk to my girlfriend." (I lied, for her sake) He gave me this drunken look that screamed out, "I'm so drunk I don't know what I'm doing here." I sort of pushed him aside and turned back to her and jokingly said, "I saved you, you owe me now!"

She then started telling me about her job as a legal secretary and got very touchy-feely with me. I wanted to live in the moment, so I got a little touchy-feely back. She pulled her stool directly against mine and faced me and opened her legs so that each of her legs were on both sides of my stool with my legs in the middle -- talk about body language there! Obviously there was a strong "vibe" taking place. I actually started to get that "pre-woozy" high that one feels before the "magic feeling" begins.

One thing I've noticed that is really helpful when talking to someone is to really look into their eyes while they are talking about this and that. Not only does it draw two people deeper into conversation, but it also gives me a better ability to detect when someone is bullshitting me. As she talked, I looked into her eyes and noticed what I felt to be a lot of pain inside of her. I can't place how or why I knew this, but I just knew. The more I talked to her, the more I realized my initial hunch was correct. At this point, I could have taken complete advantage of her but I don't want to do those type of things anymore in my life. Instead, I purposely tried to put myself in her "friend's box" and let her pour out her problems on me so that she'd feel a little better before going home. Yes, I know -- this is completely opposite of what a guy is normally supposed to do.

However, I will say this. Listening to a stranger talk about her life and trying to help her from a completely neutral standpoint is amazing. The experience also gave me a chance to tell her about some issues that were going on in my life and to ask her what she thought of them. In a way, I completely busted through the ice and went straight into some of the most personal subjects. To my surprise, she remained touchy-feely throughout the conversation. At the end, she asked for my phone number (which I gave to her). In retrospect, I probably should not have done that. Then again, women never call when you give them your phone number so it really doesn't matter either way.

All in all, it was an interesting night. One of my best friends even started texting me quotes we shared years ago and I had to text back where the quote came from. I love my friends that make life so interesting. :)

What happened to U.S. News?

2007-02-22T20:57:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe that our major news networks are more concerned with Britney Spears checking into a rehab center and Anna Nicole Smith's body than things that REALLY matter. What in the name of fuck is going on with our society? Who gives a shit about this kind of stuff and why is it making headline news? Wow, we are really in dire straits.

Hitting Rock Bottom

2007-02-22T16:47:00.000-05:00

They say that when you hit rock bottom, the only place left to go is up. What they fail to mention is that it is possible to drag your ass across the rocks for a bit of time before getting back on course. This isn't necessarily a complaint -- if life didn't have moments of despair and anxiety, we'd live in a world too close to that of paradise. In essence, we would never really learn anything. Pain and suffering exist because they teach us that this world is not fair, nor is it a paradise. However, it is a vast playground that we can use in any way that we feel comfortable in doing so.

A lot of my life today is analogous to the feeling of watching a train as it departs its station with a loved one on board. I see her face pressed against the glass window frantically waving while crying. I chase after the train until I can run no faster -- but the train ultimately wins. The woman is a symbol of many things in my life -- the loss of innocence, the loss of love, the loss of control, the loss of regularity and perhaps even the loss of a part of myself.

I've had to deal with that scenario on a few occasions. Once, while in England, I had the British Flag on my key-chain. I was gripping and rubbing it with my thumb to keep from crying. I had just left someone I was very much in love with and I had to fly thousands of miles back. A security guard saw how despondent I was and asked, "Union Jack? Are you British?" At the time, I could only mumble, "I wish" as I fought desperately to keep from tearing up in a public place. REAL MEN DON'T CRY -- NOT IN PUBLIC. Blah ... whatever.

The same thing happened to me in NYC -- but this time with a train. It is a real kick in the ass to look at someone in the eyes that you love deeply only to have the train doors slam shut between you. Ouch.

Life is nothing but a series of hard lessons -- loss after loss. Some go willingly, some go fighting for another chance, some go expectantly -- but no matter who you are or how strong you are, everything eventually goes at some point. Time makes sure of that.

Then there is the beautiful idealism within my heart. I don't want to have to keep saying goodbye. I don't want to have to keep feeling bits and pieces of my heart getting torn off until I become so numb to the sensation that I forget what it means to love with all my heart (or what is or what was left of it at the time).

