Hitting Rock Bottom

They say that when you hit rock bottom, the only place left to go is up. What they fail to mention is that it is possible to drag your ass across the rocks for a bit of time before getting back on course. This isn't necessarily a complaint -- if life didn't have moments of despair and anxiety, we'd live in a world too close to that of paradise. In essence, we would never really learn anything. Pain and suffering exist because they teach us that this world is not fair, nor is it a paradise. However, it is a vast playground that we can use in any way that we feel comfortable in doing so.

A lot of my life today is analogous to the feeling of watching a train as it departs its station with a loved one on board. I see her face pressed against the glass window frantically waving while crying. I chase after the train until I can run no faster -- but the train ultimately wins. The woman is a symbol of many things in my life -- the loss of innocence, the loss of love, the loss of control, the loss of regularity and perhaps even the loss of a part of myself.

I've had to deal with that scenario on a few occasions. Once, while in England, I had the British Flag on my key-chain. I was gripping and rubbing it with my thumb to keep from crying. I had just left someone I was very much in love with and I had to fly thousands of miles back. A security guard saw how despondent I was and asked, "Union Jack? Are you British?" At the time, I could only mumble, "I wish" as I fought desperately to keep from tearing up in a public place. REAL MEN DON'T CRY -- NOT IN PUBLIC. Blah ... whatever.

The same thing happened to me in NYC -- but this time with a train. It is a real kick in the ass to look at someone in the eyes that you love deeply only to have the train doors slam shut between you. Ouch.

Life is nothing but a series of hard lessons -- loss after loss. Some go willingly, some go fighting for another chance, some go expectantly -- but no matter who you are or how strong you are, everything eventually goes at some point. Time makes sure of that.

Then there is the beautiful idealism within my heart. I don't want to have to keep saying goodbye. I don't want to have to keep feeling bits and pieces of my heart getting torn off until I become so numb to the sensation that I forget what it means to love with all my heart (or what is or what was left of it at the time).

Love is beautiful and life is beautiful -- don't get me wrong. If I never felt the need to cry inside, I'd be heartless. If I never knew what it was like to feel betrayed, I could never extend more love to those who valued trust. As life keeps trying to beat me down so that I play by its rules, I continue to thrust my idealism and passion upon space and time -- I continue to lash against them both. Time may kill me -- space may push those with whom I share the deepest love with (or keep them far away), but my idealism and compassion will overcome both of these things. Being human, I've been given the gift of free-will by G-d, which I firmly believe is the greatest gift of all. I have been given the ability to forgive -- which is something I try to do on a regular basis. If G-d is so perfect of a being and loves me enough to forgive my most egregious trespasses, why can I not extend such a godly concept to those that I know in my heart to be good people that occasionally fuck up royally? Of course I will forgive them -- it is the noble thing to do. In fact, it is the *human* thing to do.

Ahh, how contradictory life can seem to someone with a heart filled with passion. It is the hardest lash of a proverbial whip that causes us pain and tears, but also fills us with resolve and compassion. The harder I've been hurt and beat down, the more I want to rise up and run faster against my oppressors -- whatever or whomever they may be.

It is a subtle moment of realization in my heart when I realize that the very moment that I've been tortured, chained and challenged by the hands of fate -- it becomes the very moment when I can pull myself up, stand naked against the world, and smile with the realization in my head that, "although you may hurt me, grab my heart and cause me the worst pains imaginable, the fact that I'm human and a little part of G-d means that I have much more power than anything that could ever oppress or slow down my indomitable spirit.

... and in the instant in life where I pass away, the life I lived and the lives I've touched will leave an ineffable mark upon humanity -- I will have been able to fly without wings for just a moment and rise up above all else and see the world, as well as my life, for what it really is -- a test of character and resolve.

It is the most important test any of us will ever take in our lives. We can't cheat on this test, but it is an open book test -- those books being the friends, love and family we choose to embrace as we go through the years.