Upon the dour moment of the eleventh hour of the sixth day, there came a cry from a thousand gathered men that reached up into the deep heavens. The sky, now painted crimson with the blood of the fallen, dripped slowly down upon their sullen souls. One man among their group raised his hands towards the heavens and shouted, "dear god, forgive those lost and those forsaken, give strength to the rusted breast of man and right those wrongs committed unto thee from blind vengeance."
The ground beneath the weakened trembled and split apart, revealing the depths of the earth from which man had scoured up. The sun, now dimmed in a murky light, sunk deeper into the far horizon. Their shadows grew longer, marching slowly across the wet dirt beneath their bloodied feet. War had killed the weakest, famine etched away at what little strength the rest possessed while disease brought down the oldest among them.
With his arms still raised high, their leader called out again. "Show us mercy, God, and forgive us of our sins. Lead us away from darkness and guide us back into your glorious light." His plea echoed softly off the distant hills and then fell silent into the virgin night. Death swept quickly from over the third hill, chasing the fading shadows of an army once strong and victorious.
Night stabbed viciously into the last traces of dusk as the ice cold wind swept over their beaten bodies. God could no more save these men from eternal sleep as they had already defeated their own through nefarious warfare. As the wind grew colder still, the warm blood from those that remained standing began to thicken. Their torn skin slipped into sickening shades of gray as they labored to take one last breath.
God did not kill these men. These men had destroyed god by robbing the world of its last remaining fortitude of faith. No father would ever see a son born again, no daughter would ever wed her love and all of eternity from the first moment to this day would forever fade into a sort of cosmic amnesia. Man had chosen to renounce faith and spirituality, and in doing so would condemn itself back into the dust from which every man, woman and child had been born.
And as each man had wanted it to become, so then it finally came to be.
Thursday, March 20
Saturday, March 15
Sideways 8
Since my last blog posting was about infinity, I wanted to write another quick entry about something related to infinity -- love. I've loved various women in the past and have been in love before. However, I have never loved a woman as much as I love a very special one named Lynnea.
Unfortunately there is a deficit within the English language when I search for the words to express my feelings for her. I can write out my feelings and string them together in sentence after sentence and paragraph after paragraph but the emotions that drive those string of words is born from a desire and passion far beyond semantics.
I have known her for nearly six years and during that time, we have shared countless experiences, stories and ups and downs. Even during somewhat long periods in the past of being out of touch with one another, I have never stopped loving her. I don't think a day would ever go by where I didn't think of her -- wondering how her day went, how she felt and if she was also thinking of me.
At some point in our relationship, I realized that she was a pure person -- an imperfect person who held a constant desire to reach ever stronger levels of spiritual and emotional perfection. Humans can never make that destination, but the drive and passion to journey towards that state is so strong within her.
I am not a religious person in the sense of believing that any particular organized religion is the path to god. I do believe in a god because I have had many experiences in my life that were intensely spiritual. I believe that religion can be a good thing, though. It can help those who need support in discovering their own unique relationship with god. It is sad that there is so much violence and confusion brought about by religion, especially considering my view that god wants every person to explore their own unique place in the universe as well as their own special connection to god.
The one thing that I have discovered in my life is that love is a very real constant that yields limitless power. From my own previous relationship with women, I found that not all relationships are founded in deep trust and respect. I learned that a woman can lie. I learned that a woman can hurt a man. I was personally hurt by a few. I carried an insufferable desire to push past the petty problems and form a robust, solid and unending base of love and trust with a woman. My idealism concerning what a relationship should be based on was often tested by the cold realities of personal selfishness, incompatible desires and the ever shifting moods that often fell misaligned when a certain moment mattered the most.
My idealism would often fall flat on its face when those incompatibilities were strongest. Love to me always meant that, despite disagreements and occasional fighting, two people would always find their way back to the warmth and compassion that an unconditional love provided. Failure in that aspect wrought walls around me. I shielded my heart from the pain of love gone south by putting up walls. It was a selfish thing to do -- both to myself and to those very few who truly understood what unconditional love meant. It was selfish to myself because I was denying myself love's greatest rewards by cowering from love's most stinging risks. It was selfish to others because, deep within my soul, I was capable of sharing immense unending compassion with another like-minded soul.
Perhaps the reason why so many people build these walls of emotional refuge is to see who cares enough to climb over them. However, hiding behind such walls is no way to go through life. Life is filled with endless experiences both heart-wrenchingly difficult and soul-brightningly beautiful. As a child, one should never fear riding a bike simply because he or she might skin their knee. Why then, as an adult, would I dare do the equivalent with love?
Lynnea was that woman for me. In the past, I'd take a step forward, retreat, move laterally, jump off the field, jump back on and build and remove that wall again and again. It was a crazy cycle of giving a bit of my heart and then quickly pulling it back away when the sun fell behind the clouds. That's no way to treat someone you love and especially no way to treat yourself. At some point, you have to trust another. Eventually, you have to march out onto the field sans wall and accept all the risks that come with giving your heart to another. You have to have faith in the person with whom you are sharing love. You have to say, "here is my everything, I want to share it with you and only you. I am allowing you into a unique place within my heart that could destroy me if you had nefarious intentions, but I trust you and choose to love you unconditionally."
There is a common element between love, spirituality and god. That element is faith. I never had an appreciation for the subtle nuisances of faith when I was younger. However, I now understand a very critical component of faith. I realize that, in life, we will never have all the answers. We will never be able to see down every fork of every road that we journey. We will never be able to prove such things as the existence of god or the permanence of love. That's where faith becomes so important. It is a deeply seeded intuition within my soul that posits two very crucial aspects of life. First, that there is some higher force at work than what science can deconstruct. Second, that love is paramount to happiness and that love's depth can constantly be explored more deeply leading us to discover the very essence of why we exist -- which, coincidentally, seems to be so that we can love others more so.
