I'm not sure what direction this blog entry will take -- I only know that it will take on many tangents in the process of finding some ultimate direction. The first thing I want to write about as a man is something called "the past." As I get older, I realize that there is something very precious that I leave behind. These things are experiences and moments that I shared with various women. I've dated quite a few females in my life and have had sex with many beautiful women. When I was younger, having sex with a hot chick was always the ultimate destination. I'm probably one of the most sexual guys I know (and since most men love sex, that's saying quite a bit). However, I have lost something very special during the process of searching for ever greater and more amazing pieces of ass.
During my quest to discover myself sexually and to discover women on a more sexual level, I neglected to appreciate and realize many of the most beautiful aspects of being with a woman. It brings me no joy in admitting that I was insecure growing up. I was told by many women that I was very attractive and held a lot of charisma. Being with a hot woman served as validation for me because I knew that part of being successful was dating an attractive and fun woman. Even though most beautiful women are generally high-maintenance, that is a small price for a man to pay when one considers all of the rewards of dating a sexy woman.
Apart from being a sexual being, I consider myself to be a very emotional and artistic guy -- but I never really allow my emotions to show on the surface. Secretly, although I had always desired the company of a woman, I held very deep seeded anxiety towards them that bordered on hatred. To put it simply, I never really "trusted" a woman -- I viewed them as callous, flighty and fickle. I struggled with this throughout much of my 20's until one day I realized that it was my own thinking that was wrong and delusional.
On my deepest level, I care immensely for any woman that has come into my life and shared something precious with me. Through all of my dating and through all of the wild parties I've had, there are only a couple of women that I've known in my life that I would do anything for. Ironically, one of them is a woman I've only met once (for a few hours). Even though she lives thousands of miles away, I know in my heart that if she were to call me today (even though we don't talk anymore), I wouldn't hesitate to fly out and give her anything -- my love, money, my hand in marriage, my soul -- anything. I told her once that I would always love her and do so unconditionally. After seeing how quickly life can be taken away from me, I made the startling realization that a part of being human -- a part of living the life we live on this planet -- is to discover what it means to give your unconditional love to another person.
I could very well go through the rest of my life without ever getting another chance to see her or speak to her, but luckily with the benefit of maturity, I was able to understand just how powerful love is in tandem with happy memories. Love transcends a lot of the superficial aspects of life. If you allow it, love will seep deep within your soul and permeate throughout your existence and show you that the most important thing we can give another person in this world is love -- unbridled passion and unreserved compassion.
I do think that hot sex is always enjoyable and exciting. There is nothing more tantalizing than pushing a girl up against the edge of the bar while looking deep into her eyes and telling her through mere body language that you will ravage her that night. Body language is a powerful and exciting thing to use in the game of romance. Excursions through lust always begin with playful domination and suggestive submissiveness. However, even sex with a supermodel grows old after time -- yet love triumphs over lust to last through eternity if one allows it.
The problem for me, though, is allowing love to embrace my heart. I believe many men are more inclined to assume the role of a hunter and to "conquer" women. As a hunter, the mere thought of having something like love "conquer" me is very scary. No man wants to give up control to his emotions -- especially one as powerful as love.
In closing, if I could redo anything from my past, I would convince myself that women aren't the evil, conniving and manipulative people that I once thought they were. I would have been more open with my internal feelings and would have learned to say, "I love you," more freely without worrying about the repercussions of losing my manhood by expressing my emotions. Sadly, my old way of thinking forced me to believe that expressing emotions such as love was a sign of weakness. In reality, expressing love and embracing the emotions that accompany love is a sign of strength and courage. I lost a lot of good relationships in my past because I was too much of a coward to confront aspects of love that I once viewed as frightening.
However, even with failed relationships, we take something along with us through our future ones. With every relationship we share with another human being, we learn about aspects of ourselves that help us to grow as a person. Some people choose early within their life to stop exploring the wonders of love and the adventures that come with giving a large piece of yourself to another.
Love comes with a huge amount of risk. That risk is allowing ourselves to become vulnerable and opening ourselves to a lot of painful moments when the person we love does something to shake and rattle the foundation of our beliefs. In the end, though, love should always be viewed as the most necessary and exciting risk we'll ever take. Money lost can be earned again. Material possessions can be replaced. Love, however, is the one thing that can fill us with immense amounts of happiness -- IF WE BELIEVE IN IT AND OPEN OUR HEARTS TO INFINITY.
I could list off a bunch of names and a simple "I'm sorry" for being such a cowardly prick in my past -- but the lessons learned are invaluable. At some point, a man must learn how to be a real man. The key is by embracing the heart of a woman without fear.
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