Sideways 8

Since my last blog posting was about infinity, I wanted to write another quick entry about something related to infinity -- love. I've loved various women in the past and have been in love before. However, I have never loved a woman as much as I love a very special one named Lynnea.

Unfortunately there is a deficit within the English language when I search for the words to express my feelings for her. I can write out my feelings and string them together in sentence after sentence and paragraph after paragraph but the emotions that drive those string of words is born from a desire and passion far beyond semantics.

I have known her for nearly six years and during that time, we have shared countless experiences, stories and ups and downs. Even during somewhat long periods in the past of being out of touch with one another, I have never stopped loving her. I don't think a day would ever go by where I didn't think of her -- wondering how her day went, how she felt and if she was also thinking of me.

At some point in our relationship, I realized that she was a pure person -- an imperfect person who held a constant desire to reach ever stronger levels of spiritual and emotional perfection. Humans can never make that destination, but the drive and passion to journey towards that state is so strong within her.

I am not a religious person in the sense of believing that any particular organized religion is the path to god. I do believe in a god because I have had many experiences in my life that were intensely spiritual. I believe that religion can be a good thing, though. It can help those who need support in discovering their own unique relationship with god. It is sad that there is so much violence and confusion brought about by religion, especially considering my view that god wants every person to explore their own unique place in the universe as well as their own special connection to god.

The one thing that I have discovered in my life is that love is a very real constant that yields limitless power. From my own previous relationship with women, I found that not all relationships are founded in deep trust and respect. I learned that a woman can lie. I learned that a woman can hurt a man. I was personally hurt by a few. I carried an insufferable desire to push past the petty problems and form a robust, solid and unending base of love and trust with a woman. My idealism concerning what a relationship should be based on was often tested by the cold realities of personal selfishness, incompatible desires and the ever shifting moods that often fell misaligned when a certain moment mattered the most.

My idealism would often fall flat on its face when those incompatibilities were strongest. Love to me always meant that, despite disagreements and occasional fighting, two people would always find their way back to the warmth and compassion that an unconditional love provided. Failure in that aspect wrought walls around me. I shielded my heart from the pain of love gone south by putting up walls. It was a selfish thing to do -- both to myself and to those very few who truly understood what unconditional love meant. It was selfish to myself because I was denying myself love's greatest rewards by cowering from love's most stinging risks. It was selfish to others because, deep within my soul, I was capable of sharing immense unending compassion with another like-minded soul.

Perhaps the reason why so many people build these walls of emotional refuge is to see who cares enough to climb over them. However, hiding behind such walls is no way to go through life. Life is filled with endless experiences both heart-wrenchingly difficult and soul-brightningly beautiful. As a child, one should never fear riding a bike simply because he or she might skin their knee. Why then, as an adult, would I dare do the equivalent with love?

Lynnea was that woman for me. In the past, I'd take a step forward, retreat, move laterally, jump off the field, jump back on and build and remove that wall again and again. It was a crazy cycle of giving a bit of my heart and then quickly pulling it back away when the sun fell behind the clouds. That's no way to treat someone you love and especially no way to treat yourself. At some point, you have to trust another. Eventually, you have to march out onto the field sans wall and accept all the risks that come with giving your heart to another. You have to have faith in the person with whom you are sharing love. You have to say, "here is my everything, I want to share it with you and only you. I am allowing you into a unique place within my heart that could destroy me if you had nefarious intentions, but I trust you and choose to love you unconditionally."

There is a common element between love, spirituality and god. That element is faith. I never had an appreciation for the subtle nuisances of faith when I was younger. However, I now understand a very critical component of faith. I realize that, in life, we will never have all the answers. We will never be able to see down every fork of every road that we journey. We will never be able to prove such things as the existence of god or the permanence of love. That's where faith becomes so important. It is a deeply seeded intuition within my soul that posits two very crucial aspects of life. First, that there is some higher force at work than what science can deconstruct. Second, that love is paramount to happiness and that love's depth can constantly be explored more deeply leading us to discover the very essence of why we exist -- which, coincidentally, seems to be so that we can love others more so.

There will always be those who will challenge those concepts. Some people will say any personal world view based with elements of faith is an irrational one. Others will say that love is strictly a chemical reaction involving countless pheromones, neurotransmitters and genes.

To those people, I can say only this. One could describe the perfect spring day in great detail. One could specify the exact temperature, wind speed and cloud cover. One could describe the sounds present while in a park, including the flow of a nearby river, the chirping of the birds and the wind blowing through the trees. After going step by step through every aspect of a perfect spring day, there would still remain but one problem -- the experience itself. The gentle caress of a soft breeze over one's face. The distinct smell of freshly cut grass while a light mist of water permeates the air from a nearby waterfall. The feeling of that grass on your body as you lay next to someone you love awaiting the stars to show after a beautiful sunset. Love could be defined by a very precise scientific analysis of all the processes involved -- but the subjective experience of loving and being loved falls outside the scope of deconstructionalism.

In conclusion, I wish everyone could experience true love. Not love cloaked in shades of self-interest or love dressed in sheets of deceit. Not love blanketed by ill intentions or love camouflaged with subterfuge. Just simple naked love. Love that could destroy, but given with faith that it will empower. Love littered with risk but forever only rewarding.

To find that special someone is a most magical thing. I found that type of love with Lynnea and from sharing that love with her I have come to understand one of the most important lessons in life. It is this:

When you care so much for another person that you would suffer the greatest of pains just so the other would not, then the love that you have given unconditionally from within your heart will shield you both. Because when you love another person to that extent, there really is no other force in this universe that could come close to touching you because you've just tapped the greatest of all forces.

Love with abandon, but never abandon love.