I can only assume I must suffer from some mental illness because I seem to be far different from others. Whereas most other people seem content to allow themselves to settle into some comfort zone in their life, I am constantly pushing the envelope, breaking through boundaries and exploring deeper aspects of existence.
I am never content. I feel this deep desire to constantly know more about the world. Unfortunately, in my process of learning more, I also learn that there is ten times more that I don't know. In essence, my pursuit for knowledge is the constant realization that the world -- the universe -- is an exponential downward spiral of continuously expanding and ever deepening knowledge. This morning I wanted to look up one thing on Wikipedia. However, I found myself three hours later looking up a few dozen more articles that were related to the original by a string of almost irrelevant connections.
I accept the fact that I am most likely mad. I occasionally hear voices from the shadows. I hear my name being called a lot. If I were slowly slipping into the depths of insanity, I would have to admit that there is a rather romantic side to that fall. I have been told most of my life from counselors and teachers that I am very passionate about knowledge. I spent the better half of my time in nursery school running around the playground trying to find the heir to King George III because someone had whispered that there was nobility present on the playgrounds. When I was a toddler, I remember this being called "lala" visiting me. It was a small, microphone shaped being that would ask me questions about my time on Earth, etc.
If I do suffer from some type of mental illness, it would make sense. The people I respect most in history all had to fight demons. Van Gogh, as gifted as he was, constantly battled depression and the pangs of insanity. However, his mental illness was most likely the source of his extreme creativity. I am also extremely creative, but look at the world very differently from most people.
My mind constantly races with thoughts and ideas. Even during college, I would completely zone out during a lecture and start constructing the most beautiful and eloquent ideas only to be interrupted with, "JASON! HELLO? It's your turn to read, buddy!" I would be the source of laughter all too often throughout highschool because of my eccentric ways.
Sadly, most people don't seem to appreciate the diversity of knowledge, the compassion of shared experiences and the silly nature of existence itself. I've been called weird, eccentric, stupid, crazy, arrogant, egotistical, cocky, stubborn and a host of other adjectives because of misinterpretations of my being. I have a handful of friends who do know me on a deeper level and know that I would give every last penny that I owned and every last bead of sweat or tear to help another person in a time of need.
I'm just weird. I have accepted who I am. It seems to create a great divide among the people that know me. I either have extremely loyal friends or extremely determined enemies, but there is very little in between. I guess that means I may be doing something right. I would never want anyone who meets and gets to know me to develop neutral feelings. I respect those who fiercely hate me as much as those who adamantly love me.
I am who I am. Bill Cosby once said, "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone." That statement holds a lot of truth. You have to be willing to be the person that you are -- including all your faults along with your best traits. Those who remain your friends are there for you for your entire life. Those who choose to be your enemy most likely do so because they see some aspect within you that reminds them of some aspect of them -- and some people aren't as comfortable with carrying imperfections as someone who is -- let's just say ... bordering on insanity.
If and when the time comes, I'll cross that line. The world possesses infinite beauty. At some point, a mind capable of perceiving infinity will try to do so and that is the moment when someone tries to wear the shoes of God and trips violently on his own face.
Saturday, August 25
Wednesday, August 22
Evil Beyond Recognition
I just have to comment on just how absolutely soulless and immensely evil some of these barbarians are within Iraq. I read this article on CNN recently:
http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/meast/08/22/iraq.boy/index.html
They basically grabbed a five year old kid and doused him with fuel and set him on fire. He is disfigured for life.
On a more fundamental level, I have a hard time understanding how anyone could do this. This goes beyond robbing a bank to get money because someone is greedy or needs a fix. This goes well beyond anything that serves some sort of egotistical purpose at the expense of another. This is pure hatred and evil simmering in the heart of some individual.
It pisses me off to no end when I see his picture. A part of me wants to obliterate the entire region and start fresh but that would put me in the same category as the attackers. Try as I might to wrap my mind around such evil, I can not comprehend it. I can not understand it. I can only accept that humanity is capable of the most horrendous acts. It scares the shit out of me to think that there are people in this world who could do this. It makes me re-evaluate how G-d might view humanity as a whole.
One can ask forgiveness for their own shortcomings and sins, but shit like this makes me want to fall on my knees and ask for forgiveness for the whole of humanity. We're all in this together and shit like this just begs for an explanation but completely lacks one. It is hallow and empty. It is absolutely sickening and scary.
So very sad.
God, please forgive humanity for falling so very far from your grace. It would take infinite compassion to even begin to forgive such acts. I often wonder if there is any scale capable of measuring the amount of love that would be needed to offset such incredible evil. There are good people and there are those who would give everything to a stranger in need because, deep down, they do understand the nature of love and the sense of community within humanity. But this? This is not the work of a man, but of a machine without remorse or spiritual comprehension of his actions. I just need to understand but, in the end, I must accept that in this world -- in this life -- total understanding is beyond my grasp.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/meast/08/22/iraq.boy/index.html
They basically grabbed a five year old kid and doused him with fuel and set him on fire. He is disfigured for life.
On a more fundamental level, I have a hard time understanding how anyone could do this. This goes beyond robbing a bank to get money because someone is greedy or needs a fix. This goes well beyond anything that serves some sort of egotistical purpose at the expense of another. This is pure hatred and evil simmering in the heart of some individual.
It pisses me off to no end when I see his picture. A part of me wants to obliterate the entire region and start fresh but that would put me in the same category as the attackers. Try as I might to wrap my mind around such evil, I can not comprehend it. I can not understand it. I can only accept that humanity is capable of the most horrendous acts. It scares the shit out of me to think that there are people in this world who could do this. It makes me re-evaluate how G-d might view humanity as a whole.
One can ask forgiveness for their own shortcomings and sins, but shit like this makes me want to fall on my knees and ask for forgiveness for the whole of humanity. We're all in this together and shit like this just begs for an explanation but completely lacks one. It is hallow and empty. It is absolutely sickening and scary.
