Let's Talk about Sex

A lot of my blog entries as of late have been pretty conservative. I'm not accurately showing all of my true colors, though. Deep down inside, I want nothing more than to dye my hair, pick up a guitar, throw on a ripped leather jacket and tour the world as a rock-star.

With that out of the way, let's talk about SEX.

One thing they don't teach you in school during sex education is how to actually have good sex. There are piles of papers and books filled with chapters pointing to numerous studies on sexually transmitted diseases, the implications of alcohol abuse and date rapes, avoiding pregnancy, the proper use of various prophylactics, etc., but completely absent from all of my Jr. High sex ed classes were materials geared specifically on more pertinent issues such as making a woman's head explode by ravaging her inside and out with amazing, yoga inspired Buddhist love tricks.

If they can sponsor and fund advanced studies that find the effectiveness of birth control while a woman is inseminated upside down hanging from a rope on the ninth day of pre-ovulation and narrow their findings to the thousandth decimal point, why can't they unravel the mystery of why less than 30% of women can successfully reach orgasm through penile-vaginal intercourse?

I'll admit, the first time I found myself between a woman's legs, I went in on a wing and a prayer. It was dark, I was sixteen and my heart was beating out of my chest. I had previously done some stage work as a young teen. Walking out on the stage is always a rush because once the curtains open, you must empty your mind and become your character and just dive into the part.

And dive I did, but what I was really doing was biding my time -- a little light nibble with my lips on her inner thigh, a light little stroke with my tongue down her other one while a thousand thoughts went racing through my head raising the question of how I would approach the main act.

"Mrs. Simons, how do you eat a chick out?"

Yes, I had fantasized about asking that very question in class but it would have been too crude and left me wide open for ridicule from those in the class that were already experienced. It needed to be rephrased perhaps.

"Mrs. Simons, if I were to perform cunnilingus on a female's outer and inner labia while slowly making my way towards her clitorus, what would be the best method to venture into that great unknown?"

No, no, no -- I had to break out of my imagination and get ready to perform. I could feel her hands grabbing at the sheets. Her moans were becoming more exagerated and expressive. The curtains were coming apart and my moment on the main stage was quickly approaching.

I'm sure you have seen cartoons where an angel appears on one shoulder and the devil appears on the other, right? Well, in my circumstance I had Dr. Ruth on one shoulder and Adam Carolla on the other.

"You must move in slowly while applying light circular motions with your tongue while gently increasing the pressure as you move up. Treat her precious hoo-haa like an ice-cream cone on a hot summer day -- making sure that none of the ice-cream gets away!"

"No, fuck that! Ruthie baby shut up. Listen Aphex, just move in there like Caesar crossing the Rubicon ready to make Rome his bitch! Show her who the man is! Dominate her! Surprise the shit out of her by giving her a quick rim job around her ass! Suck and lick it like it's your last meal! Put the GOOD GOD back into the G of her G-spot! Tear it apart, dude!"

Oh dear, what to do ... (proceeds to flick Ruth off my shoulder)

In retrospect, I did a great job. In fact, she told me I was the best ever. That's quite a compliment coming from a virgin! I know what you're thinking though. "Oh Christ, here's yet another guy on the internet posting a blog about how great he is in bed. Like we've never heard this bullshit before."

You're absolutely right -- if I didn't know me, I would probably think the same thing, too. However, the fact is that I *am* that good. One of my favorite things to hear from a woman is, "I can't cum through sex." I love a challenge, and that's just begging to set up the ultimate dual -- the invincible and amazing love machine vs. Miss "I just can't orgasm with a penis in me" woman. It becomes a great cosmic puzzle akin to asking, "what would happen if you put an unstoppable super bomb inside an impenetrable box that is impervious to explosions?"

The simple answer is this: If the bomb were me, your box would explode.


To be continued in PART II ...