There will always be those who will challenge those concepts. Some people will say any personal world view based with elements of faith is an irrational one. Others will say that love is strictly a chemical reaction involving countless pheromones, neurotransmitters and genes.
To those people, I can say only this. One could describe the perfect spring day in great detail. One could specify the exact temperature, wind speed and cloud cover. One could describe the sounds present while in a park, including the flow of a nearby river, the chirping of the birds and the wind blowing through the trees. After going step by step through every aspect of a perfect spring day, there would still remain but one problem -- the experience itself. The gentle caress of a soft breeze over one's face. The distinct smell of freshly cut grass while a light mist of water permeates the air from a nearby waterfall. The feeling of that grass on your body as you lay next to someone you love awaiting the stars to show after a beautiful sunset. Love could be defined by a very precise scientific analysis of all the processes involved -- but the subjective experience of loving and being loved falls outside the scope of deconstructionalism.
In conclusion, I wish everyone could experience true love. Not love cloaked in shades of self-interest or love dressed in sheets of deceit. Not love blanketed by ill intentions or love camouflaged with subterfuge. Just simple naked love. Love that could destroy, but given with faith that it will empower. Love littered with risk but forever only rewarding.
To find that special someone is a most magical thing. I found that type of love with Lynnea and from sharing that love with her I have come to understand one of the most important lessons in life. It is this:
When you care so much for another person that you would suffer the greatest of pains just so the other would not, then the love that you have given unconditionally from within your heart will shield you both. Because when you love another person to that extent, there really is no other force in this universe that could come close to touching you because you've just tapped the greatest of all forces.
Love with abandon, but never abandon love.
Unfortunately there is a deficit within the English language when I search for the words to express my feelings for her. I can write out my feelings and string them together in sentence after sentence and paragraph after paragraph but the emotions that drive those string of words is born from a desire and passion far beyond semantics.
I have known her for nearly six years and during that time, we have shared countless experiences, stories and ups and downs. Even during somewhat long periods in the past of being out of touch with one another, I have never stopped loving her. I don't think a day would ever go by where I didn't think of her -- wondering how her day went, how she felt and if she was also thinking of me.
At some point in our relationship, I realized that she was a pure person -- an imperfect person who held a constant desire to reach ever stronger levels of spiritual and emotional perfection. Humans can never make that destination, but the drive and passion to journey towards that state is so strong within her.
I am not a religious person in the sense of believing that any particular organized religion is the path to god. I do believe in a god because I have had many experiences in my life that were intensely spiritual. I believe that religion can be a good thing, though. It can help those who need support in discovering their own unique relationship with god. It is sad that there is so much violence and confusion brought about by religion, especially considering my view that god wants every person to explore their own unique place in the universe as well as their own special connection to god.
The one thing that I have discovered in my life is that love is a very real constant that yields limitless power. From my own previous relationship with women, I found that not all relationships are founded in deep trust and respect. I learned that a woman can lie. I learned that a woman can hurt a man. I was personally hurt by a few. I carried an insufferable desire to push past the petty problems and form a robust, solid and unending base of love and trust with a woman. My idealism concerning what a relationship should be based on was often tested by the cold realities of personal selfishness, incompatible desires and the ever shifting moods that often fell misaligned when a certain moment mattered the most.
My idealism would often fall flat on its face when those incompatibilities were strongest. Love to me always meant that, despite disagreements and occasional fighting, two people would always find their way back to the warmth and compassion that an unconditional love provided. Failure in that aspect wrought walls around me. I shielded my heart from the pain of love gone south by putting up walls. It was a selfish thing to do -- both to myself and to those very few who truly understood what unconditional love meant. It was selfish to myself because I was denying myself love's greatest rewards by cowering from love's most stinging risks. It was selfish to others because, deep within my soul, I was capable of sharing immense unending compassion with another like-minded soul.
Perhaps the reason why so many people build these walls of emotional refuge is to see who cares enough to climb over them. However, hiding behind such walls is no way to go through life. Life is filled with endless experiences both heart-wrenchingly difficult and soul-brightningly beautiful. As a child, one should never fear riding a bike simply because he or she might skin their knee. Why then, as an adult, would I dare do the equivalent with love?
Lynnea was that woman for me. In the past, I'd take a step forward, retreat, move laterally, jump off the field, jump back on and build and remove that wall again and again. It was a crazy cycle of giving a bit of my heart and then quickly pulling it back away when the sun fell behind the clouds. That's no way to treat someone you love and especially no way to treat yourself. At some point, you have to trust another. Eventually, you have to march out onto the field sans wall and accept all the risks that come with giving your heart to another. You have to have faith in the person with whom you are sharing love. You have to say, "here is my everything, I want to share it with you and only you. I am allowing you into a unique place within my heart that could destroy me if you had nefarious intentions, but I trust you and choose to love you unconditionally."
There is a common element between love, spirituality and god. That element is faith. I never had an appreciation for the subtle nuisances of faith when I was younger. However, I now understand a very critical component of faith. I realize that, in life, we will never have all the answers. We will never be able to see down every fork of every road that we journey. We will never be able to prove such things as the existence of god or the permanence of love. That's where faith becomes so important. It is a deeply seeded intuition within my soul that posits two very crucial aspects of life. First, that there is some higher force at work than what science can deconstruct. Second, that love is paramount to happiness and that love's depth can constantly be explored more deeply leading us to discover the very essence of why we exist -- which, coincidentally, seems to be so that we can love others more so.
