Long Time no Talk

It has been a while since I've made a blog entry because I've been so busy with things but I felt this past weekend definitely deserved one. I'm probably going to come across sounding like a Jr. High kid who just went on his first prom date but I'll try to keep it mature.

This weekend I flew to Colorado to meet my best friend Lynnea. I've known Lynnea for about six years and have only met her once before while in Vegas. I can honestly say that throughout the years, I've always felt a bond with her that is indescibable. I know what you're thinking - "How can you really feel a bond for someone like that when you live so far from her?"

Well, part of it stems from the fact that we've had more phone conversations, online chats and skype sessions than I can count. That allowed us to get to know each other on the inside and become very close friends. There is something very genuine and pure about Lynnea. I've known a lot of women in my life but none as compassionate, spiritual, intelligent and charismatic.

Nervous is a bit too strong of a word to use when descibing my emotional state before she picked me up at Denver International Airport, but any nervousness that I had felt quickly vanished within 10 minutes. I realized at that moment that I was with the same girl I had grown to love and respect after so many years and that we had so much in common.

I won't go into any details about the weekend, but I can say that it was definitely one of the most enjoyable and special weekends of my life. It feels so amazing to meet and be with someone that you love (and they you) unconditionally. I've been on too many "dates" where I or the other person seemed to put up walls, false impressions or just spent more time worrying about what to say than just saying it. I felt none of that with her -- in fact, I felt more calm and comfortable around her than I usually do in general. We went out together and had quite a few "interesting" experiences (like a guy coming up to our table while we had dinner to ask for her number!).

I can't articulate the emotions and feelings into words but suffice it to say that she is an extremely special person and I hope that we always have each other in our lives.

To put it simply, it feels so wonderful to just walk gently yet confidently in love rather than run anxiously and confused through endless unknowns. In other words, when you are with someone and you feel you've been married to them for 20 years, it probably speaks volumes about just how special of a relationship you share with them and how important it is to respect and honor that bond.

I know I will.

/not spell-checking this one tonight

Mild Mannered Reporter by Day ... at Night?

Most of my friends know me as that eccentric genius that is the glue that sort of bonds all the different type of people together. I take pride in being able to relate to almost anyone because I believe that we all have at least one thing in common.

What people *DON'T* know about me is my other side. The side that has fallen off the wagon many times over. That side that rides through life with wreckless abandon. That side that carries some sort of internal anger towards a complicated web of existentialist issues. I love people with all my heart. I generally can sniff out a bit of good in the most evil of people. Although the worst may do what they do with no remorse, I do believe in love and I do believe in compassion.

The most troubling aspect of my life is that I feel my time is running out. I don't know why, but I don't feel like the passion and light inside of me will last forever. You are probably scratching your head wondering just what in the hell I am talking about -- and I wouldn't blame you, either.

Honestly, I am overwhelmed by the world. I want to experience everything but realize that is all but impossible. The world is a huge place and I want to be able to live in all corners of it, but one person can not do that -- not in one lifetime. I would want to wipe away the tears of a crying woman and get to know her and help her, but my passion burns so intensely that I never really get the chance to be with just one for any length of time.

I just hop from one close friendship to the next because that is how it always works out. I have only myself to blame for that. I make the same mistakes over and over, because just when I am ready to embrace something with just a hint of resemblance to something permanent, I spring off into another tangent.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a pinball machine. Sometimes I am the paddle on the left side, sometimes I'm the paddle on the right. Then suddenly I'm the ball getting shot around until I end up ricocheting between two bumpers a hundred times -- god, that is painful. If that were the case, who would be keeping score of my life? Why did I end up in the 5x bonus hole when I could have ended up in the 10x or 25x bonus holes?

Then there are these great monumental disasters in life. A friend that dies, a parent that gets very sick -- a boss that tears into you at a moment of vulnerability that causes you two get two paragraphs into a two-week notice only to delete it and leave early for the day. Is this when the ball comes straight down the middle between the two paddles? All the button pressing in the world won't save the ball -- because it was destined to end up there. Sure, you can shake the shit out of the pinball machine, but then it tilts and the paddles turn off. That's when the ball just bounces around fruitlessly for a little while until rolling back and forth and dropping pathetically between the paddles. The end result is the same -- go out in a blaze of glory slamming the paddles while screaming as the ball disappears or throw the machine back and forth under the assumption that you can override cosmic destiny. Hey, I'm human -- I'm more important and better constructed than a silver metal ball.

