Beethoven's Piano Sonata No. 14

As I sit listening to three different compositions of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata while trying to ascertain which composition invokes the most sincere emotions, I find myself falling deeper into the notes themselves. When I close my eyes, I see many things begin to take place.

First, there is the darkness that rushes to fill what was left of my vision. With my eyes kept shut, I look into the blackness and reach out with my soul to find something. I know from deep within my own heart, that "something" I am searching for is love. My idealistic view of the world impresses upon me each day that love is the strongest emotion. I could work hard and make millions of dollars, purchase a large house and drive exotic cars but a type of gripping emptiness would still rest deep within me.

That emptiness is a hole -- a large gapping hole that sits dead center within my chest. The edges of that hole are formed by the many thousands of memories of happy moments shared with women in my past. With my eyes still firmly shut, I concentrate on each note that Beethoven placed in this amazing Sonata. The music resonates with my soul, yet with each piano key that is struck, I feel that hole vibrate. I have so much love and compassion within yet it sits idle as just a ridge around so many distant memories of the trials and tribulations that being in love has given to me.

I look out across this great blackness and realize that my heart is littered with the remnants of hundreds of mistakes made by love. I look into the eyes of years past and ask myself if turning left would have been a better choice than turning right at some distant split in the great path of life. Although I had traversed the road I thought was best, I find myself ever curious of those paths never taken.

And with each new piano key that is softly played, I feel the salty tears begin to form in the corner of my eyes. If I press my eyes shut any harder, I know they will begin to slide down my face. There is so much beauty in the world and so little time to experience it. There are too many roads in which to explore and only one chance to choose between two. Yet these forks in life do not occur once or twice, but over and over again.

Yet, there is that voice -- that soft whisper. It is an echo that amplifies itself from the desire to love and to be loved. It is that great omnipotent and all powerful basic necessity of humanity. That word is love, and it carries itself through the sound of every note played in music and through each stroke of color painted on every canvas. It is sprinkled across every memory left by two hearts intersecting when two become one -- at least for a little while -- in this vast journey through the crazy adventures we call life.

To love but one night, to kiss but then never reunite -- it leaves an ineffable tear of sweet sorrow that rests itself on a small crack within an otherwise unbreakable heart. Had I only kissed her 23 times, half of my regret would be not finding the chance to kiss her a 24th. The other half would be not kissing her still once more.

Let's Talk about Sex

A lot of my blog entries as of late have been pretty conservative. I'm not accurately showing all of my true colors, though. Deep down inside, I want nothing more than to dye my hair, pick up a guitar, throw on a ripped leather jacket and tour the world as a rock-star.

With that out of the way, let's talk about SEX.

One thing they don't teach you in school during sex education is how to actually have good sex. There are piles of papers and books filled with chapters pointing to numerous studies on sexually transmitted diseases, the implications of alcohol abuse and date rapes, avoiding pregnancy, the proper use of various prophylactics, etc., but completely absent from all of my Jr. High sex ed classes were materials geared specifically on more pertinent issues such as making a woman's head explode by ravaging her inside and out with amazing, yoga inspired Buddhist love tricks.

If they can sponsor and fund advanced studies that find the effectiveness of birth control while a woman is inseminated upside down hanging from a rope on the ninth day of pre-ovulation and narrow their findings to the thousandth decimal point, why can't they unravel the mystery of why less than 30% of women can successfully reach orgasm through penile-vaginal intercourse?

I'll admit, the first time I found myself between a woman's legs, I went in on a wing and a prayer. It was dark, I was sixteen and my heart was beating out of my chest. I had previously done some stage work as a young teen. Walking out on the stage is always a rush because once the curtains open, you must empty your mind and become your character and just dive into the part.

And dive I did, but what I was really doing was biding my time -- a little light nibble with my lips on her inner thigh, a light little stroke with my tongue down her other one while a thousand thoughts went racing through my head raising the question of how I would approach the main act.

"Mrs. Simons, how do you eat a chick out?"

Yes, I had fantasized about asking that very question in class but it would have been too crude and left me wide open for ridicule from those in the class that were already experienced. It needed to be rephrased perhaps.

"Mrs. Simons, if I were to perform cunnilingus on a female's outer and inner labia while slowly making my way towards her clitorus, what would be the best method to venture into that great unknown?"