Love is beautiful and life is beautiful -- don't get me wrong. If I never felt the need to cry inside, I'd be heartless. If I never knew what it was like to feel betrayed, I could never extend more love to those who valued trust. As life keeps trying to beat me down so that I play by its rules, I continue to thrust my idealism and passion upon space and time -- I continue to lash against them both. Time may kill me -- space may push those with whom I share the deepest love with (or keep them far away), but my idealism and compassion will overcome both of these things. Being human, I've been given the gift of free-will by G-d, which I firmly believe is the greatest gift of all. I have been given the ability to forgive -- which is something I try to do on a regular basis. If G-d is so perfect of a being and loves me enough to forgive my most egregious trespasses, why can I not extend such a godly concept to those that I know in my heart to be good people that occasionally fuck up royally? Of course I will forgive them -- it is the noble thing to do. In fact, it is the *human* thing to do.

Ahh, how contradictory life can seem to someone with a heart filled with passion. It is the hardest lash of a proverbial whip that causes us pain and tears, but also fills us with resolve and compassion. The harder I've been hurt and beat down, the more I want to rise up and run faster against my oppressors -- whatever or whomever they may be.

It is a subtle moment of realization in my heart when I realize that the very moment that I've been tortured, chained and challenged by the hands of fate -- it becomes the very moment when I can pull myself up, stand naked against the world, and smile with the realization in my head that, "although you may hurt me, grab my heart and cause me the worst pains imaginable, the fact that I'm human and a little part of G-d means that I have much more power than anything that could ever oppress or slow down my indomitable spirit.

... and in the instant in life where I pass away, the life I lived and the lives I've touched will leave an ineffable mark upon humanity -- I will have been able to fly without wings for just a moment and rise up above all else and see the world, as well as my life, for what it really is -- a test of character and resolve.

It is the most important test any of us will ever take in our lives. We can't cheat on this test, but it is an open book test -- those books being the friends, love and family we choose to embrace as we go through the years.

The World is an Infinite Sandbox

2007-02-21T22:12:00.000-05:00

What amazing possibilities exist in this world when one truly releases himself (or herself) from machine-like desires, crushes, flings, oneitis, etc. -- call it what you will, but for one of the first times in my life, I've given up completely on love and relationships and I feel so amazingly pure and free. What does it all mean, though? Well, I'll explain ...

First, I do believe that pure love does exist. I believe in a symbolic and pure spiritual entanglement that can turn into a most beautiful and poetic moment between two souls. I've spent some time releasing myself from a lot of the chains and prison bars that I had placed myself behind. I had spent a lot of my last few years trying to chase after love or to repair previous relationships and save them -- but I always felt a bit like a dog chasing his own tail. For once in my life, I've resigned myself to being single -- I've reached inward and acknowledged that many of the beautiful relationships and memories that I've accumulated over the past few years were not all in vain. In essence, one does not need to command an apple-tree farm in order to enjoy the taste and substance of biting into a fresh apple.

I have a lot of work to do towards my future and I'm ready to do it. I've been under the illusion that I've met a woman who truly stood out among others but that was just an illusion -- all women are like any other. That isn't necessarily a bad thing -- it is a fact of life. There doesn't exist a "unique" woman. Well, I take that previous comment back. There does exist a very unique woman, but I haven't met her yet. Every other woman that I've met is more machine-like than truly free. They are all out chasing a fantasy that could never really exist in this world and, in the process, they give up some very precious things in the process. I can't blame them, though -- I've done some of the exact same things. However, today I have decided to quit being a machine. I'm tired of living my life based on genetic impulses and the need to fulfill biological functions such as procreation just to spread my own genes.

I want to break far away from that and begin something unique in my own life. Today I've finally learned to press the "reset" button.

I am breaking off all previous past relationships with every woman I've ever dealt with. I'm moving forward and increasing my own self-worth for my eventual encounter with that "truly" unique woman who really is different from the masses.

*Presses the reset button*

I'm done with it. It has been fascinating and exciting. I've had so many great moments with those from my past. However, that is exactly where I must leave them all -- in my past. I am much too special to waste time with ordinary passions -- I want extraordinary.

Muaaah!!! Bon Voyage happy memories and hello to exciting and refreshing new adventures.

Life is much too short to spend it moping about any one person. Fuck that.