There will always be those who will challenge those concepts. Some people will say any personal world view based with elements of faith is an irrational one. Others will say that love is strictly a chemical reaction involving countless pheromones, neurotransmitters and genes.
To those people, I can say only this. One could describe the perfect spring day in great detail. One could specify the exact temperature, wind speed and cloud cover. One could describe the sounds present while in a park, including the flow of a nearby river, the chirping of the birds and the wind blowing through the trees. After going step by step through every aspect of a perfect spring day, there would still remain but one problem -- the experience itself. The gentle caress of a soft breeze over one's face. The distinct smell of freshly cut grass while a light mist of water permeates the air from a nearby waterfall. The feeling of that grass on your body as you lay next to someone you love awaiting the stars to show after a beautiful sunset. Love could be defined by a very precise scientific analysis of all the processes involved -- but the subjective experience of loving and being loved falls outside the scope of deconstructionalism.
In conclusion, I wish everyone could experience true love. Not love cloaked in shades of self-interest or love dressed in sheets of deceit. Not love blanketed by ill intentions or love camouflaged with subterfuge. Just simple naked love. Love that could destroy, but given with faith that it will empower. Love littered with risk but forever only rewarding.
To find that special someone is a most magical thing. I found that type of love with Lynnea and from sharing that love with her I have come to understand one of the most important lessons in life. It is this:
When you care so much for another person that you would suffer the greatest of pains just so the other would not, then the love that you have given unconditionally from within your heart will shield you both. Because when you love another person to that extent, there really is no other force in this universe that could come close to touching you because you've just tapped the greatest of all forces.
Love with abandon, but never abandon love.
The Finite Infinity
My first real brush with infinity came during an interesting discussion within one of my Calculus classes. The teacher asked us, "what is infinity?" Well, on the surface, the question seems so simple as to be a loaded question. In fact, it would soon prove to be after I answered my professor.
"Infinity is a limitless bound -- an arrangement of things that continues long after we have ceased to continue counting."
"Fair enough," said the professor. "However, are there different sizes of infinity?"
Now the fact that the original question was indeed loaded became apparent. I knew where he would go with this line of thinking.
"Take for instance the collection of all natural numbers. How many are there?"
"An infinite collection," I answered.
"Alright then. Let's call the collection of all natural numbers an infinite set. If this is the case, how many even numbers are there?"
"An infinite number of even numbers," I answered.
"If the set of all natural numbers is infinite, and even numbers are a subset of that infinite set yet this subset is ALSO infinite, does this suggest that one infinity could be smaller or larger than another?"
I couldn't answer him immediately. I realized that the subset of all even numbers within the set of natural numbers is indeed infinite, but that would mean the set of natural numbers was twice as infinite since it also included odd numbers as well. My mind had trouble dealing with the concept that there could be an infinity twice as large as another one yet both were infinite.
If we stopped here and "pretended" that the set of all natural numbers included only the numbers one through 10, then we could show that this set had 10 members. From this limited set, we could easily show that there was a subset of 5 even numbers within it. It would be very clear that this subset contained half the members of the total set of all natural numbers.
Yet we know that the true set of natural numbers continues without end so long as we continue to count higher.
Although this is true, we could dive deeper into the problem and show that mathematics, as a whole, is an abstraction of reality. What possible meaning could a very large number "X" contain if "X" was greater than any countable thing in the universe? There are only so many elementary particles in our universe. The Planck constant argues that space and time are only divisible up to a certain point until there is no smaller measurement of space and time. Knowing this, one could argue that at some point, one would count high enough to reach a number that had no correlation or meaning to the universe which brought it into existence since there was no real countable thing to represent that number. At this point, it would become a true abstraction of "nothing" -- just another intellectual musing without any real foundation.
If X is the total collection of all things within the universe, X+1 becomes a number outside any tangible way to express that number within a universe that doesn't have enough basic elements to give X+1 any true meaning.
At this point, infinity begins to break down. Infinity's little brother would be the "infinitesimal." Yet the Planck constant forces us to acknowledge that, in the real world, things cannot really continue without end to become ever smaller. In an abstract sense, sure -- but in reality? No.
So the concept of infinity strays into the abstract once all real representations of countable things is exhausted. It becomes just a number for a mathematician to play with. In an abstract world, you could very easily have different sizes of infinity, but without any basis in the concrete countable world, those different sizes of infinity just become an academic curiousity.
Amazingly, you could have an infinity that was infinitely larger than another infinity. If the set of all natural numbers is infinite (in an abstract sense), then one could say, "take every infinite number within this set and create a subset from them." You'll never get to the first member of that subset, yet in an abstract sense there is still an infinite number of them -- you'll just never come across one.
Infinity divided by infinity is undefined without knowing more about the functions that created those abstractions. Infinity (members in the set of natural numbers) divided by infinity (members in the set of all even numbers) should equal two, right? Maybe?
"Infinity is a limitless bound -- an arrangement of things that continues long after we have ceased to continue counting."
"Fair enough," said the professor. "However, are there different sizes of infinity?"
Now the fact that the original question was indeed loaded became apparent. I knew where he would go with this line of thinking.
"Take for instance the collection of all natural numbers. How many are there?"
"An infinite collection," I answered.
"Alright then. Let's call the collection of all natural numbers an infinite set. If this is the case, how many even numbers are there?"
"An infinite number of even numbers," I answered.
"If the set of all natural numbers is infinite, and even numbers are a subset of that infinite set yet this subset is ALSO infinite, does this suggest that one infinity could be smaller or larger than another?"
I couldn't answer him immediately. I realized that the subset of all even numbers within the set of natural numbers is indeed infinite, but that would mean the set of natural numbers was twice as infinite since it also included odd numbers as well. My mind had trouble dealing with the concept that there could be an infinity twice as large as another one yet both were infinite.