Then there are the ultimately profound questions with no answers. If I can run 19.2 miles per hour, why can't I run 19.3? Is there some great mathematical equation that governs our lives? Are we merely little metal balls masquerading around as sentient beings with an illusion of control?

I sat behind a truck carrying large canisters of Oxygen. On the back of the truck were two signs. On the left was a green sign that read, "NON-FLAMMABLE." On the right, a red sign read, "FLAMMABLE." I felt a bit of insanity creep over me. I wanted to back up my car and then run into the truck at full speed to answer just one simple question -- "which sign was ultimately correct?"

... and that's how I feel that I've currently been living my life -- testing a hypothesis by the means of wreckless abandonment for the consequences. Some might call me immature while others would call me just another rebel without a cause. As a guy, I do enjoy dabbling in moments of chaos and order. I respect the intelligent planning and intense will-power to carry through with immense projects that bring order into our world. The beautiful and unique buildings, the bustling streets with cars, etc. Although it may sound sick, I also enjoy it when the wheels come off and I get to witness an amazingly violent and destructive train-wreck. Some are physical in nature, complete with huge fireballs, destructive explosions and shrapnel propelled at super-sonic speeds in all directions. Then there are the mental train-wrecks. We're only human, we do succumb to our environment at times. One of the most painful lessons in life is learning to ... no ... wanting to get back up after we fall -- figuratively speaking of course.

We also live in a world of blatant hypocrisy. As a kid, I grew up with the understanding that older people were always more intelligent and that the government was always good. As a thirty year old, I now realize that many people are lazy, self-serving and ego-centric individuals. Our government is merely a more unified collection of these type of people.

I was taught as a kid that drugs were bad and that drug-users were non-productive, wasteful, unintelligent, disease ridden, abusive and completely criminal in nature. Lo' and behold, as I got older I realized that everything I was taught about drugs was pure bullshit. Nancy Reagan's 80's campaign of "Just Say No!" may have been well intentioned, but she was probably victimized by the same bullshit rhetoric as the rest of us.

If smoking pot is so bad, why are cigarettes still legal? That's real simple -- our government is ultimately not geared towards safety or the common social welfare of the people but about money and power. Heroine, cocaine, opiates, benzos, LSD, barbiturates, MDMA, etc. -- they're all drugs that were once legal but eventually became illegal.

What's the first thing you think of when you hear the word "heroine?" Do you think of some guy in an alleyway or under a bridge tapping his flesh before shooting up his next dose? Notice I said "his," because drugs are always associated with males -- very rarely do you envision women with drug abuse problems. Very rarely do we hear about female drug dealers or drug use in general by females -- save for the runway models at the age of 12 that were already learning about coke to keep thin or the happy L.A. socialites popping vicodin before getting plastered on alcohol at a red-carpet club.

The government does not believe in social, responsible or recreational drug use because, as we all know, drug users are unproductive members of society that increase crime rates wherever they end up. Oh wait, I should amend that statement -- people that use ILLEGAL drugs are unproductive. Those that use caffeine, nicotine and alcohol are generally upstanding members of society. Also, people who use legal crack such as Ritalin or Adderall prescribed by a doctor are also productive. People who are prescribed anything by a doctor are productive -- this includes benzos for stress or sleep, barbiturates and synthetic opiates for pain control (but not mental pain, even though opiates are far better at treating depression than many SSRI's, etc.). Wait, this is the same as illegal drugs? Oh, they're controlled by the government, so that makes it all right. If you do crack on the street from a drug dealer, your ass had better be ready to do a few years, but if you're just an ADHD kid cranked up on Adderall, enjoy yourself.

We're flooded by a bunch of lies while we drown in their hypocritical nature. Drugs don't cause crime levels to increase -- the war on drugs causes them to increase. Why? Because when you make anything illegal, you drive up its value. Things that cost more are worth robbing banks to get. If an eight-ball of cocaine cost $25, I doubt you'd have as many shootings within inner-city ghettos. However, make it illegal and drive the price up over $300 and now there is something worth shooting over, right?

