The Elusive "Happy" Factor

My dad called me up the other day and chatted about a few random topics but then ended the conversation asking if I was happy. "Of course I'm happy," I told him and then we finished talking.

After hanging up the phone, I started to question my answer. How do I really know if I'm "happy?" There have been times in my life that I've been depressed but even during those moments, I didn't recognize it as depression. I try to keep busy and active all of the time and isolating and pinpointing by current emotional state seems to be unproductive and meaningless to me. Life is a series of challenges so the occasional bouts of melancholy might actually help one become more productive in the end.

"Am I happy," I thought to myself over and over.

Well, let's see. I'm 6'3, in good physical health, apparently very good-looking to many women, I make very good money for where I am in my life, I don't have any kids, I drive a great car that is truly fun to drive, I have a handful of close friends that I'd die for and vice-versa, whenever I want something I just go and get it -- I never have to worry about hunger, where I'll sleep or what I'll do the next day. I'm at the prime of my life. By all accounts, I'm probably one of the best catches a woman could ever hope for. That isn't ego talking, it is just the truth -- I put 110% of myself behind a woman and I go into love with idealism.

Part of the reason I am single right now is because I choose to be. I am disillusioned by women in general. I love women to death and think they're the greatest thing in the world -- but I also know that most women are fickle by nature. They can be completely heartless and abandon a relationship as if it never met anything to them. I've gotten into fist-fights with friends and remained best friends a half hour later. When a woman hates, she seems to do so with amazing depth, calculation and coldness. There is a saying that sums this up perfectly -- the whole women, hell, wrath thing.

What does this have to do with happiness? Well, when I examine all aspects of my life, I realize that there are so many moments that I wish I could share with a woman that I can't because there is no woman in my life. It could be the smallest thing in the world -- perhaps a cute sign on the side of a bus that I think "she'd" get a kick out of seeing. Women can give something that no man could ever give -- they possess aspects of personality that one just can't find in a male.

When he asked if I was happy, I should have answered no. However, being unhappy doesn't necessarily mean being depressed. I have all these great things but money is never an answer for happiness. In fact, I was much happier as a kid than I am now -- and I didn't have ANY money then.

If I could trade in everything I owned and become poor but, in the process, met a woman with depth, intelligence and charisma -- not just any woman, but one who wouldn't abandon me -- I'd do it instantly.

Some might argue that with money, I could simply go out and "buy" a woman. There are plenty of women out there who loved to be showered with gifts and go out to 5 star restaurants every week and be pampered by life's finest clothing, materials, etc. That isn't love, though. That's transparent -- but yet so many people seem to find this arrangement to work for them.

Perhaps it is I that has become disillusioned from matters of love. I know in my heart what a perfect love is like, but we live in a world where perfect doesn't exist -- at least, not in any real tangible form that survives once one person discovers all the maddening quirks of another.

I did something last night that reminded me of a love long past -- I actually went back in time last night. Time travel is possible. However, much to my dismay, I realized that there is a clear separation of feelings and emotions that is created by time itself. I had to find out for myself what it felt like -- so I did. Kissing the past becomes an illusion -- especially when one's heart leans towards the future. When love dies, it is best to give it a "proper burial." There is no sense roaming around a figurative graveyard filled with past loves and spend time frantically digging up bits and pieces of old love in the hopes that one of them will bring a man a little closer to his past.

This brings up the ultimate question -- what is love? When we were little kids, just holding another person's hand felt so amazing. It filled us up with security, warmth and excitement. As we get older, we move on to more adult activities like wild sex on top of the dryer -- but that little kid is still in each of us and those security issues still exist. We don't want to give something to another person only to have that moment destroyed. Then again, we can't live our lives avoiding giving out our hearts and our love to another person just because the possibility of getting hurt always exists.

All is fair in love and war.