Compassion Part II

I am having a little trouble falling asleep, so I will take the time to write about a dream I had last night. It is symbolic to me in several ways.

In my dream, I was situated on top of a large hill that overlooked a beautiful city. I was looking out through a window into a large backyard area with a very nice pool and statues that surrounded the pool. The dream was very vivid and real -- a lucid dream that I have occasionally. A person came up next to me and smiled and said, "isn't it beautiful? This is one of the most beautiful cities in the world." I asked her what city it was and she replied, "It is beautiful San Francisco."

It was at this point that I realized I was within a dream, but I decided to go outside to explore the city. It was interesting to explore a city within a dream that I have yet to visit in real life. I remember the streets were filled with people and that there were large ports near the ocean area. The sky was completely clear, the sun was shining and the air was clean and dry. I inhaled deeply and began riding a bike down one of the streets while observing the people.

"So this is what west coast people are like," I remember thinking to myself. Something about the dream went further than just my mind's illusion of what I thought San Francisco would actually look and feel like in real life. There was a lot of emotion within the dream -- I felt a sense of freedom and excitement to be able to travel and visit a new place. Even though it was just a dream, it was amazingly detailed and filled with subjective material of great personal significance.

I want to share something with you that means a lot to me. Deep within my heart, I feel an intense passion and desire to travel. My last trip took me to Denver, Colorado, which I found to be an exciting and vibrant place. Denver is a beautiful city and definitely a place I could see myself living in at some future point in my life. The glorious mountain spans, the clean air, the endless activities in which to engage like skiing, white water rafting and hiking.

The world is such a large place. There are more than six billion people in the world. There are hundreds of moderately sized cities throughout seven different continents. There are adventures ready to invigorate the soul while saturating one's senses and desires. There are hundreds upon hundreds of different culinary dishes waiting to be tasted. Among the multitude of museums, there lies nearly limitless amounts of works of art to be viewed, analyzed, interpreted and felt by the heart. There are different types of stones contained within mountains ready to be felt by the hands of a climber eager to reach new heights -- both physically and spiritually.

In this dream of San Francisco, I looked out beyond the streets and beyond the buildings that formed the city skyline. What I saw was something much more spiritual and metaphoric. While my hands were eagerly pressed against the glass, I realized that I was alone. What I began to feel within my heart was a sense of loneliness and isolation. I then asked myself what good there is in traveling the world when there is nobody there to travel with me.

I walked down a street in San Francisco and turned into an alleyway. I called out to her but she was not there. I looked up and saw the movement of clouds as they raced across the sky. I then looked at my watch to check the time and saw the hands spinning rapidly. What worth was there in traveling down new streets when there was nobody to be there by my side?

"Isn't it beautiful? This is one of the most beautiful cities in the world."

I turned around but she was not there. I could travel down every street in the world in a pathetically futile attempt to find her. At night, I'll often walk slowly down different streets and look up at the old buildings in the city. On the upper floors, I'll stare into the dark windows and pretend that perhaps she's in there looking back at me. I'll delude myself into thinking that perhaps that's where we lived for many years and that, in some sense, she was in that dark room sleeping -- waiting for me to come home.

I know why I love to travel to new places. I understand my fascination for discovering new works of art and exploring new streets. In some sense, every place I visit has a piece of her somewhere. Part of the thrill of traveling is the nearly impossible chance that I will see her again. Every art museum I visit gives me the opportunity to look at a painting that might remind me of her in some way. Perhaps a certain flow of yellow crashing into the blue of an abstract painting will cause a flashback of her beautiful green eyes against her dark hair.

I know why I love to go to so many places. It's because I never really had a place I could call home. Home to me is that random window in a building on a distant street within a distant city. A place where she just might be resting, waiting and wishing for me to bump into her as much as I wish she would bump into me.

There are streets, though, that one can never go down. These streets of time are paved with our own memories. Dreams allow us to break through those impossibilities and see days far gone and removed from our lives, but so near and precious to our hearts.

I will never understand how anyone could cheat on someone they love. Love is so hard to cultivate at times. What amazes me most is how so many people actually have someone right next to them, yet could so easily mislead them by choosing to be faithless to their commitment. To work so hard in searching and exploring to find someone to love, only to then turn around and destroy that trust seems so barren to me. If you find someone even remotely compatible -- someone you can have great conversations with -- shouldn't it be one's first nature to never let that person escape your life? Even more importantly, why on earth would anyone ever betray that person? Is a moment of pleasure with a stranger worth destroying a lifetime spent building a relationship and caring for another human?