We have more people locked up in our prisons for bullshit offenses than all the European countries combined. Do you feel safer now that Joe is locked away securely instead of smoking pot at his house on a Friday night? I certainly don't.

Meanwhile, pharmaceutical companies continue to line the pockets of our elected officials with cash, free flights and trips to Vegas at the glorious Wynn hotel. If you think I'm paranoid, do the research for yourself. Look at how much money is contributed by pharmaceutical companies. Do you think that congress would EVER pass a bill on drugs that made sense vs. passing a bill that gave them a huge pay day?

There is an old saying. If something doesn't make any sense, just follow the money trail to find out why. If I go out to the corner to buy a dime bag of weed and get caught, I'm in some deep shit. Yet it is perfectly acceptable for someone to light up next to me and spread hundreds of carcinogens into the air for others to breath. Wouldn't that be a form of terrorism to some of our high-strung ultra-conservative elected officials? Shouldn't we ship all these smokers to Guantanamo Bay?

I apologize that this blog went off on a tangent, it was really meant to be two separate blog entries.

Beethoven's Piano Sonata No. 14

As I sit listening to three different compositions of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata while trying to ascertain which composition invokes the most sincere emotions, I find myself falling deeper into the notes themselves. When I close my eyes, I see many things begin to take place.

First, there is the darkness that rushes to fill what was left of my vision. With my eyes kept shut, I look into the blackness and reach out with my soul to find something. I know from deep within my own heart, that "something" I am searching for is love. My idealistic view of the world impresses upon me each day that love is the strongest emotion. I could work hard and make millions of dollars, purchase a large house and drive exotic cars but a type of gripping emptiness would still rest deep within me.

That emptiness is a hole -- a large gapping hole that sits dead center within my chest. The edges of that hole are formed by the many thousands of memories of happy moments shared with women in my past. With my eyes still firmly shut, I concentrate on each note that Beethoven placed in this amazing Sonata. The music resonates with my soul, yet with each piano key that is struck, I feel that hole vibrate. I have so much love and compassion within yet it sits idle as just a ridge around so many distant memories of the trials and tribulations that being in love has given to me.

I look out across this great blackness and realize that my heart is littered with the remnants of hundreds of mistakes made by love. I look into the eyes of years past and ask myself if turning left would have been a better choice than turning right at some distant split in the great path of life. Although I had traversed the road I thought was best, I find myself ever curious of those paths never taken.

And with each new piano key that is softly played, I feel the salty tears begin to form in the corner of my eyes. If I press my eyes shut any harder, I know they will begin to slide down my face. There is so much beauty in the world and so little time to experience it. There are too many roads in which to explore and only one chance to choose between two. Yet these forks in life do not occur once or twice, but over and over again.

Yet, there is that voice -- that soft whisper. It is an echo that amplifies itself from the desire to love and to be loved. It is that great omnipotent and all powerful basic necessity of humanity. That word is love, and it carries itself through the sound of every note played in music and through each stroke of color painted on every canvas. It is sprinkled across every memory left by two hearts intersecting when two become one -- at least for a little while -- in this vast journey through the crazy adventures we call life.

To love but one night, to kiss but then never reunite -- it leaves an ineffable tear of sweet sorrow that rests itself on a small crack within an otherwise unbreakable heart. Had I only kissed her 23 times, half of my regret would be not finding the chance to kiss her a 24th. The other half would be not kissing her still once more.

Subjective Morality

I had a rather interesting discussion with one of my best friends earlier today about the purpose of life. The conversation actually began a few days ago when he sent me an e-mail asking one very short yet difficult question:

If God didn't exist, do you think there'd be any purpose to getting out
of bed in the morning?

My first thought was to ponder if there could be any meaningful purpose within the universe without a supreme-being. Obviously, we all have short and long-term goals that we desperately aim to achieve throughout our lives. The question, however, takes on much more relevance once a more broader question is answered -- in a Godless universe, what ultimately is the point of existence except to merely exist for a short duration within the grand universal time-scale?