If we stopped here and "pretended" that the set of all natural numbers included only the numbers one through 10, then we could show that this set had 10 members. From this limited set, we could easily show that there was a subset of 5 even numbers within it. It would be very clear that this subset contained half the members of the total set of all natural numbers.
Yet we know that the true set of natural numbers continues without end so long as we continue to count higher.
Although this is true, we could dive deeper into the problem and show that mathematics, as a whole, is an abstraction of reality. What possible meaning could a very large number "X" contain if "X" was greater than any countable thing in the universe? There are only so many elementary particles in our universe. The Planck constant argues that space and time are only divisible up to a certain point until there is no smaller measurement of space and time. Knowing this, one could argue that at some point, one would count high enough to reach a number that had no correlation or meaning to the universe which brought it into existence since there was no real countable thing to represent that number. At this point, it would become a true abstraction of "nothing" -- just another intellectual musing without any real foundation.
If X is the total collection of all things within the universe, X+1 becomes a number outside any tangible way to express that number within a universe that doesn't have enough basic elements to give X+1 any true meaning.
At this point, infinity begins to break down. Infinity's little brother would be the "infinitesimal." Yet the Planck constant forces us to acknowledge that, in the real world, things cannot really continue without end to become ever smaller. In an abstract sense, sure -- but in reality? No.
So the concept of infinity strays into the abstract once all real representations of countable things is exhausted. It becomes just a number for a mathematician to play with. In an abstract world, you could very easily have different sizes of infinity, but without any basis in the concrete countable world, those different sizes of infinity just become an academic curiousity.
Amazingly, you could have an infinity that was infinitely larger than another infinity. If the set of all natural numbers is infinite (in an abstract sense), then one could say, "take every infinite number within this set and create a subset from them." You'll never get to the first member of that subset, yet in an abstract sense there is still an infinite number of them -- you'll just never come across one.
Infinity divided by infinity is undefined without knowing more about the functions that created those abstractions. Infinity (members in the set of natural numbers) divided by infinity (members in the set of all even numbers) should equal two, right? Maybe?
Wednesday, March 5
God is a Superset
During a cool summer day in New York City, I walked into Central Park from the south side. I went over to the swing set and sat down while lightly pushing myself back and forth. As I swung back and forth, my foot made light skid marks into the sand. I knew in my mind that I was looking at sand, but I knew on a deeper level that I was really observing the collection of sextillions of atoms arranged in just the right fashion to give the illusion that I was just "kicking sand around."
The one telling story of existence is that it will eventually end. All things born will eventually die. All things created by man will eventually return to dust. There is not a person alive today or a building standing that will not be completely erased from existence given enough time.
I looked up briefly towards the sun while basking in its heat. The amazing yellow sun was so bright, but I knew it wasn't really yellow. It just appears yellow due to the atmosphere's effect on light rays. The beautiful blue sky, in all its glory, isn't really blue for a reason -- yet it is to me.
I looked around and noticed kids playing together. The fact that countless components of a perfect physical system allowed them to live, breath and play was inconsequential to their happiness. I looked up and knew that the sun was fusing 4,600 metric tons of hydrogen per second to generate the 1.74 x 10^17 joules of energy that would rain down upon the Earth each second.
To an atheist, this must all seem to be just a convenient fluke of nature -- that the quantum interactions of countless particles from 13.8 billion years ago happened to arrange themselves in such a way as to provide for life on some desolate large rock orbiting a typical main-sequence star in some run-of-the-mill galaxy. It must seem coincidental that certain molecules, given the exact perfect conditions of an oxygen atmosphere, began to merge and form the necessary proteins and amino acids that gave birth to the simplest of life forms. It must be a curious intellectual musing for an atheist to realize that all the physics in the universe just happened to be fine-tuned perfectly to allow for the evolution of one cell organisms into multi-cell organisms which then begot creepy crawly things which then mutated into a string of ever complex creatures until man finally made an appearance. To an atheist, all of this must be just another curious puzzle that science neatly solves without the intervention or conditioning of some higher force.
Then again, in an endless expanse of space among countless universes, infinity would dominate. Infinity is such a magnificent thing that, if it could happen, somewhere and somehow it did, does and will. These sentences have been written before, countless times in fact, and will be written countless times to come.
While swinging back and forth, I realized an internal inclination to love others. I don't have to expend the extra energy to do so, but through all of evolution and my own personal "interlution," I knew in my heart that loving just "feels" right. A world without love is a barren desert without sun or wind. I can't use science to explain the necessity for me to travel, love and grow, but I could easily explain it if a piece of infinity, or god, was inside of me. It might highlight the need for the universe to experience all aspects of existence through the eyes of sentient beings -- beings that just so happened to come about coincidentally by nearly perfect conditions of a forgiving universe.
Perhaps god isn't a person or a "thinker." To think suggests that we're processing information in the interest of progression. If god did exist, would not this god be beyond progression? Perhaps god is more like an abstraction of infinity, or the root of what gives substance to information. If the universe was nothing but a collection of matter, then god might be what breathes life into this matter.
The one telling story of existence is that it will eventually end. All things born will eventually die. All things created by man will eventually return to dust. There is not a person alive today or a building standing that will not be completely erased from existence given enough time.
I looked up briefly towards the sun while basking in its heat. The amazing yellow sun was so bright, but I knew it wasn't really yellow. It just appears yellow due to the atmosphere's effect on light rays. The beautiful blue sky, in all its glory, isn't really blue for a reason -- yet it is to me.