So very sad.
God, please forgive humanity for falling so very far from your grace. It would take infinite compassion to even begin to forgive such acts. I often wonder if there is any scale capable of measuring the amount of love that would be needed to offset such incredible evil. There are good people and there are those who would give everything to a stranger in need because, deep down, they do understand the nature of love and the sense of community within humanity. But this? This is not the work of a man, but of a machine without remorse or spiritual comprehension of his actions. I just need to understand but, in the end, I must accept that in this world -- in this life -- total understanding is beyond my grasp.
Words of Wisdom (A collection of Business Wisdom from Great People)
(will add new stuff as I pick up more pearls)
When dealing with contracts, ask only three things and leave the details to the lawyers.
Also, if both parties feel as though they got screwed, it was probably a good deal.
When dealing with contracts, ask only three things and leave the details to the lawyers.
How much?
How long?
and how do I get out?
Also, if both parties feel as though they got screwed, it was probably a good deal.
Sunday, August 19
Life is Filled with Amazing Pleasures
Yesterday while I was in downtown Annapolis, I decided to buy a nice cigar. I don't usually smoke cigars, but for some reason I wanted one. I wanted a a cigar while enjoying a nice Brandy. Brandy and cigars go together like so many other great things -- wine and cheese, bread and butter, etc.
I thought to myself, "what happened to old the old school traditions? Why can't we bring them back?" It would be so cool to have a nice cigar and brandy party, complete with Texas Hold 'em poker and a lot of great friends to enjoy the night with. Why not splurge a little and go for the very best cigars and brandy? I am determined to have a cigar and brandy party sometime soon. There really isn't anything better in life than getting all of your best friends together, having a room fill up with the smells of expensive cigars and having bottles of brandy to last throughout a few hundred rounds of poker.
Brandy is short for brandywine and is from the dutch word "brandewijn" or "burnt wine." It is basically wine that has been distilled with an alcohol content of between 40 and 60% (80 to 120 proof). Usually brandy is made from grape wine and is generally considered to be an "after dinner" drink. An example of a nice but expensive bottle of brandy is calvados Pays D'Auge.
A cigar is simply a tightly rolled up bundle of dried and fermented tobacco. It comes from the Spanish word "cigarro." There is a rich history surrounding the traditions associated with smoking cigars. Many times, people would buy a cigar and keep it with the intention of smoking it after winning a bet or accomplishing some major feat. The expression, "close, but no cigar," has its roots in this tradition.
I have never routinely smoked cigars, but I generally smoke one during some large event. The last time I enjoyed a good cigar was after my grandmother's funeral. The men in the family got together and we all purchased cigars and lit up together to honor her life -- just as my grandfather would have done had he still been alive. It feels enriching to be able to carry on a tradition within the family, since my grandfather was a cigar and pipe lover. I had never really smoked a cigar before that time. I remember thinking, "no wonder my grandfather loved smoking cigars so much -- it really is nice!" Ahhh, the ebb and flow of life.
So, I would like to organize some interesting parties -- parties with themes in them. It is a lot of fun going out and getting drunk with friends but I want to do more upscale partying.
I have put together a list of different parties I'd like to organize:
Cigar, brandy and poker party.
Wine and cheese party (complete with various types of wine and delicious styles of cheese)
A Mardi Gras mask party (fancy faces party).
A Custom party
I don't think all of my friends would be interested in these type of parties. I have a pretty ecclectic group of friends. Some are more into culture and arts while the others are more into ... the art of drinking endlessly at a cheap bar with a Natty in one hand and a shot in the other.
If you have any ideas for a fun party theme, please let me know!
I thought to myself, "what happened to old the old school traditions? Why can't we bring them back?" It would be so cool to have a nice cigar and brandy party, complete with Texas Hold 'em poker and a lot of great friends to enjoy the night with. Why not splurge a little and go for the very best cigars and brandy? I am determined to have a cigar and brandy party sometime soon. There really isn't anything better in life than getting all of your best friends together, having a room fill up with the smells of expensive cigars and having bottles of brandy to last throughout a few hundred rounds of poker.
Brandy is short for brandywine and is from the dutch word "brandewijn" or "burnt wine." It is basically wine that has been distilled with an alcohol content of between 40 and 60% (80 to 120 proof). Usually brandy is made from grape wine and is generally considered to be an "after dinner" drink. An example of a nice but expensive bottle of brandy is calvados Pays D'Auge.
A cigar is simply a tightly rolled up bundle of dried and fermented tobacco. It comes from the Spanish word "cigarro." There is a rich history surrounding the traditions associated with smoking cigars. Many times, people would buy a cigar and keep it with the intention of smoking it after winning a bet or accomplishing some major feat. The expression, "close, but no cigar," has its roots in this tradition.
I have never routinely smoked cigars, but I generally smoke one during some large event. The last time I enjoyed a good cigar was after my grandmother's funeral. The men in the family got together and we all purchased cigars and lit up together to honor her life -- just as my grandfather would have done had he still been alive. It feels enriching to be able to carry on a tradition within the family, since my grandfather was a cigar and pipe lover. I had never really smoked a cigar before that time. I remember thinking, "no wonder my grandfather loved smoking cigars so much -- it really is nice!" Ahhh, the ebb and flow of life.
So, I would like to organize some interesting parties -- parties with themes in them. It is a lot of fun going out and getting drunk with friends but I want to do more upscale partying.
I have put together a list of different parties I'd like to organize:
Cigar, brandy and poker party.
Wine and cheese party (complete with various types of wine and delicious styles of cheese)
A Mardi Gras mask party (fancy faces party).
A Custom party
I don't think all of my friends would be interested in these type of parties. I have a pretty ecclectic group of friends. Some are more into culture and arts while the others are more into ... the art of drinking endlessly at a cheap bar with a Natty in one hand and a shot in the other.