No, no, no -- I had to break out of my imagination and get ready to perform. I could feel her hands grabbing at the sheets. Her moans were becoming more exagerated and expressive. The curtains were coming apart and my moment on the main stage was quickly approaching.

I'm sure you have seen cartoons where an angel appears on one shoulder and the devil appears on the other, right? Well, in my circumstance I had Dr. Ruth on one shoulder and Adam Carolla on the other.

"You must move in slowly while applying light circular motions with your tongue while gently increasing the pressure as you move up. Treat her precious hoo-haa like an ice-cream cone on a hot summer day -- making sure that none of the ice-cream gets away!"

"No, fuck that! Ruthie baby shut up. Listen Aphex, just move in there like Caesar crossing the Rubicon ready to make Rome his bitch! Show her who the man is! Dominate her! Surprise the shit out of her by giving her a quick rim job around her ass! Suck and lick it like it's your last meal! Put the GOOD GOD back into the G of her G-spot! Tear it apart, dude!"

Oh dear, what to do ... (proceeds to flick Ruth off my shoulder)

In retrospect, I did a great job. In fact, she told me I was the best ever. That's quite a compliment coming from a virgin! I know what you're thinking though. "Oh Christ, here's yet another guy on the internet posting a blog about how great he is in bed. Like we've never heard this bullshit before."

You're absolutely right -- if I didn't know me, I would probably think the same thing, too. However, the fact is that I *am* that good. One of my favorite things to hear from a woman is, "I can't cum through sex." I love a challenge, and that's just begging to set up the ultimate dual -- the invincible and amazing love machine vs. Miss "I just can't orgasm with a penis in me" woman. It becomes a great cosmic puzzle akin to asking, "what would happen if you put an unstoppable super bomb inside an impenetrable box that is impervious to explosions?"

The simple answer is this: If the bomb were me, your box would explode.


To be continued in PART II ...

Subjective Morality

I had a rather interesting discussion with one of my best friends earlier today about the purpose of life. The conversation actually began a few days ago when he sent me an e-mail asking one very short yet difficult question:

If God didn't exist, do you think there'd be any purpose to getting out
of bed in the morning?

My first thought was to ponder if there could be any meaningful purpose within the universe without a supreme-being. Obviously, we all have short and long-term goals that we desperately aim to achieve throughout our lives. The question, however, takes on much more relevance once a more broader question is answered -- in a Godless universe, what ultimately is the point of existence except to merely exist for a short duration within the grand universal time-scale?

I'll take a step back for a moment and presume that this universe was not in any way designed but instead came about by some amazing fluke of nature (this is not what I believe). This being the case, we can now throw away objective morality because no such thing can exist in a Godless universe. As much as atheists believe that you can have morality outside of God, the simple fact is that you can not have true objective morality at all. In a game of survival, what benefits me (or you) is dependent solely upon those resources that surround us. If I were to steal from you and I knew that there would be no ramifications from doing so, it would be to my benefit to steal. An atheist might make the argument that evolution would, very slowly over time, instill a sense of subjective morality and community within individuals. This is an illusion because once the shit hit the fan, it would become a situation where every man (or woman) was for himself (or herself). It sounds cold, frightening and sinister, but that is exactly what a Godless universe would become without objective morality.

I do not consider myself to be religious. I fall somewhere between a deist and a monist. Anyway, what about the original question?

In life, we take those actions which we believe will bring us closer to what I consider to be the ultimate long-term goal -- self-actualization and genuine happiness. There are a lot of theories, proposals and self-help books that claim to be able to bring one to this stage of enlightenment. Unfortunately, it is generally not that simple. Throughout all of our secondary goals in life such as education, earning more income, finding a life companion, reconciling our own internal discrepancies, etc., the most common element that binds all humans is the need to find purpose (through self-actualization) and contentment (through genuine happiness).

I, along with the rest of the greatest philosophers in history, can not prove nor disprove God's existence. It is a matter that rests on the most fundamental principles of faith. Science has brought us far and has given the world many great things such as computers, medical advances and world-wide communication. However, science and all the technology that it has wrought still cannot show us the path to genuine happiness.

What I have learned, though, is that getting up in the morning gives me a chance to experience the world. With every experience, I am shown new ways of thinking. I am provided with a chance to meet others who may think much differently than I, but are still very intelligent and worthy of a good debate.

The question is interesting when compared metaphorically to a much longer time-scale. Getting out of bed may symbolize birth while going to sleep may represent death. Everything that we accomplish in that symbolic one day is a reflection of all the explorations we've embarked upon throughout our life.