I'll take a step back for a moment and presume that this universe was not in any way designed but instead came about by some amazing fluke of nature (this is not what I believe). This being the case, we can now throw away objective morality because no such thing can exist in a Godless universe. As much as atheists believe that you can have morality outside of God, the simple fact is that you can not have true objective morality at all. In a game of survival, what benefits me (or you) is dependent solely upon those resources that surround us. If I were to steal from you and I knew that there would be no ramifications from doing so, it would be to my benefit to steal. An atheist might make the argument that evolution would, very slowly over time, instill a sense of subjective morality and community within individuals. This is an illusion because once the shit hit the fan, it would become a situation where every man (or woman) was for himself (or herself). It sounds cold, frightening and sinister, but that is exactly what a Godless universe would become without objective morality.

I do not consider myself to be religious. I fall somewhere between a deist and a monist. Anyway, what about the original question?

In life, we take those actions which we believe will bring us closer to what I consider to be the ultimate long-term goal -- self-actualization and genuine happiness. There are a lot of theories, proposals and self-help books that claim to be able to bring one to this stage of enlightenment. Unfortunately, it is generally not that simple. Throughout all of our secondary goals in life such as education, earning more income, finding a life companion, reconciling our own internal discrepancies, etc., the most common element that binds all humans is the need to find purpose (through self-actualization) and contentment (through genuine happiness).

I, along with the rest of the greatest philosophers in history, can not prove nor disprove God's existence. It is a matter that rests on the most fundamental principles of faith. Science has brought us far and has given the world many great things such as computers, medical advances and world-wide communication. However, science and all the technology that it has wrought still cannot show us the path to genuine happiness.

What I have learned, though, is that getting up in the morning gives me a chance to experience the world. With every experience, I am shown new ways of thinking. I am provided with a chance to meet others who may think much differently than I, but are still very intelligent and worthy of a good debate.

The question is interesting when compared metaphorically to a much longer time-scale. Getting out of bed may symbolize birth while going to sleep may represent death. Everything that we accomplish in that symbolic one day is a reflection of all the explorations we've embarked upon throughout our life.

In short, nobody gets out of bed simply so that they can eventually slip back into bed to fall asleep. We get out of bed because we know that each day will be slightly different or perhaps greatly different than days already past. We move ourselves with the hope that we will inch closer to solving the impossible. We realize logically that what we ultimately seek may have no clear answer, but the question as it exists within our hearts is filled with a type of beautiful romance.

The heart usually knows things well in advance of the mind. I have ignored my heart in the past only to eventually have my mind "catch up" with the intuition that was already present and correct well before I allowed myself to listen to the answer.

There are several questions that we will carry with us throughout life that have no answers.

Is there really a God?

Does true love really exist?

What is the essence of genuine happiness?

Why is there evil in the world?

To varying degrees, some people may find their own unique answers to the preceding questions. We love another with all our heart with the realization that we could be greatly hurt by them. One can not love another without accepting the risk. That is a part of what makes love so glamorous and adventurous. Without that risk, love would lose much of its luster and excitement.

When we love another, we also employ elements of faith. We realize that by loving another, we are giving a lot of ourselves to them. However, people grow and as they do, their needs and desires change. This is what I speak of when I mention "true love" -- a love invulnerable to that element of change.

Many people are fearful of placing elements of their life in the hands of faith. However, to not place at least some matters of our lives in faith would leave us in a purely logic dominated world where we react in an almost mechanical fashion to the situations and experiences that surround us. Simply put, one of the most quintessential qualities of humanity is rising above a world dominated by cause and effect and asserting free-will within our lives to make both our lives and the world at large a better place to live.

Love / God / Humanity / Experiences / Emotions / Romance / Adventure / Beauty

These are words that should stir the hearts of anyone and make them resolute in their determination to explore the world, both good and bad, and bring some meaning to their hearts from all the experiences and moments they share with others.

What is Love?

(Baby don't hurt me, no more ...) Singing stops here

Wow! How does a GUY write a blog with a title like that? That's equivalent to asking questions like, "Why do I exist," "What's the meaning of life," "Why is there something instead of nothing" and, most importantly, "Why do drive-up ATMs have braille?"

In this blog entry, I will endeavor to do the impossible -- understand women. Just kidding, I will try to define the essence of love with a splattering of beautiful allegory, a sprinkling of quotes and a dash of prose and poetry. In the process, I will most likely fail miserably but to write about love and fail is better than to have never written about love at all.