Yet here I am traveling the world -- for the rest of my life -- to find that one special person that so many others take for granted.

But I do love to travel. It reminds me why love is so important. When you give your heart to someone, you give them your trust. Love without trust was never love at all.

Yet, I read stories all the time about politicians who have cheated on their wife because they were given the chance to keep from getting caught. There is never a possibility of getting away with deceit, because that moment of deception is always there in the back of one's mind.

Compassion -- it is an Amazingly Potent Thing

Well, it is Saturday night at 2:30am -- technically Sunday night. I went out tonight and, without exaggeration, was the life of the entire bar. I have been going to Acme for quite some time and a lot of people know me now. The amazing thing is that my intention was never to become such a well-known and well-liked person. Tonight I had guys asking me for my number because they said I was the coolest person they've ever met. That was really flattering. I'm not sure what has happened to me over the past month or two, though. It started when I got back from Denver and has only snowballed since.

Part of it has to do with compassion. When I go out to a bar or a club, I realize that everyone is out to have a good time. I love to see a guy hit on a woman he likes and to succeed with her. I have not attempted to "hook up" with any woman over the past few weeks, but I've gotten more phone numbers and requests to hang out by them than I have ever had in my life. I've got a hundred different nicknames. Two very beautiful women nicknamed me "Louis the 14th" -- whatever that means (but it is cute).

One thing I have noticed, though, is that I am not afraid of expressing my emotions anymore. I've had a few major setbacks in my life lately and one drove me into a deep depression where I thought about ending it. However, I would never do such a thing. Life is too precious and short to throw it away because of a temporary life situation that will improve with time.

When I talk to a girl, I give her a hug and kiss her on the cheek and find something nice to say about her. I don't do it to get laid -- I do it because I want others to feel good about themselves. I had no idea how real Karma really was until I realized that people really care about me and love being with me. I've seen a few unfortunate circumstances where people have said bye to someone assuming they would see them again -- only to never see them because of one of life's unpredictable circumstances.

Tonight I got over six different numbers -- some guys and some girls. Two of the girls were extremely beautiful but my sense of sexuality has currently been pushed aside by my more pure sense of compassion and love for humanity. In essence, I want to help others immensely.

I went out and bought a book and a card for Jason wishing him luck with his job hunting endeavors. He sent me a text telling me that was the most amazing thing anyone has ever done for him. It only took 5 minutes of my time and ten dollars, but it meant the world to him.

In conclusion, I'm realizing very quickly that the smallest investments from the heart (especially when they are from pure intentions) go extremely far in making another person feel good about themselves. I go out every night of the week now because I want to be around other people and I want to know who they are and I want to help them.

I've been filled with such an immense sense of happiness and excitement that words can't really describe it. When I went up to the girl having a bachelorette party, I gave her a hug and kissed her on the cheek and wished her a great marriage and she just smiled from ear to ear.

I can feel myself filling up with an intense and passionate form of sincere love for humanity and it is just overwhelmingly powerful. I haven't been this happy in a very, very long time. Sadly, I've spent a lot of my life denying myself of this most simple pleasure. For some reason, I've resisted expressing my emotions and love for fear of rejection or embarrassment. What I have found, though, is that there is no rejection or embarrassment. Some people close themselves off from the world but when they detect pure and sincere intentions from another person, they tend to allow themselves to open up.

I'm on the verge of an overwhelming life transformation.

To put it bluntly -- I'm no longer afraid to open myself up or risk being vulnerable because I am much more powerful emotionally than I ever gave myself credit for.

This blog is rambling and off the wall, but it feels good for me to be able to articulate these feelings.

Thanks for reading.

Weekend Report

Best Pick-up line by a girl to me after watching me attempt to dance:
Are you on Myspace?? I am so putting you as my #1 friend!

Worst Spoonerism Moment:
"Bartender, I'll take a cum and roke ... I mean rum and coke!"


Best moment of cockiness by me:
Telling that MILF that I would totally do her ... in front of her 22 year old daughter ... then feeling bad ... then turning to the daughter ... and telling her that I'd do her first, of course. Then watching her mom laugh and be cool about it.

Most Random moment:
Kissing some random girl on the cheek because I wanted to kiss some random girl on the cheek. Then having her friends ask me to get in pictures with them of me kissing everyone.

Most OMG I can't believe you did that moment:
Flashing the shocker between two girls getting their picture taken.