In short, nobody gets out of bed simply so that they can eventually slip back into bed to fall asleep. We get out of bed because we know that each day will be slightly different or perhaps greatly different than days already past. We move ourselves with the hope that we will inch closer to solving the impossible. We realize logically that what we ultimately seek may have no clear answer, but the question as it exists within our hearts is filled with a type of beautiful romance.

The heart usually knows things well in advance of the mind. I have ignored my heart in the past only to eventually have my mind "catch up" with the intuition that was already present and correct well before I allowed myself to listen to the answer.

There are several questions that we will carry with us throughout life that have no answers.

Is there really a God?

Does true love really exist?

What is the essence of genuine happiness?

Why is there evil in the world?

To varying degrees, some people may find their own unique answers to the preceding questions. We love another with all our heart with the realization that we could be greatly hurt by them. One can not love another without accepting the risk. That is a part of what makes love so glamorous and adventurous. Without that risk, love would lose much of its luster and excitement.

When we love another, we also employ elements of faith. We realize that by loving another, we are giving a lot of ourselves to them. However, people grow and as they do, their needs and desires change. This is what I speak of when I mention "true love" -- a love invulnerable to that element of change.

Many people are fearful of placing elements of their life in the hands of faith. However, to not place at least some matters of our lives in faith would leave us in a purely logic dominated world where we react in an almost mechanical fashion to the situations and experiences that surround us. Simply put, one of the most quintessential qualities of humanity is rising above a world dominated by cause and effect and asserting free-will within our lives to make both our lives and the world at large a better place to live.

Love / God / Humanity / Experiences / Emotions / Romance / Adventure / Beauty

These are words that should stir the hearts of anyone and make them resolute in their determination to explore the world, both good and bad, and bring some meaning to their hearts from all the experiences and moments they share with others.

Moving to California

As the autumn draws nearer, I'm stuck decided between moving to New York or California. Both of these places represent who I am a lot more than Annapolis does. New York City will be the most expensive, but LA / Orange County / San Diego would also be up there. It depends also on the available job prospects that are available. I'm inclined to move to California, though. It is a nice break (change) from the East Coast.

It will be much easier to sell my stuff and start fresh in either place -- which is exactly what I plan to do.

I'll leave with some lyrics from Led Zepplin:

Spent my days with a woman unkind, Smoked my stuff and drank all my wine.
Made up my mind to make a new start, Going To California with an aching in my heart.
Someone told me there's a girl out there with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair.
Took my chances on a big jet plane, never let them tell you that they're all the same.
The sea was red and the sky was grey, wondered how tomorrow could ever follow today.
The mountains and the canyons started to tremble and shake
as the children of the sun began to awake.

Seems that the wrath of the Gods
Got a punch on the nose and it started to flow;
I think I might be sinking.
Throw me a line if I reach it in time
I'll meet you up there where the path
Runs straight and high.

To find a queen without a king,
They say she plays guitar and cries and sings... la la la
Ride a white mare in the footsteps of dawn
Tryin' to find a woman who's never, never, never been born.
Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams,
Telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

You Never Know ...

Yesterday was a grueling long day at the office since I was left in charge of making sure that both of our offices (DC and Annapolis) ran smoothly. After work, I immediately went to downtown Annapolis and started bar-hopping alone.

The great thing about going out alone is how quick and easy it is to do so. Since I know so many bartenders and people, I usually always bump into someone I know and, voila, I'm no longer drinking by myself! I headed over to Acme Bar and Grill on Main Street and quickly started to consume copious amount of beer. I needed to shake my rough day off and get a nice buzz going so I could start to contemplate the greater issues in life like what kind of appetizer I wanted to eat.

To my right were two girls engaged in girlie gossip. One turned to me and asked, "why are you sticking your fingers through holes in your coaster?"

"Because they were already there and I love sticking my fingers into holes," came my coy reply while smiling back at her.

I have no idea why they made coasters with two holes in them, but it was some type of novelty St. Patty's Day coasters.

To my left was this guy who seemed really cool. We started talking about the music that was playing on the XM radio in the bar and we immediately dived right into the most amazing, philosophical banter I've ever had in a bar. Granted, I've had a lot of political and philosophical debates with people in a bar, but this guy was off-the-charts intelligent. He was in his late 30's and an absolute expert in music. I rarely find someone who knows more than me when it comes to music but this guy put my music knowledge to absolute shame.