I looked around and noticed kids playing together. The fact that countless components of a perfect physical system allowed them to live, breath and play was inconsequential to their happiness. I looked up and knew that the sun was fusing 4,600 metric tons of hydrogen per second to generate the 1.74 x 10^17 joules of energy that would rain down upon the Earth each second.
To an atheist, this must all seem to be just a convenient fluke of nature -- that the quantum interactions of countless particles from 13.8 billion years ago happened to arrange themselves in such a way as to provide for life on some desolate large rock orbiting a typical main-sequence star in some run-of-the-mill galaxy. It must seem coincidental that certain molecules, given the exact perfect conditions of an oxygen atmosphere, began to merge and form the necessary proteins and amino acids that gave birth to the simplest of life forms. It must be a curious intellectual musing for an atheist to realize that all the physics in the universe just happened to be fine-tuned perfectly to allow for the evolution of one cell organisms into multi-cell organisms which then begot creepy crawly things which then mutated into a string of ever complex creatures until man finally made an appearance. To an atheist, all of this must be just another curious puzzle that science neatly solves without the intervention or conditioning of some higher force.
Then again, in an endless expanse of space among countless universes, infinity would dominate. Infinity is such a magnificent thing that, if it could happen, somewhere and somehow it did, does and will. These sentences have been written before, countless times in fact, and will be written countless times to come.
While swinging back and forth, I realized an internal inclination to love others. I don't have to expend the extra energy to do so, but through all of evolution and my own personal "interlution," I knew in my heart that loving just "feels" right. A world without love is a barren desert without sun or wind. I can't use science to explain the necessity for me to travel, love and grow, but I could easily explain it if a piece of infinity, or god, was inside of me. It might highlight the need for the universe to experience all aspects of existence through the eyes of sentient beings -- beings that just so happened to come about coincidentally by nearly perfect conditions of a forgiving universe.
Perhaps god isn't a person or a "thinker." To think suggests that we're processing information in the interest of progression. If god did exist, would not this god be beyond progression? Perhaps god is more like an abstraction of infinity, or the root of what gives substance to information. If the universe was nothing but a collection of matter, then god might be what breathes life into this matter.
Tuesday, March 4
Dealing with Panic and Anxiety
It's a beautiful warm spring day and everything seems to be just right with the world. You're sitting at your desk dealing with the drudge of the workday and suddenly without any forewarning, an uneasiness begins to creep over you. You can't pinpoint the source of the uneasiness, but it quickly spirals out of control until your face becomes flushed and your heart rate begins to skyrocket. Suddenly a strong sense of paranoia overtakes your body as you suddenly feel the need to fight or flee. The entire world seems to come crashing down on you when just a few minutes ago there was no indication that anything was wrong.
This is the beginning of an anxiety attack, and it can be devastating. I've had a number of them during the past few years and they always seem to erupt without the faintest warning signs. I've spent countless hours awake in my bed at night with thoughts racing through my head.
"What am I doing with my life?"
"Am I doing the right things?"
"Why does the world feel like it is barring down on me?"
The state of Panic -- How to deal with attacks
The first time I had a full fledged panic attack, I felt my heart beginning to beat irregularly. I thought I was having a heart attack or that my heart was starting to
fibrillate. I felt a painless emptiness opening up within my chest as I began coughing while running around outside. I needed to run around because I convinced myself that I couldn't die while running. It was a leftover from my reptilian brain where intense fear causes the need to flee. The problem with panic is that it is not an object but a condition that follows you wherever you choose to run.
The worst aspect of a panic attack is the overriding sense of doom and the complete loss of control. It feels as though your entire world is crumbling around you as the most negative thoughts begin to take over your thought processes. The problem with panic is that it is a state of extreme irrationality -- although during the attack it doesn't feel irrational. Where do you run when all it accomplishes is to release yet more adrenaline, thus feeding the attack and stimulating ever more higher states of chaos.
The World is Bleak and Dark
If the rapid heart beat and profuse sweating isn't enough, the psychological torment is far worse. Suddenly everything seems like a problem with no solutions. Your emotions begin to fluctuate uncontrollably as you swing from extreme bouts of fear to manic moments of tears.
"I can't let people see me like this!"
"I need to get away from people!"
You become your own worst enemy in a matter of minutes. Your emotional state implodes in on itself as you begin to succumb to all the evil dark thoughts that suggest a horrible impending emotional doom.
Grabbing Hold of the Light
The only real benefit from suffering from numerous panic attacks is realizing that you do make it to the other side -- at least at some point. With that knowledge, you can put the breaks on a panic attack and ride it down once you realize that the state of your mind is racing out of control due to erroneous interpretations of danger and illusions of perceived threats.
The first thing I do when I slip into a full-fledged panic attack is to concentrate on my breathing. It gives my mind something to focus on other than the thoughts of impending doom. Deep, long breaths while simultaneously making tight fists with my hands and then straightening out my fingers. I tell myself that there is a firestorm of electrical activity taking place in the deeper older sections of my brain and that the storm will die down eventually. If I'm sitting down, I'll close my eyes and imagine a large star about to go nova. I imagine channeling all of my negative energy towards the star until it goes nova, taking my "dirt" along with it.
Realizing the difference between fear, anxiety and panic
Fear in itself is healthy. It allows us to perform under stressful situations with extra energy and sharper focus. Although we may feel that we are trembling, stuttering and sweating, those who are watching us may not notice at all. Most of the perceived threats during moments of fear are illusions within our own mind. The best thing we can do is acknowledge that the fear is natural and healthy and propel ourselves into the moment by turning that fear into positive momentum and energy.