Worst Dressed:
Guy with the Polo shirt with the collar straight up and the blue "kilt like thing."

Best Dressed:
Jenn the bartender -- always with the cleavage.

Ps: To that girl who was taking a picture of her frienda -- that symbol that I made with my hand -- it's called the shocker.

Two in the cha-cha, one in the ka-ka.
Two in the frollicks, one in the bollocks.
Two in the cooter, one in the pooter

Muhahaha!

Near Tears in a Bar

Before I begin writing this blog, I need to make it very clear that I am not the type of guy to easily cry. I have never been moved to tears in a public place in my entire life, but tonight was much different. I literally felt my eyes well up with tears and I had to excuse myself to the bathroom, where I continued dabbing my eyes with paper towels in the stall.

What brought this on? What could possibly move me, a stoic and mature guy to suddenly display such intense emotion -- especially in public? It was due to a story told to me by a good friend of mine. It hit my heart so hard, that I could not help but care who was looking or who was around me. It was the most profound and heartfelt story that I had ever been told by another human being in a public setting. I can honestly say that it was one of the most impacting moments in my entire life.

I have a friend who is in the music business. He is a black man with many tattoos all over his arms. He is a very intelligent and sincere person who knows music inside and out. I call him the Einstein of music, whereas I am the Neils Bohr of music. We constantly struggle to outdo each other with music trivia. That night, the subject of drugs came up. I was talking about cocaine with his girlfriend for a bit and how cocaine isn't the "hard" drug that many make it out to be. We went on about the the economics of the war on drugs and how our prison system is overcrowded with non-violent drug offenders, etc.

Well, I had to make the reference about coke first so that the rest of the story makes more sense. I started talking to Jason (Einstein) and asked him a very simple question, "what do your tattoos mean?"

Now, most of the guys I have met who have tattoos usually get very unoriginal ones -- vines around the arms, Chinese symbols that they think mean "love and war" but really mean "black and fight." He proceeded to go into one of the most amazing and heartfelt explanations about his tattoos and how they pertained to his life that I had ever heard.

"This is my flesh, and these are the reminders of where I've been in my life, and where I want to be. They are reminders of the struggles that I've had and how I do not wish to repeat those same mistakes." He had wings of Gabriel and Jacob on his back, spiritual symbols of love and death on his forearms, etc. Each tattoo was accompanied by a very sincere and true story about why they were on his arms.

I found out that at some point, he suffered from a severe cocaine addiction and almost killed himself because of it. I instantly remembered his girlfriend moments earlier telling me how much she hated cocaine -- it all made much more sense.

What moved me to tears, though, wasn't necessarily the stories of struggle and recovery, because we have all fallen. What hit me hard was how sincere he was in telling those stories. Generally, you can tell when someone feeds you a bunch of bullshit while you just nod your head lightly and roll your eyes. This was straight from him heart. I started by scratching off the label to my beer bottle in some feeble attempt to keep composed but I just had to get up and head to the bathroom where I took some time to really think about the important things in life vs. what I assume to be important things. There is a difference.

The best thing about being in my 30's is having the same energy and drive as I did in my 20's but having it tempered with a lot more wisdom and compassion.

Jo-Ann Fabric and Bathrooms

While shopping at a Jo-Ann Fabric store in Logansport, IN, a lady had a sudden case of diarrhea. Management at that store refused to allow her use of their restrooms. She had to endure the utter humiliation and embarrassment of feces running down her leg because of this. The entire story can be found here.

I wrote the CEO, Darrell Webb, of Jo-Ann Fabric and Craft Stores this quick e-mail:

I read the story of the lady who needed to use your restrooms in an emergency while your management just allowed her to defecate all over herself instead.

I will NEVER shop at your store again and will be sure to e-mail this story to all of my friends, coworkers, family and associates so they may pass it around.

Absolutely SICKENING.

The next day, I received the following response from Mr. Webb:

We made a mistake. We're very sorry for any frustration and embarrassment that we caused our customer at the Logansport, Indiana, Jo-Ann Fabric and Craft Store on Friday, June 29.

Many of our store restrooms are located in areas that are not readily accessible to customers and therefore our policy limits the access to the restrooms. However, we have immediately changed our policy to allow any customer to use our restrooms upon request.

Again, we acknowledge our mistake in handling this matter and sincerely hope that our customers will be pleased by our change in policy.