We talked about the upcoming elections, the war in Iraq and past presidents. Halfway into our conversation about Iraq, I learned that his brother, a high ranking diplomat for the State Department, was killed while in Iraq. It always makes this entire bullshit war that much more personal when you hear stories from people who have lost their own brothers or sons in this tragic war.

After talking for some time, I eventually learned who this man was -- a very prominent and well-known D.J. in D.C. I felt slightly better about getting my ass handed to me when it came to music trivia. We'll call this D.J. "Jim."

Another guy came in and started talking to him. I didn't recognize him but this guy was also super-intelligent when it came to music. I felt like I was now sitting in a bar that was an exclusive hang-out for people who were music connoisseurs.

After Jim talked to this new guy for a few minutes, he turned to me and said, "Kramer, I'd like to introduce you to Jimmy -- the lead singer from the band Jimmy's Chicken Shack."

Woah! This was *the* Jimmy I had always admired back in the day. Jimmy's Chicken Shack never became quite the national sensation that a band like Better than Ezra became, but they were extremely well known on the East Coast and had managed to land a contract with Island Records before that label went bankrupt. I tried to challenge Jimmy with some music trivia concerning 80's "one hit wonder" hands but he handed me my ass after shuffling it like a Rubik's cube. The lesson to be learned here is that no matter how good you think you are when it comes to music, you don't challenge the likes of Jimmy unless you're prepared to lose in style. That's like challenging Chuck Norris to a few rounds of soft-contact karate. Chuck Norris doesn't do soft-contact.

It was a great night because I was invited out to an event Wednesday night with the D.J. and he asked me to bring some of my music. I found out through the course of our discussion that he had never heard of more esoteric bands like Gotan Project or Cinematic Orchestra, so this just may very well be an opportunity for me to learn more about DJ'ing in general and to actually get my feet wet!

Sometimes you never know who that person is sitting next to you unless you strike up a conversation!

Oh! If you haven't already discovered this musical gem for yourself, here is an excellent music site to explore -- Ishkur's Electronic Music Guide

What is Love?

(Baby don't hurt me, no more ...) Singing stops here

Wow! How does a GUY write a blog with a title like that? That's equivalent to asking questions like, "Why do I exist," "What's the meaning of life," "Why is there something instead of nothing" and, most importantly, "Why do drive-up ATMs have braille?"

In this blog entry, I will endeavor to do the impossible -- understand women. Just kidding, I will try to define the essence of love with a splattering of beautiful allegory, a sprinkling of quotes and a dash of prose and poetry. In the process, I will most likely fail miserably but to write about love and fail is better than to have never written about love at all.

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."
- Woody Allen

Love as a Shade of Confusion

Woody Allen sums up love beautifully with this quote. Love really is a crazy emotional state to reside in. Love, as the most powerful emotion, can tightly grip one's heart while causing immense amounts of pain and pleasure -- often paradoxically at the same time! It is the only emotion I've experienced that has given me the power and excitement to want to solve all the world's problems simultaneously. Likewise, what love givith, love can takith away -- and with brutal efficiency.

I've loved a woman at least a dozen times in a dozen different ways (emotionally, not physically -- thank you very much Kama Sutra for Dummies). Each time was special in some respect, but there was always a common underlying element -- the need and desire to share something very internal, unique and personal with another person in a way that would eventually completely expose myself to them. My heart.

Ahh, the great institution of love. It starts out like a formal dinner where everyone wears their best pressed clothes. We begin by flirting and courting with our best attributes -- we put on quite a show to show the other person, "I am quite a man, I am quite the catch, and I'm REALLY different then all the others." As time goes on and two people settle into a relationship while gradually and cautiously growing more comfortable with one another, we strip off the three piece suit and enter the "polo and khakis" phase. This stage gives one the chance to say with subtle actions and desires, "Yes, I am the quintessential modern-day metrosexual renaissance man with a flair for the romantic. You have seen me at my best, now look at the rest of my more neutral attributes that will turn out to be those cute little quirks that will make you want to love me even more!"

It is such a joyous and adventurous period of discovery between two people -- but the evil hands of time push those two quickly forward through the blissful naivety phase -- right into the calm before the storm . Time grips the cloth of love soon enough and wrings out every last bit of those "happy feel-good" chemicals that have built up during the beginning of the relationship. Still, everything is beautiful -- the sun is bright, the flowers are in full bloom, the last credit-card bill finally gets paid off and you're ready to max it out again -- in style!