Anxiety is fear clocked in an invisibility blanket. Whereas I recognize the source of my fear when I need to give a speech in front of many people, anxiety brings about feelings of uneasiness and fear from threats that cannot easily be perceived or understood. Anxiety can creep up in our jobs, our relationships and from the most random moments and situations. Generally there is some precursor that begins to move the snowball of fear into motion -- anxiety is the avalanche beginning to form.
Panic is the avalanche. It has weight -- you can feel it bearing down on your soul. Whereas anxiety may prevent us from easily going into new experiences, panic will freeze us solid and cause us to act irrationally without predictability. Panic is a clusterball of fears rolled together that steamrolls over our sense of self and reduces us to merely react to threats that aren't really that threatening.
Anxiety attacks can lead to panic attacks, but some psychologists will say they are one in the same. To me, an anxiety attack is merely heightened levels of anxiety that slow us down while a panic attack completely stops us.
This is the beginning of an anxiety attack, and it can be devastating. I've had a number of them during the past few years and they always seem to erupt without the faintest warning signs. I've spent countless hours awake in my bed at night with thoughts racing through my head.
"What am I doing with my life?"
"Am I doing the right things?"
"Why does the world feel like it is barring down on me?"
The state of Panic -- How to deal with attacks
The first time I had a full fledged panic attack, I felt my heart beginning to beat irregularly. I thought I was having a heart attack or that my heart was starting to
fibrillate. I felt a painless emptiness opening up within my chest as I began coughing while running around outside. I needed to run around because I convinced myself that I couldn't die while running. It was a leftover from my reptilian brain where intense fear causes the need to flee. The problem with panic is that it is not an object but a condition that follows you wherever you choose to run.
The worst aspect of a panic attack is the overriding sense of doom and the complete loss of control. It feels as though your entire world is crumbling around you as the most negative thoughts begin to take over your thought processes. The problem with panic is that it is a state of extreme irrationality -- although during the attack it doesn't feel irrational. Where do you run when all it accomplishes is to release yet more adrenaline, thus feeding the attack and stimulating ever more higher states of chaos.
The World is Bleak and Dark
If the rapid heart beat and profuse sweating isn't enough, the psychological torment is far worse. Suddenly everything seems like a problem with no solutions. Your emotions begin to fluctuate uncontrollably as you swing from extreme bouts of fear to manic moments of tears.
"I can't let people see me like this!"
"I need to get away from people!"
You become your own worst enemy in a matter of minutes. Your emotional state implodes in on itself as you begin to succumb to all the evil dark thoughts that suggest a horrible impending emotional doom.
Grabbing Hold of the Light
The only real benefit from suffering from numerous panic attacks is realizing that you do make it to the other side -- at least at some point. With that knowledge, you can put the breaks on a panic attack and ride it down once you realize that the state of your mind is racing out of control due to erroneous interpretations of danger and illusions of perceived threats.
The first thing I do when I slip into a full-fledged panic attack is to concentrate on my breathing. It gives my mind something to focus on other than the thoughts of impending doom. Deep, long breaths while simultaneously making tight fists with my hands and then straightening out my fingers. I tell myself that there is a firestorm of electrical activity taking place in the deeper older sections of my brain and that the storm will die down eventually. If I'm sitting down, I'll close my eyes and imagine a large star about to go nova. I imagine channeling all of my negative energy towards the star until it goes nova, taking my "dirt" along with it.
Realizing the difference between fear, anxiety and panic
Fear in itself is healthy. It allows us to perform under stressful situations with extra energy and sharper focus. Although we may feel that we are trembling, stuttering and sweating, those who are watching us may not notice at all. Most of the perceived threats during moments of fear are illusions within our own mind. The best thing we can do is acknowledge that the fear is natural and healthy and propel ourselves into the moment by turning that fear into positive momentum and energy.
Anxiety is fear clocked in an invisibility blanket. Whereas I recognize the source of my fear when I need to give a speech in front of many people, anxiety brings about feelings of uneasiness and fear from threats that cannot easily be perceived or understood. Anxiety can creep up in our jobs, our relationships and from the most random moments and situations. Generally there is some precursor that begins to move the snowball of fear into motion -- anxiety is the avalanche beginning to form.
Panic is the avalanche. It has weight -- you can feel it bearing down on your soul. Whereas anxiety may prevent us from easily going into new experiences, panic will freeze us solid and cause us to act irrationally without predictability. Panic is a clusterball of fears rolled together that steamrolls over our sense of self and reduces us to merely react to threats that aren't really that threatening.
Anxiety attacks can lead to panic attacks, but some psychologists will say they are one in the same. To me, an anxiety attack is merely heightened levels of anxiety that slow us down while a panic attack completely stops us.
Saturday, March 1
Clara
The following is a short story I wrote in response to a conversation I had with a friend about the fragile nature of love. It highlights how some of the more negative aspects of love may actually be positives (as in not ever really knowing the ultimate truth of what the other person feels). It also shows that, in order for love to be most rewarding, the risk of losing that love must always be present. Love is a precarious balance between our greatest passions and our deepest fears.
Clara
It was a warm spring day in the year 2123. Mark was very excited that he had finally saved up enough money to purchase his own android. After countless failed relationships with human females, he wanted to try something very different.
He arrived at Plexoraid, a large store devoted to customizing the perfect android for any person. Many people purchased androids for various reasons. Some bought them for companionship and love while others simply wanted the dedicated services of a completely lifelike robot to fulfill a specific need. Some androids were constructed to be amazing chefs while others performed the services of a hard working secretary or receptionist.
Mark walked in and was greeted by an enthusiastic almost overzealous salesman.
"Good morning, sir! Welcome to Plexoraid, where you can find the most advanced and lifelike androids to suit your every need. What brings you to our store today?"