Darrell Webb
Chairman, President, and CEO
Jo-Ann Fabric and Craft Stores

I am glad Mr. Webb took responsibility for this matter and has since adopted a new, less shitty, bathroom policy.

Going up to New York City this Weekend

There is a FARK.COM party in NYC this weekend, so I'm going to head up there and party with them and then find a nice, comfortable park bench in Central Park and take a nap until the trains start back up in the morning. I know it sounds ghetto, but I need a nice break from routine -- and what better way than to travel, sleep on a park bench and wake up a few hours later so you can watch the sun rise while reflecting on one's life.

Perhaps I'll take my Ipod with me and put on Pink Floyd's "The Wall" while looking out across Central Park. I don't really care about criminals, homeless people, misfits or pick-pocketers (is that a word?). They can steal my I-pod if they want, since I need to get a new one anyway.

What I really want to do is break away from normalcy for a little while and live life on the edge. My best friend and I have always talked about sleeping out on the streets for a weekend just to understand what it is like to be homeless, but the psychological effect is never quite the same. Why? Because you know after all is said and done, you have a home to return to. However, I rather enjoy risk. I love riding the subway when some freak is on it. I love the adrenaline rush of wondering if someone is going to start shit with people and perhaps even with me.

I don't think I have a passive disregard for my own safety, but living the corporate life has left me all but soulless and devoid of compassion. Three years ago I was going on dates constantly, getting laid by hot women and generally felt excited about the world. I felt a sense of happiness that is now lacking in my life. That sense of happiness was consumed and digested by routine -- by the monotony of corporate life.

I'd like to break away from that. Yes, I'll move -- perhap to Denver, CO. or California, depending on which place I end up getting a nice job. I love Colorado because it is beautiful and smack dab in the center of the country (more or less). I want to get back into traveling and doing exciting things.

I just can't take the same monotonous, boring, drudgery that corporate life brings. I'm all but dead inside because of it -- yet there is a flame deep within that wants to reignite.

Fuck it -- time for some changes.

Great Quote -- Short and Sweet

"When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory. "

--Nietzsche

Ending Women's Suffrage

Let's all do our part to end women's suffrage!

Mild Mannered Reporter by Day ... at Night?

Most of my friends know me as that eccentric genius that is the glue that sort of bonds all the different type of people together. I take pride in being able to relate to almost anyone because I believe that we all have at least one thing in common.

What people *DON'T* know about me is my other side. The side that has fallen off the wagon many times over. That side that rides through life with wreckless abandon. That side that carries some sort of internal anger towards a complicated web of existentialist issues. I love people with all my heart. I generally can sniff out a bit of good in the most evil of people. Although the worst may do what they do with no remorse, I do believe in love and I do believe in compassion.

The most troubling aspect of my life is that I feel my time is running out. I don't know why, but I don't feel like the passion and light inside of me will last forever. You are probably scratching your head wondering just what in the hell I am talking about -- and I wouldn't blame you, either.

Honestly, I am overwhelmed by the world. I want to experience everything but realize that is all but impossible. The world is a huge place and I want to be able to live in all corners of it, but one person can not do that -- not in one lifetime. I would want to wipe away the tears of a crying woman and get to know her and help her, but my passion burns so intensely that I never really get the chance to be with just one for any length of time.

I just hop from one close friendship to the next because that is how it always works out. I have only myself to blame for that. I make the same mistakes over and over, because just when I am ready to embrace something with just a hint of resemblance to something permanent, I spring off into another tangent.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a pinball machine. Sometimes I am the paddle on the left side, sometimes I'm the paddle on the right. Then suddenly I'm the ball getting shot around until I end up ricocheting between two bumpers a hundred times -- god, that is painful. If that were the case, who would be keeping score of my life? Why did I end up in the 5x bonus hole when I could have ended up in the 10x or 25x bonus holes?

Then there are these great monumental disasters in life. A friend that dies, a parent that gets very sick -- a boss that tears into you at a moment of vulnerability that causes you two get two paragraphs into a two-week notice only to delete it and leave early for the day. Is this when the ball comes straight down the middle between the two paddles? All the button pressing in the world won't save the ball -- because it was destined to end up there. Sure, you can shake the shit out of the pinball machine, but then it tilts and the paddles turn off. That's when the ball just bounces around fruitlessly for a little while until rolling back and forth and dropping pathetically between the paddles. The end result is the same -- go out in a blaze of glory slamming the paddles while screaming as the ball disappears or throw the machine back and forth under the assumption that you can override cosmic destiny. Hey, I'm human -- I'm more important and better constructed than a silver metal ball.