"Honey, why are you wearing a wrinkled t-shirt and ripped jeans out to dinner?"

"Oh, you don't know baby? We're in the comfort phase of our relationship."

Yes, the third stage is underway. One is now ready to bare it all -- every last remaining dirty quirk, selfish fetish, perverted wish and strange desire. With the clean pressed suit long ago removed, a woman is now ready and able to accept me for the man I am. I've already shown her that I'm special -- different than all the other guys. Why continue to show her? Besides, what kind of woman goes to see a movie five times in a row unless she is neurotic, impulsive or a James Cameron fan?

"I don't like it when you ... "

Oh!!! Is this stage four? Our first "official" fight? I'm almost excited at the chance to see this side of you! Yes, the first fight is always the most special one (not just any special but the most special). No man ever forgets his first official fight with the woman he is dating. It is a chance to learn how to argue. It is a chance to heighten our mutual ability to communicate in times of stress and extreme emotions. It is an experience that will help us grow even closer since we are now sharing things ... loudly. Most importantly, it is a sign-post that reads "this is the beginning of the end," but the guy who planted that sign did it so it faces backwards.

"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." - Mark Twain

Love as a Hue of Endurance

When I wrote earlier to imply that stage four is the last stage before the end is near, I was not being entirely accurate. There is a stage five, but so few couples reach it. This is the stage where two people realize that the cycle of love really is not all that different from relationship to relationship but, despite their own relationship now consuming more effort, choose to remain as a couple for the long-term. This is the most beautiful point one can reach in love. It is a testament to the most precious of the human equation -- the ability to give another person something unconditional and eternal. Perhaps it is fear that prevents many from ever seeing this point in love or perhaps it is the addictive properties of fresh love that keeps people constantly shuffling among new lovers.

As many ways as love can blossom between two people, so can it end. Some relationships die a slow, soft demise with each day widening the eternal rift between two hearts that were once willing but ultimately unable. Perhaps in some relationships it was one person that chose to let it end. In others, perhaps it was both. However, there is no deeper sorrow or greater loss than a love that ends when neither wished it so.

It is that one circumstance in life where a man collects himself -- his heart and the last remnants of whatever love was left inside of it. Casually, it comes time to take one's place and sit down at the edge of one side of the great chasm and wave goodbye to her as she sits on the other side waving goodbye back -- no animosity, no regrets, no anger and no ill-will. Though the sun then begins to set while the season reaches its end, the memories from the shared experiences will echo onward across the rest of both of their lives. Now that is the bitter sweetness that love has to offer -- that love will offer -- to everyone at some point.

"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit." - Peter Ustinov

The Beginning of a Long and Winding Road

This is officially my first blog post using blogger -- but definitely not my first blog. It seems that many people have a blog that they maintain and keep current on a daily basis, so I may as well contribute my thoughts and observations about the world.

Since this is my introductory post, I'll tell you a little about myself. I recently turned 30 years old in December. I am a guy that lives in Baltimore, MD. I have always been passionate about life, traveling and exploring new places, meeting new people and learning something new. I'm in the process of designing a large web site that focuses on travel. The site will hold a large database that ranks various bars and clubs throughout the world. It is a very ambitious project, but I'm having a blast getting the structure together and slowly building the foundation for it. I've met a lot of amazing people in my travels and I'd like to work with them in the future as a team so that we can offer an exciting and educational experience for the 20 and 30-something crowd.

I am an IS Director for a major beer distributor during the day. It is a great job that has allowed me the opportunity to not only learn more about social networking, but also to enjoy FREE BEER! (Who could EVER pass up anything that is free -- much less free beer?)

This blog will serve as a place to post my adventures in traveling, dating, sex, etc. Hopefully it gives an inside look at the thoughts and feelings of a man who has just crossed into his 30's.

I hope that all of you can take something interesting away from my blog and, in the process, learn something new about the world. My strongest areas of expertise are finance, economic theory, business and basic law (I'm studying for LSAT exams so I can get into a nice law school within the next two years -- scary stuff!). Of course, I've always been good at computers but I'm trying to get away from that line of work.

Alright, enough of that! This is my first post -- the juicy, exciting stuff will follow soon enough!