If you have any ideas for a fun party theme, please let me know!
Wednesday, August 15
Recovering from an Accident
On Tuesday, I went to work -- just like I do on any other normal Tuesday. However, this particular Tuesday would prove to be very different than most. I left work around 9:30am to get some breakfast because I had a lot of work ahead of me and needed the boost in energy. My plan was to skip lunch and just crunch numbers throughout most of the day.
I purchased an egg biscuit and an orange juice from Chick-Fil-A and headed back to work. What happened next was a bit fuzzy to me but I can remember most of it. I was sitting still in my car (an RX-8 which is heavy and low to the ground) waiting to make a left turn onto the street that lead to our Annapolis warehouse. I was sitting there waiting for traffic from the other side of the street to pass. What happened next was easily the most traumatic impact I have ever felt in my life.
I heard what sounded like a stick of dynamite exploding in my backseat. I remember feeling this intense wave of energy just pass through the car. My car was picked up and thrown across the road while doing a complete 180. Apparently, a 76 year old woman was driving a 2007 Corolla and ran into the back of my car without even attempting to stop (there were no skid marks on the road).
As my car was spinning, I felt time slow down. I didn't understand what was happening or why everything in my car was flying in various directions. My cell phone, which had been in my side holster on my hip, was thrown into the back seat. CD's that were up on my visor had been thrown out and shattered throughout the car. When my car finally came to a stop, I remember blacking out for a few seconds. I felt very dizzy and disoriented. My heart-rate then went through the roof and I began to panic, but I couldn't really move. I caught the car that had hit me slowly rolling to a stop behind me with anti-freeze and another liquid pouring out onto the road. I was worried about the other driver and decided to get out of my car. I suddenly felt very dizzy and started to black out again. I didn't realize it, but my head had been thrown back with amazing force. I started to lose consciousness and was afraid I wouldn't be able to control my car from drifting backwards down the large hill.
A man came up to my window seconds later and opened my passenger door. "Are you alright," he asked, but I didn't respond for some reason. I was totally confused and disoriented. "We've called 911, don't move -- an ambulance is on the way."
In what seemed like mere seconds, I saw multiple firetrucks and a paramedic unit arrive. An EMT came up to my driver side and asked if I was hurt. At this point, I started to regain most of my senses. "I'm hurt," I said. He called over to another EMT and said something about getting a neck brace and loading me into the back.
He started asking me some questions about who I was, where I was and what had happened. I knew who I was obviously but I wasn't very sure about what had happened. I remember looking at him and suddenly getting worried that they would forget about my egg biscuit and orange juice. "Please one of you guys eat my breakfast -- I don't want it to go to waste!" The EMT started laughing. "Don't worry, we'll take care of you."
I remember them opening up my front door and back suicide door. They brought a board over and attached a brace to my neck. He then started pulling me out of the car and placed me on the board. They then started placing straps around my body and began taping my head down to the board. After a minute or two, I couldn't move at all. I was completely taped down. I remember looking up and realizing how immensely bright it was in the sky. There were no clouds, the weather was nice and it was just beautiful. I remember squinting at the sun wondering if I was going to be alright. I didn't know if I was paralyzed or what was wrong with me. They asked me if I was bleeding anywhere and I told them that I didn't know. I didn't feel any pain at all because my body was in shock.
They loaded me into the back of the ambulance and began asking me questions. I answered some of them coherently and apparently gave some off the wall answers to some other questions.
"Do you know what day it is?"
"Of course, it is Monday, August 14, 2007."
"Well, you got one out of two right. Not bad."
I remember thinking to myself that I had too much work to get done and that I needed to get out of the ambulance and go back to work. I started to freak out and told them that I didn't have time to go to the hospital -- that I had too much work. The EMT told me I was free to go if I could get out of the straps. Obviously, that wasn't happening because I was completely tied up. He started joking with me about it and we joked back and forth for a bit.
"Do you know where you are, sir?"
"Heaven? And you're all angels, right? We're driving to a strip club?"
He told one of the guys to mark down on the paperwork that my sense of humor was still very much intact. The EMT took my blood pressure and told me that it was pretty high. I told him that it is always high anytime I am near anything related to a hospital. He said not to worry and that they see it all the time when people are in shock.
They unloaded me and began rolling me down long hallways. I started laying down a bunch of one-liners at this point. "Hey, I feel like I'm watching ER!" A few doctors overheard me and laughed. One said, "we've got a comedian this morning!" They stopped me in the middle of a hallway and the EMT guy started talking to a trauma doctor.
"We have a 30 year old male involved in an automobile accident. Neck trauma and upper-back trauma, appears to have lost consciousness several times. Blood pressure is high and heartbeat is extremely high. No past history of any major medical conditions. Blah blah blah ."
"Good morning Mr. Baumgartner, how are you today?"
"You know, you guys need to put artwork on the ceiling for people like me. Counting holes gets old after awhile. Did you know that each of these tiles has exactly 739 holes?"
To be continued shortly ...
I purchased an egg biscuit and an orange juice from Chick-Fil-A and headed back to work. What happened next was a bit fuzzy to me but I can remember most of it. I was sitting still in my car (an RX-8 which is heavy and low to the ground) waiting to make a left turn onto the street that lead to our Annapolis warehouse. I was sitting there waiting for traffic from the other side of the street to pass. What happened next was easily the most traumatic impact I have ever felt in my life.
I heard what sounded like a stick of dynamite exploding in my backseat. I remember feeling this intense wave of energy just pass through the car. My car was picked up and thrown across the road while doing a complete 180. Apparently, a 76 year old woman was driving a 2007 Corolla and ran into the back of my car without even attempting to stop (there were no skid marks on the road).