Then there are the ultimately profound questions with no answers. If I can run 19.2 miles per hour, why can't I run 19.3? Is there some great mathematical equation that governs our lives? Are we merely little metal balls masquerading around as sentient beings with an illusion of control?

I sat behind a truck carrying large canisters of Oxygen. On the back of the truck were two signs. On the left was a green sign that read, "NON-FLAMMABLE." On the right, a red sign read, "FLAMMABLE." I felt a bit of insanity creep over me. I wanted to back up my car and then run into the truck at full speed to answer just one simple question -- "which sign was ultimately correct?"

... and that's how I feel that I've currently been living my life -- testing a hypothesis by the means of wreckless abandonment for the consequences. Some might call me immature while others would call me just another rebel without a cause. As a guy, I do enjoy dabbling in moments of chaos and order. I respect the intelligent planning and intense will-power to carry through with immense projects that bring order into our world. The beautiful and unique buildings, the bustling streets with cars, etc. Although it may sound sick, I also enjoy it when the wheels come off and I get to witness an amazingly violent and destructive train-wreck. Some are physical in nature, complete with huge fireballs, destructive explosions and shrapnel propelled at super-sonic speeds in all directions. Then there are the mental train-wrecks. We're only human, we do succumb to our environment at times. One of the most painful lessons in life is learning to ... no ... wanting to get back up after we fall -- figuratively speaking of course.

We also live in a world of blatant hypocrisy. As a kid, I grew up with the understanding that older people were always more intelligent and that the government was always good. As a thirty year old, I now realize that many people are lazy, self-serving and ego-centric individuals. Our government is merely a more unified collection of these type of people.

I was taught as a kid that drugs were bad and that drug-users were non-productive, wasteful, unintelligent, disease ridden, abusive and completely criminal in nature. Lo' and behold, as I got older I realized that everything I was taught about drugs was pure bullshit. Nancy Reagan's 80's campaign of "Just Say No!" may have been well intentioned, but she was probably victimized by the same bullshit rhetoric as the rest of us.

If smoking pot is so bad, why are cigarettes still legal? That's real simple -- our government is ultimately not geared towards safety or the common social welfare of the people but about money and power. Heroine, cocaine, opiates, benzos, LSD, barbiturates, MDMA, etc. -- they're all drugs that were once legal but eventually became illegal.

What's the first thing you think of when you hear the word "heroine?" Do you think of some guy in an alleyway or under a bridge tapping his flesh before shooting up his next dose? Notice I said "his," because drugs are always associated with males -- very rarely do you envision women with drug abuse problems. Very rarely do we hear about female drug dealers or drug use in general by females -- save for the runway models at the age of 12 that were already learning about coke to keep thin or the happy L.A. socialites popping vicodin before getting plastered on alcohol at a red-carpet club.

The government does not believe in social, responsible or recreational drug use because, as we all know, drug users are unproductive members of society that increase crime rates wherever they end up. Oh wait, I should amend that statement -- people that use ILLEGAL drugs are unproductive. Those that use caffeine, nicotine and alcohol are generally upstanding members of society. Also, people who use legal crack such as Ritalin or Adderall prescribed by a doctor are also productive. People who are prescribed anything by a doctor are productive -- this includes benzos for stress or sleep, barbiturates and synthetic opiates for pain control (but not mental pain, even though opiates are far better at treating depression than many SSRI's, etc.). Wait, this is the same as illegal drugs? Oh, they're controlled by the government, so that makes it all right. If you do crack on the street from a drug dealer, your ass had better be ready to do a few years, but if you're just an ADHD kid cranked up on Adderall, enjoy yourself.

We're flooded by a bunch of lies while we drown in their hypocritical nature. Drugs don't cause crime levels to increase -- the war on drugs causes them to increase. Why? Because when you make anything illegal, you drive up its value. Things that cost more are worth robbing banks to get. If an eight-ball of cocaine cost $25, I doubt you'd have as many shootings within inner-city ghettos. However, make it illegal and drive the price up over $300 and now there is something worth shooting over, right?

We have more people locked up in our prisons for bullshit offenses than all the European countries combined. Do you feel safer now that Joe is locked away securely instead of smoking pot at his house on a Friday night? I certainly don't.