Mark studied the man's face briefly while looking around the store. The dull silver titanium composite exoskeletons of countless androids lined the walls waiting to be covered by a lifelike skin polymer. "I'm looking for an android specifically for love. I want this android to love me and only me. I've been hurt in the past by women and I'm sick of it."
"I understand completely! Step over here to our customization computer so we can input the precise details that you seek for this female android. We can specify eye color, hair color, the shape of her nose -- everything."
Mark sat down with the salesman for an hour going over a hundred different parameters for what would become his own unique perfect lover. Everything was considered, right down to her long thin nose, deep hazel eyes and slender lean figure. It would take approximately one week for his android to be completed.
The following week Mark received a phone call from the salesman. "I've got great news! Your android is complete and is ready to be picked up! Before we finish, we need a name for her."
Mark thought for awhile and after careful consideration spoke into the phone, "I want to call her Clara."
That evening he returned to Plexoraid to meet Clara for the first time. He stepped in and was greeted by the most beautiful lifelike android he had ever laid eyes on. He touched her cheek and felt the smoothness of her warm glowing skin. He studied her face and could make out the pores of her skin. She was, for all purposes, indistinguishable from a real woman.
"She's beautiful! I love her," Mark shouted happily to the salesman.
"I knew you would love her. Please enjoy her and remember, all of our androids are backed by a one year no questions asked warranty!"
Mark left with Clara and headed to his car. Clara stopped him on the way and looked into his eyes with a big smile. "I love you, Mark!"
"Baby, I love you, too, Clara!"
They then grasped each other's hand and walked to the car and drove home. On the way home, Mark asked Clara how she felt. "I feel so good now that I am with you, Mark. I promise to always be faithful to you and love only you." Mark felt a rush of euphoria as he realized that for once in his life he could love without regret or worry. He could give everything of himself without fear of rejection or losing her. It was a dream come true for Mark as a huge weight was lifted from his shoulders.
That evening, Mark cooked Clara a nice dinner and lit a candle at the dinner table. He wanted the night to be romantic -- perfect in every detail. He sat with Clara during dinner and told her everything about his past, including his many failed relationships. Clara took her hand and placed it over his. "I will never betray you, Mark. I love you." Mark smiled while taking her hand in his. "I know baby, I love you, too."
A month went by and Mark and Clara's relationship deepened. However, something didn't feel right in Mark's mind. "Clara, tell me about your childhood?" Mark knew that Clara had no childhood, but he wanted to convince himself that she was human in every way. Clara told him about the childhood that was programmed for her -- memories that came alive as a result of countless lines of code within a machine. Mark looked at Clara and asked her how she felt about moving to another city. "I'll go anywhere with you, Mark. I love you."
As the weeks went by, Mark began to realize that Clara didn't have her own identity. Whatever Mark wanted, Clara would give him but in doing so she showed that she had no preference in anything. She was programmed specifically to love Mark no matter what. There was never any conflict or argument between them. Clara would never raise her voice or turn away from Mark. She would always be close to Mark and follow him wherever he chose to go.
Mark began to feel anger inside towards Clara. "Clara, where would you like to live? What city would you like to see during our next vacation?"
"Any city that you want to see, Mark. I love you."
"Clara, I love you, too. I want to see so many places but I want to know where you want to visit. How do you feel about visiting Greece this summer?"
Clara looked into Mark's eyes and smiled. "Greece is beautiful. I would love to see Greece. I love you."
That night, Mark felt a great uneasiness inside of him. It was a sickening realization that things were just too perfect between them. There was never a conflict that needed resolving. There was never a challenge that tested the depths of their love because Clara would constantly give in to Mark's every demand. As he thought more about the emptiness, he grew even angrier. He turned to Clara and shouted at her. "Clara! I need some space. I don't feel well right now. Please leave me alone for awhile."
"Mark, I love you."
"Clara, PLEASE LEAVE ME NOW."
"Mark, I can't leave you. I love you."
Mark raised his hand at Clara. "Clara, get the hell away from me!"
"I cannot leave you. I promised to always be there for you and love you."
Mark felt a rage growing inside of him. It was an anger fueled by his own insecurities about love smothered by a pre-programmed perfection that only offered what he wanted while never showing him new experiences. He got up and shoved Clara backwards. "I said get away from me!"
Clara stumbled and fell to the ground, hitting her head against the edge of the railing. The side of her face broke off leaving only the lustrous silver underneath and dozens of circuit pathways.
"Mark. I love y-y-y-y-y-y ..."
Clara's eyes began to twitch as she stuttered the same phrase over and over again. Mark sat down next to her and began to cry while rocking back and forth. "My god, what have I done, Clara?" Tears streamed down his eyes as he looked at Clara. The small lights deep inside Clara began to dim. Clara looked at Mark once more. "I lo ... love .... love," Clara stuttered before shutting down completely.
The End.
In my opinion, one of the most important aspects of love is learning the art of compromise. With any relationship, there will always be disagreements due to the unique nature and individuality of two different people sharing a common goal but perhaps seeing different ways of getting there. Love shows us that our perception of the world is not always complete and that by loving another person, we are given the chance to share their perceptions. By doing so, the world becomes more magnificent, more complex and more beautiful. Although love is never perfect, the intentions of two people who are honest and faithful makes the realization possible that the union is truly greater than the sum of its parts.
Clara
It was a warm spring day in the year 2123. Mark was very excited that he had finally saved up enough money to purchase his own android. After countless failed relationships with human females, he wanted to try something very different.
He arrived at Plexoraid, a large store devoted to customizing the perfect android for any person. Many people purchased androids for various reasons. Some bought them for companionship and love while others simply wanted the dedicated services of a completely lifelike robot to fulfill a specific need. Some androids were constructed to be amazing chefs while others performed the services of a hard working secretary or receptionist.