As my car was spinning, I felt time slow down. I didn't understand what was happening or why everything in my car was flying in various directions. My cell phone, which had been in my side holster on my hip, was thrown into the back seat. CD's that were up on my visor had been thrown out and shattered throughout the car. When my car finally came to a stop, I remember blacking out for a few seconds. I felt very dizzy and disoriented. My heart-rate then went through the roof and I began to panic, but I couldn't really move. I caught the car that had hit me slowly rolling to a stop behind me with anti-freeze and another liquid pouring out onto the road. I was worried about the other driver and decided to get out of my car. I suddenly felt very dizzy and started to black out again. I didn't realize it, but my head had been thrown back with amazing force. I started to lose consciousness and was afraid I wouldn't be able to control my car from drifting backwards down the large hill.
A man came up to my window seconds later and opened my passenger door. "Are you alright," he asked, but I didn't respond for some reason. I was totally confused and disoriented. "We've called 911, don't move -- an ambulance is on the way."
In what seemed like mere seconds, I saw multiple firetrucks and a paramedic unit arrive. An EMT came up to my driver side and asked if I was hurt. At this point, I started to regain most of my senses. "I'm hurt," I said. He called over to another EMT and said something about getting a neck brace and loading me into the back.
He started asking me some questions about who I was, where I was and what had happened. I knew who I was obviously but I wasn't very sure about what had happened. I remember looking at him and suddenly getting worried that they would forget about my egg biscuit and orange juice. "Please one of you guys eat my breakfast -- I don't want it to go to waste!" The EMT started laughing. "Don't worry, we'll take care of you."
I remember them opening up my front door and back suicide door. They brought a board over and attached a brace to my neck. He then started pulling me out of the car and placed me on the board. They then started placing straps around my body and began taping my head down to the board. After a minute or two, I couldn't move at all. I was completely taped down. I remember looking up and realizing how immensely bright it was in the sky. There were no clouds, the weather was nice and it was just beautiful. I remember squinting at the sun wondering if I was going to be alright. I didn't know if I was paralyzed or what was wrong with me. They asked me if I was bleeding anywhere and I told them that I didn't know. I didn't feel any pain at all because my body was in shock.
They loaded me into the back of the ambulance and began asking me questions. I answered some of them coherently and apparently gave some off the wall answers to some other questions.
"Do you know what day it is?"
"Of course, it is Monday, August 14, 2007."
"Well, you got one out of two right. Not bad."
I remember thinking to myself that I had too much work to get done and that I needed to get out of the ambulance and go back to work. I started to freak out and told them that I didn't have time to go to the hospital -- that I had too much work. The EMT told me I was free to go if I could get out of the straps. Obviously, that wasn't happening because I was completely tied up. He started joking with me about it and we joked back and forth for a bit.
"Do you know where you are, sir?"
"Heaven? And you're all angels, right? We're driving to a strip club?"
He told one of the guys to mark down on the paperwork that my sense of humor was still very much intact. The EMT took my blood pressure and told me that it was pretty high. I told him that it is always high anytime I am near anything related to a hospital. He said not to worry and that they see it all the time when people are in shock.
They unloaded me and began rolling me down long hallways. I started laying down a bunch of one-liners at this point. "Hey, I feel like I'm watching ER!" A few doctors overheard me and laughed. One said, "we've got a comedian this morning!" They stopped me in the middle of a hallway and the EMT guy started talking to a trauma doctor.
"We have a 30 year old male involved in an automobile accident. Neck trauma and upper-back trauma, appears to have lost consciousness several times. Blood pressure is high and heartbeat is extremely high. No past history of any major medical conditions. Blah blah blah ."
"Good morning Mr. Baumgartner, how are you today?"
"You know, you guys need to put artwork on the ceiling for people like me. Counting holes gets old after awhile. Did you know that each of these tiles has exactly 739 holes?"
To be continued shortly ...
Sunday, August 12
"Get OFF the Parking Meter!"
My life has recently taken a turn for the more chaotic. I now officially go out basically every night and know way too many people by name. I know homeless people on a first name basis because I've stumbled out and sat next to them to chit-chat while trying to sober up.
Last night was no exception to the increase in craziness. One of my favorite bartenders named Kim got me a few rounds of Vodka. This was on top of everything else I had been drinking since 3pm. Who goes out to start drinking at 3pm on a Saturday unless they're going to a baseball or football game?
By the time the end of the night rolled by, one of the girl's I was with had a run in with one of her ex-boyfriends. It was nasty, so I left the bar and decided to check my car. I noticed I had a ticket on it because the parking meter was totally screwed up. For once, I actually paid attention to the times and put the right amount of money in the meter, but the city still fucked me. I got upset and jumped on top of the meter while shaking it.
I heard over a bullhorn, "GET OFF THE PARKING METER!" It was an Annapolis City cop -- shit. Well, I wasn't about to stop then, so I started slapping the meter while screaming, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY, WHOOOOOOO'S YOUR DADDY!" The cop then said, "GET *****OFF****** OF THE PARKING METER!" I climbed down and started walking down the street. I knew I wasn't about to drive anywhere now because the cop knew who I was.
The cop got out and asked me why I was smacking the parking meter. I recognized the cop vaguely. "I got screwed by a broken parking meter and I was just taking out my anger." He told me I could explain it to the judge. Who goes to court for a parking ticket? Yeah, right. The cop was cool and didn't arrest me for sexually assaulting a parking meter. Had the cop not been there, that parking meter would have gotten it good.
Just another night in nap town.
Last night was no exception to the increase in craziness. One of my favorite bartenders named Kim got me a few rounds of Vodka. This was on top of everything else I had been drinking since 3pm. Who goes out to start drinking at 3pm on a Saturday unless they're going to a baseball or football game?
By the time the end of the night rolled by, one of the girl's I was with had a run in with one of her ex-boyfriends. It was nasty, so I left the bar and decided to check my car. I noticed I had a ticket on it because the parking meter was totally screwed up. For once, I actually paid attention to the times and put the right amount of money in the meter, but the city still fucked me. I got upset and jumped on top of the meter while shaking it.