Meanwhile, pharmaceutical companies continue to line the pockets of our elected officials with cash, free flights and trips to Vegas at the glorious Wynn hotel. If you think I'm paranoid, do the research for yourself. Look at how much money is contributed by pharmaceutical companies. Do you think that congress would EVER pass a bill on drugs that made sense vs. passing a bill that gave them a huge pay day?

There is an old saying. If something doesn't make any sense, just follow the money trail to find out why. If I go out to the corner to buy a dime bag of weed and get caught, I'm in some deep shit. Yet it is perfectly acceptable for someone to light up next to me and spread hundreds of carcinogens into the air for others to breath. Wouldn't that be a form of terrorism to some of our high-strung ultra-conservative elected officials? Shouldn't we ship all these smokers to Guantanamo Bay?

I apologize that this blog went off on a tangent, it was really meant to be two separate blog entries.

One Great Overriding Principle

There is but one great and overriding principle in life. That is the magic and power of love. Only the deep embrace of someone you love is capable of stopping time, overturning misfortune, reversing pain, stopping fear and revitalizing your soul. The next time you find yourself in a relationship that feels true and secure -- the next time you find yourself in the arms of another person who values you as much as you do them, remember to grab them tightly and make the moment stretch out into infinity.

Although time itself may be finite and our time on Earth an even smaller fraction, close your eyes and grab them with all your strength and push time away. Feel them tightly against you and tell yourself that, despite the fact the universe will come and go, that very moment the two of you now share will be etched permanently in its proper place in the great temporal schism that holds all tales and eternal memories.

In that very moment, hold them as long as possible and just when you feel it is time to let go, squeeze them even harder for just a few seconds more. Give your entire being to the moment, your entire soul to theirs and let all your deepest passions and dreams come to the surface so that they may, however briefly, melt and mix with the person you are with.

Our lives are much too short and our love too infinite to do anything less.

To Gather a Thousand Shards

Would it be worth collecting the pieces,
to gather a thousand separate shards,
and put the pieces back together,
from a shuffled deck of random cards.

Or would it simply be much easier,
to find another intact mirror,
and look deeply into its surface,
into reflections so much clearer.

I never wanted to let you go,
but the glass is already shattered,
I'd like one chance to hold and see you,
through memories broken and scattered.

Love and the Great Divide

There are three inevitable facts that people eventually come to accept. In no particular order, the first realization is that no matter how much we place emphasis on a particular faith or religion, the truth will always be just outside our grasp. The next issue we grapple with is what I call the one of "ultimate purpose." We constantly evolve and change as people, and throughout our lives we are faced with many dreams that may or may not eventually come to fruitation. However, the true purpose of our life is something that we are ultimately forced to create ourselves. In some more global fashion, perhaps there is a divine plan for everything. Just as plausible is complete randomness and chaos from which we are forced to create order and purpose. The third great mystery in our lives is what I want to focus on in this blog entry -- that of love.

If you are at least in your mid-20's, you have probably been in love at least a few times in your life. Although each relationship was special in their own unique ways, the undercurrents of love that propel our emotions, desires, passion and dreams have always been with us. We are social creatures, and one of the last great goals for any person is to find another so that they can share a lifetime of experiences. It would be this "someone" that, for better or for worse, we would learn to grow with and embrace through both the best and worst moments in life. That special someone would always be by your side long after the Oxytocin had receded and the extra dopamine had dried up.

However, there is this one small point I'd like to make about love and relationships that is crucial to understanding human nature. This simple point is that, no matter how close we get to another person in our lives, there will always be some sort of divide between people. There will always be some form of separation that keeps two souls just close enough to orbit each other but far enough to keep them from truly understanding one another.

We make a lot of assumptions about love. If you ask a thousand people if they want to be in love, you would be hard pressed to find one that said no and truly meant it. However, you would probably get a lot of people to deny that they require or want to be in love -- but then again, there is probably some residual pain that lingers from a past relationship where they were betrayed in some way. What about these assumptions? Well, we put our faith and hearts into love with the understanding that the person we share a relationship with will act in good faith and return our affections. We assume that the love we share will be cemented in honesty, respect and compassion. We would never allow ourselves to enter a relationship that was superficially rewarding but cloaked in deceit, ill-will and false intentions.

A lot of psychology books will lead many to believe that love is merely the result of our own internal chemicals. That the "relationship hopping" that many take part in is due solely to the rewarding rush of chemicals that are released within the brain. The entire process of falling in love and eventually breaking up isn't so far different than the rewards of drinking alcohol one night and suffering the horrible hangover the next morning. Of course, as any weekend partier knows, the best cure for a hangover is more alcohol -- thus, more love piled upon a heap of failed relationships only serves to dampen our own soul.