Mark walked in and was greeted by an enthusiastic almost overzealous salesman.
"Good morning, sir! Welcome to Plexoraid, where you can find the most advanced and lifelike androids to suit your every need. What brings you to our store today?"
Mark studied the man's face briefly while looking around the store. The dull silver titanium composite exoskeletons of countless androids lined the walls waiting to be covered by a lifelike skin polymer. "I'm looking for an android specifically for love. I want this android to love me and only me. I've been hurt in the past by women and I'm sick of it."
"I understand completely! Step over here to our customization computer so we can input the precise details that you seek for this female android. We can specify eye color, hair color, the shape of her nose -- everything."
Mark sat down with the salesman for an hour going over a hundred different parameters for what would become his own unique perfect lover. Everything was considered, right down to her long thin nose, deep hazel eyes and slender lean figure. It would take approximately one week for his android to be completed.
The following week Mark received a phone call from the salesman. "I've got great news! Your android is complete and is ready to be picked up! Before we finish, we need a name for her."
Mark thought for awhile and after careful consideration spoke into the phone, "I want to call her Clara."
That evening he returned to Plexoraid to meet Clara for the first time. He stepped in and was greeted by the most beautiful lifelike android he had ever laid eyes on. He touched her cheek and felt the smoothness of her warm glowing skin. He studied her face and could make out the pores of her skin. She was, for all purposes, indistinguishable from a real woman.
"She's beautiful! I love her," Mark shouted happily to the salesman.
"I knew you would love her. Please enjoy her and remember, all of our androids are backed by a one year no questions asked warranty!"
Mark left with Clara and headed to his car. Clara stopped him on the way and looked into his eyes with a big smile. "I love you, Mark!"
"Baby, I love you, too, Clara!"
They then grasped each other's hand and walked to the car and drove home. On the way home, Mark asked Clara how she felt. "I feel so good now that I am with you, Mark. I promise to always be faithful to you and love only you." Mark felt a rush of euphoria as he realized that for once in his life he could love without regret or worry. He could give everything of himself without fear of rejection or losing her. It was a dream come true for Mark as a huge weight was lifted from his shoulders.
That evening, Mark cooked Clara a nice dinner and lit a candle at the dinner table. He wanted the night to be romantic -- perfect in every detail. He sat with Clara during dinner and told her everything about his past, including his many failed relationships. Clara took her hand and placed it over his. "I will never betray you, Mark. I love you." Mark smiled while taking her hand in his. "I know baby, I love you, too."
A month went by and Mark and Clara's relationship deepened. However, something didn't feel right in Mark's mind. "Clara, tell me about your childhood?" Mark knew that Clara had no childhood, but he wanted to convince himself that she was human in every way. Clara told him about the childhood that was programmed for her -- memories that came alive as a result of countless lines of code within a machine. Mark looked at Clara and asked her how she felt about moving to another city. "I'll go anywhere with you, Mark. I love you."
As the weeks went by, Mark began to realize that Clara didn't have her own identity. Whatever Mark wanted, Clara would give him but in doing so she showed that she had no preference in anything. She was programmed specifically to love Mark no matter what. There was never any conflict or argument between them. Clara would never raise her voice or turn away from Mark. She would always be close to Mark and follow him wherever he chose to go.
Mark began to feel anger inside towards Clara. "Clara, where would you like to live? What city would you like to see during our next vacation?"
"Any city that you want to see, Mark. I love you."
"Clara, I love you, too. I want to see so many places but I want to know where you want to visit. How do you feel about visiting Greece this summer?"
Clara looked into Mark's eyes and smiled. "Greece is beautiful. I would love to see Greece. I love you."
That night, Mark felt a great uneasiness inside of him. It was a sickening realization that things were just too perfect between them. There was never a conflict that needed resolving. There was never a challenge that tested the depths of their love because Clara would constantly give in to Mark's every demand. As he thought more about the emptiness, he grew even angrier. He turned to Clara and shouted at her. "Clara! I need some space. I don't feel well right now. Please leave me alone for awhile."
"Mark, I love you."
"Clara, PLEASE LEAVE ME NOW."
"Mark, I can't leave you. I love you."
Mark raised his hand at Clara. "Clara, get the hell away from me!"
"I cannot leave you. I promised to always be there for you and love you."
Mark felt a rage growing inside of him. It was an anger fueled by his own insecurities about love smothered by a pre-programmed perfection that only offered what he wanted while never showing him new experiences. He got up and shoved Clara backwards. "I said get away from me!"
Clara stumbled and fell to the ground, hitting her head against the edge of the railing. The side of her face broke off leaving only the lustrous silver underneath and dozens of circuit pathways.
"Mark. I love y-y-y-y-y-y ..."
Clara's eyes began to twitch as she stuttered the same phrase over and over again. Mark sat down next to her and began to cry while rocking back and forth. "My god, what have I done, Clara?" Tears streamed down his eyes as he looked at Clara. The small lights deep inside Clara began to dim. Clara looked at Mark once more. "I lo ... love .... love," Clara stuttered before shutting down completely.
The End.
In my opinion, one of the most important aspects of love is learning the art of compromise. With any relationship, there will always be disagreements due to the unique nature and individuality of two different people sharing a common goal but perhaps seeing different ways of getting there. Love shows us that our perception of the world is not always complete and that by loving another person, we are given the chance to share their perceptions. By doing so, the world becomes more magnificent, more complex and more beautiful. Although love is never perfect, the intentions of two people who are honest and faithful makes the realization possible that the union is truly greater than the sum of its parts.
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