I heard over a bullhorn, "GET OFF THE PARKING METER!" It was an Annapolis City cop -- shit. Well, I wasn't about to stop then, so I started slapping the meter while screaming, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY, WHOOOOOOO'S YOUR DADDY!" The cop then said, "GET *****OFF****** OF THE PARKING METER!" I climbed down and started walking down the street. I knew I wasn't about to drive anywhere now because the cop knew who I was.
The cop got out and asked me why I was smacking the parking meter. I recognized the cop vaguely. "I got screwed by a broken parking meter and I was just taking out my anger." He told me I could explain it to the judge. Who goes to court for a parking ticket? Yeah, right. The cop was cool and didn't arrest me for sexually assaulting a parking meter. Had the cop not been there, that parking meter would have gotten it good.
Just another night in nap town.
Something Greater than Just "This"
I am a firm believer that life is more than just a fluke of physics that conveniently allowed for our existance yet mistakenly neglected a higher purpose for it. I do believe in a god and I do believe in the importance and value of love. In fact, I believe in these two things so much that I can "feel" it deep within the core of my being.
Lately, I have had a lot of dreams that have proven to be immensely valuable. A few days ago, I had a dream where I was facing a dark dirty door in a pitch black area. At the top of the door was an area that a "being" touched. This area suddenly grew into a brilliant shade of light similar to an emerald green orb. Suddenly we were thrown high into the sky where another orb of emerald green light was present. When the being touched this orb, a string of magnificent green light connected the two orbs.
At this point, I realized what it was. It was a string that I could follow down into a mine. It was a string that would lead me down to the miners that were trapped. I grabbed hold of this brightly glowing green string and felt myself penetrating the earth. I went deep inside the Earth but found nothing. I was greatly depressed for some reason, because I knew in my heart that the miners were dead (at least in my dream).
When I woke up the next morning, the first article I saw on CNN.com's main page was this:
http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/08/09/sanchez.trapped/index.html
The title of the article was "Frustrated family of miner clings to 'one string of hope'." At first, I felt an immense shocked. I wanted to cry, because in some way, God had given me such an immensely emotional dream and then gave me something to confirm (at least to me) that this dream was very symbolic. That brightly colored green string in my dream was the "string of hope" in the article. I realized at that moment that I was given a very unique gift from God. I knew in my heart that the miners were dead, but that they were now with God.
In fact, my entire life has been filled with things like this that I could not explain or even bother telling other people. Most people would assume I was making these things up or, worse still, experiencing psychotic episodes. I have experienced out-of-body sensations for a long time but I've only told my closest friends about them. Most people would assume I was crazy for having these experiences.
I have had other close encounters that have left me face to face with God. I experienced a bit of a drug overdose once that left me in a room that turned mostly grey. I felt my body beginning to shut down but I also felt an overwhelming sense of compassion, love and understanding. I also felt a strong sense of dissappointment on a subconscious level. I remember laying on the floor and having my entire room turn inside out until all I saw what was a very soft and warm light. It was mostly grey, but I remember the distinct feeling of being embraced by love and understanding. I had made a mistake and this being (God?) was projecting a strong sense of dissappointment that was tempered with an infinite amount of love.
There are times when I wish I didn't know these things. I wish I hadn't taken such strong drugs in my past that showed me a vast area of reality outside of what most people understand as everyday reality. I wish I hadn't met God on such a personal level because then I wouldn't feel such an immense amount of responsibility. I can't take things like money, power or fame seriously anymore. The only thing I can take seriously is the importance of love and showing compassion towards others. In the end, it is the only thing worth giving to others.
Sadly, most people on Earth don't understand this. Perhaps it isn't sad, though -- because they aren't faced with such a huge burden. What burden is that? Well, every time I read the news about a killing or a suicide bombing, I feel it. I feel the weight of the world on my soul -- I feel the dissappointment as man falls from the grace of God. I feel overwhelming sorrow at a world filled with such ignorance and evil. In essence, not only do I feel the need to repent for my own transgressions and sins, but I feel the need to repent for those of all humanity. I can feel God's sorrow every time someone kills another or hurts someone else.
There are times when I just can't take the overwhelming amount of emotions and I just want to shut down or escape it all. Yet, I only see a minor fraction of what God can see -- and that must be so painful for God to witness. I wish humanity, on a whole, could rise above greed and ignorance and realize the importance of expressing love towards others.
I go to work every day because I have to make money to survive. Yet, all the money in the world doesn't come close to the feeling of giving someone else unexpected love and showing them that, despite being mere animals, we possess the ability to rise above our physical limitations and embrace the most important aspects of life and living.
Every day I have to struggle with the knowledge that there is so much more than what we see and understand while also accepting that I will always live in a world where most people are incapable of seeing past the physical aspects of humanity.
Lately, I have had a lot of dreams that have proven to be immensely valuable. A few days ago, I had a dream where I was facing a dark dirty door in a pitch black area. At the top of the door was an area that a "being" touched. This area suddenly grew into a brilliant shade of light similar to an emerald green orb. Suddenly we were thrown high into the sky where another orb of emerald green light was present. When the being touched this orb, a string of magnificent green light connected the two orbs.
At this point, I realized what it was. It was a string that I could follow down into a mine. It was a string that would lead me down to the miners that were trapped. I grabbed hold of this brightly glowing green string and felt myself penetrating the earth. I went deep inside the Earth but found nothing. I was greatly depressed for some reason, because I knew in my heart that the miners were dead (at least in my dream).
When I woke up the next morning, the first article I saw on CNN.com's main page was this:
http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/08/09/sanchez.trapped/index.html
The title of the article was "Frustrated family of miner clings to 'one string of hope'." At first, I felt an immense shocked. I wanted to cry, because in some way, God had given me such an immensely emotional dream and then gave me something to confirm (at least to me) that this dream was very symbolic. That brightly colored green string in my dream was the "string of hope" in the article. I realized at that moment that I was given a very unique gift from God. I knew in my heart that the miners were dead, but that they were now with God.