I personally do not believe that love is merely a chemical reaction within the brain. One of my most rewarding and heart-felt relationships was with a woman I only met once. Obviously there were chemicals involved at first, but something in my heart wanted to always love her on a deeper and more philosophical level. I do believe humans are a bit more than the sum of their parts. Despite all the chemicals, neuron configuration and repeated axon firing, we possess something that transcends just the physical.

Everyone wants to love yet nobody wants to cry. We live every day of our lives assuming that the car we drive won't be involved in an accident. What a beautiful life to be able to waltz from one day to the next while bathing in rewards without ever encountering risks. Yet love is serious business. I would argue that apart from the fear of death, the fear of losing love is the greatest fear of all. There will be times in everyone's life when someone they love will die -- perhaps unexpectedly. Sometimes we don't get that last chance to say, "goodbye, I love you." That is a pain that can really string for a very long time.

Some people are complex individuals. Loving them can sometimes be a tough thing to do because that great divide always keeps us just far enough away that we can not always understand exactly what they are thinking or what they need. Communication is not always an easy thing when two hearts are heavy and there seems to be so much at stake. The anxiety of watching a love unravel before your very eyes is enough to cause us to sabotage our own ambitions and desire to keep that love strong.

My best friend is getting married in August. I am very excited and proud of him because he has met a great woman and they appear to have a strong and stable relationship. Some people seem to be blessed with the ability to understand the intricacies of love and adapt to problems that occur in a relationship quickly. He jokes with me that I will be next, but I would have to just smile at him.

The story of my life has always been one of a vast collection of rich experiences -- a moment here or there that reminded me of the beauty of love. I have spent much of my life tasting a thousand different variations of life but I have never been willing to fully embrace just one. Whether it was that special 10 minutes outside making out with a beautiful woman against the side of my car or those three hours spent with a lovely woman in a casino in Vegas, I have never been able to fully invest in a long-term relationship. That is not entirely true, actually. My relationships have always been complex because I am a very complex person.

The hardest part of my experience in life has been learning to let go of the past. I know come August 3 during the rehearsals, I'll be looking down that isle imagining many different things. "What would my life have been like had I walked down that isle with Sara, Lynnea, Leigh, Meredith, Stephanie, etc.?" Sadly, a few of the women I have been with have gone on to marry someone only to end up extremely unhappy. I would not wish that sort of pain and entrapment on anyone.

Perhaps I am destined to spend the rest of my life scratching the water's surface of a million different things but never diving into any of them. Perhaps once the train door closes and I can no longer see her, that was the full extent of what I was supposed to get from that moment? It doesn't matter -- a train door, a hotel door, an elevator closing. It is just my heart on two sides of a great divide trying to play dual-roles by filling in for the woman I left behind one too many times.

Love -- what a great and beautiful thing. The potential hangover is definitely worth another toast to future possibilities.

Losing Weight

Some of the most complex questions in our life have the most simple answers. The problem, of course, is our own mind. We set ourselves into habits that become detrimental to our goals. For instance, I recently got fitted for a Tuxedo for my friend's wedding in early August. I realized at that moment that I was probably a good 20-25 pounds overweight. Now for a guy who is almost 6' 4", that amount of weight doesn't really show as being "fat" by any stretch of the imagination.

However, I can see some of that extra fat in my face. The ironboard stomach that I had in my mid-20's is gone -- replaced with, dare I say, the very first attempt at a beginning beer belly. While standing naked in front of the mirror, I couldn't see myself as overweight. Our mind plays weird tricks on us, though. I went back to some of the pictures in my mid-20's and could definitely see a difference.

So I did it. I thought, "fuck this, I'm going to look better than I was at the height of my 20's" and proceeded to drive to the gym where I ran hard. After burning up a few hundred calories, I jumped on the elliptical and burned up a few hundred more. No more beer for me, either -- just occasional Gin and tonics and a glass of wine. Sodas are completely out the window. Diet sodas are nothing more than liquid loaded with all kinds of chemicals so they're out, too. That leaves water -- or some flavored water with Splenda.