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."
- Woody Allen

Love as a Shade of Confusion

Woody Allen sums up love beautifully with this quote. Love really is a crazy emotional state to reside in. Love, as the most powerful emotion, can tightly grip one's heart while causing immense amounts of pain and pleasure -- often paradoxically at the same time! It is the only emotion I've experienced that has given me the power and excitement to want to solve all the world's problems simultaneously. Likewise, what love givith, love can takith away -- and with brutal efficiency.

I've loved a woman at least a dozen times in a dozen different ways (emotionally, not physically -- thank you very much Kama Sutra for Dummies). Each time was special in some respect, but there was always a common underlying element -- the need and desire to share something very internal, unique and personal with another person in a way that would eventually completely expose myself to them. My heart.

Ahh, the great institution of love. It starts out like a formal dinner where everyone wears their best pressed clothes. We begin by flirting and courting with our best attributes -- we put on quite a show to show the other person, "I am quite a man, I am quite the catch, and I'm REALLY different then all the others." As time goes on and two people settle into a relationship while gradually and cautiously growing more comfortable with one another, we strip off the three piece suit and enter the "polo and khakis" phase. This stage gives one the chance to say with subtle actions and desires, "Yes, I am the quintessential modern-day metrosexual renaissance man with a flair for the romantic. You have seen me at my best, now look at the rest of my more neutral attributes that will turn out to be those cute little quirks that will make you want to love me even more!"

It is such a joyous and adventurous period of discovery between two people -- but the evil hands of time push those two quickly forward through the blissful naivety phase -- right into the calm before the storm . Time grips the cloth of love soon enough and wrings out every last bit of those "happy feel-good" chemicals that have built up during the beginning of the relationship. Still, everything is beautiful -- the sun is bright, the flowers are in full bloom, the last credit-card bill finally gets paid off and you're ready to max it out again -- in style!

"Honey, why are you wearing a wrinkled t-shirt and ripped jeans out to dinner?"

"Oh, you don't know baby? We're in the comfort phase of our relationship."

Yes, the third stage is underway. One is now ready to bare it all -- every last remaining dirty quirk, selfish fetish, perverted wish and strange desire. With the clean pressed suit long ago removed, a woman is now ready and able to accept me for the man I am. I've already shown her that I'm special -- different than all the other guys. Why continue to show her? Besides, what kind of woman goes to see a movie five times in a row unless she is neurotic, impulsive or a James Cameron fan?

"I don't like it when you ... "

Oh!!! Is this stage four? Our first "official" fight? I'm almost excited at the chance to see this side of you! Yes, the first fight is always the most special one (not just any special but the most special). No man ever forgets his first official fight with the woman he is dating. It is a chance to learn how to argue. It is a chance to heighten our mutual ability to communicate in times of stress and extreme emotions. It is an experience that will help us grow even closer since we are now sharing things ... loudly. Most importantly, it is a sign-post that reads "this is the beginning of the end," but the guy who planted that sign did it so it faces backwards.

"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." - Mark Twain

Love as a Hue of Endurance

When I wrote earlier to imply that stage four is the last stage before the end is near, I was not being entirely accurate. There is a stage five, but so few couples reach it. This is the stage where two people realize that the cycle of love really is not all that different from relationship to relationship but, despite their own relationship now consuming more effort, choose to remain as a couple for the long-term. This is the most beautiful point one can reach in love. It is a testament to the most precious of the human equation -- the ability to give another person something unconditional and eternal. Perhaps it is fear that prevents many from ever seeing this point in love or perhaps it is the addictive properties of fresh love that keeps people constantly shuffling among new lovers.

As many ways as love can blossom between two people, so can it end. Some relationships die a slow, soft demise with each day widening the eternal rift between two hearts that were once willing but ultimately unable. Perhaps in some relationships it was one person that chose to let it end. In others, perhaps it was both. However, there is no deeper sorrow or greater loss than a love that ends when neither wished it so.

It is that one circumstance in life where a man collects himself -- his heart and the last remnants of whatever love was left inside of it. Casually, it comes time to take one's place and sit down at the edge of one side of the great chasm and wave goodbye to her as she sits on the other side waving goodbye back -- no animosity, no regrets, no anger and no ill-will. Though the sun then begins to set while the season reaches its end, the memories from the shared experiences will echo onward across the rest of both of their lives. Now that is the bitter sweetness that love has to offer -- that love will offer -- to everyone at some point.

"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit." - Peter Ustinov