In fact, my entire life has been filled with things like this that I could not explain or even bother telling other people. Most people would assume I was making these things up or, worse still, experiencing psychotic episodes. I have experienced out-of-body sensations for a long time but I've only told my closest friends about them. Most people would assume I was crazy for having these experiences.
I have had other close encounters that have left me face to face with God. I experienced a bit of a drug overdose once that left me in a room that turned mostly grey. I felt my body beginning to shut down but I also felt an overwhelming sense of compassion, love and understanding. I also felt a strong sense of dissappointment on a subconscious level. I remember laying on the floor and having my entire room turn inside out until all I saw what was a very soft and warm light. It was mostly grey, but I remember the distinct feeling of being embraced by love and understanding. I had made a mistake and this being (God?) was projecting a strong sense of dissappointment that was tempered with an infinite amount of love.
There are times when I wish I didn't know these things. I wish I hadn't taken such strong drugs in my past that showed me a vast area of reality outside of what most people understand as everyday reality. I wish I hadn't met God on such a personal level because then I wouldn't feel such an immense amount of responsibility. I can't take things like money, power or fame seriously anymore. The only thing I can take seriously is the importance of love and showing compassion towards others. In the end, it is the only thing worth giving to others.
Sadly, most people on Earth don't understand this. Perhaps it isn't sad, though -- because they aren't faced with such a huge burden. What burden is that? Well, every time I read the news about a killing or a suicide bombing, I feel it. I feel the weight of the world on my soul -- I feel the dissappointment as man falls from the grace of God. I feel overwhelming sorrow at a world filled with such ignorance and evil. In essence, not only do I feel the need to repent for my own transgressions and sins, but I feel the need to repent for those of all humanity. I can feel God's sorrow every time someone kills another or hurts someone else.
There are times when I just can't take the overwhelming amount of emotions and I just want to shut down or escape it all. Yet, I only see a minor fraction of what God can see -- and that must be so painful for God to witness. I wish humanity, on a whole, could rise above greed and ignorance and realize the importance of expressing love towards others.
I go to work every day because I have to make money to survive. Yet, all the money in the world doesn't come close to the feeling of giving someone else unexpected love and showing them that, despite being mere animals, we possess the ability to rise above our physical limitations and embrace the most important aspects of life and living.
Every day I have to struggle with the knowledge that there is so much more than what we see and understand while also accepting that I will always live in a world where most people are incapable of seeing past the physical aspects of humanity.
Wednesday, August 8
The Three Great Separators
I've often thought, with regards to love, what the biggest separators are for two people. I tried to reduce it to as small of a list as possible while still encompassing all the different and possible variables.
The three great separators of love are space, time and emotions. Obviously, space is self-explanatory. If you are distanced from someone you love, it becomes more tying and difficult to express your love for them. Space creates a barrier for intimacy.
The second great separator of love is time. Time is unique because it represents the constant flux that occurs in a relationship. A relationship, by definition, is a union between two people. However, people are constantly in a state of slow and gradual change. Sometimes two people will change together in a common direction, but more often two people will develop greater differences that force them to constantly re-evaluate their relationship. The fact that we loved someone years ago will never change, yet it still stands that we obviously do not love them as much or in the same way as we once did -- hence time pushes all things in various directions and those directions are not always the same. Even the smallest angle will eventually push the end points of two rays millions of miles apart.
The third great separator of love is emotion. Although two people might be close both in space and time, emotions are not always there. Perhaps one person loves another a little more than the other loves them. Perhaps one loves the other slightly before the other started loving them (emotion and time). Unrequited love is painful, though. Perhaps the other is in a relationship while the other is single. There are a million different reasons why emotions might not be present. Perhaps time will change that, or a change in proximity.
Well, those are the three great separators of love.
The three great separators of love are space, time and emotions. Obviously, space is self-explanatory. If you are distanced from someone you love, it becomes more tying and difficult to express your love for them. Space creates a barrier for intimacy.
The second great separator of love is time. Time is unique because it represents the constant flux that occurs in a relationship. A relationship, by definition, is a union between two people. However, people are constantly in a state of slow and gradual change. Sometimes two people will change together in a common direction, but more often two people will develop greater differences that force them to constantly re-evaluate their relationship. The fact that we loved someone years ago will never change, yet it still stands that we obviously do not love them as much or in the same way as we once did -- hence time pushes all things in various directions and those directions are not always the same. Even the smallest angle will eventually push the end points of two rays millions of miles apart.
The third great separator of love is emotion. Although two people might be close both in space and time, emotions are not always there. Perhaps one person loves another a little more than the other loves them. Perhaps one loves the other slightly before the other started loving them (emotion and time). Unrequited love is painful, though. Perhaps the other is in a relationship while the other is single. There are a million different reasons why emotions might not be present. Perhaps time will change that, or a change in proximity.
Well, those are the three great separators of love.
Monday, August 6
What is Sexiness?
Growing up, mainstream society forced a certain impression of "sexiness" down my throat. Ads featuring beautiful, skinny and flawless women could be found everywhere -- billboards, television commercials, magazines, newspapers, bus-stop areas, etc. Sexiness was always something physical and skin deep. It was something only your eyes could enjoy.
However, as I got older, I realized that I had been deceived by clever marketing and misleading subliminal suggestions. Yes, skin does sell products, but in the process of dipping waist deep into consumerism, I neglected the essense of true sexiness. So, I spent some time thinking about what exactly sexy represents and compiled a list.
Sexiness is waking up next to a woman wearing no makeup and having her smile at you with complete self-confidence in who she is as a woman.
Sexiness is realizing that you love someone deeper than the texture of their skin and the growing wrinkles near their eyes.
Sexiness is admitting your imperfections in a way that makes you seem more perfect.