My goal is to go from 228 down to 190. Most weight-loss programs insist that a person can safely lose two pounds of weight a week, so I'm going to shoot for between 3 and 4. My goal is to burn 100,000 calories from exercise alone in two months. That's 60 days to burn off 100,000 calories, or 1,600 calories a day. I obviously can't do that in one work out session -- I'm just not that good yet. So, I'll split it into two sessions -- one 800 calorie burner in a 90 minute session in the morning and another 90 minute session after work. Burning 800 calories in 90 minutes will be a challenge, but I do like challenges.

The real issue will be the mental ones. We live in a culture of consumption. Every where I turn, I'm presented with glorious pictures of delicious pizza, sizzling steaks and mouth-watering snacks -- shit like girl scout thin-mints, slim jims, Fritos, etc. One of the hardest temptations is ignoring when your stomach is craving food. It is just so easy to cave in with the thought, "just this once, and THEN I'll be good." Yeah right, that never happens. Every time is the last time and the new beginning is always your next meal.

Another problem with the United States compared to other European countries is the proportion of food you get. I was amazed to find out while in Amsterdam that a large orange juice with your breakfast is around 4 ounces. When I asked for something larger, the expression of the waiter's face made me hear in my mind, in a heavy dutch accent, "You fat fucking Americans!"

If you go to a restaurant and order dinner, they'll bring out the largest plates with 16 oz. T-bones and enough mashed potatoes to feed a small African Village. If I enjoy two beers with that steak dinner, I'm already well past 1,500 calories. To put that in perspective, I've just consumed enough caloric energy to run a television for the evening.

So yeah, I'm going to lose 30 pounds in the next three months -- probably a lot sooner, though. When I take the gym seriously, I tear the shit out of the machines because I love the feeling of sweating all over myself and feeling like a testosterone filled man-beast. I don't want to get ripped -- just a nice Greek physique. I'm so sick of all these ads getting shoved in my face, though. America -- the Kingdom of careless consumption.

A Feral Heart

Noteworthy advice I've discovered:

Never say to a woman in drunkeness things you wouldn't say sober.

Silence is not a very good form of communication.

Running away from problems only makes the eventual confrontation that much more painful. Run towards your problems -- once they realize you're insane they'll quickly turn into solutions.

Things said in jest come from elements of truth.

There is one underlying cosmic principle that most seem to forget. The present -- the current experience. Everything behind is irrelevent and everything in front is infinite, the only thing we should concentrate on embracing is the moment we're in -- the here and now.

Life is about dealing with highs and lows. Just remember that some people's highs are lower than other people's lows. Likewise, some people's lows are higher than other people's highs. So if you find yourself really high, pass it to the left.

If God wanted the world to know he existed, he would have created one.

Don't randomly mix chemicals in Chem 413 hoping you accidently stumble on that "green gooey glowing" mixture. Don't urinate on electric fences. Don't try and steal copper from a live transformer. Don't piss women off.

Do not spend time in regrets wishing you could go back and change things but learn to never repeat past mistakes in your future.

Love is the most beautiful thing in life worth divorcing for.

Ultimately, all the work and money in the world will never buy you the things that fill your soul with the most happiness -- like a sincere kiss.

Life can be brutal but treating it as a learning experience and not as a performance evaluation softens the blow.

My eulogy will be short. "He was the type of guy who would dance on mountain tops holding a 20 foot metal pole screaming at God while a storm quickly approached. Here lies his response."

I run from the back of an airplane to the front because I want to fly faster than everyone else.

A belief in love requires a belief in yourself. How can one begin to love another if they don't believe they are worthy of love?

Everything you do in life brings you closer to one of two people. Who you want to be or who others want you to become.

If your life becomes a jumbled mess, draw a line in time and tell yourself this is who I was and this is who I will be and keep on the right side of the line.

Don't fear death. Dead people don't pay bills, break-up or divorce, go to work each day or experience anxiety. The real travesty is fearing life.

Nobody can see you cry in the rain.

The next time you have to put up with airport security checkpoint, slip a fake grenade in the guy's luggage behind you and have your camera ready once you get through.

What good would going back in time to fix a mistake be since you would only make it again.

What good is wanting to know the future since such knowledge would only imprison you in the present.

An hour ago I was anxiously thinking of the hour ahead. Now I'm wondering why I bothered to get myself all worked up since both are now past.

A physics friend once told me that quantum theory allowed for trillions of alternate worlds where anything is possible. If this is true, every time I lose I just remind myself that I won in some other world. I can prove via quantum statistics that I have indeed had sex with every beautiful woman in the world. Unfortunately, if the theory holds, I've done some other things that we shouldn't talk about.