Love and the Great Divide

There are three inevitable facts that people eventually come to accept. In no particular order, the first realization is that no matter how much we place emphasis on a particular faith or religion, the truth will always be just outside our grasp. The next issue we grapple with is what I call the one of "ultimate purpose." We constantly evolve and change as people, and throughout our lives we are faced with many dreams that may or may not eventually come to fruitation. However, the true purpose of our life is something that we are ultimately forced to create ourselves. In some more global fashion, perhaps there is a divine plan for everything. Just as plausible is complete randomness and chaos from which we are forced to create order and purpose. The third great mystery in our lives is what I want to focus on in this blog entry -- that of love.

If you are at least in your mid-20's, you have probably been in love at least a few times in your life. Although each relationship was special in their own unique ways, the undercurrents of love that propel our emotions, desires, passion and dreams have always been with us. We are social creatures, and one of the last great goals for any person is to find another so that they can share a lifetime of experiences. It would be this "someone" that, for better or for worse, we would learn to grow with and embrace through both the best and worst moments in life. That special someone would always be by your side long after the Oxytocin had receded and the extra dopamine had dried up.

However, there is this one small point I'd like to make about love and relationships that is crucial to understanding human nature. This simple point is that, no matter how close we get to another person in our lives, there will always be some sort of divide between people. There will always be some form of separation that keeps two souls just close enough to orbit each other but far enough to keep them from truly understanding one another.

We make a lot of assumptions about love. If you ask a thousand people if they want to be in love, you would be hard pressed to find one that said no and truly meant it. However, you would probably get a lot of people to deny that they require or want to be in love -- but then again, there is probably some residual pain that lingers from a past relationship where they were betrayed in some way. What about these assumptions? Well, we put our faith and hearts into love with the understanding that the person we share a relationship with will act in good faith and return our affections. We assume that the love we share will be cemented in honesty, respect and compassion. We would never allow ourselves to enter a relationship that was superficially rewarding but cloaked in deceit, ill-will and false intentions.

A lot of psychology books will lead many to believe that love is merely the result of our own internal chemicals. That the "relationship hopping" that many take part in is due solely to the rewarding rush of chemicals that are released within the brain. The entire process of falling in love and eventually breaking up isn't so far different than the rewards of drinking alcohol one night and suffering the horrible hangover the next morning. Of course, as any weekend partier knows, the best cure for a hangover is more alcohol -- thus, more love piled upon a heap of failed relationships only serves to dampen our own soul.

I personally do not believe that love is merely a chemical reaction within the brain. One of my most rewarding and heart-felt relationships was with a woman I only met once. Obviously there were chemicals involved at first, but something in my heart wanted to always love her on a deeper and more philosophical level. I do believe humans are a bit more than the sum of their parts. Despite all the chemicals, neuron configuration and repeated axon firing, we possess something that transcends just the physical.

Everyone wants to love yet nobody wants to cry. We live every day of our lives assuming that the car we drive won't be involved in an accident. What a beautiful life to be able to waltz from one day to the next while bathing in rewards without ever encountering risks. Yet love is serious business. I would argue that apart from the fear of death, the fear of losing love is the greatest fear of all. There will be times in everyone's life when someone they love will die -- perhaps unexpectedly. Sometimes we don't get that last chance to say, "goodbye, I love you." That is a pain that can really string for a very long time.

Some people are complex individuals. Loving them can sometimes be a tough thing to do because that great divide always keeps us just far enough away that we can not always understand exactly what they are thinking or what they need. Communication is not always an easy thing when two hearts are heavy and there seems to be so much at stake. The anxiety of watching a love unravel before your very eyes is enough to cause us to sabotage our own ambitions and desire to keep that love strong.

My best friend is getting married in August. I am very excited and proud of him because he has met a great woman and they appear to have a strong and stable relationship. Some people seem to be blessed with the ability to understand the intricacies of love and adapt to problems that occur in a relationship quickly. He jokes with me that I will be next, but I would have to just smile at him.

The story of my life has always been one of a vast collection of rich experiences -- a moment here or there that reminded me of the beauty of love. I have spent much of my life tasting a thousand different variations of life but I have never been willing to fully embrace just one. Whether it was that special 10 minutes outside making out with a beautiful woman against the side of my car or those three hours spent with a lovely woman in a casino in Vegas, I have never been able to fully invest in a long-term relationship. That is not entirely true, actually. My relationships have always been complex because I am a very complex person.

The hardest part of my experience in life has been learning to let go of the past. I know come August 3 during the rehearsals, I'll be looking down that isle imagining many different things. "What would my life have been like had I walked down that isle with Sara, Lynnea, Leigh, Meredith, Stephanie, etc.?" Sadly, a few of the women I have been with have gone on to marry someone only to end up extremely unhappy. I would not wish that sort of pain and entrapment on anyone.

Perhaps I am destined to spend the rest of my life scratching the water's surface of a million different things but never diving into any of them. Perhaps once the train door closes and I can no longer see her, that was the full extent of what I was supposed to get from that moment? It doesn't matter -- a train door, a hotel door, an elevator closing. It is just my heart on two sides of a great divide trying to play dual-roles by filling in for the woman I left behind one too many times.

Love -- what a great and beautiful thing. The potential hangover is definitely worth another toast to future possibilities.