Sexiness is holding her hand at a random moment because you want her to know that you love her and are thinking of her.
Sexiness is learning to laugh together at life's wacky randomness, and not fearing to cry in front of her when life wacks you too hard.
Sexiness is knowing that you won't always say the right things, but realizing that sometimes it is just your voice she needs to hear.
Sexiness is going to a new place together without any pre-arranged plans because you want to experience something new and exciting with just her.
Sexiness is sharing a glass of wine together in silence while taking a bubblebath together while she leans back against you.
Sexiness is getting mud all over your face and having her give you a big hug because she loves you more than she hates getting mud on her face.
Sexiness is never letting go when it sometimes hurts a lot to hold on -- it is the essence of learning to forgive and forget because the two of you are only young souls wrapped in human faults.
Sexiness is inventive. Sexiness is adventurous. Sexiness is spontaneous. Sexiness is expressive. Sexiness is raw.
Most importantly, sexiness is a feeling and not an ad.
Jesus Falls to the Floor
During the wedding, we had communion. Also known as the Eucharist, communion is basically a Catholic tradition of fulfillment of the instructions given in Corinthians 11:24-25. During the Last Supper, Jesus gave his disciples pieces of bread while saying, "this is my body." He also passed around a cup, telling the disciples that "this is my blood."
The word "Eucharist" has its roots in the Greek word "Eucharistia" which roughly translates to thanksgiving. Eucharist is generally viewed as a sacrament by Catholics and as an ordinance by Protestants.
With that aside, I remember once while participating in the sacrament of communion (Catholic Church), I dropped the piece of bread on the floor. I was absolutely mortified -- I had dropped Jesus. Remembering the ubiquitous "five second rule," I realized if I acted quickly enough, I could save that piece of Jesus and still eat it without getting sick. As I reached down to pick it up, the father said, "No!" Why? It was only two or three seconds at most. A piece of Jesus was laying on the floor next to me. It was a perfect moment to symbolize that, yes, Jesus could rise again -- right into my mouth.
The father picked up that particular piece of Jesus and shoved another piece directly into my mouth. It was so unexpected that I started gagging and choking. Would a piece of Jesus now kill me? I didn't have time to react by chewing, I merely swallowed that piece of Jesus whole and grabbed the cup from the father and downed the entire thing.
If I was going to fuck up communion, I was going to do it in style.
The word "Eucharist" has its roots in the Greek word "Eucharistia" which roughly translates to thanksgiving. Eucharist is generally viewed as a sacrament by Catholics and as an ordinance by Protestants.
With that aside, I remember once while participating in the sacrament of communion (Catholic Church), I dropped the piece of bread on the floor. I was absolutely mortified -- I had dropped Jesus. Remembering the ubiquitous "five second rule," I realized if I acted quickly enough, I could save that piece of Jesus and still eat it without getting sick. As I reached down to pick it up, the father said, "No!" Why? It was only two or three seconds at most. A piece of Jesus was laying on the floor next to me. It was a perfect moment to symbolize that, yes, Jesus could rise again -- right into my mouth.
The father picked up that particular piece of Jesus and shoved another piece directly into my mouth. It was so unexpected that I started gagging and choking. Would a piece of Jesus now kill me? I didn't have time to react by chewing, I merely swallowed that piece of Jesus whole and grabbed the cup from the father and downed the entire thing.
If I was going to fuck up communion, I was going to do it in style.
Sunday, August 5
Marriage and Catholic Weddings
My best friend got married yesterday. While in the wedding, I had to stand for a good hour while various portions of the ceremony played out. When I saw the bride start to walk down the isle, I was hit by an overwhelming amount of emotions.
I have known Aaron since we were little kids. We have been through hell and back together, lived together for a few years, traveled to Amsterdam and London, been to countless parties -- Yadda yadda, but now he is married. I'm not sure I really understand it, but I am happy for him. It is strange that all of closest friends save for one are all married -- except me.
The father was a very intelligent man. We spent some time during the rehearsal dinner talking about the Schism, King George and anti-popes, etc. I myself am not Catholic but I do know quite a bit about the religion. Standing in the Loyola Alumni Chapel was impressive - it is a beautiful church. It was quite the experience.
Truthfully, I am not myself lately and I don't know why. Although I've had a great week (New York City with a good friend, countless parties, a wedding, etc.), I feel very disconnected from things. I believe part of that feeling stems from the fact that I am just exhausted, having averaged only a few hours of sleep per night over the past week.
My friend that I took to NYC flew home today. She is quite an amazing person. It has been quite a while since I've hung out with a woman who is genuine and up front without any pretense or bullshit. That was a relaxing change of pace from what I've been used to. She will be greatly missed.
"Pull yourself together, Jason! You're not even the one getting married!"
I have known Aaron since we were little kids. We have been through hell and back together, lived together for a few years, traveled to Amsterdam and London, been to countless parties -- Yadda yadda, but now he is married. I'm not sure I really understand it, but I am happy for him. It is strange that all of closest friends save for one are all married -- except me.
The father was a very intelligent man. We spent some time during the rehearsal dinner talking about the Schism, King George and anti-popes, etc. I myself am not Catholic but I do know quite a bit about the religion. Standing in the Loyola Alumni Chapel was impressive - it is a beautiful church. It was quite the experience.
Truthfully, I am not myself lately and I don't know why. Although I've had a great week (New York City with a good friend, countless parties, a wedding, etc.), I feel very disconnected from things. I believe part of that feeling stems from the fact that I am just exhausted, having averaged only a few hours of sleep per night over the past week.
My friend that I took to NYC flew home today. She is quite an amazing person. It has been quite a while since I've hung out with a woman who is genuine and up front without any pretense or bullshit. That was a relaxing change of pace from what I've been used to. She will be greatly missed.
