Illusions and Reality

Preface:

This will probably be quite a long and detailed blog entry. Let me first start off by stating that I sometimes wish I wasn't so intelligent and capable of seeing the world for what it is, but at the same time that very ability allows me to see so much beauty. Unfortunately, that beauty is a complex beauty and is filled with both reality and illusions. This blog entry is about love, faith, god and spirituality. It is a first-pass to get my thoughts on paper (e-paper). I hope someone else gains some understanding from what I'm about to write.

There is a special type of depression that is very common among intelligent people. That type of depression is called Existential depression. The roots of existential depression are buried deep within the very essence of the meaning and purpose of life. It has three primary facets:

1) That no matter how close we get to another person, there will always remain some type of gap. We are, in essence, always alone in some fashion no matter how close we get to another person.

2) The meaning of life or dealing with the acceptance that life is ultimately meaningless. Based on person views, one may feel inclined to recognize the structure and order in the universe and see its beauty in such a way as to formulate and construct some ideology concerning god and spirituality. However, one could just as easily recognize the pain and suffering that goes on in a chaotic world and conclude that existence is inherently flawed thus suggesting a lack of design by a supreme being.

3) Acceptance of death and, to a lesser extent, radical change. Most people can look back at their lives and recognize specific "epochs" or chapters throughout their lives. We continuously grow and evolve while learning more about the world around us -- but to what end?

I would like to focus on the first one of these as it relates to love. Recently I saw a video clip on youtube where a couple were on a game show and the husband found out that his wife secretly wanted to be with her ex and that she also had cheated on him. It devastated me to watch this because it struck a chord deep within my own belief system concerning love. I view love as a sacred thing and if two people pursue a commitment, that commitment should be honored through fidelity and honesty. All too often, though, I am reminded how easily one can be hurt through the actions of an unfaithful partner.

This goes deeper into some very spiritual vs. biological questions for me. Books like, "The Red Queen," break down love into its core components. Chemicals such as Oxytocin are primarily responsible for that strong desire to commit and remain monogamous. When this chemical is removed or blocked in animals that are usually monogamous, they become virtual playboys. The book also emphasizes a strong genetic component to the process of love and sexuality. The primary message this book sends is that love is simply the result of physical processes dictated by genetics and chemicals and that monogamy in humans is not the norm.

Stepping away from the "scientific" explanation of love, I reach deep within for a more spiritual explanation. I know that as a human I am an animal and share much in common with other primates. I do believe in evolution. However, I also believe that evolution was set forward by a "higher force" that was also responsible for putting our universe in motion. I feel that as a human, I have the intelligence and free-will to override the inclination to stray while in a relationship and remain faithful to a woman despite the physical desire to seek out new experiences.

When I speak of spirituality, I resort to faith. I have no proof that a god of some type exists but I have faith based on my interpretation of reality. True faith is constantly challenged, though. There are days when I read a news story about unthinkable actions committed by another human being and I am left to question god's role in the universe and whether or not we as humans are merely machines albeit very complex ones. Faith is a curious construct because it requires us to act on what many people would call "delusional thinking." However I like to believe that my faith is based on an inner intuition that transcends science while allowing me to come closer to some type of ultimate truth.

If we are indeed just machines that exist in a purely deterministic world while possessing the illusion of free-will, then everything we do in life is set in motion strictly by our genetic code and happenstance throughout life. It is a mind-numbing belief to hold because it robs one of all spirituality and reduces the universe to nothing more than a huge complex clock that will eventually die down and stop permanently.

There are times in my life where I have felt love and those feelings seemed to sink deeper into my soul than what pure science would allow for. Again, this is my intuition speaking based solely on anecdotal evidence. I have learned that money (at least for me) is inconsequential to my happiness, but love is paramount for it. There is no better feeling in the world than to give another person honest love and receive it back from them in full. It is like touching some aspect of god and connecting to something both unknowable and unattainable while also realizing that it flows through us at all times and is constantly there for us to discover.

At some point, a person will seek out the love of another and embark on a relationship that consists of a long commitment. The question then becomes, "as two people grow older and discover different things about life, is it possible for them to simultaneously grow together instead of growing apart?" Is it possible to retain the passion that is present early within a relationship and let it permeate throughout time even into old age?

In my opinion, when one makes a promise to commit to another (whether through marriage or some type of union), that promise should be an indelible inscription across two souls for the remainder of their lives. It "feels" like the right thing to do because, at some point, the challenge of living and experiencing life also becomes intertwined with the preciousness of a solid relationship where two people stand beside one another no matter how difficult the journey. Why? Because that union possesses some element of god and through that unity, the world takes on more structure and stabilization.

Poem

As I sit beside you in gentle silence,
while the night creeps toward day,
a blanket of calmness wraps around me,
words don't exist that let me say,
how amazing it is to be beside you,
but in the depths of my soul I do pray,
that the moment lingers forever,
as we express our love in silence,
in so many thousands of ways.

Long Time no Talk

It has been a while since I've made a blog entry because I've been so busy with things but I felt this past weekend definitely deserved one. I'm probably going to come across sounding like a Jr. High kid who just went on his first prom date but I'll try to keep it mature.

This weekend I flew to Colorado to meet my best friend Lynnea. I've known Lynnea for about six years and have only met her once before while in Vegas. I can honestly say that throughout the years, I've always felt a bond with her that is indescibable. I know what you're thinking - "How can you really feel a bond for someone like that when you live so far from her?"

Well, part of it stems from the fact that we've had more phone conversations, online chats and skype sessions than I can count. That allowed us to get to know each other on the inside and become very close friends. There is something very genuine and pure about Lynnea. I've known a lot of women in my life but none as compassionate, spiritual, intelligent and charismatic.

Nervous is a bit too strong of a word to use when descibing my emotional state before she picked me up at Denver International Airport, but any nervousness that I had felt quickly vanished within 10 minutes. I realized at that moment that I was with the same girl I had grown to love and respect after so many years and that we had so much in common.

I won't go into any details about the weekend, but I can say that it was definitely one of the most enjoyable and special weekends of my life. It feels so amazing to meet and be with someone that you love (and they you) unconditionally. I've been on too many "dates" where I or the other person seemed to put up walls, false impressions or just spent more time worrying about what to say than just saying it. I felt none of that with her -- in fact, I felt more calm and comfortable around her than I usually do in general. We went out together and had quite a few "interesting" experiences (like a guy coming up to our table while we had dinner to ask for her number!).

I can't articulate the emotions and feelings into words but suffice it to say that she is an extremely special person and I hope that we always have each other in our lives.

To put it simply, it feels so wonderful to just walk gently yet confidently in love rather than run anxiously and confused through endless unknowns. In other words, when you are with someone and you feel you've been married to them for 20 years, it probably speaks volumes about just how special of a relationship you share with them and how important it is to respect and honor that bond.

I know I will.

/not spell-checking this one tonight