Wednesday, August 1
Five Thousand Billion Trillion Quintrillion Experiences
How many moments in our lives would we define as an "experience?" What exactly is an "experience?" Can an experience be defined by a unit of time? Is it possible to have an experience last just one second that is more powerful than an experience that lasts for hours? Are experiences based in objective reality or are experiences based on a more personal and subjective reality?
On a more metaphysical level, I have often asked myself if objective reality even exists? I know that a wall will always cause me physical pain if I run towards it at full speed. All the believing in the world won't allow me to run through the wall, but quantum mechanics does suggest that there is a very very slim chance I could do just that. In fact, quantum particles "tunnel" through obstacles all the time. However, the "macro-world" is far different than the quantum one.
The "many worlds interpretation" of reality states that if an event is possible, it does occur but that all possible occurrences force the universe to branch off into an almost infinite amount of other universes that can account for all possibilities. If that were so, would all the concentration in the world force me into a universe where I win the lotto or can run through a wall?
I've often thought about quantum mechanics and how it could relate to love -- probably much too esoteric for most people to swallow over a nice dinner. What I have often wondered is whether MWI (Many Worlds Interpretation) and quantum mechanics can prove that true love exists. In some universe that constantly branches off into others, there does exist a copy of me that has carried on beautiful relationships with every one of my ex's. Statistically though, love is bound to die at some point. We all are forced away from one another through this constant branching and splitting of possibilities.
Yet, if MWI is real, why does my consciousness exist in these particular universes? If I would rather be with someone I once loved, why wouldn't my consciousness choose to follow those branches? Perhaps it is either because MWI is false or that consciousness is much more complex than we realize.
I did notice something though during a recent trip to New York City (which I will blog about at some point). I realized that experiences are the spice of life. We don't necessarily have to have permanence in our lives to enjoy the diversity of experiences. In fact, such a permanence might very well become detrimental to our growth. Let's face facts -- pain is horrible but a necessary condition for growth. Without pain, we would never understand another person's pain or suffering. Our pain makes us more compassionate and empathetic towards others. Pain also forces us to realize a contrast to pleasure. Quite simply, without suffering emotional and physical pain, we would never truly appreciate moments of blissful pleasures.
I also don't think love has to necessary be eternal -- but I do believe that we constantly experience aspects and facades of love to better understand how to love ourselves more completely. I do believe there will always be a wall, even if only a millimeter thick, between two lovers. No matter how close they feel that they have become, there will always remain some gap or distance between them -- and that gap is a part of the pain of being human. We think impure thoughts, lust inappropriately and contemplate the most hideous of things. This is a part of being human -- human nature. The important thing is learning not to act on those impulses, to rise above the animalistic instincts, and to show compassion towards others and remorse when we have erred.
At some point, I do believe everyone experiences a very intense moment. It may be fleeting or seem ever-lasting, but in the big scheme of things, it is only temporary. However, in that moment, we as humans experience an aspect of infinity. We cross the boundaries of every possible universe and swing across each moment in time and arrive at a singularity of intense passion and love. At some point in our lives, no matter how quick in time that moment is, we experience a greater and more uplifting experience that transcends mere emotions and forces us to accept that we are so very very small while so very very important.
On a more metaphysical level, I have often asked myself if objective reality even exists? I know that a wall will always cause me physical pain if I run towards it at full speed. All the believing in the world won't allow me to run through the wall, but quantum mechanics does suggest that there is a very very slim chance I could do just that. In fact, quantum particles "tunnel" through obstacles all the time. However, the "macro-world" is far different than the quantum one.
The "many worlds interpretation" of reality states that if an event is possible, it does occur but that all possible occurrences force the universe to branch off into an almost infinite amount of other universes that can account for all possibilities. If that were so, would all the concentration in the world force me into a universe where I win the lotto or can run through a wall?
I've often thought about quantum mechanics and how it could relate to love -- probably much too esoteric for most people to swallow over a nice dinner. What I have often wondered is whether MWI (Many Worlds Interpretation) and quantum mechanics can prove that true love exists. In some universe that constantly branches off into others, there does exist a copy of me that has carried on beautiful relationships with every one of my ex's. Statistically though, love is bound to die at some point. We all are forced away from one another through this constant branching and splitting of possibilities.
Yet, if MWI is real, why does my consciousness exist in these particular universes? If I would rather be with someone I once loved, why wouldn't my consciousness choose to follow those branches? Perhaps it is either because MWI is false or that consciousness is much more complex than we realize.
I did notice something though during a recent trip to New York City (which I will blog about at some point). I realized that experiences are the spice of life. We don't necessarily have to have permanence in our lives to enjoy the diversity of experiences. In fact, such a permanence might very well become detrimental to our growth. Let's face facts -- pain is horrible but a necessary condition for growth. Without pain, we would never understand another person's pain or suffering. Our pain makes us more compassionate and empathetic towards others. Pain also forces us to realize a contrast to pleasure. Quite simply, without suffering emotional and physical pain, we would never truly appreciate moments of blissful pleasures.
I also don't think love has to necessary be eternal -- but I do believe that we constantly experience aspects and facades of love to better understand how to love ourselves more completely. I do believe there will always be a wall, even if only a millimeter thick, between two lovers. No matter how close they feel that they have become, there will always remain some gap or distance between them -- and that gap is a part of the pain of being human. We think impure thoughts, lust inappropriately and contemplate the most hideous of things. This is a part of being human -- human nature. The important thing is learning not to act on those impulses, to rise above the animalistic instincts, and to show compassion towards others and remorse when we have erred.
At some point, I do believe everyone experiences a very intense moment. It may be fleeting or seem ever-lasting, but in the big scheme of things, it is only temporary. However, in that moment, we as humans experience an aspect of infinity. We cross the boundaries of every possible universe and swing across each moment in time and arrive at a singularity of intense passion and love. At some point in our lives, no matter how quick in time that moment is, we experience a greater and more uplifting experience that transcends mere emotions and forces us to accept that we are so very very small while so very very important.
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